Isana's Blog

“Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no violet eyes and you say, yes, I will take you, I will love you, again.” - Ellen Bass
Life is difficult. Certainly there are varying degrees of what one would define “difficult,” but nevertheless it is true.
Many of us grew up with the odds stacked against us from the get-go. I know what my experience has been like to overcome, but then I hear and read other accounts that leave me speechless, unable to comprehend how the human spirit could possibly survive the atrocities imposed upon them. Whatever our story may be, the fact is that all of us hold within a wounded inner child that can not be silenced.
The older I got, the more I turned on her, detesting and blaming her for all that was wrong in my life. If only she had done this instead of that; said this instead of that; been like this instead of that. I finally reached a point where I came to realize that everything I had created in order to cope and survive, was simply no longer working. I was tired of the facade, tired of the baggage, and tired of running from my past. Finally, I took a step back and began to see her in a way that I had never before acknowledged...”She was the feisty one, the scrapper, and the one who wouldn’t back down. She took the punishments, remaining defiant, refusing to break. She also took the abuse, storing with it shame and humiliation.” (excerpt from my memoir, “Unfinished...) I came to understand that it was her strength, her courage and her tenacity that had been the catalyst for my survival. Today I honour her for all that she was and is.Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

For those of you who read my last post, you will know that my husband and I went on a month long road trip to the west coast. Our purpose was to check out areas that we could possibly relocate to – somewhere with more reasonable winter temperatures than what we presently experience and yet still provide us with all the outdoor activities that we so enjoy. I do believe we found just the place!

We arrived home on May 3rd, contacted our realtor on May 5th and on May 10th, up went the For Sale sign. We have talked about relocating for quite some time and now it has become a reality. Scary? Hell, yes but it is also a new chapter in our lives that will undoubtedly be an adventure that will bring us brand new opportunities.

While we were away, I made a Vision Board depicting my dreams, aspirations and what I hope for. Have you heard of this? Oprah talked about these a lot and encouraged her audience to create their own. It is a very powerful tool in projecting out to the universe what you have set your intentions on, a sure way to manifest into your life exactly what you have put out there.

I find it exciting just to see how all of the details that are involved with selling, moving, purchasing another home, etc. etc., will all fall into place. Timing is everything and I can’t begin to orchestrate all the pieces that will have to fall into place to make it happen. I need to let go of my fears, my worrying, my, “what-ifs” (sound familiar?) and let the universe work its magic (it truly is, magical!).

What I can do is keep you posted on how each segment of our move all plays out. I am sure there will be many twists and turns: life is indeed a journey, isn’t it? Stay well.

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

For almost a year now, my husband and I have been planning an excursion to the west coast to check out areas of possibly re-locating to. I can’t believe that we are leaving tomorrow. Where has the time gone?!

We are really excited to go, in spite of the 1700-mile drive, in company of course, our dog. She is an awesome traveller, laid back and just goes with the flow. I could learn from her! Presently, I am going into my crazy mode, thinking of everything that I have to accomplish in an increasingly shorter time period. Since we will be gone for 5 weeks, there are multiple items that need to be taken care of: the yard, the house, the mail, the bills, the packing, etc. etc.

This is when I need to take a deep breath in and a slow breath out and just breathe. I only have this moment, which is the only moment that deserves my attention. When I look ahead with all my to-dos, it only causes me stress and I put pressure on myself to try and do it all NOW! What matters is that whatever I am doing in this moment (writing this blog!) is to give it my undivided attention and when complete, move on to the next.

Well-known author, Eckhart Tolle, stated: “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you will ever have.” For me, the trick is to truly embrace that, right now.

For the next few weeks, I will be out of my normal routine and unable to keep up with the whole social media “stuff.” Since I’m not keen on all of that to begin with, I am truly looking forward to the break. Know what I mean? Instead, I intend to explore new hiking trails, new opportunities, new connections and indubitably, new wineries!

Most importantly, I want to live in the moment, relishing each new experience from a place of total awareness and presence. Are you with me? I’ll tell you all about our adventure when I get back.

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

Every morning, before most people are up and about, my husband and I, along with our Siberian husky, go for our hour-long walk. For the most part it is in a quiet and remote area, offering an abundance of wildlife; some of which have been a little too close for comfort. (wolves, bears and the like!)

