Elisabeth’s Reviews > Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness > Status Update

Shame shows up in 2 main forms in our minds: “you are never good enough” and “who do you think you are?”

For many of us, inner critics are the voices of people who were an instrumental force in our childhood.

Falling into the martyr mode (MM) trap doesn’t always correlate to clinical diagnosis; it’s a role women can inhabit while also being highly functioning and excelling in their lives. On the inside, however, when a woman is stuck in MM, she’s convinced herself that the best way to make choices is to put herself last. MM makes it feel like life is happening to u, as opposed to u being the agent of ur own life.

How do you know if you’re falling in martyr mode? A telltale sign is when you extend yourself towards others and an unspoken expectation that something – praise, support, attention – will be given in return. When that expectation is not met, you lose your cool and are secretly (or rather not so secretly) seething.

For now, remember that you can only fully enjoy the good NEW things in your life if you are making space by clearing out the obligations that no longer serve you.

If you don’t build this muscle of disappointing others with the little stuff, and thereby create a thicker skin to the judgment, you might face, you’ll end up, betraying yourself when it comes to the big stuff – and you might find yourself moving forward in a relationship or in a career that isn’t right for you.

The problem with this mentality is that the longer you stick with a relationship, a job, or a situation that isn’t working for you, the higher the emotional cost becomes to eventually set a boundary.

Over time, Tonya was able to recognize that the feelings of guilt were not a moral judgement on her, but instead an internalization of a lifetime of conditioning to serve everyone before herself.

Real-self care is all about making space for YOU - your thoughts, feelings, and priorities in life. Most of my patients need to fight their way to having this space, because they don’t see their time and energy as belonging to them.