Lexie Carroll’s Reviews > How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen > Status Update

Accompanying is the first gentle step to getting to know a person, without over-intensity of diving in too deep. We can’t be in a rushed “efficiency” mindset that prioritizes our own mindset & will.
Elements of Accompaniment include patience & playfulness & presence. We can’t force it- “let others voluntarily evolve”.
The ultimate touchstone of friendship is WITNESS- the privilege of seeing & being seen.

“Every epistemology becomes an ethic. The shape of our knowledge becomes the shape of our living. The relation of the knower to the known becomes the relation of the living self to the larger world.”
(Parker Palmer)
The way we attend to others determines the type of person we become. If we see people generously then we will become generous. If we see people coldly then we become cold.

Illuminator Qualities:
Tenderness- deep emotional concern about another being
Receptivity- openness to another’s viewpoint and resisting the urge to project your own reality
Active Curiosity
Affection
Generosity
A holistic attitude (seeing the whole, with nuance)

“Attention is a moral act; it creates, brings aspects of things into being…” (Iain McGilchrist)
The quality of your life depends somewhat on the quality of attention you project out onto the world.
A posture of respect & reverence, of the infinite dignity of each person you meet, is a precondition for seeing people well. We are all equal on the level of our souls- remembering this helps you illuminate others.

Qualities that make it hard to see another person:
Egotism
Anxiety (leads to self preoccupation)
Naïve Realism (thinking that your perspective is the way the world really is & that everyone else does/should see that too)
Lesser Minds Problem (we think we’re deeper b/c we have access to our complex inner world, but not to others’)
Objectivism/Essentialism (overgeneralizing ppl into stereotypical categories)

There are many professions that require the ability to see deeply and perceive people beyond the surface: psychologists, actors (identifying & inhabiting core traits of a character), biographers (seeing contradictions and yet a whole person), teachers (seeing potential), talk show & podcast hosts (getting ppl to open up), nursing, ministry, social work, HR, journalism, even management.

In every crowd, there are diminishers and illuminators. Diminishers make people feel small and unseen; they see other people as things to be used, not as people to be befriended. They stereotype, ignore, and are self-involved (others are not on their radar). Illuminators have a persistent curiosity about others and prioritize understanding them. They shine their care on others, make them feel bigger & respected.

Human beings need recognition as much as they need food & water. There is no crueler punishment than to not see someone- to render them unimportant or invisible. “The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent towards them.” (George Bernard Shaw)
On the other hand, there are few things so fulfilling as feeling seen and understood.