Carly’s Reviews > The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist > Status Update
Carly
is 17% done
"Whatever you want me to do to you, Naomi, and no one will ever have to know about it if that's what you want."
Except for all of you that are listening to this tape
And her father
And everyone who saw Mr. Gullick chasing my half-naked ass through the Park
And everyone who saw Naomi screaming, "Don't kill him, Daddy!" as she trailed after us with her bare ta-tas flapping in the wind
So, ya know…it worked out fine.
— Jul 01, 2019 08:20AM
Except for all of you that are listening to this tape
And her father
And everyone who saw Mr. Gullick chasing my half-naked ass through the Park
And everyone who saw Naomi screaming, "Don't kill him, Daddy!" as she trailed after us with her bare ta-tas flapping in the wind
So, ya know…it worked out fine.
Like flag
Carly’s Previous Updates
Carly
is 97% done
T-Bone still looked decidedly uncomfortable.
"I know it's weird," I said.
"What?"
"That I killed a guy and you watched."
"Oh…it was…bloody. But it's not that."
"That I saw your big black wang then?"
"Not that either. Please stop calling it that."
"Should name it."
"Never."
"Tyrannosaurus Bone?"
"That's actually not bad…"
— Jul 04, 2019 02:03PM
"I know it's weird," I said.
"What?"
"That I killed a guy and you watched."
"Oh…it was…bloody. But it's not that."
"That I saw your big black wang then?"
"Not that either. Please stop calling it that."
"Should name it."
"Never."
"Tyrannosaurus Bone?"
"That's actually not bad…"
Carly
is 93% done
Miranda Daniels: Since you haven't called and asked me what I'm wearing the past few days, I'll assume you're sober enough to do whatever it is you have to do. Also, I'm wearing pink panties, but I'm really kind of lazy about shaving down there so sometimes the red hair pokes out and makes them look like a hairy strawberry. Did I get you to throw up? Please reply.
— Jul 04, 2019 12:55PM
Carly
is 86% done
GPS navigator said it would take sixteen minutes, I did it in ten. Shows what fucking computers know. Maybe I went through someone's yard to cut some street signs…it was an emergency!
Ain't quite a motorcycle with two uzis and a chick in an American flag bikini on my lap, but at least I got to drive for once. Rented car with a nerdy black guy, a patrician with a stick up his ass, and a dead woman…I'll take it!
— Jul 04, 2019 11:54AM
Ain't quite a motorcycle with two uzis and a chick in an American flag bikini on my lap, but at least I got to drive for once. Rented car with a nerdy black guy, a patrician with a stick up his ass, and a dead woman…I'll take it!
Carly
is 82% done
"Oh my God!" T-Bone added once more before he returned to the real world. Averting a panic attack, hyperventilation, and maybe a stroke in the process. "Miss Dale will neuter you one ball at a time when she finally finds out!"
"Neuter me one ball at a time…" I muttered to myself. "Wow, T-Bone actually came up with a foul phrase before I did. Maybe I used it before though…hard to remember them all in my old age."
— Jul 04, 2019 10:38AM
"Neuter me one ball at a time…" I muttered to myself. "Wow, T-Bone actually came up with a foul phrase before I did. Maybe I used it before though…hard to remember them all in my old age."
Carly
is 79% done
"By drugging him?"
"Josephine-"
"Horatio, you may have talked my brother out of one of his usual moronic rages and sweet-talked me a little, but don't think this is finished and over!"
"Josephine, I did all I could! He's fine! A little stoned and bloody, and yes, he doesn't realize he's massaging his dagger like a two-year-old who has found his wee-wee for the first time, but really…it was all to protect him!"
— Jul 03, 2019 10:35PM
"Josephine-"
"Horatio, you may have talked my brother out of one of his usual moronic rages and sweet-talked me a little, but don't think this is finished and over!"
"Josephine, I did all I could! He's fine! A little stoned and bloody, and yes, he doesn't realize he's massaging his dagger like a two-year-old who has found his wee-wee for the first time, but really…it was all to protect him!"
Carly
is 71% done
My sliver of the Asylum teacher pool was the top crust, the ones who taught Ultras. A lot of other poor fuckers out there teaching Intras science and math and shit.
Like me.
My plan would also have me away from my class for the second day in a row.
Lucky little shits get to go another day without my chalk montage on Neolithic culture.
Thinking about titling it: Dildos, How Ancient Are They?
— Jul 03, 2019 05:15PM
Like me.
My plan would also have me away from my class for the second day in a row.
Lucky little shits get to go another day without my chalk montage on Neolithic culture.
Thinking about titling it: Dildos, How Ancient Are They?
Carly
is 67% done
"If you die before you tell me, I'll have Heinrich bring you back from the dead."
"Don't you start calling him Heinrich too. I have to wash my mouth out every time I say that bullshit name."
Vick gave me a long look. "You realize it's just a German version of Henry right? You both literally have the same name."
"Except his middle name is Fuhrer?"
"And I'm done talking with you," she announced.
— Jul 03, 2019 02:21PM
"Don't you start calling him Heinrich too. I have to wash my mouth out every time I say that bullshit name."
Vick gave me a long look. "You realize it's just a German version of Henry right? You both literally have the same name."
"Except his middle name is Fuhrer?"
"And I'm done talking with you," she announced.
Carly
is 63% done
"As in the walking accident that is King Henry Price?"
"Point is: he won't come out into the open unless we dangle something he really wants."
"Like you?"
"Like my World-Breaker."
"That name is just terrifying. Also it makes it worse that you're the person who has it."
"Thanks, buddy."
"No problem, dude."
"But if you're scared, maybe you should give your plant a hug. Look, it even has heart-shaped leafs for you."
— Jul 03, 2019 10:06AM
"Point is: he won't come out into the open unless we dangle something he really wants."
"Like you?"
"Like my World-Breaker."
"That name is just terrifying. Also it makes it worse that you're the person who has it."
"Thanks, buddy."
"No problem, dude."
"But if you're scared, maybe you should give your plant a hug. Look, it even has heart-shaped leafs for you."
Carly
is 60% done
For the next conversation to take place in my apartment I was the one butt-naked.
At least I got my shower in.
Thanks for small favors, Fate.
You cruel bitch.
Butt-naked King Henry Price.
Not nearly as attractive a sight as a naked Valentine Ward.
Like…one-thousandth the attraction level.
Maybe.
On a good day.
Least my ass crack is clean.
Clean ass crack. It's the key to any situation.
— Jul 02, 2019 02:29PM
At least I got my shower in.
Thanks for small favors, Fate.
You cruel bitch.
Butt-naked King Henry Price.
Not nearly as attractive a sight as a naked Valentine Ward.
Like…one-thousandth the attraction level.
Maybe.
On a good day.
Least my ass crack is clean.
Clean ass crack. It's the key to any situation.
Carly
is 56% done
Maya, Olmec, all the great Mesoamerican cultures mention the jaguar, but the Jaguar Nation's claim to fame is with the Aztecs, which backed up its entire army with jaguar warriors - perhaps more literal than historians presume the term to be. Then the Spanish came. With Vamps in their numbers. And smallpox.
Smallpox always helps.
Hard to fight when your colon is on the wrong side of your asshole.
— Jul 02, 2019 11:49AM
Smallpox always helps.
Hard to fight when your colon is on the wrong side of your asshole.
