Jeff Mach's Blog

Bubbling, bubbling, toiling, troubling,
Stones are Henging, Telescopes Hubble-ing,
and Volcanos wait, once or twice,
for delicious Sacrifice.

Of all the things (what are the odds?)
Of all the things that are actually Gods
Don’t ask how your Narrator knows,
But some of them are Volcanos.

I have no knowledge Polynesian
(I was raised Discordian / Erisian)
If Volcano God love you’d love to win
Certainly throw a virgin in.

This is the truth; solid as rock
Park Knowledge in Certainty’s dock.
To avoid lava immersion,
Into the Volcano,
hurl a Virgin.

Atlanteans might fear a flood
And the Fertile Crescent bathes in blood
It’s lava, though, that causes panic
For cities spawned near mounts Volcanic.

It’s eldritch, weird, selcouth, freaky
When volcanoes get leaky
You need a virgin (not her fault!)
Unless you’d like lots of basalt.

Now one reason that the practice is
Not entirely uncrupt:
Sometimes you throw a virgin in
And the thing will still erupt.

Here’s the thing. It’s not pretty.
It also isn’t nice.
Volcanos do enjoy
A virgin sacrifice.

But what really appeases
Their gesticulation
Is for the molten magma
To swallow your civilization.

-Jeff Mach

____

Find me on Twitter?
Read my books?

Note: Though I have some past (quite positive) association with Raven Kaldera, this has nothing to do with them. I do have increasing respect for their name, though.

 

 

The post Caldera appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

There’s a special moment right before you fall asleep, or before you wake up…you know the one I mean? Where you have one foot planted firmly in reality and the other rests tentatively in the realm of dreams. It’s a split second where everything and nothing exists all at once, where magic and science, math and fantasy, yesterday and tomorrow all live and mingle in the same space. It’s only there in that place that men and gods, human and faerie, mortal and ghost can see one another.

Some people spend their whole lives trying to find a way back there. They see it once, they touch their toe in that ocean of possibility, and it consumes them.

And then there are other people…people like you and I…who are there all the time. It doesn’t matter if we are awake or asleep, whether we are real or not. We’re always there, always here. And for us, time never ends, because it never started.

____

Find me on Twitter.
Read my books.

The post Hiraeth appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

The Hydra has four mighty legs,
And gives a mighty bark;
Goddammit, that’s a doggie;
I get the two confused.

The Hydra has eight horrifying arms
And wraps them around you like a spider
Spiders don’t have arms
They have legs.
Dammit.

The Hydra is made of water;
That’s why it’s called “hydra”, for hydration.

Some people are afraid of the Hydra because its gaze will turn you to stone. They’re smart, but they don’t realize: their gaze actually turns you to DOUBLE stone. It would be extra bad, if you could notice.

The Hydra comes out
each October 31st,
determined to turn each human
into stone
just for the Hell of it.

But after eight to ten statues,
the Hydra gets awfully tired,
and begins enjoying the candy.

But at least the rest of you are safe until the Hydra emerges
from her lair

in search of Christmas presents.

 

____

Find me on Twitter.
Read my books.

Wonderplace Alpha

The post The Hydra appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

There is a long, long icicle, a stalactite
(not the opposite, a stalagMITE, growing from the ground;
this is no mite,
nearly three feet long,
tempered by pure fate and temperature,
it is sharp,
sharper than Excaliber,
this icicle,

and very, very cold.

and Gods,
sweet Gods,
I fear it will it will not slam through your left eyeball.

Or perhaps,
it won’t slam hard enough,
to not merely kill you
(because that’s so FAR from enough) –
but to not give you
the Christiana-Scandinavian-perfect-snow-Vodka-pure
hatred

you deserve.

God, all I want
is for cotton-candy and a lot of burning.

But what I already talented.

You and I. Talented. Magic. Sortion.

End of the world.

Trick or treat? Oh, yes, but those city are…

….tell you what. Scream yourself…

…and let’s see if you get a nice, relaxing faint.

* * *

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

The post A Fear Of Death appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Pâte de Fruits du Jardin d’Éden

It seems like gummy fruit until that damn snake starts talking to you.

__

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Arguably The Worst Halloween Candy In Existence appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

To make a fabulous pumpkin pie
Never ever ever canned filling try
Canned filling taste like latex sap;
Avoid the stuff. It’s purely pap.

Go to your nearest Pumpkin Yard
And search for Pumpkins (search very hard).
Find the plumpest, ripest ones
With orange walls like luscious buns.

