Fred Colby's Blog

I found myself in a predicament one Thanksgiving eight years ago. It surprised me. Suddenly my grief (which I thought was under control 1½ years after my wife’s death) re-emerged full force. I escaped to my master closet and sunk down to my knees as full-on sobbing took over. For maybe five minutes I just let it run its course, and then suddenly it was over. While I was shaken by the event, I was able to re-join my family for dinner. The power of that experience has stuck with me ever since.

While I have teared up and/or had sad moments since then… I have not sunk into this type of deep sobbing since then. I still remember, honor, and love my wife, Theresa… but, as many of us find out… life continues.

During Thanksgiving and Christmas during the first year or two after losing your wife, you may also find yourself suddenly breaking down into full sobbing. This can occur without warning and may force you to escape (as I did) to your closet or basement to let it all out.

Even though your life may seem to be settling into a sort of new-normal, these out-of-the-blue regressions can be expected… even welcomed. Why? Because these moments reaffirm your love for your wife. They are a way to remember and honor her at a time when you may feel that you are losing her as your new world fills up with new people, new activities, and new experiences.

But these moments can be unsettling and confusing for us, as well as for those around us. It is normal at Holiday times to feel guilty along with intense loneliness and sadness, because:

you are here, and she is not,

she is missing out on these important days,

the holidays just don’t seem the same without her, and/or

everyone else seems to have moved on with few mentions of her.

So, you have a choice. When you have this experience, do you sink back into deep grieving with self-isolation, grief, fear, and self-doubt? Or do you embrace this event as confirmation of your love for your wife and allow yourself a brief and healthy good cry? If you do the latter, you will quickly find yourself able to rejoin the others in celebration of the holidays.

Experiencing these sudden breakdowns with full-on emotional expression of your grief does NOT mean that you are regressing, or that you are caught in a “complicated grief” cycle that can be hard to escape. It just means that your feelings and emotional security are still somewhat fragile, leaving you open to these sudden ambushes of your psycho-emotional state.

Counter-intuitively you may find that all your worrying about how you will react during the holidays may act as a buffer between you and deep grieving. I have heard from many widowers who told me that they had no problems with their first holiday without her, but were ambushed by it during the second year of holidays… probably in part because they had let their guard down by the second year.

So, don’t look to the coming Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with dread, but rather with the attitude of being ready for anything… knowing that you will survive this and continue to heal.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order it direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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For those of us who lost our wives later in life, you may soon hear the not-so-subtle suggestions that it is time for you to:

retire,

move into a senior living complex or assisted living center, or

give power-of-attorney over your life to someone else.

These ideas may originate in our own consciousness as we confront our new reality, and as we consider how to continue without the support we used to get from our wives.

Erroneous advice often comes when we are at our weakest point while stumbling through our first year or two of grieving. We may be too weak to resist these suggestions… especially if they come from our family, close friends, or trusted advisors.

What appears to be a loss of mental acuity, emotional stability, and/or decision-making ability may lead others to believe this is your new normal. They may assume that you cannot live alone and manage your own affairs. And a few may even see an opportunity to take advantage of you.

If you are unsure of yourself and your capacity to manage your life (perfectly normal), you may be too easily persuaded to take steps that are not in your best interest.

When my wife passed in 2015, I readily accepted the idea that if she passed, I must be on the downward spiral towards death as well. This led me to sell my home and move into a newly opened senior complex in the area.

Within a year I knew this move was a mistake and that “senior living” was not my cup of tea, nor was it where I wanted to be until the day I died, no matter how soon or long that might be. As a result, I ended up selling that place and moving into a new home I found in an area that I loved. If I had been a little more patient after my wife passed, I might have avoided this buying and selling of two homes and having to pack everything up twice.

I personally know of other widowers who were forced to sell their home within months of their wives’ deaths, who had to protect their possessions and bank accounts from greedy relatives, and who entered assisted living facilities well before they really needed to. All of us are more vulnerable after our wives have passed on, so we all must take steps to protect our independence, finances, and emotional well-being.

