Ilene S. Cohen's Blog

Relationships are at the core of what it means to be human. They help to define us, shape our personal experiences, and in many ways give meaning to our lives. Whomever they are with, fulfilling relationships can be the foundation for emotional stability and happiness in life. With that said, relationships are a double-edged sword. Even though they can bring immense joy, love, and growth, they can also lead to pain, hurt, and dissatisfaction. This especially happens when they don’t go as hoped.

So many questions come up when thinking about the complexity of relationships. Are they worth the risk of being hurt? Are they really that important? What makes them fulfilling? And why do we struggle with them? When thinking of these questions, one has to wonder about the building blocks of human connection and how our formative experiences shape our understanding of relationships.

Why Relationships Matter 

Human beings are naturally relational. From birth, we seek connection for comfort and survival. This drive is biologically in all of us, dating back to our earliest days when cooperation and community were essential for safety. Over time, these survival-based needs evolved into emotional interdependence. Relationships not only protect us but also give us joy and fulfillment.

The significance of relationships goes beyond just feeling good; they are integral to our mental and physical health. A notable 75-year longitudinal study by Harvard University revealed that the quality of our closest relationships is one of the strongest predictors of both happiness and health throughout life. The findings showed that participants who reported the most satisfaction in their relationships at age 50 were more likely to be healthy at age 80. Strong human connections have protective effects, not just emotionally, but also physically.

Our relationships impact our worldview, shape our personalities, and influence how we engage with life’s challenges. Relationships even serve as mirrors, reflecting parts of ourselves we may not fully understand until we engage with others. It is within the context of relationships that we learn about ourselves. Relationships are where we find clarity in who we are and who we want to become.

But what happens when the very relationships that are supposed to be our anchors in life only give us pain and disappointment? Then that is when we can decide to make fundamental changes, not to get rid of personal relationships, but to grow and change to make them better or to nourish ourselves with healthier connections. How do we change this? By understanding the influence of early relationships.

The Influence of Foundational Relationships 

Our foundational relationships, which are usually with our parents, establish patterns of interactions that we bring into adulthood. A baby who cries and receives soothing comfort from their caregiver learns to expect that their needs will be met. This consistency creates feelings of safety and trust. However, if a baby’s attempts at connection are met with indifference or unpredictability, they may grow to expect inconsistency or rejection from others as they grow older. Early experiences create expectations and perceptions that influence how we understand relationships, not only in childhood but throughout life. These expectations shape how we respond to the people we develop relationships with.

For example, think about your own childhood role within your family. Perhaps you were the “fixer” who tried to resolve arguments, the overachiever working to gain approval, or maybe the peacemaker calming volatile situations? These roles are not isolated behaviors; they were shaped in your childhood and lead to your relational patterns as an adult. If you were the “fixer,” you might find yourself repeatedly taking on others’ emotional burdens in a search for stability and connection, even when that sacrifice comes at the expense of your own autonomy.

The interactional patterns established in early relationships form the blueprint for how we engage with intimacy, friendship, and even professional connections. However, the past does not hold us hostage. With awareness and intention, these patterns can be understood, modified, and reshaped, allowing your relationships to feel more fulfilling instead of draining.

Yet, many people find themselves feeling “stuck” in relational patterns that seem impossible to change. This feeling often arises when we focus solely on what others are doing wrong. For instance, it might feel natural to point to a partner’s lack of communication or a friend’s unreliability as the leading cause of conflict. However, real change begins not by changing someone else’s behavior but by looking at our own behaviors that were shaped by our past.

Bowen’s family systems theory teaches that relationships have a profound impact on our internal state, often shaping how we feel about ourselves and how we respond to emotional challenges. Interestingly, our inner world (our thoughts, emotions, and self-concept) is more influenced by our relationships than the reverse. What does this mean? To improve a relationship, we must focus on changing how we show up within it.

When one person in a relationship makes even a small, sustainable change to their interactions, the relational pattern shifts. Imagine a dance; if one person changes their steps, the other must either adapt or stumble. Relationships cannot remain static when one participant changes their role. Sustained changes to how we communicate, react, or set boundaries can transform even the most challenging relationships.

So, are relationships worth it? Even though they are hard, relationships are worth it because they encourage personal growth. They allow us to develop how we think, feel, and behave in ways no other experience can. We grow into ourselves through relationships, not despite them.

Clients in therapy often express doubts about whether troubled relationships can improve. “Nothing will change,” they say, frustrated with years of repeating the same fight or pattern. But even “stuck” relationships are not stagnant. When one person makes deliberate shifts in behavior—whether communicating differently, setting healthier boundaries, or stepping out of an unhealthy role—the ripple effects of those changes often lead to new patterns of interaction.

Even when relationships feel difficult or stuck, change is possible. With intentional effort and self-awareness, you can improve your relationships—not by changing others, but by redefining how you show up within them. And in doing so, you’ll discover one of life’s most profound truths: that relationships, while complex, are among our most significant sources of growth and fulfillment.

As a therapist and mother, I’ve contemplated what it means to raise children who are not only prepared for the world but also capable of succeeding in it. Not only in whatever they choose as a career, but also in the kind of people they will become. And something I have learned is that teaching our kids to have a strong sense of self is one of the greatest gifts we can give them for life. It will help them in their careers, relationships, and in life in general.

As we grow, we get messages of what is expected of us from societal norms, trends, and peer pressure. Having a clear sense of who we are, meaning we have our own thoughts, values, and ideas apart from what is expected of us, is a superpower. And I am not talking about rebellion here. It’s not just about standing out or being different for the sake of it. Rebellion is just doing the opposite of what is expected of us. Having a strong sense of self allows our values and principles to guide us apart from what is expected of us from society, family, or peer pressure. When we teach our children to have a strong sense of self, it’s about being grounded in who we are so that we can lead our own lives and relationships with clarity and purpose.

When we’re clear about who we are, what we value, and our goals, we get to live the lives we want to live. When we aren’t swayed by the opinions of others or pulled into trends that aren’t good for us, the happier and freer we are.

Having a strong sense of self doesn’t just help us as individuals; it actually strengthens our connections and relationships with others. Knowing where we stand, we can engage in relationships with realness and confidence. We’re not trying to mold ourselves to fit into a box. We can then make our connections more genuine and our lives more fulfilling.

