Status Updates from All Editions of The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist (The King Henry Tapes, #5)

Carly is 97% done

T-Bone still looked decidedly uncomfortable.
"I know it's weird," I said.
"What?"
"That I killed a guy and you watched."
"Oh…it was…bloody. But it's not that."
"That I saw your big black wang then?"
"Not that either. Please stop calling it that."
"Should name it."
"Never."
"Tyrannosaurus Bone?"
"That's actually not bad…"

— Jul 04, 2019 02:03PM Add a comment

The Foul Mouth and the Mancy Martial Artist (The King Henry Tapes, #5)

Carly is 93% done

Miranda Daniels: Since you haven't called and asked me what I'm wearing the past few days, I'll assume you're sober enough to do whatever it is you have to do. Also, I'm wearing pink panties, but I'm really kind of lazy about shaving down there so sometimes the red hair pokes out and makes them look like a hairy strawberry. Did I get you to throw up? Please reply.

— Jul 04, 2019 12:55PM Add a comment

Carly is 86% done

GPS navigator said it would take sixteen minutes, I did it in ten. Shows what fucking computers know. Maybe I went through someone's yard to cut some street signs…it was an emergency!
Ain't quite a motorcycle with two uzis and a chick in an American flag bikini on my lap, but at least I got to drive for once. Rented car with a nerdy black guy, a patrician with a stick up his ass, and a dead woman…I'll take it!

— Jul 04, 2019 11:54AM Add a comment

Carly is 82% done

"Oh my God!" T-Bone added once more before he returned to the real world. Averting a panic attack, hyperventilation, and maybe a stroke in the process. "Miss Dale will neuter you one ball at a time when she finally finds out!"
"Neuter me one ball at a time…" I muttered to myself. "Wow, T-Bone actually came up with a foul phrase before I did. Maybe I used it before though…hard to remember them all in my old age."

— Jul 04, 2019 10:38AM Add a comment

Carly is 79% done

"By drugging him?"
"Josephine-"
"Horatio, you may have talked my brother out of one of his usual moronic rages and sweet-talked me a little, but don't think this is finished and over!"
"Josephine, I did all I could! He's fine! A little stoned and bloody, and yes, he doesn't realize he's massaging his dagger like a two-year-old who has found his wee-wee for the first time, but really…it was all to protect him!"

— Jul 03, 2019 10:35PM Add a comment

Carly is 71% done

My sliver of the Asylum teacher pool was the top crust, the ones who taught Ultras. A lot of other poor fuckers out there teaching Intras science and math and shit.
Like me.
My plan would also have me away from my class for the second day in a row.
Lucky little shits get to go another day without my chalk montage on Neolithic culture.
Thinking about titling it: Dildos, How Ancient Are They?

— Jul 03, 2019 05:15PM Add a comment

Carly is 67% done

"If you die before you tell me, I'll have Heinrich bring you back from the dead."
"Don't you start calling him Heinrich too. I have to wash my mouth out every time I say that bullshit name."
Vick gave me a long look. "You realize it's just a German version of Henry right? You both literally have the same name."
"Except his middle name is Fuhrer?"
"And I'm done talking with you," she announced.

— Jul 03, 2019 02:21PM Add a comment

Carly is 63% done

"As in the walking accident that is King Henry Price?"
"Point is: he won't come out into the open unless we dangle something he really wants."
"Like you?"
"Like my World-Breaker."
"That name is just terrifying. Also it makes it worse that you're the person who has it."
"Thanks, buddy."
"No problem, dude."
"But if you're scared, maybe you should give your plant a hug. Look, it even has heart-shaped leafs for you."

— Jul 03, 2019 10:06AM Add a comment

Carly is 60% done

For the next conversation to take place in my apartment I was the one butt-naked.
At least I got my shower in.
Thanks for small favors, Fate.
You cruel bitch.
Butt-naked King Henry Price.
Not nearly as attractive a sight as a naked Valentine Ward.
Like…one-thousandth the attraction level.
Maybe.
On a good day.
Least my ass crack is clean.
Clean ass crack. It's the key to any situation.

— Jul 02, 2019 02:29PM Add a comment

Carly is 56% done

Maya, Olmec, all the great Mesoamerican cultures mention the jaguar, but the Jaguar Nation's claim to fame is with the Aztecs, which backed up its entire army with jaguar warriors - perhaps more literal than historians presume the term to be. Then the Spanish came. With Vamps in their numbers. And smallpox.
Smallpox always helps.
Hard to fight when your colon is on the wrong side of your asshole.

