Rajat Chakraborty's Blog

It took me many many years to realize this… 

And perhaps this is my biggest visceral realization till date….

Almost everyone has probably heard of the quote from the scriptures of Bhagavad Gita and other holy textbooks “You have a right to perform your prescribed duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions”. 

For the longest time I can remember, I’ve been trying to influence and manipulate outcomes directly — by way of effort, behavior, strategy, cleverness, etc. 

However, what I completely missed was that we don’t control the outcome/results of anything. 

Outcomes/results arise from the seeds of sincerity, purity, and genuine-ness. 

If you do something in order to get X — the universe detects this ‘ulterior motive’ and jinxes the outcome. 

It may sound crazy, but I’ve actually tested this first-hand. 

I wrote 15 cold emails to founders across the world. 

The emails that had a great script/offer, strategic ppt to “sell myself” – didn’t drive as much engagement and response as did my emails that had no script – no elaborate ppt – no trying to “sell” myself 

It had – an aura of genuineness, and sincerity. It felt “true” – as if I didn’t care about the outcome at all but I’m just reaching out because I really liked you / your product / culture / values. These emails got the most engagement. 

And funny enough, these emails took the LEAST EFFORT. It happened spontaneously, organically, and instinctively. 

Crazy! I thought to myself. All these years I’ve been trying to put in “effort” to try and manipulate outcomes! 

But if I may be completely honest, I had arrived at sincerity, and purity, several times in my journey. But none of it lasted.. 

It’s as if, the mind inadvertently moves towards pleasure and the addiction to that “certain” outcome that we seek. 

And the more desperately we seek it, the farther it moves away from us. The more the outcome/result is “jinxed” by the universe. 

We are not entitled to anything… 

If you want to pursue something, do it.. 

If you don’t want to.. don’t do it, 

But to pursue something… in order to get X, 

Is most likely going to fail. And cause enormous strife.. 

As I’ve observed in my own endeavors…. 

In our society, men are supposed to pursue women, right?

But I have never really pursued anyone.. 

Even the one relationship that I had, she was the one who pursued me. 

It’s kinda weird… 

Why is it that I find it soo hard, to go and talk to someone I like, or ask for her number? 

Firstly, I think the girls that caught my attention were very few.. 

Secondly, I don’t think I’ve ever been fully present in the moment.. to have the nerves and be talking.. closing … 

I’ve always been kinda jittery.. anxious.. with a mind that has more often been in the future, than in the present. 

What do I need to achieve? in order to have a happy and successful relationship? This has always been the pertinent question that has been at the back of my mind. 

Since I have never been there.. And I don’t think I’ll ever be (because I keep raising the bar for myself) And I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with myself.. Until I become world-class, utterly blissful, attract a lot of money, make a name for myself.. achieve the highest things possible in my craft.. etc. 

These things are just an ongoing journey. I don’t think I’ll ever be “enough” in my own eyes.. 

You may have heard “the most important relationship is the relationship we have with ourselves..” 

I’d say.. the most imp relationship is the relationship we have with our spirit. 

When the spirit is happy, we are blissful. When we are blissful, people around us notice. 

The problem is.. it’s hard to differentiate between the mind and the spirit.. 

Say if I find a girl attractive at first glance – is that my mind or the spirit? 

Why is it important? Well, because the mind cannot be satisfied. There’s no dearth of “hot” girls, so as to speak. 

But the heart… it absolutely senses a “connection”. Many people refer to it as “vibe”. 

Yeah, I’m more of a “vibe” person.. but I’m also an over-thinker. 

I wish I could live my life without any thoughts.. And perhaps one day, I will. 

When we are lost in the moment.. we have no thoughts.. And in such moments, we are the most blissful. 

Perhaps the reason why I overthink is for my desire to be liked? or fear of being rejected? 

Honestly, idk.. 

I’m referring to simple things like.. ‘Hi.. how was your day?’

That’s the only line that was needed… when the cute girl sat next to me (intentionally) in a bus full of empty seats! 

Yet I stayed quiet.. Why? 

One part has definitely got to do with self-worth:

Guys identify their self-worth with how much they’re making, and how “well” they’re doing professionally. 

Women identify their self-worth with how pretty they are.  