When we lack a sense of self, we’re more likely to let others take over our lives in ways that don’t align with our values. We become easily influenced, overly dependent on external validation, and vulnerable to peer pressure. When we aren’t a strong self, we absorb our environment more and critically evaluate our surroundings less. If this isn’t nurtured in childhood, it’s something many adults end up working on in therapy.

How to Help Your Kids Develop a Strong Sense of Self

I always tell parents that if we want our kids to have a strong sense of self, we have to start with ourselves. In Bowen Family Systems Theory, this is called differentiation of self, the ability to stay connected to others while maintaining your own thoughts, values, and emotions. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say, so working on our own self-awareness, living by our values and boundaries, the more of a self our children will develop.

Below are practical ways to support a strong sense of self in yourself and  children:

Work on Your Own Differentiation of Self

Kids are always watching us. If we’re constantly swayed by others’ opinions, overly reactive, or unclear about our own values, they’ll pick up on that. Show them what it looks like to have a clear sense of self by modeling it in your own life.

Guide, Don’t Dictate

Don’t jump in with advice or solutions; ask your kids questions that encourage them to think for themselves. For example, if they’re struggling with a decision, try asking, “What do you think would work best?” or “What’s most important to you in this situation?” If you ask questions, rather than giving advice, you start allowing them to develop their own critical thinking skills.

Encourage Self-Reflection

When your child accomplishes something, resist the urge to simply say, “Good job!”Ask questions like, “How do you think you did?” or “What part of that are you most proud of?” This helps them develop their own internal sense of accomplishment rather than relying on external praise. Even though giving praise isn’t bad, it’s useful for them to know and develop an internal sense of accomplishment.

Let Them Fail

Failure is a natural part of life. It can also be one of our greatest teachers. We don’t like seeing our children suffer, but when we step in to rescue our kids from every mistake, we take away their chance to learn resilience and problem-solving. Let them experience the ups and downs of life, and be there to support them without taking over. That might look like being empathetic towards their failure and then working on encouraging them to try again in a new way.

Teach Boundaries

Boundaries are a way to show that you have a strong sense of self. Model to your kids what healthy boundaries look like by setting your own and respecting theirs. For example, if they need space to process their emotions, allow them alone time. If we don’t respect their boundaries, the message they will receive is that their voice doesn’t matter.

Ask About Their Thoughts and Experiences

Make it a routine to ask your children what they think about the world around them. Whether it’s a book they read, a trend, or a situation at school, encourage them to critically evaluate what they’re hearing and form their own opinions.

Why This Matters

When kids develop a strong sense of self, they’re better equipped to get through the challenges of life. They’re less likely to be peer-pressured into harmful behaviors, more likely to critically evaluate information, and less likely to trust people who don’t have their best interests in mind.

They’ll also be more resilient in life’s hard times because they’ll have a clear sense of who they are and what they stand for. And perhaps most importantly, they’ll be able to form deeper, more authentic connections with others because they’re not trying to be someone they’re not.

Raising kids with a strong sense of self isn’t about making them independent to the point that they don’t need anyone and don’t allow for the influence of others. It’s about helping them become grounded, confident individuals who can engage with the world from a more authentic self.

As parents, we want to protect our kids from any harm or hurt, but we know we can’t do that. However, we can give them the tools to think critically, stand firm in their values, and lead their own lives with purpose. And in doing so, we’re not just raising kids—we’re raising leaders.

Imagine this—you’re stuck in a relationship where things feel “fine.” Not great, not soul-sucking, just… fine. Sure, there are moments when you wonder if your partner even hears a word you’re saying. Or that little gut-check you ignore when they brush off your concerns. But hey, at least they’re not cheating, right? And they’re a good parent, so who are you to nitpick? You shove your unease into a closet labeled “positivity,” focus on the good stuff, and carry on.

Here’s the thing, though. Positivity is a powerful tool—gratitude is like spinach for your emotional muscles. But when you lean on positivity to avoid confronting reality, you’re basically using it as bubble wrap for your problems. Sure, you’re keeping things intact, but nothing’s actually getting fixed.

Why does this happen? Why do we cling to “look on the bright side” like it’s a security blanket? Well, it’s not because we’re clueless. It’s because we’re human. And humans, by nature, kind of suck at facing difficult emotions.
Why Positivity Feels Safer (But Isn’t Always Your Friend)

Here’s a crash course in why positivity can turn into a coping mechanism faster than you can say, “It’s fine, really.”

1. Your Family Taught You This

If you grew up in a household where criticism flowed like wine at a wedding, you might’ve swung to the opposite extreme. Negativity got old fast, so you decided you’d be the beacon of relentless sunshine. “I’ll be the positive one,” you thought. “The glass-half-full person.”
Conversely, maybe you were raised in a family where gratitude was cranked up to 11. “Be thankful for what you have,” they said. And sure, gratitude is great, but when it’s weaponized, it can guilt you into dismissing what’s actually not okay.

2. It’s Easier Than Feeling Stuff

Who wants to sit with anger, sadness, or frustration? Not most people. It’s simpler (less emotionally taxing) to slap a Band-Aid of positivity over discomfort than to dig through the muck of what’s really going on. But here’s the rub—those emotions don’t just pack up and leave. They morph into resentment, anxiety, or stress that pops up like an obnoxious game of whack-a-mole.

What Happens When You Use Positivity to Ignore Reality

Spoiler alert: nothing good.

1. Problems Only Get Bigger

Ignoring problems is like ignoring a slow leak in your tire. Sure, you can keep driving for a while, but eventually, you’re going to find yourself on the side of the road with a flat. When you dodge hard conversations or sweep issues under the rug, they don’t stay neatly tucked away. They grow.

2. Emotional Disconnect

Remember that relationship earlier? The one where everything’s “fine”? Well, if you’re suppressing your true feelings to keep things positive, guess what—you’re not fully present. Not with yourself and not with anyone else. Meaningful relationships require honesty—yes, even the uncomfortable kind.

3. No Growth Zone

Growth happens in discomfort. It’s not fun, and it’s not cute, but struggles sharpen you in a way comfort never will. Avoid challenges, and you’re denying yourself a chance to level up emotionally.

