Amy’s Reviews > Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them > Status Update

Collateral damage = loss of mutual friends. Difficult when dumping a toxic friend leads to the loss of mutual friends. Their inner allegiance is to the toxic person not you. Accept it & focus on those who believe you & make an effort to be supportive.

A lot of women don’t realize how dangerous their toxic friends are until they tried to sever their ties & often aren’t believed when they go to others for help. Do whatever’s necessary to keep yourself out of harms way. Forget those who don’t believe you. They aren’t your friends because they don’t trust you when you’re being honest & telling the truth

Some toxic friends are thoroughly toxic people who take pleasure & satisfaction in having power over others. Others wrestle w unmanaged emotional & mental disorders and may wreck havoc on your emotional & physical well being. Threats, vandalism, stalking & attempts to damage other relationships or personal success. In these cases, may need to involve other friends or LEOs.

Pay attention to reactions when you tell a friend they’ve hurt you or behaved inappropriately towards you. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is unacceptable. Giving you the silent treatment and/or refusing to acknowledge your presence/existence is unacceptable. Walk away, not worth fighting for because you’ll do all the work.

Need for balance in give & take is essential.
Ummm...this book is really reaffirming the choices I've made in the last few years. As soon as a friend's behavior has you questioning your sanity...it's time to walk the fuck away from them & anyone who doesn't respect your right to have boundaries & your right to choose with whom you will/won't be friends.

Important to have personal limits & friendship rules or else you'll be manipulated. Rules addressing friends who try to control your activities, rules that limit who can spend time w.the pair of you, the amount of $ you're willing to lend, the # of favors you're would do before having a favor repaid. Many transactions may encroach on your limits. Use prior experiences & current concerns to shape the rules.

May assume their presence is payback enough for favors they've requested from you. Boundaries are being disrespected. No good will come from allowing someone to control your decisions & with whom you spend your time. Don't fall for the "everyone abandons me so it's important for you to invite me to every activity w/others." It's manipulative & not true. Adults aren't abandoned. Children & animals are.

Testing your limits: in unhealthy friendships, friend will try to take control of relationship & your own freedom to make choices about how to spend your time & with whom you interact. You may go along to get along & convince yourself you're having fun even when you aren't. Financial boundaries are one of the most mentioned limits that can be pushed too far by toxic friends.

7 value types
-Pro-social: caring about each other
-Restrictive conformity: avoiding harm to others
-Enjoyment/seeking pleasure: should be able to laugh/joke w/friends
-Achievement: work hard to do well in life
-Maturity: adults should not expect others to cover mistakes for them
-Self direction/independence: take responsibility for actions
-Security: safety/stability. True friend would never exclude you from group

Even when you feel that a friend's behavior is not ok & borders on intolerable as long as you remain engaged in the friendship & continue your same behaviors you're giving silent consent to the way the relationship is working. If you aren't part of the solution then you're part of the problem. Why allow someone to put you in a position where you're tolerating & enabling disgusting behavior towards yourself & others?