Second part I think has got to do with the mind’s nature to seek “pleasure”. 

When we see someone we like, the mind senses a source of pleasure. 

It “hopes” for a certain outcome. 

But it doesn’t have to be this way… 

We can just express ourselves naturally, authentically.. without hoping for an outcome whatsoever 

So instead of playing checkers in our head.. we can just say what we feel, 

and let the universe dictate the outcome.. on its own terms. 

The greatest actions arise spontaneously…organically… when we are lost in the moment, without an identity  

The greatest outcomes arise spontaneously.. organically… too!

I’ve never really believed in the idea of ‘work’ as a transactional existence.. i.e. you do ‘work’ in order to get money in return.

Even as I’m building my own brand ‘Marketing Futurist’, I’m constantly thinking – how can I turn it into something that doesn’t feel like work at all! 

I’m reminded of the guy I met at Jispa – it was one of my most cherished solo trips ever! The person was a well-respected Ayurvedic doctor in the village, who also happened to own a homestay – nearby the place where I was staying. 

I walked up to his place and asked if he had anything to eat. 

He gave me a bowl of warm noodles to eat. As I finished eating, I asked him – 

“how much?” taking out my wallet 

“you can pay whatever you want”, he responded. 

No, no.. please tell me – how much should I pay you? you cooked and served it to me.. Please tell me a fair price that’d make your effort worthwhile. 

He said: I didn’t cook it for you; I cooked it for myself. Secondly, whatever you pay is fine with me.  

The guy was soo hesitant to take money from me. I was a bit taken aback to be honest.. 

Because the world where I come from, everyone runs after money. 

And here I am, with this guy.. who doesn’t give a f*ck. 

Hmm, interesting.. I thought to myself. 

Perhaps this was the way life was supposed to be. Effortless.

But what makes an action effort-less? 

The source from which it arises. 

The impetus for the action must arise from a source that is deep within your heart. No compromise. 

But what about commerce? 

You have to marry what you deeply, internally care about, with what other people want, or would want in the future. 

For instance, this writing would hardly attract money. Because I don’t know how it may benefit someone else. I do it purely to explore the deepest corners of myself. 

But my other writing, which got published in Malaysian Business Magazine, is a good example. 

It was a detailed, well-researched piece investigating the rise of AI influencers. 

Since many people care about AI, and influencer marketing, it picked up.

Did I lose myself while writing it? Absolutely. 

But it’s hard to make money from content alone, especially for a person of depth, like me. And hey, I do want to attract money… and a lot of it. 

I’m not “spiritual” by your definition… I’m just attuned to life. 

And, I care about “1/3rd” of my day. 

So what’s the way? To attract a lot of money.. And be absolutely blissed out while doing so? 

The core principle remains the same: you engage in something that comes from the deepest reservoirs of your heart and natural desires. While making sure that what you’re engaging in is wanted or will be wanted by a lot of people in the future. 

And for me, it’s emotional resonance. And human connection — in the world of AI. 

I know, as a matter of fact, that a LOT of people will want this in the future. 

As more and more people begin to use AI, they’ll all sound the same. 

And consumers don’t pay attention to that which looks, feels, and sounds the same – let alone engaging and buying. 

I believe the future of marketing is human-first. Everyone can use AI but no one else can be you.

And that’s the direction I’m now pursuing at Marketing Futurist. 

Y’know, when I was working at Nintee as a marketer, I asked myself: there are so many marketers out there, what is it that makes me unique?

I did not have an immediate answer back then but this question kept lurking at the back of my mind.

Later when I grew Nintee’s instagram page to 100k and Paras (the founder) asked me to delegate its entire operations to interns and contractors, I could not replace myself in a particular area.

There were many content writers and scriptwriters, but none who could write in a way that would emotionally connect with our audience.

That’s when it hit home! I’ve always been great at connecting with people at an emotional level. In other words, I can make people “feel” a certain way.

And emotional connection precedes all forms of human influence. At Nintee, I just happened to discover it first-hand.

Y’know, there are things inside each of us that make us truly unique. One-of-a-kind. (But how many times do we come across individuals that are one-of-a-kind?)

Upon observing myself closely and my patterns, I have discovered that I seek to understand people subconsciously. (This is a choice-less behavior. There is no effort involved.)