How to Balance Positivity with Facing Reality

I’m not saying gratitude is bad—I love gratitude. But there’s a difference between being grateful and straight-up ignoring reality. The key is finding balance. Here’s how:

1. Check Your Emotional Habits

Do a quick self-audit. Are there moments when you default to “everything’s fine” to avoid a messy conversation or an uncomfortable feeling? For example, you might dismiss a valid frustration with “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” or steer clear of a partner’s stonewalling because you’d rather not rock the boat. Paying attention to these patterns is step one.

2. Call Your Feelings What They Are

Ever notice that naming a feeling makes it feel less nebulous? Instead of slapping a smile over your pain, try saying, “I feel angry that my boss keeps ignoring my ideas,” or “I feel hurt when my partner dismisses me.” No drama, no theatrics—just truth. When you name your emotions, they lose some of their intensity.

3. Be Honest with Yourself

Next time you catch yourself leaning too heavily into positivity, pause. Ask yourself:

• Am I avoiding something right now?
• What’s the actual reality of this situation?
• If my best friend were in my shoes, what would I tell them to do?

Answer honestly. The goal isn’t to shame yourself—it’s to better understand what’s going on beneath the surface.

4. Practice “Both/And” Thinking

Life isn’t black and white. It’s messy, complicated, and usually muddled in the middle. Instead of forcing yourself into “all good” or “all bad,” try holding two truths at once. Like:

• “I’m grateful for my partner’s support and I feel dismissed when I share my concerns.”
• “I appreciate this job and I’m burned out because I have zero work-life balance.”

Both things can be true. No need to force yourself to choose.

5. Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Here’s the thing about discomfort—it sucks. But you can handle it. Avoiding it just delays the inevitable, whereas leaning into it gets you closer to clarity and resolution. Think of it as emotional weightlifting.

6. Ask for Help When You Need It

You don’t have to go it alone. Talk to a therapist, a coach, or a friend who won’t sugarcoat things. Sometimes, an outside perspective is exactly what you need to see where you’ve been playing hide-and-seek with reality.

A Quick Reality Check

Let me give you an example. Take Sarah. She’s married, has two kids, and constantly tells herself, “At least we’re not fighting like other couples,” or “He’s such a great dad—why complain?” But deep down? She feels lonely. She knows her husband doesn’t listen when she talks about her needs, but she avoids saying anything because, well… conflict sucks.
Fast forward a year. That once tiny feeling of loneliness is now a full-grown resentment monster. Sarah’s pulling back emotionally, and her marriage doesn’t just feel “fine” anymore—it feels exhausting.

What Sarah actually needed wasn’t more positivity—it was honest communication. She needed to name her loneliness, practice both/and thinking (“He’s a great dad, and I need to feel heard”), and have the tough conversation she’d been dodging.

Positivity isn’t bad. But when it becomes the MVP of your emotional toolkit and you lean on it to ignore reality? That’s where the trouble starts. Use gratitude and optimism to fuel you, not shield you from the work that needs doing.
Because life isn’t about pretending everything’s great—it’s about making things better, one uncomfortable truth at a time. And the best part? When you stop avoiding and start dealing, you’ll find a balance that makes your relationships, your goals, and ultimately, your life feel a heck of a lot more fulfilling.
Now, go out there and reclaim your reality. You’ve got this.

 

Meet Emma: The Gold Medalist in Emotional Gymnastics

Picture this: Emma, a well-meaning yet slightly frazzled marketing manager, is attending another family dinner. The kind of dinner where mashed potatoes and awkward silences are served in equal portions.

Her uncle, armed with the latest political opinion, launches into a monologue. It’s passionate, it’s divisive, and it’s just loud enough for the neighbors to hear. What follows is the conversational equivalent of a wildfire. Emma’s dad looks tired, her cousin looks ready to argue, and her mom shoots her that unspoken “Do something!” glare.

Emma takes a deep breath, activates her superpower (keeping the peace), and chimes in with, “I think we all have good points here.” She even cracks a half-hearted joke to diffuse the tension. Everyone sort of nods. Disaster averted, right?

Except later that night, as Emma stares at her ceiling, she feels gross. Like she sold a tiny part of her soul just to keep Aunt Margaret happy. Again.

Why does she keep doing this? Why is she always the family referee, stepping in to smooth things over while her own voice gets drowned out?

Yeah, it’s a classic case of people-pleasing. But in today’s “pick a side or get out” world, people-pleasing isn’t just a bad habit. It’s an emotional black hole.

  Why You (and Emma) Keep Falling Into the People-Pleasing Trap

Here’s the thing nobody tells you about people-pleasing: It starts with good intentions. It’s your brain’s way of saying, “Hey, if everyone’s happy, maybe we can avoid being fed to metaphorical lions.” Welcome to Emotional Survival 101.

However, what begins as a noble attempt to maintain peace can backfire. Instead of being the harmonious hero, you slowly morph into the human version of a doormat. And in a world where political memes start fights, and everyone has a hot take on everything, the stakes feel even higher.

From a family systems therapy perspective, this all boils down to anxiety. Emma’s need to make sure everyone’s okay? It’s not just a quirky personality trait. It’s actually a response to the tension in her family dynamics. When you grow up in an environment where conflict feels like the end of the world, you learn one thing fast: keep everyone calm, no matter what it costs you.

And that’s where society swoops in, turning the volume up to 11. These days, disagreeing can feel like a full-blown catastrophe. Social media piles on, your group chat explodes, and suddenly, acting like Switzerland is your only move.

But here’s the kicker. People-pleasers aren’t just avoiding conflict with others. They’re avoiding conflict with themselves. That voice saying, “This isn’t who you are”? Yeah, it gets shoved into a tiny box labeled “Too Complicated.”

  Stop Pleasing. Start Living.

If you’ve nodded until your neck hurts while reading this, don’t worry. You’re not doomed to a life of smiling and suppressing. Learning how to balance maintaining peace and preserving your sanity is entirely possible. It takes some guts, a little practice, and probably some awkward conversations.

Here’s how you start.

Learn to Sit with the Discomfort

 Here’s an uncomfortable truth for you: It’s going to feel super weird to stop people-pleasing. Why? Because your brain is wired to avoid conflict like it’s a buffet of expired sushi.