There are some steps you can take to protect yourself while you are processing your grief:

Follow the “No Major Decisions for One Year” rule (e.g. selling your home, getting married again, signing a power of attorney, etc.)

Draw up (or review) your Will or Living Trust with the help of an attorney if you have not done so already

Speak with financial advisors to review your finances and future financial needs before either becomes a problem. One good place to go for free guidance is: https://www.wingsforwidows.org/

See a grief counselor to help you through the grieving process, and to help you identify any warning signs about your decision-making process or how others are interacting with you (e.g. abusive relatives)

Become active again to jump start your healing process and to gain the confidence you will need to reengage with life again

And finally, find your new purpose! That may be helping a nonprofit, volunteering at the library, starting a new business, teaching a class, cleaning up the neighborhood, joining a board, writing a book, and on and on. There are endless ways for us to honor our wives by doing good, and endless ways to help our community. Both bring rewards that make living rewarding again.

Please see the following two blogs that may give you some more ideas:

·         https://www.fredcolby.com/blogs/reinventing-yourself-to-survive-and-heal

·         https://www.fredcolby.com/blogs/finding-your-new-purpose-helps-to-heal-you

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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Remember that feeling of peace, that feeling of being comfortable with yourself, your circumstances, and your marriage? Maybe you were 10, 20, or even 30 years into your marriage before you reached this point. Many of us were fortunate enough to have achieved that blissful stage of existence… even if it was only for a few moments here and there.

I remember so clearly how I reached this state of contentment later in my life. It was strange, but one day I happened to look around at all that my wife and I had achieved together and told her that I was truly content for the first time in my life. Little did I know that a few years later I would lose a key foundation of that contentment.

After Theresa’s passing, I felt anything but content. I was miserable. My body, soul, and mind were in a constant state of turmoil. Wracked with physical pain, questioning my relationship with God, doubting myself, and experiencing delusions from lack of sleep. I was incapable of even a few moments of happiness, much less being comfortable. I was constantly stressed and could not relax for a moment, much less sleep.

It took many months to achieve a level where I could once again feel at ease and appreciate what I had with my wife, as well as what I now had because of what we had built together. She was not there with me physically anymore; but she was with me always in my thoughts and very being. She had helped me to build a new better me, and that did not suddenly disappear when she died.

The children we had raised were still with me, in addition to four grandchildren. Our friends were still there the first year, and often offered to help during this painful time. The life we had built was still there, and she was woven into every aspect of it.

During this journey I had to reinvent myself (see my blog - Reinventing Yourself). This took time and lots of persistent effort, with a few wrong turns. As this “new me” emerged I found that the turmoil in my life began to diminish. I made new friends, learned new skills, took risks, and tried new activities. Over time my new and more self-confident self-image began to emerge along with a gradually growing sense of well-being.

Eventually, I even found a new best friend (a widow herself) who was happy to join me on this new journey. Both of us have welcomed the other’s spouse into the relationship, and both of us are respectful of what we had during our previous marriage.

Not long after this, I realized that for the first time since Theresa’s death I was once again feeling contentment about my past and current life. This has allowed me to release the stress and doubts and fears of the previous few years, and to enjoy life again.

While I am extremely grateful to have this new best friend in my life, I do not believe that you require a new partner in order to achieve contentment again. The key elements of your sense of well-being were there before you lost your wife, and so many of those elements can still be there for you going forward.

You may have to work hard to achieve contentment once again, but it is possible, and it is well worth the effort.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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Remember Frankie Valli’s hit song, “Big Girls Don’t Cry?” Many of us can probably sing a few verses. Well, like you, I learned the hard way that as widowers, BIG BOYS ALSO CRY! And we often find it to be a shock to our system.

