Melanie’s Reviews > Secretly Yours > Status Update

I’m sorry this woman is TWENTY NINE???

“And she couldn’t continue to play Julian’s imaginary girlfriend now that she’d missed her opportunity to reveal herself as the secret admirer. It wouldn’t be right. Time to put this crush behind her once and for all. Before she caused any more trouble.”

I’m so confused, they’re both into each other, why can’t they hook up? Like you don’t need to get married, Hallie…this is not a real problem!

“Do you ever go to bed with those dirty knees, Hallie? Do you climb onto the mattress facedown and open those filthy knees wide in your sheets, like you do on the front lawn? God, I’d fucking pay to see it.”

I DO NOT BELIEVE that this man who blacks out entire episodic memories bc he can’t handle unplanned events finds dirty knees on sheets to be sexy & not something that would send him into cardiac arrest.

“I had to put this on my schedule. Right there on my notepad. Beating off to Hallie.” His tongue traced her bottom lip. “I’ve already done it once today.” “You wrote those words down?” she said, gasping when he nipped at her jaw. “No, I just wrote your name. My cock knew what it meant.”

Look I am a Planner Girl; I love an organized guy; I still cannot stress enough how not sexy I find this 🤣💀

Also I think a prob I am realizing I have with TB is that so much of her sexy stuff I do not find sexy, like, a man telling me as his dirty talk that he’s gonna have to schedule jerking off to thoughts of me into his calendar 3 or 4 times a day, that is gonna make me stop and go “wait what”

“Her first sexual experience with a man, beyond kissing, and it had blown her preconceived notions out of the water.”

Okay wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. How old is she? When she said at the beginning she’d only been kissed twice I think I encoded that as having kissed (and then more) 2 people. But has she really only been kissed twice PERIOD and one of them was this random stranger at a party? This feels weird?

Ok, 2 things Tessa Bailey has now taught me are icks —

1. “Her sex” to describe a vagina
2. “Spank bank.” Why does she keep saying spank bank.

Also omg HE DID NOT ADD DAILY JACKOFFS WHILE THINKING ABOUT HER SPECIFICALLY TO HIS CALENDAR 💀

Not having something scheduled/planned makes this man literally black out and lose memories? Oh boy.

“Oh Lord, the forearms. There they were. In her fifteen years of fantasizing about this man, she’d definitely neglected one of his best features. Going forward, she needed to do better.”

Props to Tessa Bailey, we do love a good forearm 🙌🏻🙌🏻

“After today, she was pretty sure Julian was attracted to her” - GIRL HE LITERALLY SAID TO YOU THAT HE WANTS TO BE ON YOUR TONGUE AND THINKS ABOUT YOU IN YOUR BRA AT NIGHT, I HAVE CHANGED MY ASSESSMENT, JULIAN IS NOT THE IDIOT, YOU ARE BOTH IDIOTS.