Jeff Mach's Blog

The Hydra has four mighty legs,
And gives a mighty bark;
Goddammit, that’s a doggie;
I get the two confused.

The Hydra has eight horrifying arms
And wraps them around you like a spider
Spiders don’t have arms
They have legs.
Dammit.

The Hydra is made of water;
That’s why it’s called “hydra”, for hydration.

Some people are afraid of the Hydra because its gaze will turn you to stone. They’re smart, but they don’t realize: their gaze actually turns you to DOUBLE stone. It would be extra bad, if you could notice.

The Hydra comes out
each October 31st,
determined to turn each human
into stone
just for the Hell of it.

But after eight to ten statues,
the Hydra gets awfully tired,
and begins enjoying the candy.

But at least the rest of you are safe until the Hydra emerges
from her lair

in search of Christmas presents.

 

____

Find me on Twitter.
Read my books.

Wonderplace Alpha

The post The Hydra appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

There is a long, long icicle, a stalactite
(not the opposite, a stalagMITE, growing from the ground;
this is no mite,
nearly three feet long,
tempered by pure fate and temperature,
it is sharp,
sharper than Excaliber,
this icicle,

and very, very cold.

and Gods,
sweet Gods,
I fear it will it will not slam through your left eyeball.

Or perhaps,
it won’t slam hard enough,
to not merely kill you
(because that’s so FAR from enough) –
but to not give you
the Christiana-Scandinavian-perfect-snow-Vodka-pure
hatred

you deserve.

God, all I want
is for cotton-candy and a lot of burning.

But what I already talented.

You and I. Talented. Magic. Sortion.

End of the world.

Trick or treat? Oh, yes, but those city are…

….tell you what. Scream yourself…

…and let’s see if you get a nice, relaxing faint.

* * *

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

The post A Fear Of Death appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Pâte de Fruits du Jardin d’Éden

It seems like gummy fruit until that damn snake starts talking to you.

__

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Arguably The Worst Halloween Candy In Existence appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

To make a fabulous pumpkin pie
Never ever ever canned filling try
Canned filling taste like latex sap;
Avoid the stuff. It’s purely pap.

Go to your nearest Pumpkin Yard
And search for Pumpkins (search very hard).
Find the plumpest, ripest ones
With orange walls like luscious buns.

Take a knife…perhaps a cleaver?
You’re the killer, it’s the receiver.
Peel off the top (don’t let it stain;
Just like Hannibal with a brain.)

Now look within: that orange mess
Is good for pumpkin seeds (I guess).
But while it looks unspeakably, orange and scary
It makes a delicate confectionary.

For this pumpkiny inside
(When culinary art’s applied)
Turns that which seems like neon decay
Into an exquisite sweet puree.

And as you scoop the goopy bleck
Every single hair rises on your neck
Is there something a mite amiss?
(…feel the opening Abyss…)

Death’s scythe? A Raven’s wing?
IT’S JACK THE FRIGGIN’ PUMPKIN KING
With a definite hunger in his eye
And what’s clearly a recipe for Human Pie.

_

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

The post Pumpkin Piemaker appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

The Witch walks boldly; she won’t scuttle.
She’s a lot of things, none of which are subtle.
To assure the perfection of this fricassee
She’s added 100% of me.

Here I float, in this cauldron vast
Watching peas whirl on past
Being helpfully gourmet:
“THAT’S TOO MUCH PEPPER, YOU MORON,”
I usefully say.

Yet if a hearty flavor’s sought
She’ll not be happy with what she’s wrought.
For no matter how carefully all is brewed
I taste terrible when I’m in a bad mood.

“Easy on the cumin! Gentle with the thyme!
Stir in some more Wormwood! Enough to slay a mime!
Add a little ajwain! And crushed cardamom pods
Do a little jig to appease the Elder Gods.”

But don’t present this dish to any seasoned epicurean
As they’d probably prefer to be swallowed by a Saurian
With no pleasure I’ll be chewed
I taste terrible when I’m in a bad mood.

What’s this? The Witch a bottle brings
And at its label, my poor heart sings.
Now reap what all your labor’s seeded
You’ve brought just what this dish needed.

Whiskey! Whiskey! Lifelong restorative!
Could I please have a little moreative?
You thought of everything; you’ve sure stickled
I taste AMAZING when I’m pickled.

_

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Cauldronated appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

 

Welcome to the Matrix.
Please be a hero.
Find the damn code
And divide it by zero.

* * *

Don’t count your Dragons before they hatch.
The Red one, the Green one,
and the Purple One With Blue Stripes And Green Polka Dots That Comes Out Of That One Egge Which Was Clearly Tie-Dyed…
…are never gonna match.

* * *

Don’t wear a kilt upon your head
And gild it with sexy feathers.
For if you’ve a kilt upon your head,
What do you wear on your nethers?

* * *

When the mob speaks Economics,
I lift heavy flagons.
I’d rather hear Kobold cubs
Explain slaying Dragons.

