Jennifer Gilmour's Blog

It’s been a while since I shared some of my written work and this is something I put together when I was journaling and reflecting. 

 

Controlled

Controlled 

Silent

Sitting

Fear

Longing

Confusion

Self-Debate

Short spiral

Reflection

Starving

Disturbing 

Changing

Trapped

Isolated

Ignored

Desperation

;

© Jennifer Gilmour 2025

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The post Controlled first appeared on Jennifer Gilmour.

Fashion and style often get dismissed as surface-level concerns. Yet for many survivors of trauma, the way you choose to present yourself to the world carries far more meaning than a passing trend. Clothing, jewellery and self-expression become tools of healing, small but significant steps towards reclaiming confidence, agency and joy.

Why Self-Expression is More than ‘Just Fashion’

When life feels stripped of control, even the smallest choices matter. Picking out an outfit or trying a new hairstyle might sound trivial to outsiders, but it’s a way of saying: I decide who I am today. Survivors often use style as a language to communicate strength, resilience or even softness when they’re ready. It’s a quiet yet powerful rebellion against feeling defined by pain.

Self-expression through clothing and accessories isn’t vanity, it’s autonomy in action. The act of choosing what to wear becomes a ritual of self-care and a reminder that identity belongs to you, not to what happened to you. 

I went through a ritual of working through and replacing the old clothes that were tied up in the memories with the person who abused me, it wasn’t an easy process but looking back I can see how liberating it was clearings out old memories. It meant it opened up an opportunity to find my own outfits and despite it taking years to find my identity it became a part of my healing journey, finding my confidence.  

The Symbolism of Jewellery and Style in Reclaiming Identity

Jewellery, in particular, has always carried symbolism. Rings, necklaces, and earrings can mark milestones, honour loved ones, or signal transformation. For survivors, slipping on a new piece can feel like closing one chapter and opening another. It’s not about following trends; it’s about embodying meaning.

Take piercings, for example. Something as simple as choosing the best nose rings can represent both resilience and renewal. They’re not just accessories; they’re statements of identity, worn proudly in the open. When you choose pieces that reflect your personal journey, they become far more than decoration; they’re reminders of the strength you’ve already built.

Style as a Form of Storytelling

Survivors often find words inadequate to describe their journeys. Style steps in as another language. A bold colour palette can signal courage. Minimalist lines might suggest the desire for calm and clarity. Vintage finds can be about reclaiming history, while custom jewellery can carry deeply personal symbolism.

This kind of storytelling doesn’t need an audience. Even if no one else understands why you’ve chosen a particular jacket, bracelet, or shade of lipstick, the meaning it carries for you is enough. Style tells your story back to you, affirming your resilience with every glance in the mirror.

How Communities Can Support Authentic Expression

Communities play a vital role in this process. Too often, survivors’ choices are judged or questioned: Why that tattoo? Why that outfit? But supportive spaces allow individuals to experiment with self-expression without fear of criticism. I have had my own share of ink therapy and continue to work on a sleeve I am hoping to eventually complete. 

Friends, family and even workplaces can help by encouraging authenticity rather than conformity. Complimenting someone’s new accessory or celebrating their bold haircut may seem small, but it validates their right to express themselves freely. Communities can also create safe platforms, through events, workshops or online groups, where survivors share their style journeys, finding solidarity in creativity.

Over three years ago, I went through another style change and my hair became a part of that journey. I boldly shaved off half of my hair and felt empowered in my decision, it invoked confidence and it was well received by passers by.  

Beyond the Surface: Why Style Matters in Healing

Critics may argue that healing comes from therapy or time, not from fashion. Yet the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Therapy can address the inner wounds, but style often handles the outward-facing ones. Together, they form a more holistic approach to recovery.

When survivors feel seen, both by themselves and by others, the journey towards healing gains momentum. Style becomes a daily practice of resilience – accessible, personal and deeply symbolic.

