Sez Kristiansen's Blog

If you've discovered that you may be experiencing depersonalization (dpd) or a chronic dissociative disorder, you're likely searching for support and guidance.

It's important to note that often, you find what you're looking for online. If you're seeking validation for your feelings of disconnection, that is precisely what you will find. You can literally tell how well you're healing by how broad and holistic your questions become; dpd tends to make us narrow, limited and hopeless - exactly what gets reflected back.

It's crucial to avoid content that perpetuates depersonalization through continuous rumination and fear—these are the very elements that sustain it. I once came across a story of someone who lived with depersonalization for 30 years, and it plunged me into a state of fear that worsened my own condition. Dissociation fundamentally represents a split from one's self, though it's not a physical split you can detect on a CAT scan. It is a mental phenomenon - and all mental phenomenon exists as cells, and electrons moving across particular pathways - it's not one state of mind that overtakes everything else despite it feeling that way. Just ask yourself if you can feel dpd in the contact your foot makes with the ground...or if you can find dpd in the touch of clothing on your skin. There are many parts of you not dissociated right now.

Depersonalization stems from trauma, particularly complex trauma, showcasing the mind's remarkable capacity to protect us from uncontrollable events. While understanding the reasons behind it is useful, knowledge alone is not sufficient for healing.

Effective treatment regardless of symptom severity includes grounded, somatic embodiment therapies. Engaging in therapies that reconnect you to your body is essential, whether it's through cold water therapy, running, walking, or somatic experiencing. Focusing on embodied presence can significantly aid your healing journey.

Moreover, it's important to examine the part of ourselves that feels the pain and disconnection. Throughout my own healing journey, I relied heavily on non-duality principles. It was a profound realization: the self we feel disconnected from isn't fundamentally who we are. The self in pain and disconnection is merely a fractured and illusory part of the mind without true consequence.

Ask yourself: who is aware of your symptoms right now? Can you locate the self that observes this disconnection within? Is it behind your eyes, or is it a distinct entity from your body? You might discover, with some introspection, that besides the physical symptoms and fearful thoughts, there exists a clear awareness of them. This awareness is your path out of the disconnection.

Recognizing the subtle distinction between experiencing depersonalization and being aware of depersonalization is crucial.

This awareness can return you to a place of control over the dissociation that has otherwise dominated your thoughts. Turning towards bodily sensations can be incredibly healing. It disrupts the cycle of fear that continues from avoidance of your true feelings. By releasing the mental narratives, none of which hold truth or reality, you embark on a path to freedom.

Awareness itself remains untouched by experience and is the true Self—the peaceful and loving healer of all mental and physical disturbances. Non-duality teaches us that we are inherently whole when we are simply aware, and not caught up in life's content. Like a room whose space remains unaffected by the furniture, so too is who you really are unaffected by the state of dpd. This doesn't mean we ignore any part of our experience of dissociation - it means we see and feel it without becoming it.

It is not the true Self but the illusory, separate self that maintains dissociation.

True freedom from depersonalization comes from understanding that you've always been whole. The body needs to process past residues through movement, nature, social interactions, realizing that the mind is not the master over the body - in fact it has a tiny role in comparison to our automatic responses.

Non-duality isn't just a spiritual quest—it's grounded in neuroscience and ancient wisdom. It encourages us to connect with our physical sensations devoid of mental narratives, helping us heal beyond the fragmented self who has no true control over us.

Experiencing a crisis of depersonalization was transformative for me, emphasizing how much of my life was spent in a state of chronic dissociation. I could see that it had filtrated into ever crease of my existence, from my relationships, to my parenting, to my inability to simply be here. How else could I have seen the tapestry I was literally clothing myself in without being given the gift of that nakedness? I needed to split in order to return home to my wholeness, and would argue we all need to venture away from safety and what is known once in a while so we have the chance to truly find out that we are what we are searching for.

Every challenging moment invites us to discover what we are not—our thoughts, emotions, past, or future. Yet, it also led me to writing, a coping strategy that has profoundly shaped my life.

Your experiences of depersonalization are not uniquely yours—they are a symptom of a broader collective disconnection from a more holistic way of existing. How else could we treat nature like we do, or hurt others like we have done for so long, without that sense of disconnected-otherness? We share our trauma with countless generations who also had to dissociate in order to survive. But if we want to evolve - we have to move beyond the limited survival mindset that is outdated and dis-serving.

We have the opportunity to end the ripple of disconnect with us. Our healing journey contributes not just to our well-being but benefits future generations.

If you're interested in exploring the intersection of Internal Family Systems, Non-Duality, Nature, and storytelling in your healing process, consider subscribing to my newsletter. I look forward to connecting with you and hearing your story.

Much love, Sez

My mother’s body,

a safe hold to me;

a child who clung

onto the soft

pillows of my

mother’s belly,

her thick shoulders

carrying generation’s

worth of trauma...

I could always find

a cove of love

within the

hills of her body.

And yet it was

a shameful

thing to her...

a thing that

needed to be concealed

and hidden behind

children and plants

and people and

oversized shawls

in every photo –

she stood behind us,

the forbidden body’s

protectors

to which left

only her

dis-embodied

head hovering

in the background

in all our

family albums.