— Jul 02, 2019 11:49AM Add a comment

Carly is 43% done

"Fuck me!" I yelled, hands going up over my eyes.
A screech and some noise as covers were thrown over naked bodies.
"Don't you knock?!" T-Bone yelled at me. "Why are you just standing there?!"
"Because that damn thing is so big, I figure it can't see you if you don't move. How it works in the movies, right?" I joked.
Holy shit.
You make some big black wang jokes, but you never expect it to have its own zip code

— Jul 02, 2019 08:46AM Add a comment

Carly is 41% done

"Don't give you the right."
"Right? When did you ever care about right?"
"There's civilization's morality and then there's indisputable natural law. King Henry's law says you bring a gun to a gun fight and I'll snap it in half and stuff it up your ass. Or, you know: Eye for an Eye and all that."
"Snappy, but not so scary when I can see your ballsack thinks this room is getting a little too chilly."

— Jul 01, 2019 06:13PM Add a comment

Carly is 37% done

Catherine Hayes.
Princeps Tyrannus Landica herself.
I turned around the corner and into the hallway just in time to catch sight of her sashaying away with a pair of Blackjacks in tow. Nice ass for an evil bitch…not so big but damn is that thing tight some part of me thought. Probably Prince Henry. Guy just never learns.

so that Latin translates to "the tyrant leader clitoris" lol…i love raley

— Jul 01, 2019 02:28PM Add a comment

Carly is 25% done

I went up to Pocket's room
Half a minute later he barely pulled the door open a crack. "What you want, dude?"
I tried to peek in. He shut the door so I couldn't see. Huh "Got a girl in there?"
"Just…uh…sleeping in the nude. Since, ya know; no one else around."
"Oh. I cooked breakfast nude this morning."
"…that doesn't sound very sanitary."
"Wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be," I admitted.
"Right…"

— Jul 01, 2019 10:29AM Add a comment

Carly is 23% done

"Just your sympathies?"
She smirked up at me, one of the few women in my life who I had a good half a foot of height on. "I'm here on business, Lover Boy; sorry I can't be the rebound girl this time around."
"You were never a rebound girl," I pointed out.
She nodded. "Exactly."
I thought about this as well. Well…fuck. "Did you just logic me out of sex?"
"An accomplishment I'm most proud of!" she teased me.

— Jul 01, 2019 09:27AM Add a comment

Carly is 17% done

"Whatever you want me to do to you, Naomi, and no one will ever have to know about it if that's what you want."
Except for all of you that are listening to this tape
And her father
And everyone who saw Mr. Gullick chasing my half-naked ass through the Park
And everyone who saw Naomi screaming, "Don't kill him, Daddy!" as she trailed after us with her bare ta-tas flapping in the wind
So, ya know…it worked out fine.

— Jul 01, 2019 08:20AM Add a comment

Carly is 16% done

I came across Jethro Smith's place by accident, shrugged my shoulders, and went to knock on the door.
He opened it and immediately flinched at the sight of me. Guessing it had to do with him wearing cooking mitts and an apron that said 'Bake or Die.'
We stared at each other awkwardly, like we'd crossed swords during a three-way or something.
"Want some crème brulee?" Smith eventually asked hesitantly

— Jun 30, 2019 12:09PM Add a comment

Carly is 11% done

"I have something to show you," he announced in his business voice…which I'd come to associate with bills, contracts, and lawyers stealing my money.
"Is it naked women?" I still hoped aloud. "You in one of them secret hacker celebrity nudie rings?"
"White hat," he reminded.
"There's no morality when it comes to nudie pics, man. Just males acting like the beasts they are, chanting 'boobies' over and over."

— Jun 29, 2019 11:02PM Add a comment

Carly is 5% done

"If you ordered me a portable whore house, I take back every bad thing I've ever said about you."
"I actually figured you would handle that on your own."
"If only…"
"Oh…well, sometimes if a man is drunk I understand that-"
"Cuz I'm heartbroken!" I interrupted. "Not cuz I can't get it up. Prince Henry knows no loyalty! Not even to me…"
T-Bone seemed both embarrassed and confused. "You named it?"
"You haven't?"

— Jun 29, 2019 06:28PM Add a comment

Carly is 2% done

I believe men love more than women do.
Stepped in it already, didn't I?
Now, now, ladies, don't get all bent out of shape. Only one sentence into this story of pure fucking divine comedy, you can't already be ripping your twat off and throwing it on the ground in indignation.

this series has the BEST opening sentences, well paragraph…lol

— Jun 29, 2019 10:58AM Add a comment