Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog

After more than two decades of research, surveys, and interviews with close to 50,000 people, I will go out on a limb and say there is one “relationship superpower” that most people would never see as a superpower: a willingness to be completely vulnerable in our most important relationships. And as you will see from a fascinating research study I’ll outline below, vulnerability is almost a prerequisite for a thriving, close marriage.

Now, some of us will think of course we need to be vulnerable—but don’t realize we are agreeing in theory but aren’t actually vulnerable in practice. Others may think of vulnerability as something optional—it’s like a level of the relationship you unlock when you’re really ready. And there are plenty of people who find the idea of true vulnerability terrifying after experiencing betrayal of trust in childhood, in earlier relationships, or perhaps even in your current marriage relationship.

Regardless of your pattern here’s a truth to settle into: Being willing to let your spouse see all of you is one of the most powerful actions for creating a great marriage. Vulnerability is how ordinary couples build extraordinary trust and intimacy. (Although it is also important to note that rebuilding trust after it has been broken will require a somewhat different process that is largely beyond what we can cover here.)

I feel so strongly about this that I’m not only including vulnerability as an installment in our Simple Superpowers series (which includes other relationship powerhouses of gratitude, curiosity, and forgiveness) but I’m also rolling out vulnerability this month in a three-part blog.

In Part 1, we will look at four truths that make vulnerability a relationship superpower as well as the best risk you can take. In Parts 2 and 3, we will examine six action steps that will help you become vulnerable with the most important person in your life.

Truth #1: Vulnerability builds deeper connection

A few decades ago, a group of researchers put together a series of remarkable experiments that created an entirely new stream of thought among counselors and therapists about the importance of vulnerability in relationships. It is now seen as almost a prerequisite for connection.

One study specifically examined vulnerability between a husband and wife. The study followed couples for six weeks, asking each partner every day whether they had shared something personal and how their spouse responded. The researchers found that on days when a spouse opened up and the other responded with warmth and understanding, both felt more intimate and connected that day. But there was an important additional finding: On days when disclosure didn’t happen, closeness didn’t grow. Intimacy simply stayed flat. And over time, ‘flat’ intimacy ends up feeling like no intimacy at all.

Why do I say that? Well, think about someone you know (maybe yourself!) who has said, “It feels like my spouse and I are just roommates; we don’t have a true sense of intimacy or closeness.” Over months and years, a long string of “flat days” is what quietly leads to a stalled marriage—one that is a polite partnership instead of a deeply bonded union.

According to those landmark studies, a sense that daily intimacy is lacking is highly likely to be because regular vulnerability is lacking as well. Pursuing vulnerability as a solution (which we will tackle in Parts 2 and 3) may require courage—but is also highly likely to rebuild the closeness you’re longing for.

Truth #2: Vulnerability is contagious and creates a positive cycle

In the research, it was encouraging to see how vulnerability multiplies and creates an upward cycle. When you open up, you’re not just letting someone into your heart — you’re also inviting them to do the same. Your disclosure signals, “It’s safe here.” The research found that this action is contagious, making it more likely for the other person to take that step as well. Which then makes it more likely to be reciprocated … and on and on in a valuable cycle.

This is important in any close relationship but is especially vital in marriage. Why? Because it means that the decision of one spouse to be vulnerable is likely to lead to both spouses taking the risk to be regularly vulnerable over time. This has immense implications for creating a thriving marriage.

But someone has to start.

Let’s say you’re a guy wrestling with recurring back pain that has flared again, and you had to drop out of a fitness competition at work. Because you’re feeling vulnerable, you don’t want to be vulnerable. So, you don’t tell your wife. You figure you’ll look up some stretches on YouTube and handle it on your own.

But ask yourself: would your wife want to know? After all, think about how you’d feel if your wife finally came to you and told you about something she had been wrestling with but hadn’t mentioned before. Maybe she’d been worried for months about whether she was being a good mom to your toddler, and whether she should look for a more flexible job so she could be around more. Wouldn’t you want to help her carry that concern, so she didn’t have to carry it alone?

In our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that one of the factors that led difficult marriages to becoming happy was whether the spouses were willing to set aside their natural desire to protect themselves and be “all in” in every way—not just financially, sexually, and so on, but emotionally as well.

Of course, this absolutely means that when our spouse takes the risk of being vulnerable, that we need to honor that and actually be safe with their disclosures. If vulnerable disclosures in your marriage have been exploited in argument, mocked, shared, or otherwise mishandled, the process for stitching vulnerability and trust back together will need to be a cautious one—and perhaps best with the guidance of a counselor. But God doesn’t want suspicion or hopelessness to strangle our relationships. He loves it when we grow.  (We’ll discuss more about how to accomplish this in Part 2).

Truth #3: For women, the action that most increases intimacy is not simply the act of sharing, but receiving validation for it

The big vulnerability study mentioned earlier found several important statistical differences between men and women. And one of them is something most men would want to know: What makes women feel most emotionally close is when their husband validates their feelings about whatever they are sharing.