Her body

was a known-secret

that no one could

speak of,

constantly being

manipulated and then

comforted,

diets killing off the fat,

emotions begging

for their

return.

The love I knew

as a child

was in her body,

yet, she

only celebrated

this beloved body

when it started

to lose

pieces

of itself.

How strange, I

always thought –

to praise what’s left

behind

when what’s gone

was what I

loved most.

__________

I am currently writing a new poetry book that will help women connect to their intuitive bodies. It will hold practices and poetry for deeper embodiment. I believe our bodies are bridges to the spirit and we cannot fully experience our spiritual life without the body. Being truly present within our bodies is a remedy to the mind-created problems we face every day. Dropping into the Heart is a way of embodying ourselves, vulnerability, and authenticity, no matter what shape, size, color, ability, or emotional landscape we have. In fact, the more emotional we are, the greater the need to connect with our deeper body and not the superficial layer that affects us so much. Sign up for the newsletter to hear about its release!

I am both,

I am all the

contradictions

and paradoxes

that form the

shape of me.

I am the

heartache,

the broken,

the full and

completenes.

I am the

‘yes’

when asked

whether I am

healed or

still healing.

Yes and both,

thank you.

I am the

domesticated

and wild,

the nomadic,

the homebody.

I am the

pitted bellied

ache

and the

abyss of joy.

I am the

yes to

all question.

I am both.

I am all.

It’s no wonder we feel

the ache of separation

from the web we

were once weaved

upon

and through,

the tribe that knitted

the stray threads

of our pain together

with compassion

and story.

Our bodies,

still melancholy

for the loss of

environment,

desperately trying

to make sense of

a way of life that

that grew out of

our hands and

into our minds,

we split like wood,

we mourn the loss

of an expressive land,

of the elder who’s

broad hearts

carried the pain

of the youth,

remedied their anger

with purpose and ritual,

every plant a teacher

we were once

an apprentice to

everything

the teachings of

the sun, the horizon’s

vertebrae stretching

out as our own,

our spirits belonging

to a home that

baked like clay

into its

hearthstone.

Now we live still -

as cut flowers,

the fingernail moon

no longer our counsellor

the fire pit no longer

our council,

the creek no longer

our mender

each other,

no longer as

sacred

as ourselves.

Crying over cold

vegan meat

sandwiches

made of salt and love,

packed lunches

packed with guilt

from mother’s

longing to give

you more than

carrots and cucumbers

but freedom and space

to grow strong

and kind,

with a heart full

of wonder

a hope

stuffed into a

segments of a

superhero's

lunch box,

that your life will

be lighter.

__________________________

It is not the straight

and separate road

that leads you

home

but the thorny path

that beckons unto

your wilder heart

that takes your

hand

and shows you

how to belong to it all.

It’s rarely through ease that we are shown how to be in this world.

More often, it is our Heart that calls us to wander into unknown places and these paths are never easy to navigate.

If you are following your heart right now, it is bound to be through unchartered territory and requiring more vulnerability before anything can truly be gained. But keep going...

Home, belonging, purpose, joy, love doesn’t exist at the end of this journey – They are what’s walking beside you through it all, guiding, whispering, ushering you forth.

Where is your heart leading you these days and how are you feeling about it?

The need to belong

blows steadily against our sails.

Carving through the water,

our little vessels of longing

wax and wane with tide and moon.

There are handprints

pressed against our shoulders

guiding us back to our motherlands,

stolen pieces of bodies

skimmed across the oceans

by ancestors passed

who wish for us to seek

for them by

following that feeling

of home.

Do you have Nordic Ancestry? Would you like to learn more about the ways our ancient heritage helps us heal through life's symbolic & seasonal winters? Join us on the free NORDIC SOULSTICE COURSE

This body -

it feels like a

carelessly flung net

cast out into open sea

collecting the debris

from last years storm.

This body -

this container

left with the sediment

and leaves that

predict a destiny

we are yet to meet.

What has been washed up

upon this shore

has been hoarded

by this body,

hope and certainty

pocketed and stashed

away desperately

into the thickness of thighs

and the capacity of belly

the density of bones.

This body

is filled

with residue.

This body,

the tank we

pushed out as

our first line of defense,

now adorned with medals

that no one can see

but ourselves.

This body,

that feels more like

a halfway house,

than a home,

a place of perpetual waiting

it took what

comfort it could get

in the absence of touch,

in the absence of family

and those most loved.

It will take time

to feel this body again

as it wants to be felt

by yourself

and others.

It will take time

to unpack the exile

from your heart

and unlade the loneliness

from your collapsing shoulders.

It will take time

to satiate this skin

and grow wild again

where paths have been paved

through mindless tread.

And for all this body

has collected,

what matters most

is what was let go of

along its journey.

It is from the heart

that we feel the ache

of displacement

and it is through

the heart

that we redeem our sense

of belonging.

The same place that

experiences the death

is the one

we are reborn from.

So look to where it hurts -

place a palm upon

the radar

that humbles this hand

and follow it inward.

Picket a sign

above this place

that says,

“to all who pass,

there lies in this void

both

wound and remedy,

both

split and repair,

both fire and frost -

be gentle

for as I am mending

so too am I coming undone.