But discomfort isn’t the villain here. It’s a signal that you’re doing something new. The next time you feel like nodding along to something you don’t believe in, just pause. Seriously, stop. Take a breath and ask, “What do I actually think here?” You don’t have to blurt it out immediately but start practicing that pause. It’s magic.

Redefine Rejection

Here’s a secret that people often forget (or ignore): You can disagree with someone and still like them. Wild, right? But when you’re used to bending over backward for approval, every little conflict feels like an attack on your worth.

Start small. Test the waters. Share an opinion, even if it’s something minor like your taste in movies or your favorite weird pizza toppings. Dip your toes into the world of disagreement. I promise the world won’t end.

Make Boundaries Your Best Friend

 Setting boundaries feels awkward at first because it’s not about keeping people out; it’s about maintaining your sanity. Want an example?

Emma’s boundary might look like saying, “Hey, I love that we’re all so passionate, but I don’t want to play referee during family dinners anymore.” Is it uncomfortable? Sure. But it’s clear, honest, and way better than silently seething during dessert.

Get Comfortable Calling Yourself Out

 When you catch yourself slipping into the same old people-pleasing routine, call it out. Not to shame yourself but to notice the habit. “Oh, there I go again, agreeing to something I don’t actually believe in just to avoid awkwardness.”

The more you notice it, the easier it’ll be to break the cycle. Progress over perfection, every time.

  Remember the Long Game

 Here’s a question worth asking yourself: What kind of relationships do you want five years from now? Ones where people value you for who you really are? Or ones where they value you for nodding and keeping quiet?

Keeping the long-term goal in mind will make those short-term “No thanks” moments feel a lot more doable.

Here’s the Deal

Being a people-pleaser in a polarized society is like trying to juggle water balloons during an earthquake. It’s exhausting and messy, and someone always gets upset.

But here’s the good news: You don’t have to keep doing it. You don’t have to walk around gluing yourself to everyone else’s expectations. Learn to sit with discomfort. Set those boundaries. And for the love of all things, stop sacrificing yourself just to keep the peace.

Because the truth is, peacekeeping might calm the storm temporarily—but authenticity? That’s what really builds trust and connection long-term. And when you start valuing connection over approval, life gets a whole lot better.

Imagine you’re in line at your favorite coffee shop, craving that life-giving latte, and someone brazenly cuts in front of you. Annoying, right? Now, zoom out a little. Compare that irritation to something more sinister, like a serial killer plotting their next victim or a human trafficker exploiting others for profit. Suddenly, the coffee-line cutter doesn’t seem so bad anymore, does it? But here’s the twist—is that small act of selfishness just a minor hiccup in someone’s day, or could it be part of something bigger, a glimpse into the darker side of human behavior? Basically, it begs the question we all wrestle with at some point: does evil actually exist?
Now I know, the word “evil” might conjure up images of supervillains with ominous laughs or cartoonish characters twirling mustaches. But there’s this growing trend—call it optimism, call it denial, call it whatever you want—that argues evil isn’t real. That people only do bad things because of circumstance, misunderstanding, or ignorance. And while it’s nice to believe everyone’s inherently good and just needs a hug, history (and, well, life) tells us a different story.
Why Denying Evil is… Risky
What happens when we refuse to believe in evil? Well, honestly, not great things. When people insist there’s no such thing as malicious intent, we risk turning a blind eye to harmful behavior and dangerous systems. It’s like ignoring termite damage in your house because you just really want to believe termites are misunderstood, tiny architects.
Sure, not every bad action stems from evil intent. Some people screw up out of fear, desperation, or ignorance. But some actions? They’re just plain cold, calculated, and rooted in the goal of harming, controlling, or exploiting others. Pretending that can’t happen doesn’t make it any less real.
A Brief History of Evil (And Why You Should Care)
To understand why ignoring or denying evil is dangerous, you only have to look back a few decades. Take World War II, for example. Adolf Hitler didn’t cause the atrocities of the Holocaust because he misunderstood people’s dietary habits or had a stressful childhood. He orchestrated mass genocide based on hate, control, and ideology. That’s not a fluke or a misunderstanding. That’s evil.
Fast forward to more recent history. Genocides in Rwanda, ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, or the ongoing struggles against human trafficking worldwide showcase that evil isn’t just a relic of the past. It’s shape-shifted, sure, but its essence remains.
Even on a smaller scale, ignoring bad intentions is risky. Think of con artists who deliberately ruin lives for a payday. Think of abusive relationships where one partner manipulates and gaslights the other, not accidentally, but intentionally. Pretending these are just “gray areas” is like walking into a tiger’s den and trying to reason your way out.
Is Everyone Evil? Of Course Not
Here’s the part where I reassure you not to lock your doors and refuse to trust humanity. Most people? They’re doing the best they can. They’re navigating life with a mix of good intentions, dumb mistakes, and occasional selfishness. And that’s normal. But here’s where it gets tricky.
If we go to the opposite extreme and assume nobody intentionally means harm, we set ourselves up for some serious trouble. It’s like removing all the safety measures from a roller coaster because you think, “Oh, the engineers wouldn’t actually want me to get hurt.” You wouldn’t do that, so why do it with life?
Why Some People Reject the Concept of Evil
To be fair, I get why people want to pretend evil doesn’t exist. The world can be overwhelming. Wars, crimes, corruption, corporations raking in record profits while their employees rely on food assistance to survive… It’s a lot to think about. Admitting that some of this stems from malice rather than incompetence is enough to make anyone want to crawl under a blanket.
Plus, labeling something “evil” makes it feel final, like there’s no redemption. It’s more comforting to believe bad people can change and that darkness can transform into light. And sure, it can. But that doesn’t erase the fact that, in certain cases, real harm is being done, deliberately.
How to Recognize (and Respond to) Evil Intent
First things first, you don’t need to become paranoid or assume everyone’s out to get you. But having a little healthy skepticism? That’s a life skill. Here’s how to strike the balance between naivety and full-blown cynicism.
Pay Attention to Patterns
Everyone has bad days, and sometimes good people act out of character. What distinguishes an off moment from real malice is consistency. Keep an eye on repeated harmful actions, especially ones that lack remorse or concern for others.
Trust Actions Over Words
Someone’s intentions are revealed more through their behavior than their promises. If someone keeps saying they’re sorry but never tries to make amends or change, you’re not dealing with a misunderstanding. You’re dealing with something intentional.
Don’t Rationalize Red Flags
Ever caught yourself saying, “Oh, they didn’t really mean it”? Or, “They’re going through a tough time”? We all want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but don’t blind yourself to harmful behavior just because it’s easier than facing the truth.
Learn from History
If history teaches us anything, it’s that ignoring warning signs is a bad idea. When people or systems start stripping away rights, spreading hate, or hoarding power at others’ expense, don’t wait around to see where it goes. Evil thrives in complacency.
Stay Grounded in Reality
Being realistic doesn’t mean being grim. Staying grounded means accepting that evil exists, but so does good. Believing in the capacity for both allows you to set boundaries, take action, and protect yourself from harm without losing hope entirely.
If we pretend evil doesn’t exist, we not only fail to stop it—we enable it. Turning a blind eye to bad intentions, harmful systems, or toxic people doesn’t make them go away. It just gives them room to grow.
Recognizing evil isn’t about pointing fingers or descending into pessimism. It’s about learning how to protect what’s good, what’s right, and what matters most. Sure, it’s uncomfortable to admit some people might actually, well, suck. But in doing so, you’re better equipped to deal with them and to focus on the people and causes that are genuinely worth your time.
Because at the end of the day, the world needs more people willing to stand up for what’s good—not just against that coffee line cutter, but against the real threats, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Love Someone Without Losing Who You Are

