John Swartzwelder > Quotes

“I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time and saying "why? why?", they get worried.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.”
― John Swartzwelder

“I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I made a circular motion with my finger around my temple to indicate I thought this guy was crazy, forgetting that there was no one in the room to see this circular motion except him. He saw it and frowned.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?”
― John Swartzwelder

“Kids have too much money these days, if you ask me.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“The guy who was punching me was a lot burlier than I was, so it hurt plenty. But I tried to pretend it didn't bother me at all, that I actually liked it. It was hard to do this convincingly, because he had kind of knocked the wind out of me there, so all I could do was smile and wink and give him the thumbs up while I waited to be able to breath again. He thought I was making fun of him and started punching me in the stomach harder. Meanwhile, I'm not any closer to getting my breath back. Some days are like that.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“The next day, a dead turtle was left on my doorstep as a warning. I couldn’t figure out as a warning for what, and I guess whoever was watching me picked up on that, because the next morning there was another dead turtle, but this one had several sheets of paper glued to it’s back leg. The pieces of paper contained a long footnoted explanation of all the symbolism involved. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me. The turtle was the “turtle of inquisitiveness” and the cheese smeared on it’s shell meant something, and the little cowboy boots on its feet meant something. Everything about this animal meant something apparently to whoever sent it. I still didn’t get what it was all about. The next morning there was no turtle. Somebody just shot at me from the bushes.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“It has always amazed me how angry people can get at my stupidity. How do they think I feel? They only have to be around me a couple of hours at a time. I've got me all day.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“This guy was making me tired. “Thanks for the afternoon’s entertainment,” I said. “I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“It's tough to make a living in my racket. Most people who need detecting done just go to the cops. They're free. I have to charge money for essentially the same service. Another thing that makes it tough is that I'm not the best detective in town. In fact in this building you have to pass the offices of three detectives who are better than me to get to my place. So I guess I lose some business that way.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“Now, I'm not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I'm a private eye.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I’ve been told by people that I’m shaped kind of like a garbage can, but I don’t know if that’s the truth, or just some kind of an insult.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“He told me the crooks used this place for more than just a dumping ground for undesirables. He said they also had a lot of food stored here in case there was ever a nuclear war. That way they could insure that in the future there would still be criminals.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“This is a covert operation, people!” he shouted over his bullhorn. “Covert!”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“That’s not the way it happened, asshole,” I said, gently correcting him.”
― John Swartzwelder, Earth's Biggest Fan:

“Somebody had been doing some major league tampering to my car. The brake lines were cut. The tires were on fire. There was carbon monoxide coming out of everything. And the radio was tuned to a station I didn’t like. I had to tip my booby-trapped hat to whoever tampered with this car. I was late with my payments on the car anyway, and it looked like a lot of repair work was going to have to be done no matter how this came out, so I figured let the finance company worry about it. I called them up on my cell phone, told them where the car was, and jumped out. I was going over sixty at the time, but luckily I didn't hit the ground. There was a cliff there and I just went harmlessly over that. But just when you’re sailing along, thinking everything is going to be okay, something unexpected comes along to jar you out of your complacency. For me, in this case, it was the bottom of the cliff. I got bruised up pretty bad – they say I bounced for an hour - but luckily no bones were broken. That's where that protective layer of fat I was telling you about comes in.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I indicated that I had some free time at the moment and was willing to investigate what sounded like a most important case. “How much do you charge?” he asked. “$500 a day, plus expenses.” “Will the expenses make it less?” “Possibly, but in my experience expenses usually add to the total.” He thought about this for a moment, then frowned. “Well, I suppose I should just forget about it then. Spending $500 a day to find something worth $20 wouldn't make economic sense.” “That’s true, if it's just the money you're concerned with here and not the justice angle.” “No, it was the money more than anything else. I guess it would be cheaper to just buy another one.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you’re frowning and crying all the time and saying “why? why?”, they get worried. So I try to stay upbeat.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I made an effort to speak: “When I came in here…” I said, “… I had a sandwich.” “That was three months ago,” said the doctor. I looked at him. “It’s gone,” he said, gently. I lapsed back into unconsciousness.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Last Detective Alive

“I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat. It's important to have that layer of fat. You can't have guys hitting you in your muscles all the time. But that extra padding also cushions the blow for your opponent's fists, which allows him to slug you longer and with more abandon. So that layer of fat is both a good and a bad thing, I guess. It works both ways is what I'm saying.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“Lisa: Well, where's my Dad?

Professor Frink: Well, that should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...the third dimension.”
― John Swartzwelder

“Arthur Gremlin was doing a lot of smiling these days. He had seemed pretty tense when he first joined the firm, but the more time he spent with me, and the more he saw me in action, the more he relaxed. Finally after watching me spend three entire days trying to get a carton of milk open, he wiped the milk off his face and relaxed completely for the first time. It’s like something that had been nagging at him finally went away.”
― John Swartzwelder, How I Conquered Your Planet

“Sometimes my clients have to explain their problems to me more than once. I don't charge them for that. It's part of the service, I figure. If the case is really complicated, I might ask a smarter detective, or the guy who runs the elevator, to sit in and simplify the whole thing for me. You can't be vain about these things. You can only bluff your client for so long, then you have to admit you didn't understand what he was talking about and you've forgotten his name, and to please start again. And the longer you put off admitting it, the madder he's going to be.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“They would ask me, for example, to run along a steel girder 20 stories above the pavement carrying a bucket of rivets. And I would, using this same example, fall off. So there goes that job. But just when I was thinking I’d never be able to make any money in this time period, I found exactly what I was looking for. I was walking down the street, fingering the 3 cents I had in my pocket and discovering that I now only had 2 cents because I had fingered one of them to pieces, when I passed by a window with a sign in it that said "Day Jobs: No Experience Necessary". Other signs in the window were even more encouraging. "No Experience? No Problem!", "Prison Record? Hooray!", "Can't Read? Read This!”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“The next day, a dead turtle was left on my doorstep as a warning. I couldn't figure out as a warning for what, and I guess whoever was watching me picked up on that, because the next morning there was another dead turtle, but this one had several sheets of paper glued to it's back leg. The pieces of paper contained a long footnoted explanation of all the symbolism involved. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. The turtle was the "turtle of inquisitiveness" and the cheese smeared on it's shell meant something, and the little cowboy boots on its feet meant something. Everything about this animal meant something apparently to whoever sent it. I still didn't get what it was all about. The next morning there was no turtle. Somebody just shot at me from the bushes.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“On another wall was a sign that said 'DO IT TOMORROW'. I got it cheap because it's bad advice.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“As my exciting story opens, I am being punched in the stomach. But I guess a lot of stories start that way.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It

“I headed downtown in my car. I never got there. Somebody had been doing some major league tampering to my car. The brake lines were cut. The tires were on fire. There was carbon monoxide coming out of everything. And the radio was tuned to a station I didn’t like. I had to tip my booby-trapped hat to whoever tampered with this car.”
― John Swartzwelder, The Time Machine Did It