This understanding naturally leads to specific behaviors, actions, and communication that resonates at an emotional level.

And this resonance leads to influence. Every single time. Like magic!

This is my uniqueness.

So, tell me, what makes you unique?

Now

One of the things that has been lurking at the back of my mind is this idea of arrival. And me getting pulled into different directions without having arrived, and possibly not being on the path to arrive ever, either! 

What does it mean to arrive? Well, for starters, we’re all on a chase. We do things in order to get something. And when we get it, we do something else to get something else. This process continues till our dying day, never having the potential to satisfy our heart’s longing. 

But everyone is seeking something. Otherwise you wouldn’t be doing the things that you do. 

I took some time to think about what that arrival means for me. What I’ve been seeking all these years… 

Turns out, I care about learning the most, and want to become an influence architect. 

I want to design and conduct my own experiments to learn and profit from. I need to have full control over the project, otherwise I’ll not be able to learn the truth, that I so desperately seek now. 

In order to fully immerse (read lose) myself in the above, I need passive income, enough to cover my living expenses, and a little more. That passive income needs to be stable, reliable.

I can’t get into a soul-sucking full-time job and attempt to be an influence architect on the side, because I’ll have no energy or inspiration left. (Unless I find a stable job with good work-life-balance. But stability is a myth imo. And stable jobs bore me tbh.) 

So what’s the way? 

I need an active income for financial stability. Business income is too unpredictable and unstable. 

Parallelly, I need to productize myself – build unique products that I can sell at scale. This will give me the passive income that I need. 

When my passive income > active income, I’ll be in a position to become a full-time influence architect. 

What’s Next? 

At Nintee, I discovered how I’m unique. This was a game-changing discovery because now I can double down on what I can uniquely do well. 

Post Nintee, I’ve also had the desire to do something global. Did not really know what though. So started freelancing for international clients.  

Also got offered a 50-50 business opportunity with an entrepreneur based/established in the US.

It did not feel quite right because he was already too busy with his other/established business and we’re at different stages of life: he’s more of an investor/advisor/mentor to me. 

I also noticed a gap in the market. A lot of people were looking for help in marketing but weren’t really sure whom to hire, what to do, and where to find genuine /the right talent who could really help them. 

And they didn’t have the budget to hire a head of growth/marketing but needed the skills/strategic knowledge. So I started themarketingfuturist.com

This is essentially, very similar to my last marketing services venture, sagevm, except that the focus is entirely on foreign/international clients and full-stack marketing/growth services instead of just “youtube” or “influencer” as was the case in my previous venture.  

While venturing out into providing marketing services, I also noticed the demand for reddit marketing quite strong. Almost every brand today wants to be on Reddit – a skill which I happened to pick up at Nintee. I’ve been thinking of ways to productize this (along with a builder friend of mines). 

Leaving Nintee 

Having worked with Paras for more than a year and a half, actually felt like a luxury 5 star hotel experience. (As described in one of my posts) 

Unfortunately, Paras’s vision changed – what started from health coaching and seemed potentially very impactful, turned into making games – which I frankly did not resonate a lot with. 

Moreover, after a lot of iterations, the company became solely focused on achieving product-market fit. 

Testing different product concepts, and iterating towards retention and engagement, became the main priority. 

So what else would I do other than leaving? 

Yes, Paras didn’t fire me. I fired myself. 

I think he was far too kind in wanting me to stay despite marketing not having anything significant to do. 

Joining Nintee 

After shutting shop, I decided to explore the NFT / crypto / bitcoin space. As a consumer behavior enthusiast, it was beyond my mind to understand why someone would pay crores of rupees for a digital art online, on the blockchain. I became really curious and dabbled in NFTs for a while, before getting rug-pulled (scammed) which became quite a common phenomenon. I learnt that the people who were drawn to the space, majority of them, actually are in the space to “get rich quick”. 

That’s why you’ll find a lot of Nigerians in the web3 space. Because web3 offers a LOT of money. High demand, less supply. Community managers in web3 make upwards of $100k. At one point, I was also swayed to join an Indian web3 company as a community manager. 

Thank god, I didn’t make it. Otherwise, I would have hated my job. 

Luckily, I came across Paras’s hiring tweet. 