Here’s the thing about love that nobody really talks about. Somewhere along the way, many of us start believing that loving someone means slowly chipping away at who we are. You know the drill: more time, more energy, more sacrifice. Cue the whispers of an inner voice telling you, If you love them enough, you’ll give more…and more.

Before you know it, you’re not just giving a little extra; you’re giving yourself right out of the equation. But here’s the question we need to ask ourselves: Does love actually require losing who we are?

No, it doesn’t.

The healthiest relationships don’t thrive in the soil of self-abandonment. They grow when there’s room for both connection and individuality. And trust me, you don’t need to walk away from love to find that balance. You just need to start showing up as, well…you.

Here’s the tricky part about giving too much of yourself in a relationship. It doesn’t usually announce itself with a neon sign that says, WARNING: YOU’RE LOSING YOU. No, these patterns sneak in quietly, dressed up as compromises or little acts of care that don’t seem like a big deal at the time.

Skipping your favorite movie night because your partner can’t stand rom-coms? Sure, fine. Always eating at their favorite restaurant because they say yours “takes too long”? Okay, no problem. Saying “it’s not a big deal” so often that it basically becomes your personal mantra? Uh-oh.

Over time, those small sacrifices start to pile up, and one day you wake up feeling foggy, disconnected, and like you’ve been cast as an extra in your own life.

Now, this doesn’t come out of nowhere. A lot of us learned early on that staying small and agreeable made life easier. Maybe you picked up the idea as a kid that earning love meant shrinking yourself to fit into other people’s expectations. With enough repetition, these patterns start to look like “just how love works.” But over time, that version of love starts to feel less like warmth and more like…resentment.

When Love and Resentment Become Roommates

Look, I get it. People-pleasing can seem like the fast track to keeping the peace. But no one really warns us about what happens when we become a watered-down version of ourselves to make someone else comfortable.

Here’s what it looks like in the real world: One minute, you’re being sweetly accommodating about their preferences; the next, you’re seething with frustration over something as dumb as who left the cereal box open. Resentment isn’t just inconvenient. It’s like a slow-growing crack in the foundation of a relationship. And when you’re giving so much of yourself, that crack almost always leads right back to one sneaky culprit: self-sacrifice.

The “Both-And” Secret to Loving Without Losing Yourself

Here’s where most of us get tripped up. We think love has to be an “either-or” deal. Either you focus on yourself and risk looking selfish, or you ignore your needs and pour everything into the other person. But what if there was a third option?

Enter the “both-and” approach.

It’s simple but game-changing. You can love someone fully and still honor yourself. You can care deeply while refusing to abandon your own needs. And yes, you can make space for their happiness without kicking yours off the couch.

The secret is to start small. Check in with yourself just as much as you check in with them. Ask questions like, What would make ME happy right now? Am I voicing what matters to me? Beyond that, it’s about letting the people around you see the real, unedited you—not some carefully curated version designed to avoid rocking the boat. (Hint: That version is exhausting to maintain anyway).

Self-Differentiation, or Why Boundaries Are Sexy

Here’s a fancy-sounding term for what we’re really talking about here: self-differentiation. Think of it as the superpower that allows you to stay true to yourself while still being connected to others.

It’s about knowing your own values and goals and being able to stand firm in them—even when someone you love is standing on the other end of the spectrum. It’s not about pushing people away; it’s about staying grounded in who you are, even when emotions are high.

Real-life example? Self-differentiation might mean saying, “I see your point, but I still disagree,” instead of nodding along just to keep the peace. Or setting a boundary around your time without justifying it to anyone. Yes, it feels awkward at first, but here’s the kicker: the people who truly care about you will respect you even more for it.

Unlearning the “Love = Sacrifice” Lie

If you’ve been tying love to self-sacrifice for most of your life, rewriting that script isn’t going to happen overnight. It’s like trying to unlearn the dance you’ve been performing for decades.

But change doesn’t need to be big or dramatic. Start with the small stuff. The next time you feel that nagging voice telling you to over-apologize or say yes when you mean no, pause. Think about what you actually want.

And here’s the most important part to remember: Taking care of your needs doesn’t mean you stop loving other people. If anything, it makes you better at it. When you show up as a whole person—not just a hollow version designed to meet someone else’s needs—that’s when love really starts to flourish.

Love Without Losing You

Healthy relationships feel different. They leave room for you to breathe, stretch, and grow into your full self. They don’t demand you shrink or fit into someone else’s mold.

When you stop equating love with self-sacrifice, you discover that it’s not a subtraction game. Love doesn’t have to come at the expense of your identity. It can coexist beautifully, giving both people the space to thrive.

