T. Watley's Blog: Heart To Heart

T. Watley

So, it's been some years since I've posted a blog. I am now 41 with 5 kids with ages ranging from a new adult to a toddler. All in the middle of a global pandemic, accompanied by a ripened pimple of racial discord that is about to burst. Like everyone else, my stress level is at an all time high.
On the surface I have been handling things quite well. Even though I am not currently working, all my needs are met and through the grace of the Most High we have been financially stable. In some ways we are doing better now than we were before the pandemic started. Although I am immeasurably grateful that my family has been maintained and are all physically healthy, today I realized mentally things are not as balanced.
Today I realized how much anxiety along with feelings of discord, loneliness, rejection, doubt and uncertainty I was really carrying. Then I realized not only was I carrying it but so are my children. I'm quite sure we are not alone. This is something that is happening worldwide.
On top of that I have entered the over 40 club. What a feeling. Yesterday the thought came to me that what is bothering me about my age is that the picture is not matching. Meaning what little Aisha dreamed is not what adult Aisha is experiencing. Though I am not in a bad place, I am not in the place I envisioned I would be.
So now what? What do you do with that. The hard part about that question is if you are at this age and have not filled in your picture, it usually means you spent lots of time trying and have failed. This age also means that you realize you are mortal and time is going by quickly leaving less and less time for mistakes and failure. Who wants to waste more money and more time failing? Not this not this 41 year old. But now what do I do?
That is the million dollar question folks. What's next? How to move forward without the continuing crippling feeling of another failure. What say you?

I am 37 years old and have been through enough trauma to last a lifetime so motivational talks really irritate me. It's easy for people who haven't seen much anguish to say keep moving, keep pushing, just believe. The triumph, to me, comes when some one has been through hell and hot water and can still be positive. That is not very easy to do. It is hard to recognize the sun when you have only seen clouds. It all starts to look like more sky. How do you find the sun? What do you do to pull yourself up and feel like things will turn around? These are questions I ask myself daily. Some days I feel I know the answers. Others not so much. Maybe there is no difinitive answer. Maybe you should just do what works for you. Maybe it will all wash out in the end. Maybe we are all screwed up. Maybe we aren't. Who really knows? Maybe nobody.
T. Watley
A Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide

At some time in our lives I think we all come to a place where we question the decisions we have made this far. This happens to me often. Often times I wonder what the plan is for me or if there is one at all. During these times I try to either redirect my thoughts or either go over all my mistakes. Why is it easier to rehearse your losses than it is your wins? The past is the past and it can't be changed yet we spend so much time rethinking and focusing on it. I don't have the answers for any of these questions. What I do know is that eventually we all stumble upon our purpose. You just keep trying until you figure it out. Everyone is here for a reason. Even if its just to help someone else find theirs. Keep loving, living, and moving people, someone is always watching. Give them something amazing to look at.T. Watley
A Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide

Without realizing, I added alot of myself into the 3 lead female characters in A Fantasy Real. One of the things that stuck out to me when I read the finished product was insecurity. This is something that has plagued me my entire life. I have always worried about what people thought of or how people saw me. It has proven to be crippling in some instances as I have gotten older. Writing and having my book published has been a great accomplishment for me. I had to endure the criticisms and rejection from my publishers and readers. It helped my skin get a little thicker. Marketing has been the real challenge. I have to put myself out to the world and await their acceptance or rejections. Some days are harder than others and I shut down completely. What really makes me proud is that I keep going. Even though I may feel like giving up or even say it, I still try again. What is my motivation? My kids. There are 4 people watching my every move. It is so important for me that they know anything is possible if they put their minds to it. That they are just as good as anyone else and they don't have to worry about acceptance as long as they accept themselves. That is what I push for daily, self acceptance. Does it work everyday? No. But if I keep trying I will get there and you will too. There will always be stumbling blocks in life and you will fall. Falling is fine as long as you keep getting up.

If you have something to share or if this post was helpful please leave it in the comments below.

T. Watley
A Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide

My first novel A Fantasy Real is about a young woman who has her career set but is lacking in her love life. I got the idea for this book because as a wife and mother of 4 I would daydream a lot about the "what if" things in life. What if I looked like this or what if I didn't do that. In life we sometimes deny ourselves so that our loved ones can have the things they need. In doing that I feel we lose apart of ourselves without even noticing. This happened to me. I started my family early and devoted most of my time to making sure I did everything in my power to keep them happy. Meanwhile my own happiness was fading. Before I knew it I was 15 yrs older and still didn't know who I was as an individual. This caused me to be unhappy and dissatisfied with my life. I knew how to be a wife. I knew how to be a mom. I knew how to do my job but I couldn't figure out how to be me. Coincidently not knowing how to be me meant I really didn't know how to do the other things either. So what do you do when you realize you don't know you? You find you. You stop yourself in your tracks and redirect. It is a puzzle that will not be solved overnight or in an instance but it can be done. The first step is realizing that you are lost. The next step is to figure out what makes you feel at peace. What makes you feel calm, loved and at home. Once you find some peace you can then reflect on why you are where you are and how you got there. There are different ways to find peace and to center yourself. For me it was prayer. I'm not a minister nor am I hear to preach. I am just saying what helped me. Talking to God and asking for peace and for direction helped me to start to piece together the things that were foggy for me. Some people meditate or exercise. As long as you can focus and reflect you will see a shift because you are stopping and taking time to align yourself. If you are out of order internally your life will be out of order externally. In my situation I had to start in my past to try and figure out why my present was so unsettled. This is all apart of soul searching and finding out who you are. I am moving forward in my journey and some days are harder than others but I can see the growth and feel that the changes I have made and continue to make will take me where I am supposed to be. My hope and prayer is that someone will read this and know that it is alright to be where you are. We are all a work in progress. Please feel free to comment with any insight you have on this subject. You never know who you are helping. T. WatleyA Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide

Hello Folks. My name is T. Watley and I am a newly published author of the novel A Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide. The reason for this blog is to 1. Introduce myself to the world and develop more of a following and 2. to try and help people overcome personal trials as I overcome my own. I truly believe we only go through situations in life in order to help others come through theirs. It is my personal goal to do my best to use my life experiences to help others. Life has dealt me some hard cards and knocked me down numerous times but I have the irresistible need to press forward. It has to be for a reason. I am no life coach or Guru and I don't have a fancy degree. I am just a woman on a journey who is inviting you along for the ride with hopes that it will help you on yours. It is my hope that you will meet me here on Monday and Tuesday mornings to discuss life and all it's twists and turns. Let's share, love and grow together.
T. Watley
A Fantasy Real: When Life and Lust Collide