In our research with women for our book For Men Only we shared the results of our national survey of women that documented the truth of what many men have heard their wives say: “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen!” Guys, we’ll unpack what this looks like next time, or you can look at the “listening” chapter in For Men Only.

Truth #4: For men, the act of being vulnerable increases felt intimacy regardless of whether your wife does the same

That marriage vulnerability study also found something remarkable: where women felt more intimacy and closeness if their vulnerability was validated, men felt more intimacy just by choosing the act of self-revealing disclosure. The husband’s decision to step out and share something sensitive acts like a signal to himself: “I am choosing to trust my wife with this, rather than trying to figure it out on my own like I normally do.” That choice unlocked a sense of closeness whether or not his wife reciprocated.

I once interviewed a husband who had been terrified to admit he was struggling at work. He finally told his wife, expecting disappointment. Instead, she hugged him and said, “We’ll figure this out together.” That moment of acceptance changed things for them; he had a conscious realization that she was safe to share things with. And because of that, he became far more open about his feelings in every area of life.

So how do we step out and become open and vulnerable? What does that look like? Don’t miss parts 2 and 3 to find out!

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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The post Why Vulnerability Is the Best Risk You Can Take (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Carissa is a sweet and social high school student who volunteers in the church nursery, gets good grades, and is respectful to adults. She occasionally gets stressed by homework or disagreeing with mom and dad about house rules, but she usually goes for a drive and comes back chatty and carefree.  

At first, Carissa’s parents admired her for adjusting her attitude and bouncing back so quickly. But then they noticed a pattern: Their daughter usually came home with something she purchased—a coffee, makeup, a cute shirt. Shopping made her feel better.  

Maybe you have seen this in your kids. Maybe you have seen this in yourselves.  

You’re not alone. Money holds unexpected power in our emotional world, doesn’t it? According to our research for Thriving in Love & Money, nearly two-thirds of the thousands of people surveyed report using money to feel better about themselves.  

The way we do this often looks different for men and women, and for spenders and savers, but this sneaky core truth nags at many of us: We use money to address our feelings of inadequacy in ourselves and in our marriages. And our kids pick up these cues. (Their own social media feeds provide plenty of that stimulus, too.)  

As couples and as parents, we have a tremendous opportunity to examine how we might be using money to fill the holes in our hearts that only God can fill—and teach our kids to do the same.  

Know Thyself!  

One of the fascinating findings of our nationally representative research is that men and women often use money differently when they’re feeling vulnerable. See if you recognize yourself in any of the following situations—and ask your spouse what they think as well. (At the end of the article, see the “answer key” for which gender statistically tends to line up more with each number.) 

Measuring self-worth by how much money you earn.  Taking promotions that require more hours in order to provide the physical and emotional benefit of “money in the bank.”  Spending to “feel new.”  Making decisions based on the ever-present fear that family finances could fall apart if you’re not vigilant.  Spending so that you feel cared for—especially if you care for others non-stop. Saving as a measure of status (“Look at my bank account.”) or as a matter of security (“Look at my bank account!”) 

Earning, saving, purchasing … all of these things are fairly neutral activities in and of themselves. So when we try to use them as emotional solutions, it’s good to stop and get to the root of that.  

So, how do we start? Here are three ideas on how to navigate money, self-worth, and insecurity with ourselves and with our kids. 

#1: Identify the feelings underneath the impulses 
  

Before you accept the overtime shift that will take you away from family (again) or run to your favorite big box for retail therapy (again), press pause, and ask yourself: What’s running under the surface of this impulse?  

Pay attention here, because something deeper may need attention. It’s important to help our kids become attuned to this, too. 

For example, imagine you’re Carissa’s parents. You empathize with the pressure she feels about needing near-perfect grades to get into her desired college. You understand that the curfew you set may cause her to miss social activities. But you also observe that when she buys a cute shirt, she feels a rush of temporary relief. And in our research, she wouldn’t be unusual: 59% of women surveyed for Thriving in Love & Money reported that when they were having a bad week, they like to go shopping for something new. One woman we spoke with said, “Getting something new camouflages who we feel like on the inside.”   

So instead, in that situation, you can help your daughter meet her real need.  

You could speak over her (or memorize with her) Bible verses about how to address fear or to find her true worth to God, no matter her grades or social calendar. You could brainstorm healthy ways to process stress, like journaling and prayer. (Even better if this happens on a walk with you.) You could ask her what she needs from you to feel supported. You could ask her whether she ever feels pressured to showcase wealth or “stuff” on social media. (A December 2023 survey revealed that 24% of those in Gen Z have felt pressured in that way.)  You could ask her how social media is making her feel in general and let her know that disengaging truly is an option.  

There are any number of possibilities, and as parents of your children, you know what will reach them best. But as you talk with your kids—or your spouse—consider “thinking out loud” to model healthy processing. For example: “I feel so upset about the comment my coworker made to me today. I really want to run to the mall! But I’m going to resist that urge and instead go play tennis.  Do you want to join me?”  

#2: Build each other up!  

In the great human experiment called the family, we parents have an incredible opportunity to build up those around us. And in purposefully targeting encouragement toward the insecurities that run under the surface, we may be able to help prevent the “handling money to feel better” scenarios.  