You don’t have to lose yourself to love someone. You just have to show up as you. And trust me, you’re worth showing up for.

We’ve all been there. You’re stuck in a job that feels like it’s slowly draining your soul, or maybe your relationship feels like it’s circling the drain. Or perhaps life just feels… off. The discomfort is real, but here’s the million-dollar question: is the problem the situation itself, or is it the way you’re looking at it?

Spoiler alert: figuring this out isn’t easy. But it’s also the difference between spinning your wheels in frustration and actually making progress. So let’s break it down.

When the Situation Is the Problem

Sometimes, life really does suck because the situation you’re in sucks. Toxic workplaces, unhealthy relationships, or living situations that make you feel like you’re starring in a survival reality show—these are all external problems. And no amount of positive thinking or “just be grateful” mantras are going to fix them.

Take a job, for example. Maybe it demands 60-hour weeks, offers zero support, and leaves you feeling like a cog in a very broken machine. Or maybe your partner dismisses your feelings so often that you’ve started to wonder if you’re invisible. Or worse, you’re in an abusive situation where every day feels like a battle just to keep your head above water.

These aren’t mindset issues. These are real, external problems that need real, external solutions. The fix? Assessment and action.

Toxic work environment? Start setting boundaries (if you can) or dust off that résumé.Unhealthy relationship? Time to reevaluate—or maybe call in a therapist to help you sort through the mess.Abusive situation? Your safety comes first. Find a way out, and don’t do it alone.

The bottom line: if the situation is the problem, no amount of “changing your perspective” is going to make it better. You need to change the situation.

When the Problem Is You (Yeah, I Said It)

Now, let’s talk about the other side of the coin. Sometimes, the problem isn’t the situation—it’s the way you’re interpreting it.

Here’s a dead giveaway: patterns. If you’ve switched jobs five times in three years and still end up clashing with your coworkers, it might not be the jobs. If every relationship you’ve been in feels like a rollercoaster of drama and disappointment, maybe it’s time to look inward.

For example, anxiety has a sneaky way of turning molehills into mountains. It primes you to see danger everywhere, even when it’s not there. That minor disagreement with your partner? Suddenly, it feels like rejection. That one piece of feedback from your boss? Proof that you’re terrible at your job.

And here’s the kicker: when you’re stuck in this mindset, you’ll keep jumping from one job, one relationship, or one city to the next, thinking the next thing will fix it. Spoiler: it won’t.

The Ripple Effect of Clarity

Here’s where things get interesting. Bowen family systems theory (fancy name, I know) has this concept called “differentiation of self.” Basically, it’s your ability to separate your emotions from your rational thoughts. And it’s a game-changer.

Someone with low differentiation? They’ll quit a job the second they feel stressed, mistaking temporary discomfort for a toxic environment. Someone with high differentiation? They’ll pause, assess, and figure out whether the stress is coming from the job itself or their own inner dialogue.

The takeaway? The more you can manage your emotions, the better you’ll be at figuring out whether the problem is external or internal.

So, What Can You Do About It?

Whether the issue is out there or in your head, there are steps you can take to get some clarity and stop spinning your wheels.

Spot the Patterns
Start paying attention to recurring themes. Are you always the one leaving jobs, ending friendships, or feeling dissatisfied? Journaling can help you connect the dots.Assess the Situation
If you think the problem might be external, get specific. What exactly is making you miserable? Is there clear evidence that your workplace, relationship, or environment is unhealthy? Talk it out with someone you trust—or better yet, a therapist.Learn to Self-Regulate
When anxiety takes the wheel, it’s easy to overreact to minor stressors. Mindfulness, deep breathing, or grounding techniques can help you slow down and keep your emotions in check.Balance Emotion and Logic
Before making any big decisions, ask yourself: am I acting on pure emotion, or have I thought this through? Bowen’s concept of differentiation is all about finding that sweet spot between feeling and thinking.Get Professional Help
Therapy isn’t just for when things are falling apart. A good therapist can help you figure out whether your discomfort is an internal struggle, an external problem, or a messy mix of both.

The Bottom Line

Here’s the deal: life is messy. Sometimes the problem is the world around you, and sometimes it’s the world inside you. Either way, the goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. It’s about learning to navigate life with a little more clarity, a little more balance, and a lot more self-awareness.

So the next time you’re feeling stuck, ask yourself: is this a situation I need to change, or a mindset I need to shift? The answer might surprise you. And either way, it’s an opportunity to grow.

Because at the end of the day, understanding yourself is the first step to understanding what you truly need. And that’s where the real magic happens.

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Unlocking self-worth and self-trust through the power of connection and curiosity.

Alright, let’s talk therapy. When you walk into a therapist’s office (or open your laptop for a virtual session), you’re not just there to rant about your week or unpack the emotional baggage you’ve been lugging around. No, it’s way deeper than that. You’re stepping into a space designed for more than just venting. It’s about reshaping one of the most vital relationships in your life—the one with yourself.

Sure, people show up to therapy for all kinds of reasons. Anxiety, tough life transitions, dealing with old wounds, improving their relationships… the list goes on. But therapy isn’t about “fixing” you, because spoiler alert, you’re not broken. Therapy is about learning to connect with your inner world in a way that gives you clarity, strength, and a sense of balance long after the session ends.

Exploring Curiosity Instead of Judgment

Here’s the thing about stepping into therapy: It can awaken that inner critic of yours. You know, that judgy voice that’s quick to tell you, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” or, “Wow, you’re such a wreck for thinking that.” But here’s the twist a good therapist offers you instead of joining that mental beatdown. They ask you to tap into curiosity.

Imagine this. You walk into a session feeling miserable because you snapped at a friend. Your first thought? “I’m the worst. I should be more patient.” (Cue shame-monster.) A skilled therapist won’t just pat you on the back and feed you canned reassurance. Nope, they’ll gently lean into your discomfort and ask, “Okay, what’s underneath that guilt? Could it be pointing to something deeper, like maybe fear or insecurity?”

