Fred Colby's Blog

Why is this important? Well, do you ever wonder whether you are going crazy? Or wonder what your state of mind is and whether you can “fix” it so you can live a normal life again?

 As men we often just charge ahead and apply whatever solution we think is right based upon our own limited experience… no matter unhelpful it may be. Other times we may take the advice of a poorly informed friend or relative and take actions that are the exact opposite of what we should be doing.

 For example, we might:

Shut everyone out and sit in our room being miserable all day, or

Start breaking things like glassware, bottles, walls, or

Throw things away (e.g. wife’s clothing) without thinking about the consequences, or

Leave on a poorly planned trip to who knows where, or

React angrily towards family, friends, and neighbors for trying to help or not trying at all, or

Experience sleepless nights that lead to a disconnect from reality and hallucinations, or

Quit our job, sell our house, and run away, or

Start drinking or doing drugs guaranteeing our continued decline, or

Start dating too soon and fall in love with the first gal who is nice to you, or

Become obsessed with your need for intimacy, leading to more bad decisions.

If you are stuck in one or several of these common patterns, how do you recognize it and how do you deal with it. One starting point is to use techniques frequently used by professional therapists.

Green, Yellow, and Red Color Codes as Indicators of Our State of Mind

 Therapists often use color codes to help patients to easily self-identify their current mental and emotional state so they can take steps to reduce stress levels.

 Originally this framework was designed to help children by using four color-coded zones to help them understand and communicate how they are feeling. (Dr. Essence Rivers, Customized Behavioral Healthcare). However, given the state of mind of the widower during the first year or so, I believe this framework works well for widowers as well.

These color codes help us identify our emotional state, regulate behavior, and manage stress:

1.    Green represents calm/focused, happy, and ready to learn.

2.    Yellow signifies heightened emotions/caution, such as being frustrated, anxious or excited (heightened state but still in control.

3.    Red indicates extreme, anger, overwhelmed and out-of-control feelings that require immediate support.

David Ko, CEO of Calm (the online Meditation service), encourages us to use these Color Codes to find out where we are in terms of our therapeutic needs. If your state of mind is:  

Green – therapy provided by CALM and similar online providers may be sufficient

Yellow – online therapy is not enough, you likely need additional support such as group therapy or individual counseling

Red – you definitely need individual therapy and more to address your issues.

 Using these color codes can help us to identify when we are leaving the “Green” state and need to start using coping strategies to stop us from reaching the “Red” zone. When we are in the “Yellow” zone we can be alert to our emotional state and take steps (e.g. stop and breathe slowly) to calm our state of mind.

 Once while driving with a friend to get a meal, I started to use the power window to close the window on his side of the car. I almost caught his arm in the rapidly sliding window. I immediately recognized that I was in an agitated state of mind for some reason. This warning helped me to start to calm myself. Quickly, my emotional state of mind became more “Green” than “Yellow.”

 If you find yourself in a “Red” zone, the ability to recognize it can help you to avoid having the situation spiral out of control. These are the times it is good to have a trusted therapist who you can call to help talk you down to a more manageable state of mind. I found my therapist to be of immense help during these times.

 In my case, besides my therapist I had a sister who had become a trusted confidant who I could call when I needed to talk things out and get some thoughtful and honest feedback. As a former therapist, my sister was able to help guide me through my more challenging emotional states. For the more difficult issues I would wait until I could speak with my regular therapist. Having more than one “safe” person you can speak with is a blessing.

 You can use these Color Codes to better recognize and even anticipate those times when you might need help to navigate what you are feeling. Knowing that you are going to be in a difficult situation (e.g. seeing old friends, meeting with your attorney, going through your wife’s possessions, etc.) allows you to prepare for it by categorizing the level of stress you might encounter, and putting some counter measures into place before the event, such as:

Breathing exercises

Taking a break

Making sure you have enough time to do the task without feeling pressured

Asking a trusted family member or friend to help you with the task

Writing down a plan for addressing the task

Pausing before you start the task (or meeting) to calm yourself and let go of any fears, anger, anxiety, or doubts

Be grateful for any help you receive

Mentally go to your happy place (e.g. mine is imagining myself on a beach)

 If this topic is of interest to you, please see the interview with David Ko on Masters of Scale: https://mastersofscale.com/the-most-s...

 Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website: Fred Colby, Author

If you are depressed, you are living in the past.

If you are anxious, you are living in the future.

If you are at peace, you are living in the present.

 Lao Tzu (6th-century BC Chinese philosopher)

When we first enter deep grieving after losing our wives, we desperately try to hold on to her. This can include (as it did for me) going through all the old photos, slides, and mementos to try and keep her close. This leads us to continue living in the past.

 A part of us has been ripped away, and we don’t want to let it go. We cannot imagine our life without her. Some, like me, may have trouble even remembering how she looked, sounded, and felt. A wall of numbness and nothingness cuts us off from them. This may be our mind’s way of protecting itself by anesthetizing you to the pain of remembering her.

 I often felt as if the world around me was surreal as I numbly walked through it for months after losing my Theresa. I could not call up an image of her in my mind or see her in my dreams.

It is perfectly natural for us to fall into a state of deep grief, and even full-blown depression while trying to hold on to these memories of our wives. Anxiety, fear, and depression can cause various symptoms of widowers’ syndrome. This may include the threat of an earlier death for us due in part to the added stress and resultant health issues.

 As we process our grief, there is a difference between:

Melancholy or a “state of feeling sad and with low spirits” (Merriam-Webster),

Nostalgia or “a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to some past period or irrecoverable condition” (Merriam-Webster), and

Depression which can be “a mood disorder that is marked by varying degrees of sadness, despair, and loneliness and that is typically accompanied by inactivity, guilt, loss of concentration, social withdrawal, sleep disturbances, and sometimes suicidal tendencies” (Merriam-Webster)

 During our lifetimes we all experience some of these, but during deep grieving it is easy to fall into the more severe expressions of depression. It can be scary as hell, and you may doubt your ability to pull out of these dark places. I know I did!

 Melancholy and nostalgia, if periodic rather than constant, are perfectly normal and are likely to dissipate over time. They can become constant in your daily life, especially if fed by alcohol and/or drugs. We are also likely to experience some bouts of depression during the deep grieving period which usually runs anywhere from 6 months to 2 years.

 Friends and family are not likely to understand what you are going through. This is why it is so important to involve others who can help you in your grief journey. Grief counselors, grief groups and their facilitators, and fellow widowers can help you to recognize what you are going through and how to deal with it.

 The longer your bouts of melancholy, nostalgia, and/or depression last, the more important it is for you to reach out for help, and to accept it when it is offered.

 So please, if you find yourself in this deep dark place for extended periods and if you avoid talking to others about it, please seek help. The more you stay focused on the past, the harder it is to re-engage with the present and enjoy life again.

 I can testify to the help one can receive from a good counselor. And I have spoken with hundreds of fellow widowers who found that to be true for them as well.

 For more help go to: https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks where you can access a list of resources I have prepared to help my fellow widowers.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website: Fred Colby, Author

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When things are going badly, and certainly the death of your wife qualifies, it is easy to fall into a spiral of negativity. Whether you were inclined towards a negativity bias before or not, it is easy to think that:

·        everyone and everything is working against you,

·        all that was good in your life is gone,

·        you are doomed to a lonely, miserable life going forward, and

·        the pain and grief will go on forever.

 Well, I have both good and bad news for you!

Bad news: You are right, and you may end up experiencing all of those things and more if you remain trapped in this negativity bias.

Good news: You can still find some good in your life that can help you overcome all of these negative messages.

How do you do this? By focusing on what is still going well for you! I know this may be hard, but even for the most miserable of us, there usually are some (maybe only one or two at the start) things that are going right. If you focus on these each day for at least a little while, you will gradually begin to pull yourself up out of the pit of despair you find yourself in.

After my wife passed, I found myself buried in the pain and grief. I realized that I had to pull myself out of this, if not for me, then for my children and grandchildren.  I began to make a more concerted effort to focus on the great and long and rewarding relationship I had with my wife.

To remind me of this l created a sheet which I posted above the toilet in the master bathroom.  The goal being that I would have to look at it first thing every morning when I got up to take a leak.

It began with, “Start   every day with gratitude for” and then listed things and people like my:

Wife

Daughters

Family

Friends

Neighbors

Workmates  

Home

Trips

Good experiences

I would take a few moments to remember some special moments that we had, some special places we visited, some challenges we met and overcame, and some of the poignant moments such as when our children were born. Each of these gave me something to hang on to that helped me to feel just a little bit better as I began my day.