So even though we are not responsible for the inner life of our spouse or children, we can lovingly do what we know will build them up. Here, too, we found a few useful gender-related generalizations in the research. 
  
Men and boys tend to especially need to hear “Thank you!” and “Good job!” 

When our sons hear, “Thank you for clearing up that grade with your teacher. You did a good job in handling that,” they are bolstered in the belief that they are capable. When men know that the most important people in their lives believe in them, it helps keep the bank balance in proper perspective.  
  
Women and girls tend to especially need to hear that they are loved, treasured and special. Reminding a daughter of this regularly can set her up for a greater likelihood of being settled in her worth rather than saving or spending as a means of trying to find it.  

#3: Understand the dopamine rush

  
Purchasing things can bring a rush of the “reward” hormone dopamine. When we or our kids are feeling insecure, that is powerfully tempting! So, it’s far better to plan for the natural dips in mood by finding healthier ways to boost it.  
  
Exercise is powerful in increasing serotonin, an important feel-good hormone. Getting sunshine also helps. Encourage your kids to combine these two powerhouses by taking regular family walks or bike rides or having snowball fights outside! Or listen to music, watch a funny movie, or chat with a good friend.  

The key is to help us and our kids steer stress toward positive outlets—not outlet malls! And the more we do this and model it, the healthier our families will be.  

*** 

Answer key: 1. male, 2. male, 3.  female, 4. male, 5. female, 6. both genders 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Spending Doesn’t Fix Our InsidesCarissa is a sweet and social high school student who volunteers in the church nursery, gets good grades, and is… Reflections on a week with 7,000 counselors and pastorsEvery two years, roughly 7,000 counselors, pastors, coaches, and other leaders come together for the World Conference of the American… What To do ‘When Hurting People Come to Church’Have you ever had to turn someone away? Maybe you’re an event planner with a wait list to a sold-out… Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier MarriageDo you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw?… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to…

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Every two years, roughly 7,000 counselors, pastors, coaches, and other leaders come together for the World Conference of the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) in Nashville. They spend the week absorbing plenary talks and worship times, learning from hundreds of continuing education workshops and speakers, exploring more than 100 exhibitors’ booths, and making connections with others who approach counseling and care from a Christian perspective.

Our team always has a booth  to share our latest research and we often use the week to launch our latest book—as we did this year. It’s one of the most rewarding, exhausting, special, busy, and beautiful weeks that we have every two years.

We just broke down our booth two hours ago, and I’m writing this in our packed-to-the-gills minivanas Jeff drives us 4 ½ hours back home to Atlanta. I thought it might be fun and encouraging to share some “real-time” reflections on an amazing week.

Reflection #1: SO MANY counselors and pastors use our books and resources!

I cannot count the number of times (30? 50?) one of these wonderful professionals came up to me or Jeff or a member of the team and said, “I use your books regularly in my clinical practice,” or “We have every couple in our pre-marital counseling watch your videos,” or “Thank you for your research, it is so important,” or “This book saved my marriage, and now I’m using it to help others.”

No, no, I’m not fighting back tears, that’s just a bit of dust in my eye.

The overarching goals shared by me, Jeff, and our amazing team members are a) to help people thrive in their lives and relationships, and b) serve the precious caregivers who pour themselves out so those in pain can find healing. It is unbelievably encouraging to know that after more than 20 years, our work to create eye-opening, research-based tools continues to help both audiences.

Reflection #2: The new book, When Hurting People Come to Church, is hugely needed!

I would have to look at our records to be sure, but I think this is the largest book launch we have ever had at AACC in terms of sheer sales numbers. By Thursday, we sold through our entire[LD4]  stock of When Hurting People come to Church—and still had two more days to go! We were very grateful that this year our publisher, Tyndale House Publishers, had a booth opposite ours in the exhibit hall and we were able to beg a few extra cases from them!

As noted in last week’s blog about the book launch and the podcast with my coauthor Dr. James Sells, this book is designed to help the church become the hero in the mental health crisis. It equips church pastors and staff, Christian counselors, and involved lay volunteers with the vision, encouragement and practical tools to take some of the burden off pastors and clinicians and raise up trained church laypeople who can walk alongside those with basic needs.

We conducted two workshops this week to share that vision, as well as the research with 2,000 pastors that runs underneath it. So many licensed counselors came up after our workshops and said something like this one specialist: “For years, I told pastors that their only legitimate path was to refer needs to me or other licensed therapists. But I see that my way just isn’t enough. There just aren’t enough clinicians to meet the need. There aren’t enough pastors. We have to start thinking about enlisting the aid of laypeople, if we are going to actually care for those who need it.”  

Reflection #3: There are a HUGE number of churches and counselors already doing this!

Our book and the initiative that accompanies it, The Church Cares, are not really blazing a trail—we are lighting and perhaps paving and widening a path that has already been blazed by many others. Many dozens of churches and counselors came up to us in the booth and described the ways they were already doing or working on this type of lay mental health ministry in their churches.

