jadyn miller’s Reviews > A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy > Status Update

As if my collection of losses were a stone of remembrance clutched in my palm, I opened my hand and let it go.

i'm genuinely so proud of a famous author.

Journal in hand, I wrote the facts and clung to them. You're safe now, I filled three notebooks. In time, I realized my narrative of blame and victimization landed in a different way. I didn't flinch to hear his name. And at William's Navy graduation, I walked right past Allan on the street and didn't even recognize who he was. We'd all changed, and we were all better off for the escape.

Could a woman do that? Get divorced to choose herself? Even churches that allowed divorce always said it should be for a big bad reason like adultery or abuse. The sermons always said people who got divorced without a big bad reason simply didn’t value marriage. But I listened beyond sermons now.

i love you, tia levings!!

Beyond my family and their love for me, did my being have any purpose at all? Questions ate my days and swallowed my nights until I felt like I walked through a hall of distorted mirrors and blurred realities. Love. It’s such a small word. God, Allan, love, faith, loss—none of these were simple. The ground undulated beneath me always. I spun, the world spun. I didn’t know who or what to trust.

Who was I before they told me I needed Him, and that if I didn’t satisfy, I’d be abandoned to burn in eternal flames? Who was I without that? Who was I when I sat down in the dirt without any qualifiers and without any faith and without any definitions? When I was just me in the dirt under the trees and in the wind? What was my purpose here? Why did I matter? Did I matter?

It was as if Allan was in my veins. Inside of me. Part of me. Unsheddable. Indelible ink that stained my cells. Who had I been before him and who was I with him? When I cried about it, I couldn’t tell if I meant my husband or God. It was an interesting question that once spoken, I couldn’t un-ask. Who was I before I heard about God?

You’re so bright and talented? Well, guess what, Tia?! You are. And I’m nothing. I’m uneducated and stupid. I hate this life and I hate you. You have no idea how much I hate you. I hate how successful you’re going to be. I hate how bright you’re going to shine because people love you and want to hire you, and of course, our children will choose you because even the damn dogs choose you."

allan. you're next.

“Those boots! Oh, so nice! You bought them with your money, didn’t you, Tia. You bought yourself nice new boots while I suffered with my old ones. Well, guess what? I want new boots too! I want nice things. I’m sick of being your husband. I’m sick and tired of living this hard life with you. I’m sick of being slammed with animals and living in this dump and always-always-always having something responsible to do.

Allan was changing too. As I suspected, the pressure was getting to him. His eyes were darkening, enthusiasm waning. He came home from work tired and didn't want to keep auditing my days. He kept saying I wasn't submissive enough, as if my presence signaled a chore he resented.

I detached and left my body. I watched in silence from the shadowed corner across the room, small and very sorry for that poor girl.