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The post Reclaiming Control: How Personal Style Helps Survivors Heal first appeared on Jennifer Gilmour.

Last night, I came across a photo of me and my dog, Molly. It brought back a flood of emotions that I had pushed down for a long time.

Molly wasn’t just a dog. She was my comfort, my constant companion and my safe place during a time when I was isolated. When I was living with an abusive partner, the moments I took Molly out for a walk were some of the only times I had a little relief from what was happening behind closed doors. Her presence gave me comfort, affection and another reason to keep going when life felt unbearably heavy.

Domestic Abuse and Pets: The Painful Reality Few Talk About

When we talk about domestic abuse and pets, there’s a hidden layer of hurt that often goes unspoken, the loss of beloved animals who are left behind when survivors flee for their safety.

One of the most painful aspects of escaping abuse is the grief. Not just the trauma of what you endured but the crushing loss of everything you have to leave behind in order to survive. For me, Molly was one of many losses. I couldn’t take her with me when I finally left and it still sits heavy when I am reminded of her, despite being 11 1/2 years physically free. 

To this day, I think about her. I wonder where she is, if she’s okay and if she’s even still alive. The guilt and sorrow still rise unexpectedly. She was part of my survival story and yet, she’s gone.

When Pets Are Victims Too

Pets often become collateral damage in abusive households. Abusers may harm or threaten animals to exert control and for many survivors, the thought of leaving a pet behind is enough to delay or prevent their escape entirely. The deep emotional bonds we have with our pets are not easily severed. They’re not “just animals” they’re family, they’re lifelines.

Unfortunately, many domestic abuse shelters still aren’t equipped to accept animals, leaving survivors with an mentally challenging choice: stay and protect their pet or flee and find safety. Pets can be another reason not to leave, but not the only one. They’re often 100 reasons to leave and a 1,000 reasons to stay which is the message of my debut novel, Isolation Junction. 

The Unseen Losses of Escaping Abuse

Leaving abuse isn’t a clean break. It’s not just walking away from one person, it’s walking away from a life. From your home, your belongings, your routines, your identity. You may have to let go of your friends, community, dreams and sometimes your pets.

I grieve for Molly and I honour her. I honour the way she kept me grounded, the way she sat quietly by my side when I cried, the way she reminded me what love without conditions felt like. 

How to Begin Processing the Loss of a Pet After Abuse

Losing a pet in this way comes with layers of guilt, helplessness and unresolved grief. If you’re carrying this type of pain, here are some gentle ways to begin processing it:

🕯️ 1. Acknowledge the Loss Fully

Give yourself permission to grieve; your pain is valid. 

📖 2. Create a Memory Space or Ritual

Write a letter to your pet, light a candle, frame a photo. These small rituals can help validate your bond and begin healing the involuntary separation.

🗣️ 3. Talk About It (If You Can)

Grief needs to be witnessed. Whether with a therapist, trusted friend or an online support group. Speaking the truth of your experience can lift some of the weight.

✍️ 4. Journal Your Feelings

Writing helps bring clarity. Try journaling about your pet, the memories and what you wish for them. This can be a powerful but also a private way to release your emotions.

🌱 5. Honour Their Role in Your Survival

Pets like Molly weren’t just companions; they were protectors, emotional anchors and often silent witnesses to abuse. Recognising their role in your survival story helps transform grief into honouring their role in your life at such an arduous time.

💜 6. Get Support Specific to Pet Loss After Abuse

There are now more organisations addressing domestic abuse and pets. Some shelters offer fostering programs or reunification plans. Even if you’ve come through the other side, it’s healing to know you’re not alone and that your experience matters.

To Those Carrying Silent Grief, You’re Not Alone

To anyone reading this who has had to make impossible choices, who carries silent grief that the world doesn’t always acknowledge… I see you.

Your losses matter.

Your story matters.

And your strength, even in the moments you feel weakest is something to be deeply proud of. 