This morning, I had yet another such conversation with a group of leaders and was so encouraged by what they said that my staff and operations director, Eileen Kirkland, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “They are a good example. You should interview them for your blog.”

Yes, yes I should!

Ian and Megan Taylor, Amanda Levy, and Monica Stuart all live and minister in central Florida, and all graciously said I could share what they told me.

Ian is Ministry Director of The Life Church, Apollo Beach. Megan is Office Manager of Renewed Integrated Counseling, which is owned by Amanda. Monica is one of the key licensed professional counselors. They have four offices in central Florida and more than 40 therapists.

Megan explained, “I am spearheading this effort to partner with the local churches. Monica and I go talk to pastors about the mental health need and to hear the pastor’s heart. What is going on in your church? What do you need? There’s a pain point that lots of pastors have; they don’t know where to send their people, and even when to send their people. We want to know how we can support them. And this idea of raising up lay care in the church is another way of doing that. I’m so excited about that. How can we equip the average Joe with some understanding of mental health and equip them to be the body of Christ and come alongside? In one workshop this week someone said, ‘Not everyone with a headache goes to primary care.’  And it’s the same with this. Not every bump in the road requires professional help.”

I asked Ian his thoughts from a church leader’s perspective. “Today, when the average person hears ‘mental health,’ we all instantly think ‘you need a professional, let’s get you a counselor, let’s get you a therapist.’ But it is so important for the body of Christ to be the body of Christ! Sometimes you just need a friend you can have coffee with. Sometimes you need someone who will just listen. Sometimes you need peer-support groups and life groups. And sometimes you do need the therapist. But all those other ways of helping will reduce the number of people who need the therapist.”

Megan chimed in again, “There just aren’t enough therapists to meet the need. Everyone is full. We are full. Right now, for example, our clinics have just 50 openings across four offices in the next four weeks. There are millions of people in central Florida. But we can help just 50 more.”

As she shared that, I thought, there are hundreds of churches in Central Florida. Imagine the difference to those millions of people if there were suddenly hundreds of trained lay listeners in churches who could walk alongside the basic needs—and free up the clinicians to see the more significant ones?

As our books sold, and then sold out, it was validating to realize that so many professionals see the need for the church to be the place where people can find help and hope for their life pain. Can you imagine if instead of hearing dire news stories about the mental health crisis in America, we began to discover that churches all around us are helping to solve the crisis in meaningful, lasting, and sustainable ways?

It will take many of us—not just the “professionals.” If you have a heart for helping the hurting, this may very well include you. You can see what the buzz is all about by picking up a copy of When Hurting People Come to Church, and giving a copy to your pastor.

I hope you will.

In the meantime, I’m going to put my feet up for a few days and just savor the goodness of being surrounded by so many boots-on-the-ground people who devote their lives to helping others.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Reflections on a week with 7,000 counselors and pastorsEvery two years, roughly 7,000 counselors, pastors, coaches, and other leaders come together for the World Conference of the American… What To do ‘When Hurting People Come to Church’Have you ever had to turn someone away? Maybe you’re an event planner with a wait list to a sold-out… Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier MarriageDo you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw?… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to… Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and…

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Have you ever had to turn someone away? Maybe you’re an event planner with a wait list to a sold-out event. It could be that you’re a service manager, and you have to tell a customer it will be a week or more before a technician can fix their broken HVAC unit or their dryer or their car.

Now imagine the broken thing you’re waitlisting is a heart.

That’s what a lot of counselors and pastors feel like today, in the middle of what the World Health Organization calls “a global crisis for mental health.” There is so much need that the “professionals” can’t meet it all. This has implications for every one of us—especially those who want to see the church be a place of answers and hope for our culture.

I was talking with a clinical psychologist friend who runs a large counseling center in the Midwest. Her practice is the “go-to” practice for multiple churches. She said the needs are so great that all her counselors are fully booked and she regularly has to do something she dreads: tell a person in pain that they can’t serve them right now. They give the person a list of other practices to try . . . and frequently get a return call saying that none of those clinicians have room right now either. This is a regular, heartbreaking experience.

And this doesn’t even take into account the millions who don’t pursue help at all, because they simply can’t afford professional care.

As just one data point example, among those with severe anxiety alone, 25 million people are not receiving any care. That is more than the population of Florida.

You may be personally aware of this need. After all, every one of us either knows someone with severe anxiety, depression, or other concerns. You may also feel helpless to do anything about the problem. But it turns out: If you care about this issue, you’re a key solution to the problem.

Today I’m launching When Hurting People Come to Church, my latest book, co-authored with clinical psychologist and Regent University leader Dr. James Sells, to propose that the church can help solve this mental health crisis. The book is based on two years of research with more than two thousand pastors and church leaders, including many who are already doing mental health ministry well and have immense wisdom to share.

I’m going to unpack what we are proposing, and I hope you will buy the book and pass it along to every pastor, church staff, and caring church volunteer that you know.

A Fresh Way of Approaching Mental Health

When Hurting People Come to Church: How People of Faith Can Help Solve the Mental Health Crisis offers a fresh way of thinking about how the church can help the hurting. It unleashes the church’s greatest resource—its people—to help solve the mental health crisis. Think about it: there are millions of Christian lay people who understand brokenness, grace, and the power of relationship. Many Christians would want to step intocaring for those dealing with basic anxiety, depression, grief, marriage distress, and dozens of other issues if they knew that was an option.

In recent decades, we have thought of “mental health care” as something offered by a clinical specialist—usually, a professional operating outside of the church’s walls. As non-specialists we have begun to feel like we “aren’t allowed” to offer help or care, and that we should always let “the professionals” handle it. And just to be clear, we aren’t suggesting that clinicians aren’t needed! Highly trained and licensed counselors are vitally important. After all, my coauthor is a licensed psychologist who has spent more than thirty years training clinicians to serve the world.

But what if we began to think of the church as the nexus of a “both-and” strategy? Both a place that refers to clinicians when needed and a place where people can find real help and hope for their life pain. I think Jesus would like this idea. After all, in describing Himself and those He came to serve, He said it was not the healthy who needed a doctor, but the sick.

When a young woman shows up at church with severe anxiety or depression, an old man is in grief after losing his wife of fifty years, or a couple tells their home group leader that they are considering divorce, the church can be prepared to bring together the power of God with the power of people to give real care for these real mental and emotional health issues.

What do church leaders think?

Based on national research with more than two thousand church leaders, two staggering statistics paint a picture of how conflicted pastors are—and the wonderful opportunity before us.

On our national survey, 88% of pastors and church leaders either agree or somewhat agree with this statement: “If a person’s presenting issue is psychological rather than spiritual, the church’s primary mental health service should be to refer to a professional.”

Yet 96% of those same pastors and church leaders also agree or somewhat agree with this statement: “A community of believers supporting one another is one of the best ways to foster good mental health inside the church.”

So we are in a moment when most pastors and church leaders feel like what they should do for mental health is refer to a specialist (and remember, many specialists are too expensive or full!) yet they also know that having caring people who walk alongside the hurting is one of the best ways for promoting better mental health in the church!

One of the church’s finest moments might exist in the gap between these two numbers. Rather than funneling people away from the church, we have an opportunity before us to train lay people to walk alongside those in distress with listening, caring presence.

Now, an important call to action

This is where you come in.

When Hurting People Come to Church outlines not just a new movement, but also a new model for helping the hurting. And I chuckle as I write that, because this “new model” is actually as old as the book of Acts. It’s people. It’s community. It’s listening, supportive laypeople—perhaps with a little bit of extra training in listening—who can apply both compassion and wisdom in caring for others.

In recent decades, church leaders have (perhaps understandably) been told, “when in doubt, refer out.” And again, referring to specialists can be incredibly important. But do we really want to create a funnel out of the church? How about, when referrals are needed, referring people to a specialist . . . and ensuring that we walk alongside them in the church at the same time? How about also thinking of “referrals” for the whole scope of human care—where someone in pain is connected to a small group just as purposefully as to a licensed counselor? Or where a marriage in crisis is connected to a couple with a healthy marriage, who they can hang out with and learn from—even if they also go to a marriage therapist for skill building in communication?

As my co-author Jim Sells told me recently, “I can help a client with skill building and symptom reduction. But if they don’t also get connected to people who can walk alongside them, those symptoms won’t stay reduced for very long.”

The church has traditionally been the place where we walk alongside those in need. It’s time for the church to see the mental health crisis not as something separate from the mission of the church, but as a key opportunity for outreach, discipleship and love in the name of Jesus to those looking for hope.

What does “walking alongside” look like?

The practical way to meet the needs of this moment is through a structure that fits within the context of your church and mobilizes a team of lay listeners with very basic training, under the leadership of a care coordinator. Explaining this and how it works is the main point of the book, along with a companion initiative, The Church Cares that exists to equip the church.

This approach takes some of the crushing burden of pastoral care from your pastor’s shoulders and raises up a team of trained volunteers who help the lonely feel connected and help the heartbroken find hope. Of course, these lay listeners also learn to identify those who may need more specialized care—but even as a referral is made, the hope is that the person also continues to receive care in the church community.

The church and the counseling office do not have to be mutually exclusive. We need both. As the church, we can—and should—come alongside people in their pain. This isn’t a nice idea. It’s a critical solution for the loneliness, distress, and emotional burdens that are overwhelming our pastors’ offices and our clinical healthcare system.

This book is for those who care about the hurting and find the scope overwhelming.

This book is for anyone with a caring heart who wants to help provide hope.

This book is for you.

Order your copy today. Order a copy for your care pastor, your senior pastor, and for other like-minded, caring friends. And church-by-church, city-by-city, and state-by-state, let’s start a movement that can become the church’s finest moment[LD2] .

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: What To do ‘When Hurting People Come to Church’Have you ever had to turn someone away? Maybe you’re an event planner with a wait list to a sold-out… Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier MarriageDo you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw?… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to… Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and… What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but…

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Do you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw? Well, pull up a chair and take a few quick notes on what we call the “next-day rule.” This approach may not matter to every man, but in my research studies with men it’s pretty close!

First, let’s look at why such a hack is needed.

Imagine it’s Saturday morning. You’ve just slept in (gloriously—and possibly for the first time since flip phones were in style), and you realize the house is quiet. Your husband has made you coffee and left a note: “Took the kids to the park. Enjoy the peace and quiet.”

You settle into your favorite chair with a book you’ve been wanting to read. Later, the whole crew bounds back through the door, the kids excitedly chattering about playing tag and getting caught in the sprinklers.

You sincerely tell your husband thanks for the quiet morning, and he gives you a hug and says it was his pleasure. Then you notice that your oldest has a grass stain on his dress shorts—the only ones he has that still fit and are nice enough for church. “Oh honey,” you casually say to your husband, “by the way, could you not let Jared play in these shorts anymore? I had them set out for church tomorrow.”

You notice that his face falls. Or maybe he doesn’t say anything, but you notice that he’s distant. Or maybe he even says, “Nothing I do is ever good enough” and walks away. Probably leaving you completely confused. You weren’t criticizing him; you were just asking him to do something differently.

What you don’t realize is that instead of feeling appreciated for giving you a morning alone, by hearing a correction on the end of a “thank you” he may feel like you’ve kicked him in the gut.

But it’s just shorts, you might be thinking, perhaps even indignantly. And I hadn’t planned on needing to do laundry today. Don’t my plans matter too?

Of course, your plans matter too! But I’m assuming we want to know not just what we are saying—but what they are hearing. Furthermore, if it’s “just shorts” this morning, loading the dishwasher “incorrectly” in the afternoon, and buying the “wrong kind of milk” at the grocery store later—men in my research consistently say it starts to feel like death by a thousand cuts. In those moments when he gets corrected after trying to help, the “advice” or “helpful input” we’re trying to give demoralizes him. He feels disrespected.

Now, again, this is almost certainly not what we intend. But if he’s like most men in our surveys, it is almost certainly how he takes it.

In my research for For Women Only, I found that sharing this type of “helpful advice” in the wake of something our man has done (“That was great! But next time could you…”) consistently causes him unseen, daily pain. And we often don’t even recognize we’re causing it. I cringe thinking how often I did this to Jeff in the years before starting this research.

Yet if you’re like me, you might also be thinking: But what if we need to share some helpful advice?! What if he hasn’t done something the way it should be done?

Ladies, I’ve got a two-step solution that will help you determine when to speak up, and how. This hack will help your marriage—and your man—immeasurably. It will help bring out (and avoid squashing) the delightfully engaged husband that he wants to be, for you.

Step #1: Ask yourself: Will this issue be important tomorrow?

In the grand scheme of things, how important is this “correction? Will this situation matter enough tomorrow to hurt my husband’s feelings today? Some situations, if left unaddressed, will create some sort of longer-term negative impact. We are all adults here, and your man will understand the reason for that correction, even if it still stings a little that he failed you (which is how it feels to him).

But if the answer to that question is “no,” then it probably isn’t worth bringing up right now … or at all. When majoring on the minors causes consistent pain to someone you love, it’s just not worth it. (And that goes for all our relationships.)

So before you say something, ask yourself: does it really matter that your husband loads the dishwasher differently than you or buys 2% milk instead of 1% milk? Or is what really matters the fact that the blessed appliance is loaded and running and there’s milk in the fridge for breakfast? (We also might want to ask ourselves: is our way of loading the dishwasher really “right” and his way “wrong?” Why is his way not just as legitimate?)

Bottom line: when the kids run in from the park, let him enjoy the fact that he’s “done good.” He’s probably feeling pleased with himself for making your life easier and making you happy. If you are pleased and happy, don’t cause him to think otherwise! Correcting him—especially in that moment–will trigger his secret feeling that he doesn’t measure up. And since, according to our research, that’s his most painful feeling, he may eventually just shut down and stop trying.

By contrast, sincerely noticing and thanking him for something he’s done makes a huge impact. (True story: three out of four men said that in my survey for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages).

But what happens if the answer to the “will this matter tomorrow” question is yes?

This leads us to Step #2…

Step #2: If it needs to be addressed, if possible, address it the next day

Suppose you’ve noticed that your husband makes a great dinner—but often berates your son at the dinner table for how much time he spends on his phone. Now, the kid probably needs some boundaries and discipline, but you feel your husband is consistently too rough on him. And since you believe it could hurt their relationship, you feel it is definitely worth addressing.

If your man is working to accomplish something (dinner), and one element of it needs attention (how he talks to your son), it will often be received much better if you address it the next day. It may not always be possible, but consider tapping the brakes and tabling your input until tomorrow.

Waiting until the next day to offer your thoughts will help you convey “I noticed and appreciated your effort”—even if it wasn’t perfect (Jared wearing dress shorts to the park). Or if it’s something more serious it says, “I took time to think and pray about this.”

For example, when you see the grass-stained shorts, you might spray on stain remover and throw them in the washer without comment. Then the next day (if it’s important enough to mention), you might say, “Hey, thanks again for taking the kids to the park. Just so you know, Jared is down to that last pair of shorts for church or nice events. So can you steer him toward athletic shorts for daily stuff?”