Nothing can be more disconcerting for our sons and daughters than to see their father cry, especially full out sobbing! Friends, family, workmates and children often become fearful and at a total loss as to how to respond when a widower breaks down in tears.

Those of us who serve others who have lost loved ones may become too used to this expression of grief, and our responses may become rote. We may not see how painful and disruptive to relationships this transformation might be for both the widower and their family or friends.

Most often, these family and friends are grieving too. But they may still have trouble understanding the deep grief the widower feels. This grieving is made even more traumatic because men are not used to expressing their sorrow, fear, and emotional responses. Now suddenly it is pouring out of them unfettered.

Children are used to seeing their Dad as a strong and stable figure during past family crisis’ so to now see them broken down in their grief and unable to help themselves can be very scary and disconcerting.

Often this reaction, paired together with pre-existing family issues, can cause destructive changes in relationships which cannot be repaired. This is particularly true of merged families where second marriages have brought together two sets of children, siblings, parents and grandparents. Bonding these two groups together over the years may not have occurred, so these bonds may be easily broken.

Too often I hear from widowers who have been abandoned by their children and relatives, especially those of merged families. And often these can devolve into outright hostilities and attempts to steal what remaining resources the widower has left. Men often struggle with this because they may not be accustomed to seeking help from others.

What can we do as widowers when faced with these challenges? Here are some suggestions:

Be alert to recognizing when issues emerge between family members. Don’t ignore them.

Find a comforting and safe place to express your fears and concerns (e.g. grief groups, counselor office, church support groups, or that special friend or family member who you trust completely).

Consider inviting your family members to join you in some therapy sessions to work things out together.

Research area resources that might help you to survive the grief and challenges ahead, such as area hospices, grief groups, grief counselors, church counseling programs, online support groups (see https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks for a list of resources).

Alert the authorities if you are being abused or taken advantage of by those around you in any way. Don’t wait until the money, furniture, car, or other items are all gone.

Read Fred Colby’s Widower to Widower or Herb Knoll’s The Widower’s Journey. There are helpful ideas in both these books that can help you through this.

You can also go to the following link to books, blogs and resources designed to help every widower to find answers and support: https://www.fredcolby.com/

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Some of our best learning opportunities come from our worst experiences. I have had a few of those, and over time realized that I could learn something from each one.

My Personal Example:

Prior to losing my wife, one of my worst experiences was being fired from an Executive Director job for a non-profit organization in San Diego, California. I had been on the job for only a year.

I had no idea what I was going to do next. But something told me to just sit back, listen, and be receptive. Within a day I had a phone call from another area non-profit asking if I would do some consulting work for them! Within a week I had five clients signed up for  one-year contracts, doing what I did best: strategic planning and fund development. I continued in that career for over 20 years and loved it. I met wonderful people, helped many good groups to become better and stronger, and learned many new lessons that helped me to become more effective at my job.

What I learned was to not react with anger or fear, and to stop and listen, and to be willing to try something new and different. This lesson has served me well ever since.

You may have faced challenges like bankruptcy, losing your home, conflicts with loved ones, natural disasters, or a serious illness.

These experiences often come upon us suddenly and may seem insurmountable. But like me, you may have also survived that experience and learned something invaluable that has served you well ever since.

The death of our wives certainly ranks at the top of the list for our worst experiences. And it is hard to compare to any other event, because the intensity and longevity of the pain and grief outstrip almost any other painful or shocking experience we might have.

However, like the loss of a job, friend or house… the loss of your wife will over time teach each of us some new and important lessons which can help us to become stronger, more empathetic and better people. Knowing this can help us to realize that our state of being during the first months and years, does not need to dominate our lives going forward.

A good place to start is to look back and ask, “What did I learn:

from her?

from our good and bad experiences?

from our successes and failures? and

from her death?”

After she is gone, we may ask ourselves difficult questions, sometimes in self-blaming, regretful, and remorseful ways that can lead to tailspins into unhealthy and depressing thoughts that only deepen our painful journey.