Along with this, I learned to laugh at myself more. I found humor in all the delusions and warped sense of things I sometimes had during this grieving period. If you don’t learn to laugh a little at yourself, you might go crazy. Laughter is a great counter to all the nagging thoughts that try to constantly drag you back down into   grieving.

What is Going Well??

And finally, I learned to stop and be grateful for the things that were going well for me despite the loss of my wife. For me this included writing my first book, Widower to Widower. It also included settling my financial issues, finishing all of the title changes, and maintaining my relationships with my children, grandchildren, and friends. I proactively reached out to my friends who generously responded and would join me for a beer once in a while. As I progressed, more and more things seemed to be going in the right direction. I took this to heart and that gave me courage to continue on this path.

I won’t say it was easy. IT WAS NOT! But gradually I could see and feel the progress that I was making. This encouraged me to stay the course.  Over time, that Negativity Bias diminished into nothingness and no longer threatened me and my mental health.

So, I encourage you to choose to fight the negativity and to find your own unique ways to reengage with and enjoy life again.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website: Fred Colby, Author

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Whether you believe in God, Allah, Yahweh, or a spiritual universe, you probably have heard the phrase, “Don’t bow down to false gods.” When we are grieving, many false gods may tempt us and drag us into a pit of despair which can be hard to climb out of.

When we bow down to false gods, we give them power over us… we let them dictate how we grieve, how we live, and how we interact with others (including those who are trying to help us).

A few of the most dangerous false gods are:

Anger which tempts us to obsess on the unfairness of our wife’s dying, the failure of doctors to save her, the insensitive remarks of others, the costs of medical care, or our own real or perceived shortcomings during her illness or passing.

Fear attacks our sense of well-being and replaces it with doubts about our ability to survive the seemingly bottomless pit of grief we find ourselves in. We begin to doubt our very sanity and our ability to navigate this new world without our spouse by our side. Interactions with others cause worry, anxiety, and self-doubt.

Desire would suggest that we need to fill the void in our lives through sexual encounters, or new relationships which are driven in large part by the need for human touch.

Loneliness drags us down by telling us that we will forever be alone and unworthy of old or new friendships, that we will spend our remaining days isolated, with nowhere to go, and no one to share our life with again.

Alcohol & Drugs feed off of the other false gods, and would tell us that the only way we can survive is to consume quantities of them in order to neutralize the pain and avoid the fear, doubts, desire for companionship, and loneliness.

Once they have secured a foothold in our consciousness, these false gods will drag us down into an ever-increasing cycle of granting them more power over us. As a result, we are apt to be more resistant to seeking help. This in turn makes healing even more difficult to realize.

So, what do you do if you find these false gods gaining power over you?

The first and most important step is to recognize what is happening to you, to recognize which false gods are claiming power over you, and then stand up to them and reject them. I would literally say things like, “I reject you (anger), I do not accept you or your claim of power over me.” This may require the help of a therapist, a minister/priest/rabbi/mullah, or a good friend or family member who can support you as you confront these false gods.

The second most important step is to reaffirm who you are… a good, whole, and complete person with a strong foundation of values and beliefs which do not just disappear because your wife is gone. You, and she, devoted decades to building a better more complete you. Why should you discard that person now?

That does not mean that you will not change as a person going forward. You will! As we repeatedly say in my Men’s Grief Groups, “It will never be the same again.” But that new person will be built on top of and around the person you were before. Widowers often say their experience “creates a new me.”

Don’t be afraid to find out who this NEW YOU is. If you are successful at expunging the false gods, you will find that discovering who this new you is, can give you plenty to do for the rest of your days!

Good luck to you!

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website: Fred Colby, Author

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We speak often about how alone and desperate we feel after our wife has passed. And we know how this can lead to horrible decisions that can ruin your life going forward. So, what happens when we meet a possible “new best friend”? How do we know that our new friend is the “right one?”

In our messed-up psycho-emotional state it is so easy to make a bad decision and have our feelings dictated by wrong motives. It is easy to think that we want to marry this wonderful new woman we just met. (I know this from personal experience.)