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The post The Untold Grief of Domestic Abuse: When You Have to Leave a Pet Behind first appeared on Jennifer Gilmour.

I never thought I would share that getting tattoos would become a therapy for me after years growing up being encouraged to keep my skin bare and it being less socially acceptable. 

But my first tattoo was a result of the separation from the abusive person I had been with for some years, it’s the reason why I’ve done the work I have done within the domestic abuse sector and within the public sector to raise awareness of an unhealthy person to be in a relationship with. At the time, the tattoo was there to signify that I can do what I wish with my body and I remember feeling empowered to have been able to take this step. 

Almost 12 years ago, I got this first tattoo, a bow on my ankle which is a reminder to me that I can hold myself together and that I can do what I wish with my body. 

It’s only until the last couple of years that I realised I had started getting more tattoos as a form of ink therapy. Only through trends on TikTok or memes that have circulated have I noticed that this is in fact how I have been helping myself. 

There are a few ways this could be viewed as therapy including:

Having the chance to talk to the tattooist that you’ve built a relationship withThe tattoos as an alternative to self-harmTaking the time out for yourself and doing something you want (just like retail therapy)

I’d say mine is a mixture of all three PLUS a final concept I want to introduce to you.

Meaningful tattoos that process any kind of trauma by evolving it into a piece of art that can be forever worn as a positive memorial or new armour. 

This leads me to my most recent additions which are a result of that relationship that I hadn’t had the opportunity to process. During the years I was with him, I wasn’t allowed to attend my Grandad’s or Auntie’s funeral, along with some other important moments within my family dynamic. You can imagine the continuous hurt this would provide even years after those funerals, read more about my journey in my latest publication From Trauma to Triumph.  

This year I finally made a step to remember these two people to which I didn’t get to say goodbye, taking my very own tattoo therapy to a whole new level and into that meaningful space. I am working on a British wildlife tattoo sleeve and each animal, insect or flower has it’s very own meaning. 

Not so long ago, two new flowers have made it onto my arm. 

Erythronium Keith for my Grandad Keith. 

I have fond memories with my Grandad and he had this unique laugh that always made me join in laughing. I remember going to this place called Tiny Walk with him which is where he took my mum and her sisters as children. The Tiny Walk was a place between Hornsea and Withernsea which had a space for two cars to pull up, take a short walk along the field side, pass some air-raid shelters and walk down the small cliffs edge to reach the beach which was a space we never saw another person.

Geranium Phaeum Enid for my Auntie Enid. 

My Auntie Enid was a lady who lived next-door to us when I was a child, we would spend so much time with her that we ended up joining our back gardens with a gateway that had an archway above it made out of a bush. I remember going through and climbing the tree in her back garden, often helping her shell peas from their pods and enjoy her company. We had kept in touch for years even after we had both moved to different homes. My brother and I would go to her house every Friday night for tea, she had become like a grandma to us. Her two daughters Jean and Eileen were also a part of this story as they would babysit us and I knew them as the chuckle sisters. 

Each one of my tattoos means something different and each part of my British wildlife sleeve has its own meaning. I am thankful to my tattoo artist for working with me especially when it comes to unusual flowers that I’ve found like these two. Amber does a fantastic job and enjoys the story that unfolds from each tattoo.

You can find my sleeve inspiration which is updated for each addition to my sleeve to help Amber bring it to life on my tattoo board here. 

Perhaps once it is complete I will create a full photo with a key to display all the meanings of each piece of my sleeve. 

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The post Ink Therapy: From Trauma to Tattoos appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.

If you’ve read my latest book Turning Trauma Into Triumph then you will know that I am back at university studying BSc Psychology. This has led me to find a love in Substack and share this part of my journey over there.

What is Substack?

Substack is a platform that allows writers and creators to publish newsletters, blog posts, podcasts and videos; Substack writers can interact directly with their audience. It’s designed to be a space where writers can connect with readers without the interference of algorithms or advertisements (that’s certainly a bonus for me). 