By reflecting on tough questions, we realize we've learned a lot and can continue learning in the future.  We can apply these lessons as we help others as well as ourselves.

Since the death of my wife and after writing my book, Widower to Widower, I have interacted with thousands of widowers who actively strive to help their fellow-widowers and community. Often, they are inspired by the lives of their wives, who frequently served as models of empathy and love for others.

These widowers may offer peer support for widowers, volunteer at local hospices or hospitals, help others with chores, read to housebound elderly, make deliveries to those unable to go to the store, clean up their neighborhoods, contribute to area nonprofits, offer skills (e.g. bookkeeping, marketing, writing, etc) to area groups, and much more. It is simply amazing how many ways we can help others.

I can tell you from personal experience that these opportunities provide wonderful rewards, including love and appreciation. This in turn can give our reinvented lives a new sense of purpose and meaning which can help us to appreciate even more what we have learned from our wives though they are no longer with us.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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If you were as well trained as I was, you learned early on in your marriage to always put the toilet seat down! There is nothing that can earn the wrath of your wife more than going to the bathroom in the dark at night and sitting down on a piss-wet cold toilet base… because you left the toilet seat up! And if she was a small-butt gal she could even fall in.

Like me, most of you probably learned quickly that if you ever expected her to forgive you, much less have intimate moments with you again, that you damn well better remember to put the toilet seat down!

However, after she passed you might have that eureka moment when you realize that you no longer have to put the toilet seat down. In fact, there may be several “trained behaviors” that you may now change or leave in the rear-view mirror.

Some examples include:

Making the bed each morning

Washing the dishes after each meal

Picking up your clothes and towels off the floor

Vacuuming regularly

BUT, and this is a big but, you may feel that every time you ignore these trained behaviors that you are betraying your wife. Aren’t these behaviors evidence of the positive impact she had upon your life? Aren’t these behaviors proof of her ability to help you transform from a troglodyte into a respectable human being?

While there may be some truth to these observations, you may be able to find a happy medium where you are not quite so anal about adhering to these rules while retaining the more meaningful of them.

It is important that we keep the foundation of our being that we built during our long marriage with a wonderful woman who helped us to become the best version of ourselves. And ditching all the good behaviors we learned can seem like turning our back on her.

I always recommend that we learn to remember, honor and love her as we move forward in our lives. Holding onto the best of what we learned from our time with her is one way to do this. But do you have to be anal about it? I don’t think so. Be kind to yourself and allow some flexibility in your approach to life going forward.

Do you need to put the toilet seat up every time? Hell no! Do you have to make the bed every morning? Heck no!. Do you need to wash the dishes every time you eat? Are you kidding?

But, if your house is becoming a pig stye, your sink is full of unwashed dishes, your floor is littered with dirty clothes… well then you probably need to take a hard look at both your mental and physical health. Please talk to a qualified grief therapist if you find yourself going down this road very far.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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This is the second of two articles on topics often seen as taboo. Failing to confront important topics only makes our ability to heal even more difficult than it already is. Part 1 dealt with Suicidal Thoughts. Part 2 article deals with Sexual Desires During Grieving, including: constant arousal and masturbation.

If you were fortunate enough to still share intimate moments with your wife before she passed, there is a good chance that you could experience intense desires for intimacy within days of her dying. And this can easily continue for months or even years.

It does not matter if you are 30 or 70 years old. If you still have the ability and testosterone to perform sexually, age is not a factor. I can testify that these intense desires for the touch of a woman and for the sexual act can easily exceed what you felt when you were 16 years old!

Realizing that this is normal allows you to diminish the guilt and self-condemnation that may haunt you because of your desires and actions. Also, knowing this should help you to confront and then manage manifestations of this craving. This can help you to avoid some risky behaviors and relationships that might lead to more regrets and self-punishing behavior.