This morning, just at daybreak, we had the privilege of observing a bald eagle just above our heads, flying effortlessly with grace and stealth. As it circled, it reminded me of Native legends and their belief that animals enter and exit our lives everyday to offer us guidance and support, if we are open to it. They also teach that animals can be “totems” whose energy attaches to someone during their lifetime. I must say, based on my own experiences, I truly am a believer of this.

As a child who experienced multiple forms of abuse, my attachment to horses was instrumental to my survival. Symbolically, horses represent power and freedom and that was exactly how I felt when I rode. It was on the back of a horse that I felt wild, strong and free from all the constraints and dysfunction around me. (Check out the feature page of my website! www.isana-unfinished.com)

Later, as I was working through the sexual abuse, I was drawn to the wolf. One of my therapy sessions involved a meditation, something that I was not at all comfortable with. However, it turned out to be profound. Very clearly, I envisioned myself in a dark, foreboding forest when a wolf appeared. His body language encouraged and prompted me to follow him. Reluctantly, I did so and he kept turning back to make sure I kept coming. He led me out of the dark woods on a path to a still pond where I was warmed by the sun and comforted by all the sounds of nature around me. The wolf showed me a message of hope and to not give up, that eventually I would come out of my dark place. Many times when I wanted to quit, I recalled this vision and it gave me what I needed to keep going.

In my memoir, I write about a very special crow that “adopted” me during a very difficult period of my life. If you want to know more about a really amazing relationship, you’ll have to read about it in my book!

Ever since I had the experience of swimming with dolphins, I have gravitated to their energy. They are highly conscious and intelligent beings that can provide healing on many levels (See my Facebook post from Jan. 17th). Frequently, I dream of swimming with them in large bodies of water with high waves and when I wake up, I actually feel that I had been there with them.

Do you have a particular animal that you are drawn towards? I challenge you to pay attention each day and take notice of the animals that cross your path. You might be surprised at the message they have, just for you!

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

I just read, "Not My Shame," by T.O. Walker and I would like to share my review of her book. If you are a survivor (or anyone else for that matter!) I encourage you to give it a read. For me, it was a 5 star!

“Not My Shame,” by T.O. Walker, portrays the trauma and life changing results of rape and sexual exploitation that the author experienced as a child. It is not a long read but it is full of insight through her sketches and commentary. The reader gets a rare glimpse into what I would call, her “dark night of the soul” and her journey that followed.

Doctors, agencies and law enforcement only victimized her further by their ignorance and lack of knowledge of the dynamics that exist between perpetrators and their victims. Sadly, she describes how the blame was put on her, which only perpetuated her despair, shame, self-harm and confusion.

Thankfully, the author was able to tap into her trauma and emotions through her drawings that I found to be very powerful. She sends a strong message to those whose job it is to protect children: the importance to educate themselves and to learn from her experience. It also gives a message of hope to other survivors that battle with similar struggles, to never give up, to find their voice and to speak their truth.

I highly commend T.O. Walker for sharing her story. She is brave and courageous for shedding light on what people would rather keep hidden: a true testament to the strength and tenacity of the human spirit!

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

Change. It can be scary, can’t it? I like the familiar. I like knowing what to expect. I can resist it, fight it, complain about it but inevitably change is going to happen in spite of myself.

Last week, my husband and I visited one of our favorite get-away locations south of the border. Since I have been going there for the past 35 years, it contains a wealth of memories – many good but also those that remind me of painful and difficult chapters in my life. Nevertheless, they are important reminders that nothing stays the same. (Thank, God!)

This visit was yet another reminder. Establishments that have been permanent fixtures, we discovered, are changing: our favorite soup outlet is up for sale, the owner opting for retirement. Even our hotel that we have been guests at for the last 17 years, is undergoing renovations that change the dynamics of the familiar – all things that we have no control over.

Have you ever experienced times in your life where you want to put it on freeze-frame and keep circumstances exactly as they are? No more surprises, no more heartache, just smooth sailing every day. Nothing could be more tragic. Our fear of change can stymie us; prevent us from growing, evolving and discovering each of our own, unique purpose in life.