Or, if you’ve heard your husband getting on your son’s case, the next day you might kindly say, “Honey, do you mind if I raise something? I was watching Shane’s face when you were talking to him about his cell phone use. I don’t want to see your relationships suffer over this. Maybe you and I could come up with some boundaries for him together and let him know we love him, we care about his health, and because of that, we are going to be limiting his phone time.”

It might take some practice to wait a day—especially for those of us who are verbal processors. But if we want a happy husband (and a happy marriage), we must learn how to address things in a way that doesn’t cause that regular, unseen, punch-in-the-gut feeling to our man.

Bottom line, by asking ourselves “will this matter long-term” and by (if possible) waiting overnight to kindly say something, you give your husband the gift of enjoying the delightful fact that he made you happy. Which will likely lead to him wanting to do it again. Sounds like a win-win to me.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier MarriageDo you want a simple hack that can help your husband be delightfully engaged—rather than accidentally prompting him to withdraw?… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to… Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and… What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but… 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the…

The post Try the ‘Next-Day Rule’ Hack for a Happier Marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would have thought that the concept of gender would become so convoluted and divisive? Sure, some people would get defensive at the idea of gender differences, but it wasn’t quite a “third rail” in the way it is today. In our cultural moment, it can feel easier to avoid the whole topic.

I’m not sure we should. Those of us who explore these matters from both a scientific and a scriptural perspective see something important to celebrate: that we are made different in some ways—and made the way we are for a reason.

This fact alone can dial down the fear factor, which we touched upon last week.

In Part 1 I shared three ideas for engaging in these conversations winsomely and with empathy—yet grounded in truth and scientific fact. (If you haven’t seen Part 1, I’d recommend backing up to read that blog first.) Below, are three more suggestions for how to continue the conversation by leaning into the science and—for those of us who believe the bible speaks clearly and with relevance on this issue—being aware of scripture.

4. Understand what the overall research says.

The scope of the research on this topic is pretty staggering, and overall it points in one direction—whether one is looking at neuroscience, linguistics, physiology, pharmacology, endocrinology, cognitive science, anthropology, psychology, or a dozen other fields, having either XY or XX chromosomes does create certain biological male-female differences that play out strongly in common gender differences.

Of course, as I make a point to say on every podcast and at every marriage event, that does not mean that all men are the same and all women are the same. As humans, after all, we are more similar than we are different. Further, everyone is an individual. Millions of the glorious differences in brain wiring, hormones, upbringing, and personality create billions of unique individuals.

However. The research is also clear that some sex/gender-based patterns are really stark. An example is found in certain patterns of brain wiring. Yes, any of us might have neurobiological characteristics that are more common to the opposite sex (such as a man who is most comfortable processing verbally rather than internally, or a woman who has a particularly high sexual drive). But the exceptions don’t create a rule.

For example, one study out last year from Stanford (discussed below) found that male and female brains are consistently wired so differently, that AI models could almost always look at a particular brain scan and tell whether the subject was a man or a woman.

Just as XY and XX chromosomes guide mutually exclusive developmental pathways, they also shape those distinct and consistent male-female wiring patterns.

5. Be aware of a recent Stanford study.

The Stanford study—published in one of the most prestigious scientific journals in the world—is long, dense, and difficult for us non-neuroscientists to understand. But if you want to try to wade through it, it is also fascinating. The researchers pointed out that traditional brain imaging methods often blurred things together and was thus better at identifying what men and women had in common (which is also valuable!). But in this study they used a new method, called a spatiotemporal deep neural network, or stDNN, which analyzes brain activity dynamically across time.

They mapped resting brain organization activity (something researchers call a “fingerprint”) in a group of 1,500 20- to 35-year-olds. Then they used a big-data AI model to analyze it. The AI model was able to tell whether a particular scan was of a man or a woman with 90% accuracy.

And that doesn’t mean that 10% of people have gender-fluid brains. Other specialized brain maps they created were even more stark.

For example, look at this chart—and show it to someone who thinks men and women are essentially the same, or that gender is a fluid social construct. The distinct “fingerprints” grouped in this chart represent one map of the activity of those 1,500 brains at rest. Not only do male and female brains group into opposite corners; there is literally no overlap in activity.

Source: Ryali, S., Zhang, Y., de los Angeles, C., Supekar, K., & Menon, V. (2024). Deep learning models reveal replicable, generalizable, and behaviorally relevant sex differences in human functional brain organization. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 121(9), e2310012121. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2310012121

It doesn’t take an AI model to look at each data point here and tell which gender is which. Male and female brains are simply designed differently in some ways.

And not surprisingly, these distinct brain characteristics show up in multiple practical ways. The Stanford researchers found “sex-specific cognitive profiles”—patterns of mental strengths and tendencies—that often lead to different ways of thinking and acting. In fact, the patterns were so precise and distinct that when an AI model was trained on the male brain scans and tried to apply that learning to female brain scans (and vice versa) it didn’t even work. Essentially, scientists needed a map of the male brain and a map of the female brain, and weren’t going to get anywhere if they tried to use the map for the opposite sex.