My Substack: Psychology in Pyjamas 

 

I plan to share my personal learnings, my everyday life, the theories that grip me, the challenges of juggling everything, my lifestyle and anything else that links to my lived experiences.

Get your notepads at the ready, your pens in your pencil case and your travel mugs to hand.

Mini blurb: From a patient stuck in pyjamas to a psychology student sharing her journey from pain to purpose. Grab a cuppa, get comfy and join me – Jennifer Gilmour.

Join me on the journey Subscribe now What about this blog?

 

This blog will be focused only on my domestic abuse work and will dip into psychology as and when appropriate for me to do so, right now I am a student and therefore it won’t affect the blog in any way. I didn’t want to take over this blog with other psychology-related findings/life and so I get to enjoy that on the Substack platform. There will be an element of my Substack that crosses over to this blog and my work with domestic abuse as I look at trauma as a whole. 

I also want to reassure you that I am in a productive space when I am writing, it is my therapy. You may have noticed a gap in my blog posts here and this was due to have to take time out to recover from three surgeries which ultimately affected my mental health. 

I hope you will enjoy both my blog posts here and over there. I can’t wait to see you over on Substack as it certainly feels less like I am talking to myself, I will see you there!

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Last year I was honoured to be commissioned to work on the design and structure of a workbook journal that goes alongside a domestic abuse programme for vulnerable mothersbuil by DVACT-PAI. I was delighted to hear how happy they were with the work I did to support the programme.

About the Domestic Abuse Programme for Vulnerable Mothers

DV-ACTION provide a blended learning programme designed specifically for mothers in child protection measures. This programme makes learning accessible and promotes lasting change.

The programme is particularly suitable for women where; there is an enduring emotional attachment to the abuser; the abuse has impacted their ability to make safe decisions, or they have a history of difficulties in permanently escaping the relationship.

Domestic abuse knowledge – covering subjects such as power and control, sexual abuse and coercive control.

Attachment – exploring reasons why the mother remained in the relationship, understanding the emotional attachment to the abuser and pressures to reconcile.

Children – with a focus on understanding the effects of abuse on the child and reparative parenting.

Safety planning – focusing on prioritising children’s safety, crisis management and early warning signals.

Personal insight – discussing the impact of the abuse, exploring childhood experiences and reasons for vulnerability.

Moving forward – building self-esteem, how to work collaboratively with professionals and what to do when starting a new relationship.

Additional needs – this will cover specific needs not included in the above areas such as alcohol abuse, grieving and loss, the use of violent resistance and immigration concerns.

Learn more

I was even more delighted to see that Claire Verney, the director of DVACT-PAI, had backed my most recent Kickstarter campaign for my publication Turning Trauma Into Triumph. Once the book was published I received an email that expressed Claire’s congratulations and informed me of how impactful the book is, so much so that she intended to provide a copy to each vulnerable mum who is on the programme.

Here’s the official statement:

Jennifer’s book will be supplied by DVACT-PAI to survivors who attend their domestic abuse programme for vulnerable mothers. The Programme works with mothers to break the attachment to their abusive partner and to help them keep their children safe. Turning Trauma into Triumph is a practical and accessible resource demonstrating to survivors that they can recover from their experiences which is an important message for all those on their journey towards rebuilding their lives free from abuse.

– Claire Verney (Director of DVACT-PAI).

 

Turning Trauma Into Triumph is my proudest publication to date, it collects my written work amongst blog posts, guest posts, articles, unpublished pieces alongside my reflections on each section. To hear that it will make a difference in this way is something I wouldn’t have imagined. 

Read Turning Trauma Into Triumph

I will continue to follow DVACT-PAI’s progress with this programme and their other work. 

Together we are Louder!

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The day has finally arrived, it’s publication day for a book I am incredibly proud of. 

Today’s the day!

My new book, Turning Trauma Into Triumph: The Path from Pain to Purpose, is officially available.