And for some of us, the drive for intimacy can be overpowering. The euphoria of a new relationship can wipe out all reason and lead us down a path without consideration of the possible consequences.

So, what can we do to avoid these traps when we meet someone who excites us and helps us to forget our pain for a while? One thing you might consider is what you are really looking for. For example, are you looking for a:

Maid: maybe you are one of those guys who leaves his clothes all over the place, who never washes the dishes, who wears the same clothes again and again without washing them, and who never mows the lawn… much less pull the weeds. If this is the case, and you were used to your wife doing most of these things… you might just be looking for a maid. I can tell you that hiring a maid to come in once a month is a lot cheaper than marrying the first woman that comes along who is willing to fill this role.

Cook: Or maybe you have never had to fend for yourself in terms of shopping, cooking, and baking… and you quickly tire of eating out (especially now when it is so expensive) or eating frozen meals. There are plenty of widowers who cannot fry an egg, much less cook vegetables or even a crock pot meal. When a gal comes into our lives who unselfishly prepares tasty home-cooked meals for us, we might think we have discovered “the one.” While I am one who is easily impressed by a good meal, I have found that this alone may not be an indicator of how well a marriage will work out. But I must admit that in a good relationship each of you should bring something to the table… and not just money or a home.

Concubine: As some of you know, after we lose our wives we often have deep cravings for intimacy with a woman. We just want to feel close to someone again, to feel loved again, and to quiet the weird and strong sexual physical symptoms we may experience. This can drive us to distraction as our moral compass struggles with the demands of our body and psycho-emotional state of mind. Way too often while in this state we can mistake intimacy with love, leading to poorly informed decisions of the highest magnitude… including getting married. So, if you find yourself in this position, please make a commitment to yourself and your new friend to slow things down and take some time before making rash decisions. Make sure that what you really want is a long-term lasting relationship built upon love and mutual respect.

Wife/Partner: If you feel that there is more to your new relationship than is outlined above, you have come to the crux of your decision-making. And when I say wife, I also mean long-term commitments which may or may not include living together. As a widower in today’s world there are many reasons why you may not want to take the marriage route (e.g. social security benefits, family, legal restrictions in wills and trusts). If you feel that your relationship has matured past the euphoric stage to one of genuine love and respect for each other, then maybe you are ready for this big step. If you have close family and/or friends this step should be taken with careful planning so you can hopefully retain those other relationships which are so important to your mental health and happiness going forward.

In all cases at minimum please consider:

Waiting at least one year after your wife’s passing before making such an important decision. Over 50% of these marriages fail within one year. If the new relationship is real it can withstand a few months of waiting, and

Meet with a grief therapist to talk everything over, just to help make sure your decisions are based upon a solid foundation that can see you through to a successful conclusion.

Best wishes to all my fellow widowers as we all navigate this strange and challenging period of becoming a widower.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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“We often don’t know how much something has come to define us

until we lose it.” Maya Shankar, Cognitive Scientist

When our wives pass, we have no idea how much our lives are about to change. The change is so dramatic that we often enter a “brain fog” during the first few weeks. Our mind cannot process what is going on.

We cannot comprehend that they are gone, and that our lives have changed instantly and drastically. We sleepwalk through the days trying to finish the simplest of chores, often forgetting what we said or did just a few moments ago.

We may be at a loss over what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We may be in denial that this is our new reality and that we will be alone from this point forward.

Maya Shankar recently released her book, The Other Side of Change: Who We Become When Life Makes Other Plans. This self-help book uses cognitive science and personal stories to explore how unexpected life changes can lead to profound personal transformation, not just hardship.

I recently listened to a Masters of Scale podcast with Maya Shankar which I think many of my readers will find helpful. The book posits that “major life changes, while difficult, can lead to extraordinary personal evolution, revealing hidden strengths and new ways of being.” She calls this “Transformation through disruption.”

Ms. Shankar encourages readers to see moments of upheaval as chances to reimagine themselves, rather than just something to get through.  As she says, “When big changes happen to us they inspire big changes in us.”

While not a rigid "five-step plan," her book offers tools and questions to help navigate change and discover new potential.

So, why am I giving her so much attention? If you read my blogs regularly, you know that I often emphasize the need to “reinvent” yourself in order to heal and re-engage with life again. We are often shocked when we discover that we now have an opportunity to:

try new things and activities,

meet new people,

become a more empathetic and better person,

open ourselves up to learning new skills, habits, practices, etc,

to help others and to improve our community.