Though he was hiring only developers, I cold emailed him, and got an offer to join him as a marketer. 

Shutting SageVM 

But in my mind, I always cared about results and the outcome. 

The differentiator b/w me and other service providers was that I was able to “guarantee” outcomes. Until, the youtube algorithm changed. 

Then I could no longer guarantee anything. And suddenly, I became like many other service providers. 

And something in me, cannot stand competition. I don’t want to be just “another” player. 

If everyone else is doing the same things as I, there’s something fundamentally wrong. 

Because I was born unique. I have unique talents in me. Therefore, my offering must be unique. 

It should be something that no one else is able to do as good as me. 

Since I did not know what that was, and didn’t want to be “just another” player, I shut shop. 

Another reason was that I felt enslaved by my clients, by my team. I did not want to scale a service-based business. 

Starting SageVM

After my consulting gigs, it was clear to me that I could drive results for businesses in marketing. However, by working as a “freelancer” in India, my perceived value was low, despite being able to drive results. So I decided to market myself as an agency. Now, I could hire people and delegate tasks “legally” and “officially”. 

But as it turned out, these clients were still dependent on me for results. Because I sold it to them, not my team. 

So whenever something went wrong, or the client had a problem, they reached out to me, not my team. 

Later I understood that I’m not really in the services business. I’m in the reliability business. 

They wanted to work with someone they could rely upon. 

Consulting

My learning from SDI was that I didn’t really like “selling”. I liked helping people decide for themselves. Moreover, I was clear that a short sales cycle wasn’t really my cup of tea. It required incessant follow ups, which I frankly felt was annoying from the customer’s POV. 

So I decided to explore marketing next. Took up a 6 months offline marketing course. Again, I didn’t really enjoy the “ads” part. But I loved the organic, content, and “storytelling” part. 

During the midst of this course, a few companies approached me for help in marketing. And since I was interested in diving deeper into marketing, I took up those opportunities without thinking about the pay. 

Turned out, I really benefited them. 

Book Writing 

Before writing the book, I used to give a lot of gyaan. Honestly, I was, and perhaps still am, too full of myself. I think very highly of myself. I don’t know why. I don’t know whether this is ego or narcissism. But I remember giving a ton of unsolicited advise to people. And also advising much more than necessary. For instance, if someone asked me a question that could be answered in a line or two, I used to spend 30 mins explaining to him/her. I thought I was “helping” them – in reality, I was helping myself. My own ego. A line from my ex also struck me “if you give so much gyaan to people without them asking you for it, you reduce your own value”. She also gave me examples of how when some credentialed people from her family “IIT/IIM” started working for a non-profit, it was glorified. But when someone without such credentials joined a non-profit, they were looked down upon. So she advised me to establish myself first before giving out gyaan. I think there was some truth to what she said. 

But a part of me felt compelled to share my thoughts on self-awareness. Because for me, it was a big problem in the world. Like you’re going out in the world without even knowing anything about yourself? 

As I began my own journey to find myself, I decided to share my own observations, thoughts, and processes with whoever wanted to know / seek my advice. I thought writing a book on this subject would be a good way. 

Little did I know that a.) People don’t read books, and b.) No one is interested in self awareness. Everyone is just running away from themselves – perhaps I also did the same, by writing a book, and further glorifying my ego.  

SDI Part time

I joined SDI part time because after Acadview I wanted to explore front-facing roles like Marketing and Sales. And I was also writing my book at that time, and needed a part-time source of income. So SDI came at the perfect timing – I wrote my book and also did the job part-time. 

However, this job too quickly turned into slavery. There was a lot of monotonous repetition – doing the same things day in and day out – which I hated. At one point, the guy working with me / my colleague left, and they gave me all his leads to reach out. I felt that was really unfair. So I spoke with Saurabh (the founder) and left the company. 

I realized I hated short sales cycles, following up multiple times, and “convincing” people to buy something from me. 

Joining Acadview

I came across the opportunity at Acadview through the Jagriti Yatra network. My dad thought this trip was a waste of time and money. Turns out, I got a job through the same network. Sometimes, things play out in very unexpected ways. Sometimes, we just need to follow our instincts. Rather than following the world. 