Suddenly, you’re not stuck in shame-spirals but looking at the emotions driving your snap. Maybe you realize it connects to a time you felt ignored as a kid. That clarity may not make everything magically better, but it does help you step back and say, “Oh, so that’s why.” This shift—from blaming yourself to understanding yourself—is the kind of magic that builds self-compassion. And the cherry on top? It makes you way better at handling emotions in your relationships.

The Overthinker’s Trap

If you’re someone who fights emotions by outthinking them, you’re not alone. Ever catch yourself explaining a conflict in 37 bullet points instead of admitting you’re hurt? We all do this to some extent, turning feelings into logic puzzles. Guess what? Therapy has something to say about that, too.

Good therapy doesn’t sit you down and say, “Stop analyzing everything!” That would just add to the overthinking pile. Instead, it gently invites you to stop spinning your wheels for a second and actually feel what’s happening. The therapist might say, “Alright, hold up. What’s the emotion or hurt behind all that analysis? And where do you feel it in your body?”

Wait a second. Feel it? What a novel concept, right? But here’s the deal. When you stop running from those raw emotions and actually face them, you’re building something bigger than emotional intelligence. You’re building resilience. Over time, you’ll notice you don’t have to dissect situations within an inch of their lives. Instead, you can sit with your emotions, understand them, and move forward.

From Self-Abandonment to Real Connection

A lot of people show up to therapy hyper-focused on everyone else. “Why does my partner do this?” “How can I fix things with my mom?” These are valid questions, but therapy often flips the script. It redirects your attention to moments when you might’ve left yourself behind to appease others.

This shift isn’t comfortable. Nobody wants to think about all those times they ignored their own needs for the sake of keeping the peace. But once you start to notice these patterns, you create space to change them. You can actually honor your needs instead of focusing only on being liked, loved, or accepted. That’s what opens the door to healthier, more fulfilling relationships—with others and with yourself.

“What Should I Do?”

Every therapist has heard this question a hundred times. What should I do about this decision, this conflict, this feeling? It’s totally normal to crave a quick fix, but therapy isn’t Google maps for your life. A great therapist won’t hand you a “top 10 tips” list and send you on your way. They’ll encourage you, gently, to sit with the uncertainty. Why? Because there’s a ton of wisdom buried in your discomfort.

For example, take someone facing a tough career decision. They might walk in seeking advice, but the therapist will likely guide them through their internal maze instead. By paying attention to what feels exciting versus daunting, they might uncover values or fears they hadn’t quite named. Over time, they build self-trust. They learn to rely less on external opinions and more on their own internal compass. That’s empowerment, my friend.

Being Seen Changes Everything

Ever sit across from someone who’s 100% tuned into you? No distractions, no quick fixes, just present and attuned? If not, therapy might be the first place you experience it. And when someone sees you like that, it wakes up something in you.

For some, it’s deeply comforting. For others, having someone acknowledge their inner world can feel strange and even scary. But that attunement is critical. It trains your brain to feel worthy of attention and care. Over time, you start to offer yourself that same attunement in your own life.

The Healing Blueprint

The therapeutic relationship is profound because it’s a model for how you can relate to yourself. The curiosity, the emotional space, the attunement you experience with a therapist? That’s the same toolkit you can use to build a healthier, more connected relationship with your inner world.

Through this process, you strengthen your self-worth and self-trust. And those two things? They’re the foundation for a more authentic, fulfilling life. Therapy doesn’t just change how you think about yourself temporarily; it helps you see yourself in a whole new light. And that’s where real healing begins.

Do you catch yourself saying “yes” when every single cell in your body is screaming “no”? Do you feel like you’re slowly losing yourself to keep everyone else happy? Guess what? You’re not broken, you’re just wired this way. Welcome to the fascinating, sometimes infuriating world of people-pleasing. (You’ll want to grab a snack for this one.)

The Fawn Response, AKA The “Please Don’t Hate Me” Instinct

You’ve probably heard of the “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions, right? It’s the stuff of stress survival 101. But then there’s the lesser-known sibling in the family of “Oh Shit, Things Are Bad” responses: fawn. Fawning is what happens when your brain’s big idea for dealing with stress is to go full Mr. Rogers and smooth everything over. Put simply, you prioritize making other people happy in order to avoid conflict. It’s not bravery, it’s survival strategy with a smile.

This delightful little habit usually shows up in chaotic or high-stress environments. Picture a kid growing up in a house where even breakfast is a battlefield of emotions. That kid figures out pretty quickly that keeping the peace gets them less yelling and fewer slammed doors. They learn that being agreeable, helpful, or downright invisible keeps them safe. And here’s the kicker: the brain loves predictable outcomes. If something works, even once, it saves the tactic in a little stress-response folder labeled “use this forever.”

Fast-forward to adulthood, and these kids-turned-grownups are now nodding along to every asinine request at work, saying “sure thing!” to overbearing family members, and basically contorting themselves into human pretzels to avoid rocking the boat. Sound familiar?

Your Inner Caveman Loves Fawning

Here’s where it gets wild (and a little depressing): this behavior actually has evolutionary roots. Back in Ye Olde Caveman Days, survival wasn’t just about throwing spears or outrunning predators; it was about getting along with your tribe. Piss off the wrong cave bro, and suddenly you’re the one pushed to the edge of the fire pit… or the edge of a cliff.

Fawning, in this context, served a purpose. By appeasing stronger or more dominant group members, our ancestors avoided rocking the prehistoric peace treaty. Keeping harmony meant staying alive. But here’s the rub—we’re not dodging saber-tooth tigers anymore. You don’t need to emotionally babysit your coworkers so they don’t “exile” you from happy hour.

And yet, if your childhood was full of stress or unpredictable emotional chaos, the fawn response can feel as necessary as your morning coffee. What started as a practical survival instinct becomes your default setting, even when it’s no longer helpful, like trying to use smoke signals in a text-message world.

Blame Your Family (Well, Kind Of)

For a more modern twist, say hello to Bowen Family Systems Theory. Fancy name, but the gist is simple. According to this theory, your family dynamic plays a massive role in shaping who you are and how you cope with life’s messiness. If you grew up in a household buzzing with anxiety, chances are you became the “fixer,” the “peacemaker,” or the one who got everyone to just calm the hell down already.