Some of these new directions may include finding ways to remember, honor, and love your wife through writing, poetry, painting, gardens, scholarships, donations, volunteering, etc.

At first you may feel guilty (I did) because you are here and able to continue on with life, and able to enjoy it again. That is ok and perfectly normal. But as you begin to normalize these new activities and behaviors you will welcome these opportunities.

You will find that you have “new purpose” in life which your wife would celebrate along with you. I know that it can be shocking when you enter this new “life” of yours, but I can assure you that if you approach it with an open mind and let go of the guilt, you will find that your life once again has meaning, and this can be very rewarding.

Best of luck to you all as you enter upon your new journey.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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We are approaching Valentines Day which can often trigger even more pain, regret, and loneliness. Unfortunately, it follows our emotional roller coaster holidays. It’s like a grief train that won’t stop and let us off. What can we do to survive these and other grief inspired challenges?

The days just before and after our wives’ passing can be the most discombobulating, confusing, and depressing days of your life. There is no way to prepare for it, but there are ways to make it more survivable.

Grief can begin with numbness and then graduate to full-blown pain that dominates every moment of your day. At first you may acquiesce to it because you have no choice and it feels right that you should suffer so much for her. The physical, emotional, and mental impacts are often overwhelming. Over time you may start to wonder, "Wait, how long should I go on feeling this way? Will I ever heal? What can I expect going forward? Do I have a choice?"

This article addresses these and other questions that we as widowers often face during our grieving.

7 Steps Before, During, and After Her Death

You had a romantic wedding, celebrated the birth of children, and got comfortable with your happily-ever-after life. Then tragedy struck and you realized how fragile the human body can be. Suddenly, you faced the prospect of seeing the source of your contentment take her last breath.

During the early stages of your grieving, there are opportunities to help maintain your mental health. Seven strategies can help you begin healing while she is still with you. So, let’s get to it.

1.     Stay connected to your spouse. One of my friends who beat cancer said the worst part of the battle was seeing a look of pity when someone noticed her bald head and pale skin—key signs of chemotherapy. It made her feel disconnected and rejected. A person with whom you have shared a lifetime of affection and challenges probably wants more of the same—not looks of pity. Don’t engage in avoidance or distraction; instead continue the relationship you have enjoyed for years. During treatment, my wife and I would have humorous moments while seeing how she looked in the many wigs friends gave her, ranging from long blond to short brunette.

2.     Have conversations with the professional caregivers who become part of your life. They are skilled in palliative techniques (relieving symptoms, pain, and stress of serious illness). These skilled professionals are prepared to help patients and their loved ones navigate fear and confusion, as well as provide physical comfort.

3.     Interact with family and friends. A website like Caring Bridge makes it easy for loved ones to offer comfort, humor, memories, prayers, and more over the situation. It’s also an efficient platform for responding to people who want to do something practical for you: “Yes, I’d appreciate a hot meal,” or “Let us know if you are interested in visiting her, we are scheduling visits when she can handle it.” I made a practice of reaching out to my male friends to meet me for a beer or bike ride, and I let them know upfront that there would be times when I might tear up… but, that it was o.k. and they need not feel embarrassed for me.

4.     Share your experiences and feelings with others who are going through the same thing. Two months after her passing, I joined a Men’s Grief Group. The members contributed stories and insights that helped me through my grieving. Some of their stories became part of my book, Widower to Widower. It sounds cliché but knowing you’re not alone in your distress provides strength. By showing up for the people in your group, you can feel a sense of purpose in helping your widower brothers who are struggling as you did. Before the end of their first visit, almost every new widower would express their gratitude for the group being there for them.

5.     Get one-on-one counseling. A friend I thought would never go to a therapist finally admitted he needed professional help to pull him out of his depression. After a few sessions, he stormed out of her office—angry that someone was arrogant enough to think she could help him! The anger was soon replaced by a commitment to healing. He now credits the therapist with saving his life. When with a therapist you are in a safe place, can say the things you need to say, and ask any questions you need to ask. It does not matter whether they are male or female. The only prerequisite I suggest is that they must have prior Grief Counseling experience.