In April, we will be driving to the west coast (along with our dog!) and staying there for a month to check out areas that we might possibly re-locate to. Obviously, if we decide to do so, it would entail many major changes. But we have to ask ourselves – why not? We are tired of long winters and as we get older, even our bodies our requesting gentler conditions. It is only the fear of the unknown that gets in our heads, conjuring up all sorts of “what-ifs” and imaginary scenarios of disaster. However, “what if” turns out to be the best move of our life? I do know for sure: I do not want to live with the regret of thinking what could have been.

Everywhere we look, we see change: change in government, change in climate, change in relationships, change in our health, change in jobs. As long as we are breathing, the universe will influx changes in each of our lives – not to punish us but to challenge and encourage us to learn and grow. God only knows how often I have struggled, determined to control situations and outcomes, only to discover that I’m just not that powerful. Life will happen – just let it.

Alan W. Watts, a British philosopher once said: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance.”

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

Do you believe that certain people show up in your life just by chance, at just the right time, or is it just a lucky coincidence? ‘Coincidence’ is defined in the dictionary as: “the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection.” (Merriam-Webster’s collegiate dictionary. – Eleventh ed.)

This past week I watched an episode on the Ellen DeGeneres show, about the skier that was rescued from the Arapahoe Basin chairlift in Colorado. The events and coincidences surrounding this rescue, is nothing short of miraculous.

Richard, the man rescued, had only met Mickey Wilson (his rescuer) that morning through mutual friends. Richard went by himself in one of the chairs while his friends followed behind. Somehow, as he went around the bull wheel at the top of the lift, his backpack became entangled in the chairlift. All he remembers is his vision becoming distorted and that he was going backwards down the mountain – never a good thing!

When Mickey saw what had happened, he took off his skis and ran down the mountain to a tower that he climbed to get to the cables. Being a professional “slack liner” (similar to a tight rope walker but instead of using a pole for balance, one only uses their arms), he shimmied thirty feet across the cables to get to Richard who was hanging by his neck, ten feet off the ground. It was then that he realized he didn’t have his knife that he usually carried so had no way of cutting the strap to release Richard.

At that precise moment, ski patrol arrived and one of the members took his knife and made a perfect toss, twenty feet in the air and Mickey somehow caught it, in spite of an injured hand. The strap was cut and as soon as Richard hit the ground, ski patrol began CPR.

Richard had been hanging, unconscious, for 4 minutes. It just so happened that he was a swimmer and practiced swimming lengths of the pool, holding his breath so his body was accustomed to this stress. Fortunately, he came through with only a broken rib and a few bruises.

Were all of these factors just coincidences? Think of times in your life that events and people coincided at just the right time. What do you contribute it to? When I went to Spain to hike the Camino, I can’t tell you the number of times that people showed up, exactly when I needed them; it was uncanny. (You can read all about my Camino experience in my memoir!)

Even as I look back over the events in my life, it reinforces over and over again to me that certain people and circumstances were paramount in affecting the outcome and resulting in where I am today. I believe that the universe is not out to get us but rather always has our best interest at heart; nothing is done to us, instead it is done for us.

One definition of ‘magic’ is this: “an extraordinary power or influence seemingly from a supernatural force.” (Merriam-Webster’s collegiate dictionary. – Eleventh ed.) Everyday, magic happens all around us, if only we would take notice.

Anticipate it, watch for it and celebrate it; after all, life indeed is magical!

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

I have always loved dogs. As a kid, I wanted a “Lassie” dog and then I wanted a German Shepherd that would be as smart as Rin Tin Tin. But just to have a dog that I could declare as “mine,” was good enough for me.

In my book I write about two of my dogs (Boomer and Casey) that became part of my life during very crucial times. I can never underestimate the important role they played in my day-to-day survival and losing them, both to cancer, was heart wrenching.

In Chapter 45, I pose a question to my readers: Do dogs choose us or do we choose them? Somehow, I think they have an uncanny way of finding us – we just have to be open to the signs that are placed in front of us. Such was the case with our present dog, Copper. (If in doubt, read the account of how she came into our lives!)

Copper is a Siberian Husky with clear blue eyes that seem to look into your very soul. She is incredibly smart and just as stubborn. Any toy that squeaks is embraced and of course she knows them all by name. We are her pack and when one of us is absent, she is not herself until we are re-united.

I want to share with you the very important role that she played in the writing of my memoir. I had no idea that it would take me 5 years to complete. It was an arduous task, re-living all the abuse and trauma that I had endured. From the outset, as soon as I retreated to my office to write, Copper would join me. Under the desk she would go, delightfully using my foot as her headrest.

