Amiira Ruotola (-Behrendt)'s Blog

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This past Friday we were delighted to appear on The View with Jenny McCarthy and Football (and Silver Linings Playbook) Superstar DeDean Jackson. 

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Kiss and Tell with Greg & Amiira

But Greg and Amiira, I Have Questions!What The Hell Is Wrong With Men?

Dear Greg and Amiira,

What the hell is wrong with men?  Seriously!  Every boyfriend I've ever had starts off as this amazing guy who without fail becomes a different person.  You know how people say that, "He pulled back the mask and showed his true self?" That has happened to me a few times. I don't mean that the guys I dated were evil but more like they went from being attentive, romantic, reliable to inconsistent, unreliable and lazy.  Hour long phone calls become a text that says, "wassup?" plans to go do something become me waiting around for hours not knowing where he is then when he finally shows up I'm mad and he puts it on me that there's a "vibe" between us when we go out. What gives?  Is this a case of taking me for granted or just they were just not that into me? I'm really frustrated and don't want to attract and waste time on these kinds of guys.
Sincerely,
Kyra

Dear Kyra,

I'm so happy you asked this question because I totally relate.  I've had that same thing happen to me before I was married when I was still dating or in other various states of relationships.  It is totally frustrating, I feel you.  I also want to admit that it can even happen in marriages.  Dynamics just do shift in relationships and being taken for granted absolutely does happen but there's an element of it that is dependent on you.  Stay with me because I'm about to go on a round about way to analogy city with this concept.  You ready?
You're a bad boyfriend owner...and you're NOT ALONE.  I was a bad boyfriend owner and even a bad husband owner.  My girlfriend hipped me to this idea and it completely resonated with me.  You know how when you come home and a dog jumps all over you and then you give it a treat to make it settle down, go away or distract it so you can have a minute?  And you think you're training it to leave you alone BUT ACTUALLY you're training it to keep jumping up on you to get treats.  You can turn any good dog into a bad dog by reinforcing bad behavior even if it is NOT your intent.  Just like you can turn any good boyfriend into a bad boyfriend (or husband) by reinforcing displeasing behavior with rewards.  I'm NOT saying that men are dogs, I'm just saying that you teach people what is acceptable to you.  If you're boyfriend doesn't show up, make the effort or do what he said he would do, then it's up to you to communicate to him that it doesn't fly.  If you give him the treats without giving him the conversation about what you need from him (to be on time, call when he says, make the effort, etc..) you're actually reinforcing the idea that it's okay for him to not come through for you, be unreliable or be a bad boyfriend.   I want to clarify that I'm not talking about using sex as a weapon, being unforgiving or being a bitch.  I'm encouraging you to speak up, communicate openly and ask for what you want instead of growing silent resentments or unknowingly help your boyfriend along the path to taking you for granted.

Amiira xx

In It's Just A F***ing Date there's a section in the book called but Greg and Amiira, I Have Question! Where we take the opportunity to answer some of the more interesting questions sent to us.  So assuming life doesn't get too in the way, we're going to try answering questions here weekly.  Some weeks you'll get Greg, some weeks you'll get me, others both of us answering your questions. You get the picture, no need to over explain is.  Anyway here goes. I'm at bat this week.
Dear Greg and Amiira,Here's the deal, I've always been the kind of woman to say that men SUCK... pretty much all the time.  That's just been my experience.  I've been blown off, cheated on, lied to and treated like shit by men who proclaim to care about be.  Basically my faith in men, love and a good relationship is gone. I took a year sabbatical from the opposite sex and now that my biological clock is getting close to ticking I have to open myself up to getting hurt again dating.  I'm scared shitless and I think I come off as really unapproachable because my wall is so high.  How do I put myself out there when I'm still such a scaredy cat?