This book is a deeply personal collection of articles and blog posts, chronicling my journey of escaping a relationship with an abusive partner and into recovery. I share my experiences to shed light on the often hidden reality of coercive control, offer practical advice for those facing similar challenges and ultimately provide hope for healing.

Whether you’ve been personally affected by abuse or want to understand this important issue better, this book offers insights, resources and a message of resilience.

Read now

This book was Fully funded via Kickstarter, thank you to those who supported the campaign and to those who spread the word. 

Blurb

“Turning Trauma into Triumph” is a raw and inspirational collection of articles and blog posts written by Jennifer Gilmour, chronicling her journey from the depths of domestic abuse to the heights of recovery and empowerment.

Jennifer recounts her harrowing experiences detailing the psychological scars of the abuse she endured. Her truth begins with a seemingly innocent workplace friendship that rapidly devolves into a nightmare of control and manipulation. Despite the absence of physical bruises, the mental and emotional wounds run deep.

Through sheer resilience and the support of unexpected allies, Jennifer found the courage to escape and rebuild her life. She shares her transformative journey from victim to survivor, offering practical advice and critical resources for others facing similar challenges. Her narrative is interwoven with educational insights and reflections on the long-lasting impact of abuse.

Join Jennifer as she marks the eleventh anniversary of her escape and continues her path from pain to purpose. Whether you read it cover to cover or dip into specific sections, this book promises to inspire, educate, and empower.

Jennifer Gilmour is an award-winning author, blogger and advocate for women escaping abuse.

Buy now

Over a decade has passed since I fled the abuse I endured in my own home with the person who said they loved me.

Since then I have made it my mission to raise awareness of coercive control. Together we can work to eradicate this insidious and often unnoticed behaviour which is prevalent in an unacceptable number of relationships.

Let’s break the silence surrounding domestic abuse and support survivors on their path to healing. 

Together we are Louder!

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The post Publication Day: Turning Trauma Into Triumph appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.

I’m so excited to be sharing with you a project I have been working on this year, Turning Trauma Into Triumph. 

Over a decade has passed since I fled the abuse I endured in my own home with the person who said they loved me. I’m marking it with something different but familiar with a collection of raw and inspiring articles and blog posts. 

It is due to be released in October 2024 and you can get your hands on a copy first PLUS be named in the book’s acknowledgments.

Back now

Become a backer of mine on Kickstarter and recieve your choice of rewards including your name in the acknowledgments to show my gratitude.

Backing the Kickstarter starts from just £1, every little helps.

What’s the book all about? I hear you ask…

Blurb

“Turning Trauma into Triumph” is a raw and inspirational collection of articles and blog posts written by Jennifer Gilmour, chronicling her journey from the depths of domestic abuse to the heights of recovery and empowerment.

Jennifer recounts her harrowing experiences detailing the psychological scars of the abuse she endured. Her truth begins with a seemingly innocent workplace friendship that rapidly devolves into a nightmare of control and manipulation. Despite the absence of physical bruises, the mental and emotional wounds run deep.

Through sheer resilience and the support of unexpected allies, Jennifer found the courage to escape and rebuild her life. She shares her transformative journey from victim to survivor, offering practical advice and critical resources for others facing similar challenges. Her narrative is interwoven with educational insights and reflections on the long-lasting impact of abuse.

Join Jennifer as she marks the eleventh anniversary of her escape and continues her path from pain to purpose. Whether you read it cover to cover or dip into specific sections, this book promises to inspire, educate, and empower.

Jennifer Gilmour is an award-winning author, blogger and advocate for women escaping abuse.

Closes in:

Day(s)

:

Hour(s)

:

Minute(s)

:

Second(s)

All or nothing!

This project will only be funded if it reaches its goal by Thu, September 26 2024 8:51 AM BST. 

The countdown has started.

Rewards

There are five reward packages to choose from receiving a signed first edition to the full advocate package.

Check out the rewards

I’m really excited about this project and I believe this is book is going to be one of my most proudest achievements. Keep checking in to see what % funded it is and how much time is left. Thank you for taking the time to learn about my latest Kickstarter Campaign. 

 

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The post Turning Trauma Into Triumph Kickstarter Campaign appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.

Customer service is paramount nowadays and if you’re not paying attention to it as a business, then you’re likely to find a lack of commitment and loyalty from customers who’ve bought from you previously.

Improving your customer service experience is important and there are plenty of ways in which you’re able to do it effectively. With that being said, here are some helpful tips to improve your customer service experience this year. I’m 

Admit previous mistakes made

There are always going to be mistakes that have been made as a business and when it comes to customer service, you will have likely had issues with impressing your customers and keeping them loyal to your business. If they’ve walked away to another business, then it’s good to acknowledge what mistakes were made or what wasn’t done and then to move on.

Mistakes happen but it’s how you recover from them that really counts. As a business, if you sat in your mistakes for too long, then you’re in the past and therefore not making progress for the future.

Understand your customers and collect feedback

Customer feedback is important to have and there’s always something to be learnt from those who are willing to share their thoughts with you. Some will be all too eager to let you know all of the faults with your business but often enough, there are a lot of helpful critiques that are worth taking on board.

No business is perfect that’s for sure, so collecting feedback is good for understanding your customers, their wants, and what you’re currently not providing.

Ensure the payment process is easy

Payment processing is an important part of any business, particularly online. When you’ve got customers ready to check out, you’ll want to ensure that this part of the customer experience is smooth, and seamless and encounters no problems on the customer’s end. 

There’s nothing worse than having problems checking out, especially when there are timeouts and extra fees added to the shipping and delivery that weren’t mentioned prior.

For some businesses, you might need to get a high risk merchant account to ensure the payment process is as simplified and effective as possible.

Personalize the experience

As a customer, there’s nothing better than having an experience that’s unique from other businesses they’ve bought from. You can easily personalize a user’s experience, especially when you’ve got their basic information like first name.

Making use of customer behavior as they navigate the site in real time is good for influencing what they see and what they’re offered when shopping online. Personalizing their experience might result in upsells and more incentives to come back.

Reward Loyalty

Rewarding loyalty is something that can be great to improve customer service experience. Those that are coming back again and again are your core customers. They’re the ones who will be there even when the chips are down. This is the type of loyalty that you want to reward and hopefully continue going forward.

Improving your customer service experience is one that you should maximize in whatever way possible. These tips will help improve that experience in the long run.

The post How To Improve Your Customer Service Experience appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.

I’ve been reflecting on my past relationships over the last couple of weeks and alongside journalling I wrote this small piece, I feel it may expand in time but it could just freeze in time and stay as it is. 

I could apply this to a few of my relationships in which there was an initial investment in me at the beginning and then things changed over time. The effort started to deplete and dates became non-existent. I used to feel unwanted, unloved and neglected. There are moments when I would become desperate to be noticed and I would crave that next bit of affection, I’d seek it out for validation because my self-worth was little. 

Now, I try to refuse to go down this path because I know it’s a lonely one. I know this is from my childhood trauma and it has projected into relationships in my adulthood.

I’m developing my self-worth and self-respect, I know what I bring to a relationship and I know what I deserve from someone in a relationship with me. The challenge is sticking to this and not giving into ‘love’, the love I seek is what’s inside of me that needs to be nurtured. 

Without further adieu, here’s the piece I’ve written: 

 

You Never Have Time

You never have time for my warm embrace
You never have a moment to make my heart race
You can’t spare a minute to notice I’m there
You can’t take a second to share that you care

I wait for the glance to show you my smile
I wait for the small touch to feel you for a little while
I think to myself that I will be in your thoughts
I think, think and overthink that I could be your next forethought

© Jennifer Gilmour 2024

 

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The post You Never Have Time appeared first on Jennifer Gilmour.