This desire for sexual release is often referred to as Widower’s or Widow’s Fire… and yes, it does affect women as well. In a blog appearing on the website thewidowshandbook.com, the author states:

“ Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.
 
“When we lose our partner… we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive.”
 
“What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone.”

Sex is a topic that widowers often have difficulty discussing with each other, much less with friends, family, or even therapists. And yet, it needs to be addressed. Why? Because so many of us have so much trouble dealing with the topic.

It does not matter whether you are impotent or acting like a bull elk during rutting season. Either way, it can be a psycho-emotional and physical issue that is especially disconcerting during the deep grieving cycle in the first 6 – 12 months after your wife passes.

During my grieving, I found the sudden re-emergence of sexual desires to be especially troubling. It often would disrupt my ability to think straight, adding to my already challenging evenings when loneliness and a desire for companionship would become super-accentuated. You can easily fall into relationships that are unhealthy and potentially damaging to your physical and mental health.

A friend of mine, Maryann Karinch, wrote an article, Sex After Your Partner Dies for Psychology Today that addresses this topic. Her article provides “helpful insights for those craving intimacy in widowhood.”

Her key points are:

It's normal for people to miss sex and intimacy with a dying or recently deceased partner.

Friends and therapists may find it uncomfortable to initiate a discussion about sex after widowhood.

The loss of a partner can erode self-confidence, which can initially make it difficult to start anew sexually.

Rather than repeating all of the points made in her article, I am providing the link to it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/healthy-connections/202107/sex-after-your-partner-dies

Maryann (who is a prolific writer with her name appearing on the cover of 33 books) added the following on the sensitive topic of masturbation:  

“You’re vulnerable after losing your spouse, and masturbation can fulfill an acute need for feel-good hormones—dopamine and oxytocin are key—while protecting you from an

impulsive physical relationship. Think of it as part of your coping toolkit rather than the

single tool you rely on to feel better. Masturbation is healthy if your healing strategy also

includes things such as dinner with friends, going to the gym, and, yes, social events to

meet people with whom you might eventually be intimate. But if you often think, “When

can I do it again?” that’s when it becomes disruptive and you need to chat with a

therapist.”

You may never have experienced anything quite like this and it is hard to explain these feelings to others. Add this to our already sleep-deprived and troubled emotional state, and you have a toxic mix that can lead to mistakes that disrupt or permanently ruin your relationships with family, friends, and/or workmates.

If these are issues that you are dealing with, please read these and other articles and take what you can from them. I always advise my readers to find what resonates for them and learn from that and then let go of the parts that don’t work for them.

I hope some of you who are suffering as I did during my deep grieving will find some helpful information and thoughts in this article. If you continue to struggle, please reach out to a therapist to help guide you through this.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

Website:Fred Colby, Author

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Most widowers, even the more extroverted of us, tend to shy away from discussing topics that seem too personal, too sensitive, or just plain uncomfortable. As men, we are trained to keep these things to ourselves. So we just don’t discuss them privately or in public. The negative effects of this are bad enough during normal times… but much worse when we become a self-isolated, lonely, grieving widower wallowing in our sorrow and thoughts at home.

Our failure to acknowledge and discuss these topics can lead to:

misinterpretation of what is happening to us,

fear of how others will react to us,

misunderstanding of our natural reactions to our experience, and

depression with subsequent destructive behaviors.

So, let’s get these out in the open here, and acknowledge them… that is the first step to healing and regaining some sense of confidence, and feeling whole again.

The topics I will address this two part series are:

Suicidal thoughts

Sexual Desires During Grieving including:

Constant arousal and masturbation

Suicidal Thoughts

(Editor’s note: If you are in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Lifeline provides confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat.)

Gene Myers wrote in USA Today Network – New Jersey about why the risk of suicide is so much higher among older men in the U.S. He cited experts who say it reflects a pattern of growing isolation as men age. “Experts warn that men face a disproportionate threat. They are the most likely group to die by suicide.”