Himanshu had massive credibility. Much more than Pulkit Gupta. He was a US return, worked at Google silicon valley for 10 years. I thought I could definitely learn much more from Himanshu compared to someone like Pulkit Gupta. Moreover, I could learn the best practices that he would have learned at Google. 

So, in a way, Himanshu has been the first mentor cum boss I’ve ever had. I worked my ass off to make Acadview successful, but when Varun left the company, I too lost interest. It also dawned upon me that “Operations” wasn’t really my cup of tea. I enjoyed interfacing with clients / students much more than staying in the back office and making processes and systems. 

I didn’t really care about the money that they were offering me. I think they offered me less than what I was getting paid at EzSwype. But since varun was a hard negotiator, I just accepted whatever they decided to pay me – since it was a startup, and frankly, my motivation was just to learn how startups work. 

I left Acadview when Himanshu told me that he’s planning to sell the company. I had no interest in moving to the acquiring company, Upgrad. He even tried luring me with equity and several times he offered me a higher paying job at Upgrad. I didn’t really want to move to a bigger company. I’m not sure why, but a “big company” never really attracted me. Perhaps because I always internally believed that a big company would have more rules, bureaucracy/hierarchy, and red tape. 

I always liked moving fast. Executing fast. Without having to wait for someone’s approval. Without having to take “buy-ins” from people. Without having to “convince” people to do something. If I wanted to do something, I wanted to have the position of responsibility to be able to do it. 

Joining EzSwype 

After the Grofers fiasco, this was the startup that offered me a full-time role at almost the same compensation, so I grabbed the opportunity without thinking too much. At this point, the role that I was hired for was the same role that I was offered at Grofers. But internally, I still did not know how I could add value to startups. I did a bunch of different things – whatever was required for the company to succeed. Along the way, I found out some things that I enjoyed doing and others that I didn’t really like so much. 

6 months down the line at EzSwype, I felt like a slave. Doing anything and everything, spreading myself too thin. Not learning and growing as much as I wanted. Plus, I believed that I was better than the founder – Pulkit Gupta himself. So why work for someone if I’m better than him? So I quit that slavery. 

Interning at Elitists 

They were supposedly a startup that came to our campus for hiring interns. At that point of time, I was interested in Entrepreneurship. For me, interning at The Elitists was a way to test out whether I’m a good fit for entrepreneurship / startups. After performing well there, I knew I was made for Entrepreneurship because I could work long hours and perform decently under pressure. 

College Life 

I wasn’t really sure what to do with my life when in college. My first instinct from school in ADIS, was to become a scientist. That instinct was quickly crushed when I sat for the classes on campus. It felt like the professors aren’t really interested in teaching at all. Nor were the students interested in learning – they were just interested to take notes and clear exams. So naturally, I began looking outside the classroom. I was drawn to Entrepreneurship and the business world. I don’t quite remember what drew me to it – perhaps it was the glamor and status? Perhaps it was the possibility to bring about a change that I care about? I’m not quite sure. But by the end of my experimentations in college, I was clear that I’m fascinated by the startup / entrepreneurship world.   

Chasing this and that…doesn’t lead to this and that 

Throughout my life, I’ve been taught to chase this and that. 

Study hard to get good grades.. 

Get good grades to get into a good college.. 

Get into a good college to get a good job.. 

Get a good job to get a good paycheck, and so on… 

I’ve been conditioned to do X in order to get Y 

In other words, I’ve always been on a chase. 

There’s nothing wrong with a chase, but if you seek satisfaction and effective-ness like me, 

you’d know (by your own experience) that it is the road to anxiety and ineffectiveness. 

When you do X, you’re constantly looking to see whether you’ve gotten Y. As a result, you’re in a perpetual state of anxiety. 

And because your focus is on Y, you cannot do an extraordinary job at doing X. 

It took me a long time to realize this.. To realise how things truly work… 

The truth is, when a thing is done for its own sake, it has a far greater chance of success.  

Recently, one of my articles got featured in a Malaysian business magazine…out of nowhere!

Funny thing, I only wrote two such articles and my email list only had 11 subscribers… 

I did not write them to be featured. I do remember being lost while writing them.. 

More recently, I was inspired by someone’s email marketing. His startup makes > 6 figures. 

I made a video talking about why his email was great. 

I did that out of inspiration, and he subscribed to my channel of 4 subscribers. Followed me on Twitter/X with 39 followers. 

Why would someone moderately successful subscribe to and follow a nobody? 

Doesn’t make any logical sense, right? 

That’s because things don’t function in the way we believe them to. 

I don’t know where results/outcome comes from. It certainly doesn’t come from ulterior motives… 

In fact, I think having ulterior motives in an activity actually jinxes the outcome. 

Many people come to me for advice. 

If I may be completely honest, I have no interest in ‘helping’ or ‘advising’ anyone. 

Because I don’t believe that humans can truly be helped by way of “advice”. 

Firstly, I’m too busy helping myself. I’m nowhere close to where I want to be. 

Secondly, most people just seek prescriptions:

“How do I..” 

“What should I..” and the likes… 

There’s nothing wrong with prescriptions, if only it worked…. The truth is, prescriptions keep you too busy in the “doings” 

All the while believing that you’re getting somewhere… 

It is not “hard work” or “effort” that gets you to where you want to go. It is the truth. 

But seldom does anyone seek the truth. 

I myself have wasted a number of years being lost in the doings.. 

Never having the availability to examine the truth about my situation… 

Think about it…if a person truly wanted to get somewhere, why would he ask someone else “what to do..” 

Why would he put his faith in someone else? 

The truth is everyone is alone in their own journey. 

No external agency can magically come and transform your life. 

If you really wanted to get somewhere, you’ll get there by hook or by crook. 

My advisory or help won’t be required. Believe me.

Perhaps the hardest thing to overcome is the beliefs and conditionings that are ingrained in us since childhood.

Because we just function according to it, without ever realising it.

Perhaps the most dangerous thing a parent can transfer to their child is their own beliefs and conditionings…

For instance, I was told that money is bad..that people who make a lot of money do so in unethical ways…that they’re always stressed out and miserable, and therefore you should not seek it.

What is the truth?

The truth is that money buys freedom. Freedom from the struggles of the worldly life. Money even prevents conflicts in relationships…

I was told that in order to make money, I have to “work hard” and put in a lot of “effort”.

What is the truth?

The truth is that hard work and effort is not even part of the equation.

I was told that I’m common…and that I’ve no talents worth pursuing…

What is the truth?

I have some unique talents, by virtue of being born unique, and it took me 7 years to find out.

7 f*cking years!

I had no confidence.. because I always believed that I’m common,

despite everyone else who has worked with me in the past telling me the complete opposite.

It took me quite a lot of number of years to undo these conditionings… to undo these beliefs.

The problem though, is that, these beliefs are “invisible”.

You can only get to them by way of questioning…and a deep desire to know the truth about you, your situation, your mind.

I would happily credit @Kapil Gupta MD for the much needed exposure!

As I was turning the pages of my self-awareness journal, I found that 8 years ago, I was struggling with career and money. 

8 years from then, as of today, I’m still struggling with career and money. 

A question arose within me — could it be possible that the journey that I’m on is just another chase?

Could it be possible that the journey that I’m on will not lead to any arrival at all?

What is it that I’ve been seeking all these years? And what did I find? 

To begin with, I did not know what I truly wanted. 

And even in the moments I did know, I kind of sidelined it, thinking it is too far fetched…and not practical…and won’t pay me money… 

What is the thing that I’ve been genuinely seeking. All these years? 

Learning. 

About the self. And about my craft. 

The former, I’m somewhat satisfied with; for I have found my uniqueness. My talent(s). 

The latter, I’ve led astray. For I believed that it is possible to learn in the world. From the people of the world. 

I believed that I could just work for a great boss (by great I mean someone who has achieved a lot) and learn from him. 

The problem with this approach is that first, your boss is a product of their environment and the culture that surrounds him. 

Everything that they say can only be picked up from the world. And that which is picked up from the world cannot be rare or otherworldly. It certainly cannot provide the elixirs to the craft. 

And if it cannot provide the elixirs to the craft, it can only be common. And I have no interest in the common. 

Secondly, there is no intent in this type of learning. You are being told to do this and that. What you are learning is in service of doing this and that. This and that is common…and the same thing that everyone else is doing.

This type of learning can certainly never make me a master. It can only make me a follower. And in being a follower, I will only become like everyone else. 

And in my heart of hearts, I know that I was born for greatness. 

And by greatness, I do not mean appearing on national television. 

By greatness, I mean truly figuring out the game. Learning all the secrets. The ins and outs of the game. So completely…that you’re able to own it on your fingertips. 

So that I can die with the peaceful realization, that nothing was left behind… 

That I have fulfilled my aim to learn everything about my craft. 

This is my true arrival… the end to all chases.

love

Have you ever loved someone? her mom asked

You’ve emotionally hurt her, and, you’re not as innocent as you’re acting right now. (she added)

Me thinking to myself: okay, uhmm, where exactly am I at fault?

she continues her rant..

You promised to meet her, but you didn’t. She’s heartbroken because of you.

She cries at night because of you.

She’s not speaking to any other guy…

Do you know how it feels to love someone so intensely?

You’re already 30, don’t you wanna get married at some point?

Don’t you need an emotional support?

You’re focused on your career right now, but I assure you that at some point you’ll regret. You’ll realize the need for an emotional support later in life.

hello..

Are you listening?

anything else? I responded

You’ll meet her.

so you’ll decide what I’ll do?

Why are you acting this way? I’m trying to be friendly..

I’m not interested in her.

Why?

Why are you not interested in her?

silence

I can’t force myself to like her.

But without meeting, how will you know?

silence

You’ve chatted with her first,

created a place for yourself in her heart,

and now you’re walking away?

You write books right? Write a book on how you’ve emotionally abused her..

…and her rant continued for about half n hour.

I kept listening silently, for the most part.

She had a lot of pain, in her voice…

I think a part of her just wanted to voice it.

This is why there were 28 missed calls from her — from the period Jan 2024 up until today.

A part of me just wanted to let her voice it.

Are you happy now, X’s mom?

I could tell you a lot of things, but I know it’d fall upon deaf ears.

Just like if I had shared this with my own parents.

Parents’ unknowingly do more harm than good…

Her mom made her soo weak, that she’s unable to deal with a rejection by her self?

Why would I want to be with a person who’s dependent on her mother?

Heck, I don’t even want to be friends with a person who can’t stand on her own two feet..

My parents’ have been ‘overtly’ helpful as well.. but idk if I’d classify it as ‘help’. I’ve always refused all kinds of “help” from them.

Indian parents, in particular, have a tendency to do far too much for their children.

They’re too blindsided by their own ego to see through the consequences of it.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever visit these arranged marriage websites again.

Firstly, the profiles declared as ‘self’ are actually managed by parents’. Or jointly, at best.

Secondly, it’s too transactional and outcome oriented.

What do I mean by outcome oriented? I mean it feels like you’re trying to force an outcome (i.e. marriage). It is not organic. It feels like a set-up for the outcome to happen. It does not feel genuine. At all.

This concept of get married first, fall in love later – doesn’t work for me, sorry.

And more so, the concept of attachment doesn’t work for me.

In most relationships, I just see attachment, not love.

I’m not very inspired by the relationship between my own two parents. Yet, I was born. Aha!

Trapped, much? Probably.

I just want to set myself free…

No, I’m not talking about death. I’m talking about freedom from my own mind…

I already suffer the pangs of it…

I can’t add relationships to the mix.

Do I want to get married? being free is more important to me..

Can’t I be free while being married? I think it’ll vastly depend on the person I’m being married to.

If the person is wise, and seeks wisdom, instead of the world, I’d have a far greater chance.

If the person seeks the world, there’s just no compatibility.

I seek to lose myself.

I’ve realised that there’s absolutely nothing that the world can provide me.

So, in the end, we’re left with our own experience of life.

And this experience cannot be 90% conflict, pain, suffering, emotional turmoil.

And relationships with attachment bring nothing but that.

My relationship with my younger brother is the one I cherish the most.

I need nothing from him.

He needs nothing from me.

It is a perfect relationship.

There are no conflicts…

And even when there is, it is resolved in the blink of an eye…

I can’t expect this sort of a relationship with worldly people..who seek a worldly life.

And I have no interest in convincing anyone either.

For, life is short. There’s just one chance… to make the most of it.

To spend the most of it in conflicts, is frankly, beyond me…