Meredith is a hot mess’s Reviews > Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self > Status Update

I skimmed.

This is a good book on boundaries, it offers some unique insight not found in other popular books on boundaries (such as Nedra Tawwab Glover's book).

There is religious & spiritual commentary, but unlike Henry Cloud's popular book on boundaries I didn't pick up any sexist or homophobic language. If someone is more secular, it can be easily skimmed, it isn't overpowering.

By contrast, a wall is an unhealthy boundary. While it may have a useful and healthy purpose, the way I set it up and how it makes me and others feel may end up eventually hurting my own best interests. Some of the qualities of a wall are that it tends to be rigid, and the way that I set it up may be unclear to me and to others

By contrast, by setting a healthy boundary or limit, my purpose may include protecting the well-being and integrity of my True Self. I am aware of my inner life, and I am not usually invading another's inner life or outer life.

My response:

How is this manipulative? I'm directly asking you - you can say no. But yeah, I'm asking xyz.

It was years ago, now, but I remember asking my dad for something.

I was very direct, I can't even remember what I was asking him for.

He agreed, but then said: 'you're manipulating me'

Manipulative definition:

when a person tries to influence or get something from another indirectly.

When controlling or manipulating, I am usually less aware or perhaps even unaware of my inner life. I may be invasive of the other, or dominating. All the while I may feel scared, ashamed, guilty or angry, and end up feeling drained or exhausted. I may end up feeling fused or enmeshed with the other

This author's definition of 'manipulating' is something I haven't heard before, but this resonates with me. And kind of explains how people who aren't necessarily malevolent or really bad, but have things they still need to work out can be manipulative: