Kevin Sterling's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationships"

As an author who includes erotica in my novels, I’ve spent a lot of time developing an understanding of how men and women independently relate to sex, and I’m sure you’re aware that there are vast differences between the two.

Granted, we all know what it’s like to be in the heat of the moment, ripping each other’s clothes off with the desperate need to physically connect. But I'm really talking about what gets us to that point.

None of these phenomena are cut-and-dried, of course, since there’s a fair amount of crossover between the sexes, so I’m not suggesting that all of these characteristics are exclusively male. The point I’m trying to make is that women who want a little (or a lot of) attention in the bedroom can easily use these tidbits to their advantage. You’ll see what I mean.

1. Men are visual.

Have you ever wondered why men are so much more obsessed with porn than women? It’s because we’re programmed that way. Just the sight of a beautiful girl, not to mention various parts of her body, can fire up all sorts of physical sensations that tell us to ravage her at once and plant our seed. It’s a God-given primordial response intended to sustain our species. So the visual part of sex is huge for men (no pun intended). Just don’t blame us because it really wasn’t our idea, and we do our best to keep our innate reactions under control.

So, if a woman is looking for some physical attention, she’s not doing herself any favors by jumping under the covers in a full-length nightgown and flipping off the lights. Hell, I’ve been known to turn on my bedside lamp when things get busy in the middle of the night because, after all, I really want to see what’s going on. Instead, a woman should put on something sexy and revealing, or just come to bed naked and allow herself to be bathed in light.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re not a Victoria’s Secret model, so you’re body isn’t perfect, and you’re a little shy about flaunting it like a stripper. But, you want to know something? We men really don’t care. You can be seductive as hell any time you want, and when it comes to sex, we are all about conquering our women and playing with their goodies. You’ve got everything we want, baby, so bring it on.

2. Men love being teased.

This phenomenon plays right into the primordial response we discussed earlier. In essence, teasing a man is like firing up his primitive urges to the point where he can’t control himself any longer. Women instinctively know this and do their part in the procreation process by making themselves as desirable as possible. We learned in Psychology 101 that the innate need to be sought after is the foundation underlying women’s obsession with their own beauty, what they wear, etc. So go ahead and take that to the next level.

My suggestion here is to throw something different at your man that you may never have done before like putting a pair of panties spritzed with your perfume in his briefcase so he’ll discover them at the office (I can flat out guarantee he will smell them). Leave suggestive notes where he’ll find them. Show up wearing nothing but a coat, flash your body, and walk off. Expose a breast to him somewhere dangerous when no one else is looking. Whisper in his ear and tell him what you’re going to do to him when you get home. Reveal to him that you’re not wearing panties just before you get off the phone. Tell him your skin is dry, hand him a bottle of body butter, strip naked, and tell him you need it rubbed absolutely everywhere…pretty please.

You get the idea.

3. Men really do like your high heels.

High heels do more than just make a woman’s legs look fantastic. They’re a sexual feast for the eyes.

I really have no explanation for this other than the preponderance of naughty videos where women leave their heels on, thereby programming men in a quasi-Pavlovian fashion to associate high heels with sex. But the point is, you can drive a man crazy by showing up in the bedroom (or wherever) wearing nothing but a pair of high-heeled strappy sandals or sleek leather boots. Be sure to leave them on during “the act”, but be careful not to rip up your bed linens.

Hey, it’s a risk you’ll have to take. If you can’t stand it, temporarily switch out the 1,000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets for a cheap set from Wal-Mart.

4. Men want to be revered.

You may have noticed by now that this blog article is founded on the premise that sex is a primeval act and therefore highly influenced by things that trigger those instincts. If you did, then congrats. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

So let’s go back to the cave man days when men were the instinctual protectors of their female mates. It was our role back then to be the strong leader of our family, and we still cling to that mentality as best we can today with a mind on integrating it into our modern culture.

Therefore, criticizing a man, particularly in a way that impugns his masculinity, will shut down his sex drive. Plain and simple. But building him up and implying how strong and manly he is will do exactly the opposite, thereby encouraging your virile cave man to be up in your business in no time. Whatever he’s doing wrong at the moment, and I’m sure there’s plenty, can wait until tomorrow, right?

So go ahead and coo about how wonderful he is. He just better do the same for you because, after all, you deserve it.

5. Men are simple creatures.

One of the classic premises of rom-coms is the fact that women over-complicate relationships, and men are just along for the ride. Oh, how true it is.