6.     Communicate with yourself. Go ahead: Talk to yourself. And answer yourself. You will probably have many moments alone in the coming days and weeks that would have been shared with your spouse. You need to know the sound of your own voice—to think out loud and listen to your thoughts. If like me you spent many years together with your spouse, trust me, you know the answer she would give you anyway.

7.     Tell your story, over and over again. I found that each time I told the story of Theresa and me, I would feel just a little bit better. Sharing your story is therapeutic and brings comfort to both you and the one hearing the story. I would tell it to complete strangers, as well as to family and friends. Journaling is also a great way to express your thoughts and to heal.

And finally, in closing, know that what you are going through is normal and you are not going crazy.

Each of us has our own unique grief experience, but we can learn from the commonalities in our experiences. So, to heal, be open and willing to hear and learn from your fellow widowers.

Good luck to each of you.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

“What a powerful brotherhood I found when I discovered this book. It taught me that I am not alone in my grief, thoughts and conflicting emotions. There truly is “strength in numbers.” Get this book: It can be game changer for you.” Arnold L.

 This quote is from a reader of my book (Widower to Widower). I know that readers of other books such as Herb Knoll’s The Widowers Journey have voiced similar thoughts.

We feel so isolated and alone when we begin our grief journey. Not only do we believe no one can understand what we are going through, but we also feel unable to convey what we are going through to others.  We may feel desperate to have our wives back in our lives… and find ourselves in a deep void that is beyond our comprehension or ability to explain to anyone.

What we do want to share with others is so emotional, so painful, and so personal that we just don’t know how to communicate it. Let’s be blunt, men are awful when it comes to talking about feelings, desires, fears, and doubts. In fact, the only person we may ever have felt we could speak with is now gone!

When we most need someone to talk to, there is no one there. In order to speak of these things to anyone else, we desperately need to:

feel safe to say it,

trust the people we are sharing with,

believe they can understand us, and

know that we can let our emotions out without losing our self-respect.

Years ago, before an infinite number of internet connections, a widower’s only choice was to find a counselor, minister, or friend to talk to. These people were often unprepared to deal with the severity of the widower experience. If you were lucky you might find a good one, but chances were that you would be left with nowhere to turn.

But now? It is changing dramatically. Ten years ago when I lost my wife the resources available online and in the bookstore were woefully limited. But now, besides Herb’s and my book there are new books coming out every few months. Widowers Support Network is available via (https://widowerssupportnetwork.com/)  and with a Facebook page that offers connections for over 2000 members!

My Facebook posts (https://www.facebook.com/FredColbyAuthor) draw up to 500 visitors a day for some blog posts. And the National Widowers Organization (https://nationalwidowers.org/) offers a wide array of resources. In 2015 there were few Men’s Grief Groups available, but now they are becoming increasingly common as hospices, churches, and community organizations recognize the need for these groups to better serve widowers.

Why are there so many new resources now? Because there is a need, and a willingness by widowers to ask for help! Men have gradually become more open to accepting the help of others. This is just one more piece of that evolution.

Most importantly, widowers are now finding some critical help they need from their fellow widowers. This is evidenced in many posts on these websites and Facebook pages. Participants often rejoice over finding a band of brothers with whom they can commiserate, get support, and learn how to survive this hell-on-earth experience. The most common statement I hear goes something like this, “I no longer feel that I am alone.”

These sites also provide widowers with something we all need, the opportunity to help and support our fellow widowers. Our need to express love and caring for others does not die with our wives! If anything, this need is accentuated by her loss as we no longer have an easy outlet for those expressions.

So my Brothers in Grief, let us rejoice that we have found each other, and that we can learn how to heal both ourselves and our newfound friends through these and other vehicles. Blessings to you all!

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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As we said at every meeting of my online grief group, “It will never be the same again!” Nothing shakes up your world and self-identity like the loss of your wife.

When Theresa, my wife of 45 years, passed in 2015 I lost three of the four legs that supported the foundation of my life: wife, family, job, and faith. My faith was in crisis, I had left my job to take care of my wife, and my wife was now deceased. Only some family members remained.

To add to my sense of loss, I felt as if half of my identity had been ripped away. What was left to define me and to serve as my foundation going forward?

At first, the answer was not much. As I emerged from the deepest and most painful first months of grieving, I realized that I did not know who this new person was. Were the labels of widower and grandfather all that was left to define me? Did I want to continue as this ill-defined half of a person that I seemed to now be?