Based on recent data, men in the U.S. died by suicide about four times the rate of women – 22.9 per 100,000 compared with 5.9 per 100,000 (CDC statistics). And men over the age of 75 have the highest rate of suicide by a wide margin (43.9 per 1000).

As I have mentioned often before, we men tend to have few if any close male friends when we lose our wives. Many of us are retired from jobs that were the primary source of our friends and acquaintances. These usually fall away after we retire or become widowers. If we are not active in our community or church, it is difficult to develop new friendships as our work friends fade away.

We often have become overly reliant upon our wives as our one and only close friend who has become our sole companion at home and in outside activities. Without her spurring us on we frequently choose the lazy path, sitting at home by ourselves watching television or piddling around the home doing small chores. The Survey Center on American Life calls this the “friendship recession.”

It is difficult for widowers to reach out to others, to find and sign up for new activities, to begin from scratch while trying to build new friendships with both women and men. We often avoid discussing our struggles, but doing so is essential for healing and building supportive relationships as we move forward in life.

We may not recognize the emotional isolation that often builds quietly over time until we find ourselves completely cut off from everyone and everything. This can lead to suicidal thoughts including a sense of hopelessness, increasing sleeplessness, bad eating habits, and/or increased use of alcohol or drugs.

To overcome this challenge, we must do some things that are uncomfortable for many of us, such as:

reaching out to others for help – talking to friends and family, meeting with a grief therapist, joining a Men’s Grief Group,

signing up for special interest or activities groups in your area – Meetup.com is a good resource for this, reading groups, sports activities groups, dancing groups, educational groups, etc.,

volunteering in areas that interest you such as your local library, food bank, hospice, hospital, food delivery programs for seniors, etc., or

becoming active in your church if you belong to one, teaching Sunday school, helping with the yard maintenance or bookkeeping, etc.

·         Forming a group of single men in your area who get together on a weekly or monthly basis just to have coffee, a beer, or dinner together. I and four other guys formed our “Beer and Bull” group five years ago and are still meeting every month. It takes time and effort to form these groups, but it is worth it.

If you reach out and talk to others, you are likely to be surprised by how many of them will genuinely want to help. And one sure-fire way to help yourself is TO HELP OTHERS! This gets you outside of yourself and your own problems, which are likely to diminish if you are involved with helping others.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

Order direct from Amazon

See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower

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During our early stages of discombobulated, slightly psychotic, and often delusional widower behavior, we may find ourselves reacting inappropriately in public, private, and even intimate settings. These may cause intense emotional pain, self-condemnation, and further isolation. Others, knowing that you are suffering, may let it go. But you may be punishing yourself by revisiting your self-perceived “cringe-worthy” behaviors over and over again.

Because we may feel that we are going off-track at times, we become fearful of interacting with others as we are well aware that we may react with anger, confusion, or deep pain to:

simple comments (e.g. How are you doing?),

inane comments (e.g. She is in a better place now.),

ignorant suggestions (e.g. Why don’t you sign up for a dating site?),

hurtful statements (e.g. If you had prayed more maybe she would have lived longer.),

intrusive statements (e.g. How much money and debts do you have now?),

assertive statements (e.g. You just sit down, and I will take care of everything.)

You cannot possibly anticipate the many variations of these that may crop up. And you cannot prepare yourself for the infinite variety of things that can suddenly disrupt your day and send you spiraling down a grief vortex that may seem impossible to escape. I especially experienced this during the first three months after my wife, Theresa, passed in 2015.

As you progress through your grief you will find that it becomes easier to ignore or at least minimize the impact of these statements. The best way to speed up this part of the healing process is to meet these challenges head on. If you have a strategy going in, it is easier to avoid going off the deep end when surprised by some comment or question.