When a guy says something, he probably means just that, and layers of feelings and hidden messages aren’t lingering behind it. So, it stands to reason that keeping sex simple with your man is a good idea. He’s not thinking about all the issues that need to be worked out before he’s ready to touch you again. He’d rather just tear your clothes off, have his way with you, and worry about all that crap later. In fact, tomorrow would be good. Or next weekend.

Besides, you have physical needs, and there’s nothing wrong with having them satisfied. So just forget about anything and everything that might be going on, tell him you need him to rock your world right this minute, and get naked.

You noticed how that last bit was a common theme? Good. You’re catching on, darling.

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, you know I talk a lot about sex. It’s a fun subject, to be sure, and something we men think about frequently, although Psychology Today has disproven the old theory that we think about it every 8 seconds. Hmm. I guess that means it’s every 10 seconds, huh?

Nevertheless, kissing is a pretty darn awesome part of the experience, and sometimes it can be even more intimate than the whole enchilada. All of our feelings and emotions are concentrated through the dance between our lips and tongues, meaning it can be a very powerful experience.

So I’d like to look at a few ways to get more of those, please.

1. Fresh Breath

This may seem absurdly obvious, but of all the things that can shut down a glorious make-out session, not to mention what else it might lead to, bad breath takes the pole position. That’s why morning sex often excludes kissing, lest the bad breath put on the brakes, and I think that’s a shame.

I know it might break the heat of passion, but perhaps someone can make a quick detour to the bathroom to brush his or her teeth and bring that minty freshness back to the bedroom. Sex without kissing seems like a prime Filet Mignon without a glass of Cabernet. But I digress.

Guys frequently wake up aroused, which everyone knows, but it may come as a surprise that men often make devious plans for how they’re going to convince their girl to participate in an early morning romp. So, my fraternal brothers, I suggest you make a beeline for the toothbrush while she’s still sleeping and you’re in the process of developing your strategy. Then slip back under the covers and let the wake-up kissing begin.

2. Lingering Glances

How many times have you watched a romantic movie and felt that the two main characters didn’t have any chemistry? It happens a lot, doesn’t it? Well, from what I’ve observed time and time again, it’s the director’s fault. He or she failed to implement the most powerful visual element to make the mutual yearning believable.

It’s not so much what two characters say, but how they act toward each other that makes their romance convincing. And there’s nothing more powerful than those extended looks of wanting as they gaze into each other’s eyes. Next time you watch a movie where the relationship between the hero and heroine takes your breath away, notice how they exchange romantic, lingering glances. It’s an essential visual tool in movies that great directors use proficiently.

The same effect can be achieved between two real people, but this time the passion is authentic. So, if you’re a guy looking for some kisses, try staring into your girl’s eyes for a little while as you think about how much you want her. Most likely she’ll end up wrinkling her brow and saying a single word: “What?”

Your response: “I’m just thinking about how much I want to kiss you.”

If she doesn’t absolutely adore you for that and melt in your arms, eagerly awaiting your lips, you’re probably in trouble for something and better fix it before you have to graduate to more persuasive tools like flowers or diamonds.

3. Appreciate Your Mate

I know what you’re thinking. This guy isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know. But let me ask you something. How often do you actually think about these concepts and put them into action?

Uh-huh. Thought so. Which means you need a refresher course. And here it is!

My third point is that people love being valued and appreciated and told how wonderful they are. Especially the fairer sex. But our lives and relationships are so complicated that we often forget to make it known. Still, no matter how true these sentiments may be, they are of no value to your mate if you don’t share them. And guess what? Kisses are a perfect way to say thank you, so it’s a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

Wrap your arms around your girl’s waist, look her in the eyes, and tell her how much you appreciate her for letting you watch Monday Night Football. Then kiss her.

Splendid.

4. Extra Effort

Just as we humans like being appreciated, we also enjoy being the recipients of extra thoughtfulness, kindness and pampering. So I’ve found that doing something wonderful and unexpected for my girl often results in appreciative kisses. So I’m often motivated to do such things every day.

The challenge, however, is keeping it fresh. Otherwise you’ll succumb to the old adage: “When you do something for someone else, you don’t obligate them. You obligate yourself.”

What does that mean? Well, if you start bringing your girl coffee in bed every morning for the next two weeks, and one day you decide to stop doing it under the assumption you’ve successfully convinced her how wonderful you are, how do you think she’s going to react? Not good, right? She’ll think something went wrong, and maybe (egad!) you don’t love her anymore. So instead, you better bring her coffee in bed forever. But really, you’re making coffee anyway, so how much trouble is that?