Take Emily, for example. Her parents argued like it was their job. Every night felt like a live audition for an episode of Real Housewives. Little Emily figured out that saying, “It’s okay, Mom” or cleaning up quietly would get everyone to simmer down. Her tactic worked so well that her brain went, “Hey, we can totally use this for the rest of our life!” Fast-forward a couple decades, and Emily is now stuck picking up overtime shifts and saying “yes” to everything her boss demands—even when it’s draining the life out of her.

Here’s the thing about Emily (and maybe you): she’s not irrational. She’s not foolish. Her brain is just replaying what it learned as a survival skill. The problem? What worked then is now screwing her over on the daily.

Stop Being Everyone’s Emotional Doormat

The first step to breaking this exhausting cycle is simple but hard as hell: you have to get why you do it. Once you understand where all this people-pleasing comes from, you can start to reclaim your backbone.

Here’s the deal. That urge to say “yes” before someone even finishes asking for help? It’s not some uncontrollable demon inside you. It’s a patterned response. A habit. And habits can be unlearned. The next time someone asks you for more than you can reasonably give, hit pause. Literally, say something like, “Can I get back to you on that?” or “I need to think about it.”

Yeah, it’s weird the first time. It’s awkward as hell. And if you’ve been a lifelong people-pleaser, you’ll probably feel like you just kicked a puppy. But guess what? The world keeps spinning. And every time you set a boundary, it gets a tiny bit easier.

Rewriting those scripts takes time, but it’s worth it. When your friend asks you to help them move (AGAIN), try saying, “I can’t this weekend, but good luck!” When your boss dumps their work on your desk, hit ’em with, “I’ll need to check my bandwidth before I confirm.” These small wins eventually add up to a life where you no longer feel like everyone else’s personal emotional laundry service.

Reclaiming Your Sanity, One “No” at a Time

Here’s the cold, hard truth. You’re not doing anyone any favors by always saying “yes.” You’re not a better friend, partner, or employee when you’re running on fumes to keep the peace. When you start setting boundaries, you might shock people who are used to you being their go-to “yes” person. That’s okay. Shock ‘em. They’ll adjust.

Because the awkwardness of setting a boundary today is always, always better than the resentment of overextending yourself tomorrow.

Now go practice saying “no.” Start small, but start. You’ve spent enough time putting yourself last. Your inner caveman will survive, even if you skip a few rounds of people-pleasing. And hey, you might just find something way cooler on the other side of all that sacrifice. Like your actual self.

I have encountered many individuals who identify as people-pleasers throughout my therapy career. This tendency can manifest in diverse ways, yet the underlying process is strikingly similar. People-pleasing often arises to manage anxiety about others’ reactions or disapproval. It involves altering one’s inner world to align with what might soothe a situation. While this may not always be problematic, it becomes significant when constant self-alteration leads to a loss of self-identity and reliance on others to define who you are. This lack of self-regulation means your emotions control you, leaving you vulnerable to the manipulation of others.

One client eloquently illustrated this concept. She compared relying on others for emotional regulation to using a credit card without financial discipline. You depend on credit for financial stability and keep your spending habits the same, inevitably leading to debt. You pay the minimum, never actually paying off the principal, and feel more out of control over your finances. In this analogy, creditors capitalize on your financial mismanagement. Emotionally, this translates to feeling depleted and anxious, constantly trying to catch up until potential emotional bankruptcy looms.

This analogy applies directly to people-pleasing. When you strive to meet others’ expectations, you lose grip on your emotions, lacking self-regulation. Instead, your focus shifts to pleasing others, effectively living off an emotional credit line. This leaves you open to emotional manipulation by those who exploit this vulnerability. You wait for others to set boundaries because managing your emotions around disappointing others feels daunting. Eventually, this can lead to cutting off relationships or creating distance when the emotional toll becomes unbearable.

It might be a sign of people-pleasing and a lack of emotional control if you feel overwhelmed, resentful, or exhausted by your relationships. Just as we cannot delegate our financial management to creditors without consequence, we cannot relinquish our emotional well-being to others. This dependency ultimately undermines any sense of true freedom.

If these reflections resonate with you, it’s essential to acknowledge that change begins with self-awareness and a commitment to developing emotional self-regulation. Start by acknowledging your feelings and recognizing when you put others’ needs before yours. Journaling can be helpful; write down your feelings and the situations that evoke them to clarify your emotional triggers.

Gradual change is critical. Begin to set small boundaries in your relationships. For instance, practice saying no to minor requests that don’t align with your well-being or priorities. As you build confidence, you can extend these boundaries to more significant situations. Understand that it’s not selfish to prioritize your emotional health, doing so allows you to engage more authentically with others.

People-pleasers often give excessively, leading to exhaustion and resentment. It’s okay to take a step back and assess the give-and-take in your relationships. Building a healthy approach involves giving without losing yourself in the process. This balance creates more meaningful connections while ensuring your emotional reserves are protected. Learning to self-regulate and establish limits can create a path toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you find yourself in situations where specific individuals have manipulated your kindness or taken advantage of your generosity, it’s important to take proactive steps. First, recognize these patterns and validate your feelings; acknowledging that you’ve been mistreated is essential for reclaiming your emotional power. Next, assess the relationship dynamics: determine whether these individuals contribute positively to your life or if they consistently drain your energy.

Lean into relationships with those who appreciate your kindness without exploiting it; these supportive connections nourish your spirit. Additionally, practice assertiveness with those who overstep boundaries or disregard your limits. Communicate your feelings clearly and firmly, employing “I” statements to convey your thoughts. For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when you ask for my help repeatedly,” sets a clear tone while expressing your emotional state. Remember, being firm is not about being unkind; it’s about reinforcing your boundaries to create healthier interactions. Developing a solid sense of self and surrounding yourself with positive influences will help create a more balanced and respectful social environment.

Overall, it is imperative to understand that you can initiate change in your relationships. Those who genuinely benefit from your love and kindness will not be the ones to set the limits; this responsibility lies with you. It’s essential to remember that you don’t always owe explanations for your choices—sometimes, a simple no is sufficient. Embracing this mindset may lead to discomfort for those used to your generosity, but it is your right to enforce boundaries. Learning to regulate through their disappointment is part of reclaiming your emotional agency, allowing you to develop healthier connections that honor your well-being and happiness.

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