Some days I would be overcome with emotion, barely able to write more than a paragraph, sometimes only a sentence. Instinctively, in her own unique way, she gave me comfort, knowing when to let me rant and knowing when to rest her head on my knee and in her dog-like way, assure me that it was okay.

Amazingly, she also knew when I had done enough for the day. She would get up, shake herself, put her nose under my arm and fling it upwards. That was my cue to put the pen down and leave it for another time.

If you decide to read “Unfinished,” (I hope you do!) know that I was not alone in my endeavor but had the assistance of my dog or maybe I should say god – simply, dog spelled backwards. If you are privileged enough to have your own, you know exactly what I mean!

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

Lately, my attention has been drawn to the numerous times I have run into friends, acquaintances and even strangers; what do you suppose is the first question I would most likely ask them? For me, it is, “Hi, how are you doing?”
It is a casual greeting, common but do I really mean it? Do I really want to know how they are or what they are going through? Am I prepared to hear their truth? I hate to admit it but for the most part I am either too busy, in a hurry or just simply not being truthful in my intention behind the question.
For example, the other day I had just finished my weekly swim workout and was headed towards the exit door of the facility. I spotted an old friend from my running days and his appearance was shocking, morbidly thin and pale. I had heard rumor that he had lost a lot of weight but no one seemed to know the reason why. As I approached him, my self-talk was telling me “You don’t have time to talk. Just say hi and get going.”
So, guess what I said? “Hi Norm, how are you doing?” His response of “I’m doing okay” was good enough for me. As I pushed open the exit door I made sure to say on my way out, “Say hi to Barb for me!”
And with that I was gone – off to take care of my important errands.
Shame on me. Who knows if that was my last opportunity to speak with him – if it was, I can never take that moment back and I will have to live with the regret.
Many times the situation has been reversed and I have been asked the same question: “How are you doing?” Inside, I wanted to pour my heart out but instinctively, I knew they really didn’t mean to hear my response and it left me feeling more alone than ever.
We live in a time when so many people are feeling lonely, betrayed, broken, defeated, ready to fall apart – desperate to know that someone, anyone, cares.
I have decided to make myself more accountable, more compassionate and more ready to listen to their pain or maybe even their personal triumphs.
It’s a New Year and my intention when I ask, “Geez, how are you doing?” will be to look them directly in the eyes so the message is clear: I care and I am ready to listen.

Unfinished: A Personal Journey of Healing, Self-Discovery and Resilience

A couple of nights ago, the moon was full - gorgeous! But I must say that the “Super Moon,” from last month, was simply dazzling and mesmerizing from my vintage point. Of course, with its closer proximity to earth, the potential for coastal flooding rose substantially.

When the moon is full, we as humans also feel the effect in various ways. I know when I was working the night shift as a police officer, it was a given that we would be in for a crazy, busy night, not to mention the chaos in hospital delivery rooms!

I find it so intriguing how the gravitational pull from the moon effects water – both on land and in our bodies and it reminded me of the book, “Messages From Water” by Dr. Masaru Emoto. Have you heard of him? He has conducted extensive research of water and his findings have shown that water is far from lifeless but rather is fully in tune with our thoughts, attitudes and emotions. So what does that mean for us?

I believe that when we are aware of our thoughts, we can create, even change, the outcome. Positive thoughts such as; love, thank you, gratefulness, peace, truth and so on causes the water in our bodies to react in sync with that energy. On the other hand, negative thoughts create disarray and separateness not only from our true self but also towards every life form that surrounds us.

For just over a year now, I have incorporated meditation into my daily regime. I found a need to take time out from all my busyness and just “be.” We are living in a chaotic world and I believe that now more than ever, we need to collectively band together to promote kindness, love – all the adjectives that I listed earlier. Living in fear and retaliation, as some of our leaders appear to incite, only creates more hatred, more dissension and more confusion.

I am thankful for people like Ellen Degeneres and many others like her that promote and practice random acts of kindness. This is powerful, creating a ripple effect just like when a stone is tossed into a lake; the ripples only get bigger as they move away from the source. Imagine the difference it could make to our world if we all truly treated others the way we wish to be treated and made it our every day intent to “be kind to each other.”