Nevertheless, perhaps it makes sense to do something different and spontaneous each day. Just get creative. If you do, she will brag to everyone about how wonderful you are. Oh, and you’ll probably get rewarded with kisses. That’s part of your motivation here, after all.

5. Glistening Lips

This particular point is really more for women than men, which is only fair since this article has been pretty much guy-driven so far. Yes, there’s a lot of crossover, but it’s the guys who really need the refresher course, don’t they? You girls have most of this stuff figured out already.

Nevertheless, here is an important and useful fact: Men, like fish, are attracted to shiny objects. As I have noted in numerous past articles, men are visually oriented, and this is a prime example of that. Consequently, a pair of shiny lips are just, well, delicious to us. So we really do appreciate all the effort women go through to select and apply lipstick, lip gloss or whatever else you employ to make your lips glisten in the moonlight.

Men also like it when women lick their lips, as if they’re preparing to be kissed. In fact, we have an almost Pavlovian response when we see your tongue skate across your lips, so we’ll probably kiss you tout de suite without even thinking about it. Instant gratification is such a lovely thing, isn’t it?

Seriously. Give it a try. Walk up to your guy, look in his eyes, and lick your lips. Then tell me in the comments below if it worked. My money is on that sexy goddess within you.

Cheers, darling. And happy kissing.

You know something? I’ve been filled with love this week. So much so that I knew I had to write about it, despite whether it’s a manly subject or not. So, my friends, here we go.

For those who have never read my books or blog and aren’t aware of my undying adoration and respect for the fairer sex, it wouldn’t surprise me if a cursory check of my Facebook Page or my Jack Lazar Website gives you the impression I’m a sex fiend.

Okay, I get that. And it’s all right, not only because people are entitled to their own opinion, but because I’m actually quite fond of sex, thank you very much.

Still, the truth is that I’m brimming with love and romance when I write my female characters, and I truly become sad when I finish a book and have to part ways with them. Or, to be more accurate, when JACK parts ways with them. But in many respects, it’s the same thing. These characters all have personalities of their own, they often do things I never expect, and I adore all of them.

So, in reality, I’m a sappy, hopeless romantic. I’m all about kissing, cuddling, nonstop verbal foreplay, and holding hands. I often shed tears at movies and do my best to hide them in covert ways, but my girl always knows what I’m up to. Then again, she’s usually crying more than I am, so THERE.

But, let’s move on to the subject at hand: LOVE.

I rather like M. Scott Peck’s definitions of the various types of love in his book The Road Less Traveled . I agree that authentic love is not a “feeling”, and to truly love someone, you are devoted to their happiness, fulfillment and growth, spiritually and otherwise. Yet, despite Peck’s assertion that romantic love is not love at all, this article will focus on just that. Why? Because it’s fun and sexy. And it’s my article, after all.

Nevertheless, part of what makes romantic love really pop is both partners’ enthusiastic desire to take care of each other, foster growth, do sweet and unexpected things, and exercise self-denial from time to time in recognition of the other’s greater or more important needs and desires. I often say that people get out of a relationship what they put into it, and a partner who does nothing but “take” will find himself getting less and less from his mate, and ultimately nothing at all.

Indeed, true love is all about giving in every facet of the relationship. There’s also nothing more satisfying than giving, sometimes to the point where it almost feels selfish. That even (or perhaps particularly) applies to the physical act of love, as nothing makes a loving person more giddy with pleasure than providing and experiencing their partner’s physical bliss. Then, if their love is authentically shared, the favor is likely to be enthusiastically returned.

As you’re reading this, it may occur to you that many of my blogs about relationships (no, not the ones about chipmunks) have a common theme, which is my desire to encourage couples to shower each other with kindness, appreciation, thoughtfulness, special attention, unexpected treats, loving touch, messages of desire, lots of kisses — I could go on forever.

The point is: I understand how relationships can take a turn in the wrong direction sometimes, with one negative thing leading to another in a domino effect. Eventually, it gets to the point where no one has the emotional desire to take a step in the RIGHT direction anymore. But all it takes is a grand, loving gesture from one person to turn things the other way followed by one sweet act after another to keep it going. Love may not seem that simple at times, but it often is.

I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t rather be snuggling and making love than sitting on opposite ends of the couch or finding reasons not to come home. Instead, couples should miss each other and be vocal about it. You did get married to spend your lives together, right? Even better, they should be exchanging messages about what they’re going to do to each other when they get home. My imagination runneth amuck with the possibilities.

Isn’t there a naughty little outfit you purchased for just such an occasion?

Thought so.

Ciao, and have fun.