The repercussions of our behavior can be devastating if they result in broken relationships with family or friends, loss of confidence, self-isolation, fear of interactions with anyone, and a loss of control over our thoughts and sanity. Once you start down this path it is tempting to just bury yourself in your grief and refuse to interact with anyone else. This only aggravates the worst of your symptoms and makes it incredibly difficult to exit your grief.

If you find yourself in this situation, try to recognize your need for help. This may include:

Joining online website and Facebook Men’s Grief Organizations (see my Resource page for more information: https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks )

Participating in Grief Groups, preferably Men’s Grief Groups, if you can find one in your area

Signing up for one-on-one counseling with an experienced grief therapist (it does not matter whether this person is a man or woman…. both can help)

Reading blogs, articles, and books on the topic (again please see my Resource links)

All of these steps help you to realize that you are not alone, that what you are going through is normal, and that you will eventually pull out of this deep grieving.

Anyway, you get the idea. Take a deep breath, and then respond directly, and politely as possible to any comments that offend you. Ask others to please tell you the memories they have of your wife. This can be fun and eye-opening as you learn things about her that are new to you. If you take this approach, you will be able to better communicate with your friends and family and not fear that you will ruin your relationship with them.

Whatever you do, please do not self-isolate in your home for months on end. I know people who took this route and found it increasingly difficult to pull out of it. Months can easily turn into years with broken relationships increasingly difficult to repair.

I know it is difficult to take the steps I have recommended above, but I know thousands of widowers who have taken these steps and it helped them to heal and to eventually even enjoy life again.

Good luck my friends.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

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As I sit here on the deck of a beautiful cabin set in Colorado’s White National Forest, I cannot help but think back to my visit here ten years ago, almost to the day. That visit was about ten days after my wife had passed after a six-month battle with uterine cancer.

I was not in a good mental or emotional place then, and knew that if I stayed home, it would be difficult to confront my grief while surrounded by well-meaning and loving friends and family. My instincts told me that I needed some time alone to process my grief. Somewhere where I could meet it head on. I told my daughters of my plan to escape for a few days, and let them know that I would check-in with them on a daily basis as I knew they were concerned about my state of mind.

At the cabin I was separated from all others by miles instead of feet. This meant that I could:

scream at the top of my lungs as often as I felt the need,

sob and cry as much as I wanted,

contemplate all the regrets and doubts I had,

try to reconcile my desperation for intimate physical contact with my deceased wife despite the fact that she was gone and we would never ever have that again,

read and consider books and articles about the widower experience that I brought with me, and

take aimless wandering hikes through beautiful forests while allowing the grief to permeate every nook and cranny of my being.

While there I had many one-sided conversations with my deceased wife, trying to understand why she was gone, why God would punish me this way, why she went first, why we had not recognized the seriousness of her illness earlier, and why this hurt so damned much. I also had many fears about my future without the steadying and encouraging role she played in my life.

The first three days at my hide-away were pure hell as the grieving dominated my every moment. The next two days were spent mentally accepting this new reality that was now my world, a world without Theresa forever going forward. And finally, during my last two days at the cabin I began to consider how I might move forward in both grieving and healing.

The pain did not go away because of this trip, but it did begin to moderate some. I stopped trying to deny or fight the grieving. Instead, I began to welcome grief and to proactively define it as my way to remember, honor, and love this wonderful wife of mine who had shared forty-five years of her life with me.

This allowed me to learn from and absorb what I discovered from reading all of the books and articles that I could find on the experience. (Most importantly I learned how little there was out there to help widowers… resulting in my writing the book Widower to Widower).

This experience also allowed me to begin turning my attention to supporting my two daughters, two sons-in-law, four grandchildren, Theresa’s family, and five siblings as they too processed their grief. Together we all helped each other to understand and to heal.

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation, even if it has been months since her passing, or even if you find yourself stuck in grief a year or two later… please consider escaping for at least a few days so you too can confront your grief and begin the healing process.

© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby

All rights reserved

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Fred Colby is the author of:

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