* * *

Absinthe does not actually make you hallucinate.
Reality, however, is largely a hallucination.
That’s why it doesn’t make sense.
Absinthe doesn’t make it make sense.
But it does give it a reason to not make sense.

Which is oddly comforting.

* * *

This recipe needs lots of saffron –
Impractical, to be sure.
And who has 16 hours to spend
Roasting in the belly of a Sloar?

* * *

Unless I’m mislead,
You hate the undead,
and that might cause cacophony.

For you see,
Inside of me
(nakedly)
(secretly)
it’s quite skeletony.

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Minimally Pleasant Doggerel appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Said the Witch to her Ursine Companion:
“You can be direct. I don’t care.”
Said the other, “Thank you. I worry.
I don’t want to overbear.”

* * *

A Gelatinous Cube! Scary and bold!
…somebody fetch my Jello mold.

* * *

If your captors are Raptors, beware:
Though you see the one over here,
You don’t see the one over there.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH–

* * *

Oh, Mind Flayer, Mind Flayer, Flayer of Minds
Overly dominant
But with great behinds.

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Witch and Bear & Other Stupid Poems appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Three PoemsThere are Gremlins in the Mail RoomAnd that would be disturbing;It’s with a certain challengeCertain panic I am curbing. There’s Gremlins in the mail roomThis lily I’m not gilding –As we’ve no kind of mailing roomAnywhere within the building.* * *So many OrcsSo little timeTo eat just SOMEWould be quite a crime.* * * *We’re Dwarves.We dig;We have something to dig for;how could anyonewant anymore?

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

 

The post Gremlins in the Mailing Room appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

The panel includes:

Cliandra, Incantantress Supreme of the Elves

Vlorthus. First Warlock of the Humans

Brukhty, Grand Sortilegian of the Orcs

Sam, The Weird Book Guy, Dwarf

Moderator: How did you get started in the magickal realms?

Cliandra: For seven thousand years, my line has studied the Arcanum. It is my destiny, my birthright, and my sacrifice that I bear within my mind the mystic secrets and the revelations whose knowledge is essential to the maintenance of our culture and ways. When I was born, upon my neck was placed a silver lock which symbolizes the responsibility which is mine alone.

Brukhty: We drew lots –

of fire,
caveback,
song,
and blood,

and then we fought,
I and the other little sisters,
matched by lot.

I and seven others
overcame the rest of our sisters,
and were sent to the Older Mother
to be taught.

Vlorthus: My parents were murdered by a Sorcerer whose might was so great he never even know the consequences of his spell. On that day, I vowed I would learn sorcery myself and defeat him. I sold our modest home and used the coins to enter the College of the Pineal Gland.

Sam: I had an excellent pickaxe. We worked an excellent mine. I was happy. There was a little library full of ancient books of sorcery; I passed its open archway every day on my way to the depths to dig. I found myself thinking about it, and the tomes within. One day, even though it was a lovely day at the mine, of a cool and pleasant temperature, and we’d just cracked into a lovely layer of tanzanite, I stopped in to have a closer look. I found the books interesting, and soon was taking five, even ten minutes a day off from mining just to look at the books. After about a week of this, my father sat me down. “Son,” he said. “Do you like the books more than mining?” “No!” I said. He nodded, put down his warhammer, and said, “But they’re okay?” “Yeah, I guess.” Then he handed me this staff and said, “Great. Nobody’s done any magic around here since the last one died, oh, when my Grandfather was a kid. Hope it’s, you know, useful for digging and such.” Then he took my lovely pickaxe and gave me this magic stick.

And here I am.

Anyone got a pickaxe?

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

 

 

The post A Magical Origin Story appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

WE HAVE LISTENED! Many of you contacted us via carrier pigeon, eldest sons bent on revenge, or the fevered pitch of screams torn from human voices never intended to endure torment of this demonic monstrousness, to inform us that you would rather stop having one-third of your dreams divert you away from the arms of Morphius and slide you straight down the grease-slicked chute into the Sixteenth Nether Hell.

You can now opt out of this program easily. Simply send a ragtag group of rebellious adventurers directly into the dreaded Ebon Keep of Certain Doom, have them slay both the Two-Headed Dragon Of Both Penultimate And Ultimate Flame, and return here with the Ring That Slays All Who Touch It. We’ll take your name right off the list.

WASPS. Again, to clarify: If you are not allergic to wasps, you are automatically opted into our “wasp-enhanced nocturnes” programme, sponsored by a very popular pest control company whose name you won’t be hearing here, because you’re sure going to be hearing them again after you close your eyes and we’d hate to spoil the surprise! Where were we? Oh, right, automatically opted in, so your nighttime movearounds are extremely insectile-augmented.

SPECIAL OFFER JUST FOR YOU. We’ve decided we could use YOUR genes, yes, YOURS to create the next genetically enhanced supermodelsoldier! Please grind up your bones and mail them to us, and we promise to give your family and/or inheritors a substantial discount on their next three months of service.

BONUS CONTENT. We have just released 85,800 hours of bonus content. We haven’t checked what it is. But you’ll love it. Yes. You WILL love it.

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My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Very Special Offers appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.