C.A.’s Reviews > Terra Incognita: Lost Worlds of Fantasy and Adventure > Status Update
C.A.
is on page 216 of 222
"Jessa was already calculating the challenges
in front of her."
There is a lot of passive voice in this story. I had not mentioned earlier examples. Passive voice is most apparent when you unwittingly place it upon an action bearing sentence, such as the one above.
And again, haphazard with the 'ing.
A simple: ['Jessa calculated the challenges in front of her.] would have sufficed.
— May 16, 2022 08:03AM
in front of her."
There is a lot of passive voice in this story. I had not mentioned earlier examples. Passive voice is most apparent when you unwittingly place it upon an action bearing sentence, such as the one above.
And again, haphazard with the 'ing.
A simple: ['Jessa calculated the challenges in front of her.] would have sufficed.
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C.A.’s Previous Updates
C.A.
is finished
With the ending focused on Helsa/Hanuvar world-building could have been stronger in relation to aforementioned character.
— May 16, 2022 08:38AM
C.A.
is on page 221 of 222
"She knew there was more to it than that, but she didn’t ask for details."
Passive voice completely unnecessary. If PoV is strong throughout it helps to support the voice as a whole, bringing life to the main character via the written word / reader dynamic...
"There was more to it than that, but Jessa didn’t ask for details."
— May 16, 2022 08:32AM
Passive voice completely unnecessary. If PoV is strong throughout it helps to support the voice as a whole, bringing life to the main character via the written word / reader dynamic...
"There was more to it than that, but Jessa didn’t ask for details."
C.A.
is on page 219 of 222
"Jessa was sure Hanuvar would somehow drag him forward, or trip him into the cavity." This is the first we hear of this cavity. How did it get there and why weren't we told? READER must come 1st.
This hole, (which I predict will resolve all threads), should have been written into the story with intention. It is an important key plot device and should have been treated as such.
— May 16, 2022 08:20AM
This hole, (which I predict will resolve all threads), should have been written into the story with intention. It is an important key plot device and should have been treated as such.
C.A.
is on page 216 of 222
"Were he as he had been when he had ruled as the sorcerer king, he would have laughed at the revenant’s folly."
There are 4 'he's in this sentence. 4 of them.
— May 16, 2022 08:11AM
There are 4 'he's in this sentence. 4 of them.
C.A.
is on page 216 of 222
"The amulet was carried by a man in silly armor perched on top of the
wooden deckhouse..."
We don't know it's one of the revenants until you clue us in. We are only readers. Author took the time in the beginning to describe their black and yellow armor. What was the point of that, if not to reuse the info now?
— May 16, 2022 08:10AM
wooden deckhouse..."
We don't know it's one of the revenants until you clue us in. We are only readers. Author took the time in the beginning to describe their black and yellow armor. What was the point of that, if not to reuse the info now?
C.A.
is on page 215 of 222
“Do you feel that?” Jessa asked. Dimly, she perceived something
peculiar about the trunks Melara touched, but it was only a vague
sensation.
What was the sensation? We will never know. PoV
— May 16, 2022 07:55AM
peculiar about the trunks Melara touched, but it was only a vague
sensation.
What was the sensation? We will never know. PoV
C.A.
is on page 215 of 222
Part 9 Opens with unknown actor. 'Her, 'she. A few sentences in we realize it is our thinly written protagonist.
'cognitive dissonance' This psychology term is out of place in this story.
— May 16, 2022 07:53AM
'cognitive dissonance' This psychology term is out of place in this story.
C.A.
is on page 214 of 222
"Jessa suddenly understood who had boarded their ship
and been telling her stories."
If Jessa knows now who Helsa really, who this, 'Hanuvar is. Why in the nine hells are we in the dark?
We are supposed to be in her PoV. Further on we get dialogue from, 'the general. Whom we must assume is Hanuvar.
Disjointed storytelling. This could have been avoided. PoV is the foundation of modern writing. Think of the READER
— May 16, 2022 07:47AM
and been telling her stories."
If Jessa knows now who Helsa really, who this, 'Hanuvar is. Why in the nine hells are we in the dark?
We are supposed to be in her PoV. Further on we get dialogue from, 'the general. Whom we must assume is Hanuvar.
Disjointed storytelling. This could have been avoided. PoV is the foundation of modern writing. Think of the READER
C.A.
is on page 214 of 222
Helsa is actually Hanuvar!
Who in the Hell is Hanuvar and why should we care?
We didn't even get a story from the 'storyteller. I'm still wondering how the author could have missed such a golden opportunity to world-build.
— May 16, 2022 07:41AM
Who in the Hell is Hanuvar and why should we care?
We didn't even get a story from the 'storyteller. I'm still wondering how the author could have missed such a golden opportunity to world-build.
C.A.
is on page 213 of 222
"Helsa ripped the eye patch from his face." Did we know that he had an eye patch? I don't remeber it in his description. Describing characters must be done early. Set the image early. When you add a description late it detracts from the immersion. This is also something that good editors should watch for.
— May 16, 2022 07:37AM