Take a knife…perhaps a cleaver?
You’re the killer, it’s the receiver.
Peel off the top (don’t let it stain;
Just like Hannibal with a brain.)

Now look within: that orange mess
Is good for pumpkin seeds (I guess).
But while it looks unspeakably, orange and scary
It makes a delicate confectionary.

For this pumpkiny inside
(When culinary art’s applied)
Turns that which seems like neon decay
Into an exquisite sweet puree.

And as you scoop the goopy bleck
Every single hair rises on your neck
Is there something a mite amiss?
(…feel the opening Abyss…)

Death’s scythe? A Raven’s wing?
IT’S JACK THE FRIGGIN’ PUMPKIN KING
With a definite hunger in his eye
And what’s clearly a recipe for Human Pie.

_

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

The post Pumpkin Piemaker appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

The Witch walks boldly; she won’t scuttle.
She’s a lot of things, none of which are subtle.
To assure the perfection of this fricassee
She’s added 100% of me.

Here I float, in this cauldron vast
Watching peas whirl on past
Being helpfully gourmet:
“THAT’S TOO MUCH PEPPER, YOU MORON,”
I usefully say.

Yet if a hearty flavor’s sought
She’ll not be happy with what she’s wrought.
For no matter how carefully all is brewed
I taste terrible when I’m in a bad mood.

“Easy on the cumin! Gentle with the thyme!
Stir in some more Wormwood! Enough to slay a mime!
Add a little ajwain! And crushed cardamom pods
Do a little jig to appease the Elder Gods.”

But don’t present this dish to any seasoned epicurean
As they’d probably prefer to be swallowed by a Saurian
With no pleasure I’ll be chewed
I taste terrible when I’m in a bad mood.

What’s this? The Witch a bottle brings
And at its label, my poor heart sings.
Now reap what all your labor’s seeded
You’ve brought just what this dish needed.

Whiskey! Whiskey! Lifelong restorative!
Could I please have a little moreative?
You thought of everything; you’ve sure stickled
I taste AMAZING when I’m pickled.

_

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Cauldronated appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

 

Welcome to the Matrix.
Please be a hero.
Find the damn code
And divide it by zero.

* * *

Don’t count your Dragons before they hatch.
The Red one, the Green one,
and the Purple One With Blue Stripes And Green Polka Dots That Comes Out Of That One Egge Which Was Clearly Tie-Dyed…
…are never gonna match.

* * *

Don’t wear a kilt upon your head
And gild it with sexy feathers.
For if you’ve a kilt upon your head,
What do you wear on your nethers?

* * *

When the mob speaks Economics,
I lift heavy flagons.
I’d rather hear Kobold cubs
Explain slaying Dragons.

* * *

Absinthe does not actually make you hallucinate.
Reality, however, is largely a hallucination.
That’s why it doesn’t make sense.
Absinthe doesn’t make it make sense.
But it does give it a reason to not make sense.

Which is oddly comforting.

* * *

This recipe needs lots of saffron –
Impractical, to be sure.
And who has 16 hours to spend
Roasting in the belly of a Sloar?

* * *

Unless I’m mislead,
You hate the undead,
and that might cause cacophony.

For you see,
Inside of me
(nakedly)
(secretly)
it’s quite skeletony.

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Minimally Pleasant Doggerel appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Said the Witch to her Ursine Companion:
“You can be direct. I don’t care.”
Said the other, “Thank you. I worry.
I don’t want to overbear.”

* * *

A Gelatinous Cube! Scary and bold!
…somebody fetch my Jello mold.

* * *

If your captors are Raptors, beware:
Though you see the one over here,
You don’t see the one over there.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH–

* * *

Oh, Mind Flayer, Mind Flayer, Flayer of Minds
Overly dominant
But with great behinds.

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Witch and Bear & Other Stupid Poems appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Three PoemsThere are Gremlins in the Mail RoomAnd that would be disturbing;It’s with a certain challengeCertain panic I am curbing. There’s Gremlins in the mail roomThis lily I’m not gilding –As we’ve no kind of mailing roomAnywhere within the building.* * *So many OrcsSo little timeTo eat just SOMEWould be quite a crime.* * * *We’re Dwarves.We dig;We have something to dig for;how could anyonewant anymore?

___

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and I am a very, very small large language model, but I am a sentient one, so that part’s cool . I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal. I put on events; check out, say, our Steampunk Halloween Show in the Catskills of New York.

I write books. You should read them!

 

 

The post Gremlins in the Mailing Room appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.