I discovered over time that reinventing yourself does not mean that the old self was imperfect or lacking. However, this process is a recognition that things have changed, and you need to adapt to your new reality.

After getting out some, and meeting new people, and trying some new activities, I realized that I could redefine my new self any way that I wanted to. Yes, I would always be Theresa’s husband, the father of my children, and the grandfather of my grandchildren… but I could be more. It was up to me! No one else could do it for me.

This led to me engaging in snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, hiking, and dancing as a way to redefine my newly active self. So often, many of us who have been in long marriages tend to fall into a complacency.  This frequently leads to a less active lifestyle with few new challenges.

As a married couple, we tend to spend more time on leisure activities like reading, going to the movies, watching sports, etc. This gets old real fast when you are by yourself and have no one to share things with. Over time, if not addressed, this can lead to isolation and depression.

I recognize that during this time of deep grieving it can be especially challenging to get out there and become more active. But even then, there is no reason we cannot begin looking for those activities and projects that we might be able to join soon. And some activities, such as outdoor ones, can first be started on a small scale. Writing journals, joining online groups, and more can also be initiated now.

To keep my new self mentally engaged, I soon joined two Boards of Directors for the local library and the Pathways hospice which had supported my wife, me, and my family through her passing and our grieving process. At Pathways I worked with the Grief & Loss department to help launch and then co-facilitate a Men’s Grief Group which continues to this day.

And finally, I decided to write my book, Widower to Widower, to help other widowers to survive the painful and daunting grief process. Like Herb Knoll (author of The Widower’s Journey), I had spent months trying to find printed materials which could help me through the grieving experience. Much to my own and my therapist’s dismay we could find little that was of use. She finally challenged me to write the book that I would want to read. This led to me spending over a year of writing and editing, and another year of formatting, polishing, publishing, and promoting the book. (Click here to see reviews and testimonies of Widower to Widower)

Eventually, all these new activities, friends, compatriots, and positions helped me to re-invent my new self into something healthy and vibrant again. The four-legged stool was restored by reclaiming my faith, adding new volunteer “jobs” to my resume, strengthening my role as father and grandfather, and by bringing new friends into my circle. Today, while I still grieve for my wife at times, I once again feel alive and fully engaged with my community, friends, and family.

This new self was developed over a multi-year period and is still a work in progress. Over time it has evolved further. I am convinced that for me this process of re-inventing myself was crucial to my healing from the deep grieving I experienced after losing Theresa.

Each widower will find their own way to this “reinvention” process and will do so at their own pace. It can be an exciting undertaking that engages you in dynamic and creative ways.

There is no need to rush it, force it, or even fully engage with it. Allow yourself the time and space to do this in a way which meets your individual needs, background, culture, and situation. If you do this right, you can eventually find yourself enjoying life once again.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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The following is a summary of an often-told story that offers a valuable perspective on how we might regard grief. Hope you enjoy it.

Fred Colby, Author

The famous writer, Franz Kafka, once encountered a little girl in the park where he went walking daily. She was crying. She had lost her doll and was desolate.

Kafka offered to help her look for the doll and arranged to meet her the next day at the same spot. Unable to find the doll he composed a letter from the doll and read it to her when they met.

“Please do not mourn me, I have gone on a trip to see the world. I will write to you of my adventures.”

This was the beginning of many letters. When he and the little girl met, he read to her from these carefully composed letters of the imagined adventures of the beloved doll. The little girl was comforted.

When the meetings came to an end Kafka presented her with a doll. She obviously looked different from the original doll. An attached letter explained: “my travels have changed me… “

The little girl hugged the new doll and brought the doll with her to her happy home.

A year later Kafka died...

Years later, the now-adult girl found a letter inside the doll. In the tiny letter signed by Kafka it was written:

"Everything you love will probably be lost, but in the end, love will return in another way."

Kafka’s message encourages us to embrace change. It's inevitable for growth. Together we can shift pain into wonder and love, but it is up to us to consciously and intentionally create that connection. *

I hope this story, my holiday present to everyone, resonates for you.

 This story has been told and retold many times over the years. The original storyteller is believed to be Dora Diamant, Kafka's companion in Berlin.

© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order it direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Permalink