Esra’s Reviews > Actually, It Is Your Parents' Fault: Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn't Working, and How to Fix It > Status Update

Lisa had
not only internalized her torment, she had also internalized
her tormentors. That is, there was an unconscious part of
Lisa's personality that was bullying, just as there was a part
that was dismissive. S

If that childhood of
ours was marked by
mostly negative
feeling states being
passed back and forth
between us and one
or both parents, we'll
go on seeking those
lousy feeling states
all over again.

They're
essentially running from one relationship to the next
—
without
wondering
what
it
is within
themselves
that contributed
to
the divorce
—
and
they
often
end up marrying
the new person. But it's a pretty safe bet that they've just attached themselves to a person with the same personality characteristics
that, when joined to their own, will produce the same problems they've just walked away fro

that's why the silent treatment is so effective in
wounding someone you're upset with: in the absence of information, the mind has a way of jumping to the worst possible conclusion and adding to your misery. C

repetitive behavior patterns are by-products
of personality, and therefore can tell you a great deal about
the person who possesses them.

Unfortunately, that bad stuff will still indirectly bother
you. That's why the child who has long forgotten his father's
angry shushing grows into an adult who can't stand loud
noises: the noises themselves aren't the problem, it's the re- pressed memory of the father's anger that causes the discom-
fort

thanks to internalized behavior, the things we
swear we'll never do are very often precisely the things we do