Emmafrom cyberspace

Dear Emma,
First let me say that I am truly sorry for the long crappy relationship road that you've travelled down so far.  It sucks giant balls.  There's no way around it and the men you were dating were amateurs and adolescents.  Many of them are, hell most of them are until they meet someone that makes them want to be a better man.  You just haven't found the guy who has his life changing moment when he sees your face.  Which is a GOOD THING.  Know why?  Because you are a glacier right now.  There's now way he could melt that ice surrounding your heart.  But you did the right thing, you took a vacation from putting yourself in harms way to recharge you batteries and mend your scraped knees.  How do you put yourself back out there?  By remembering that the things we value the most are those that we've worked hard for and earned.   The long path up shitty boyfriend hill is you earning your way to a meaningful, lasting love where you are singularly adored and appreciated.  The broken woman who fought her way back and put her fragile heart back out there is the beginning to the kick ass story that your best friend tells as her toast at your wedding.
Amiira xx

What an incredible start to the new year this has been.  This past Friday January, 3rd our Lifeclass with Oprah aired for the first time and we were completely floored by all the wonderful feedback we got from the amazing people who watched it.  Below is a link from one of my favorite moments from the Lifeclass "How to Ask a Man Out Without Asking."  



How To Ask a Man Out Without Asking

ALERT!!  Starting this week, every Thursday Greg and I will be answering a few questions on this page. So if you have any to ask…leave a comment here and we'll get back to you the best we can.  BUT GREG AND AMIIRA, I'VE GOT QUESTIONS starts this week!!

Hello Beautiful People.We've got some big news on the bubble.  We're heading off to Chicago to tape a Lifeclass with Oprah in a few weeks.  Join us in the Oprah Social Lab.  The excellent producers at Harpo are scouring for questions and guests at this very moment.  


Single men and women:
Tell us your dating dilemmas! Log on Dec. 4At 4:30 p.m. CT and 7 p.m. CT, watch and participate in live tapings with relationship expert Iyanla Vanzant andIt's Just a F***ing Date authors Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola.
Start Social Lab Prep for Greg and Amiira's tapingLog on Dec. 4Live tapings at 4:30 p.m. CT and 7 p.m. CTLatest EpisodeOprah and Brené Brown on Living BravelyVulnerability and Daring GreatlyBrené Brown

Goodreads Q & A Happening!
Ask Greg and Amiira Tuesday, September 3rd
Quick!  Jump over to Goodreads and ask us a question.  Doesn't even have to be about dating! Honest.We'll tell you what we had for breakfast if that's what you want to know.
On another note, one of the foxy gals over at Diversion Books (our shiny new publisher) asked Greggers and I to make a video sharing what our first date was like.  To be truthful, she asked us to do that about a month ago but life has a way of getting in the way sometimes and derailing us from the good intentions of checking things off of our To Do List.  So in the tradition of better late than never, here's our first date story...

Hey everyone!  I have to tell you that our Google Hangout yesterday with Tim from 40 Days of Dating was really cool.  Sadly, Jessica was stuck in a Mexican airport with crappy WiFi so she couldn't connect with us and was sorely missed.  If you missed the hangout where we chatted it up, you can watch it at your leisure on You Tube here It's Just A F***ing Date/40 Days of Dating Some Sort of Hangout About Dating or HERE!


By the way, we've never looked better than in this screenshot.

Greg and I are super excited to announce that we're going a Google Hangout this Friday, August 16th at 11am PST with Timothy Goodman and Jessica Walsh of 40 Days of Dating.  You can link directly to it here:  It's Just A F***ing Date/40 Days of Dating Google Hangout.  If you haven't checked out Timothy and Jessica's blog 40 Days of Dating you really should.   Not only have they submersed themselves in this incredible experiment to try to better understand themselves and break their past relationship bad habits but they are both are such cool artists themselves so the visual design elements of their website are ridiculous!  We can't wait to talk dating with them. What do you do when you’re tired of the prospect of dating? Two good friends with opposite relationship problems found themselves single at the same time. As an experiment, they dated for 40 days.

Hi Friends!Greg and I are so excited to be releasing It's Just A F***ing Date this week.We're even featured on the Hot This Week slider on the front page of the iBookstore.Now it has to be said that downloading books didn't exist when we put out our last book so we're really thrilled to be living in the future now and can't wait to be issued our new spacesuits.I'm hoping mine is flattering and Greg's got his fingers crossed for something in a smart argyle.Greg and I will be posting here regularly and taking questions when we can so let us know what you think of the new book when you've had a chance to download and read it on your smart devices.
IT'S JUST A F***ING DATE is now available for pre-order on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/its-just-a-f***ing-date/id662918797?ls=1