Writing about these important findings for the Institute for Family Studies, Leonard Sax concluded, “There are hardwired female/male differences, and those differences matter. Ignoring reality is never best practice.”

I would add: Ignoring reality is never best practice if we want great relationships with the opposite sex. I’m grateful to see the continued, robust neuroscientific basis for what our surveys have found about how these “hardwired” differences tend to play out in practical ways in everything from how we process conflict to secret male and female insecurities.

6. Recognize that gender differences were God’s idea—and most people don’t dispute them.

Not every blog reader shares the Christian faith, but for those who do, let’s dial all the noise down and simply remember that God could have created one type of person and instead He created two. And He called this very good.

So God created mankind in his own image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.

(Genesis 1:27,31 NIV)

Celebrating our male-ness or our female-ness and seeing those two ways of being as “very good” is where we should strive to land as well.

I believe this is where most people do land. The vast majority of people are not wrestling with whether biological sex differences play out in common gender differences. For example, in a recent Pew poll, 89% of respondents agreed, “Men and women are basically different when it comes to how they express their feelings.” This obvious reality that we see on the outside is based (yet again) in brain wiring differences on the inside. And most people know that. Most people have common sense on this and are just trying to live life in a complex culture that has suddenly gone (in my opinion) slightly crazy on this subject.

So if you happen to encounter a culture-warrior who vehemently disagrees with you, you can be winsome and caring, truthful and kind. You can also recognize that they are the outlier, not you.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2)I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would… 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to… Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and… What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but… 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the… What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three…

The post 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to the person next to me on an airplane—people keep asking the same question: “Since you’ve done so much gender research, how do you respond to this hot-button topic these days?”

They often follow up with: “What do you say to people in today’s cultural space who insist that gender differences do not exist or are a social construct?”

Let’s talk about that. What do Jeff and I say to folks who think there really aren’t two sexes and/or that it’s mostly just a matter of identity? How do we respond to those who say men and women start out the same, but are culturally conditioned to behave differently? Or to those who have come to believe that all the talk about men and women being wired differently is mostly part of a misogynistic narrative that should be actively debunked?

It occurred to me that I should share how I respond at times—including with some strategy, statistics, research, and winsome truth—in case it helps you to be confident discussing this important topic with others. I know not every reader is in the same place regarding things of faith, but I personally believe we are called to engage our culture with the truth of how we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

So if you’re interested in that too, I’m going to suggest that you strap in, put on your thinking cap, and get ready for a robust discussion. I hope this blog will be a sort of helpful tool you can pull out of your toolbox the next time you’re confronted with some of the cultural myths about gender today. In fact, I encourage you to save this post to your search engine favorites (or pin if you’re reading by email.)

Below I share three suggestions, and in Part 2 of this blog, I’ll share three more.

1. Get a sense for where the person is coming from.

Remember that who you are talking to is just as important as the content of the conversation. It could be, as you sit in the bleachers at your kids’ practice, that the fellow sports-parent who raises this topic just learned that one of their children wants to transition. It could be that your colleague is happily gay and annoyed by people who assume he also wrestles with gender identity. It could be that the woman who brings this up in your new bible study left an abusive husband and is very sensitive to the church standing against misogyny and the damaging idea that gender differences are an excuse for bad behavior (“boys will be boys”).

Before we open our mouths and share our opinion with someone, it defuses a lot of defensiveness and creates a much better space for listening and conversation, when we first get a sense for them. For example, we could do one or more of these helpful things:

Get curious: “Everyone is in a different place on this. I’m curious what you think.”Acknowledge the emotions and the climate: “I know there are lot of different emotions and beliefs around this topic today, and we may have different opinions about it.”Empathize: “I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced that discrimination as a woman in business; that’s just so wrong.”Find common ground: “I know we both care about fairness and respect for everyone.”Agree where we can: “Yes, everyone is an individual, and culture shapes us a lot.”Avoid creating false either/or distinctions (such as “it’s all biology” or “it’s all culture”) and instead reply with something like, “For sure, differences come from both nature and nurture.”

Where we have strong beliefs (including those formed by our understanding of science and scripture), we must have equally strong love and compassion for those we are speaking with. Everyone has a story, and we don’t know what is going on behind the scenes in their heart and in their home.

A compassionate and curious approach creates some room for the next points.

2. Know the difference between “sex” and “gender.”

One thing that causes a lot of confusion is that we often use these words interchangeably. But they don’t mean exactly the same thing—and that nuance is where a lot of the current controversy lives.

There are lots of different ways of defining each word (which is part of the problem), but for the moment let’s make the distinction this way:

“Sex” (or sexuality) refers to biological, inborn characteristics, and uses the words “Male” or “Female.” Everyone who took high school biology learned that there are two sets of chromosomes (either XY or XX) and related reproductive systems—and they are mutually exclusive. Except in extremely rare cases of chromosomal deformity, every human is either XY (male) or XX (female), period.“Gender” generally refers to how those inborn characteristics show up—how they are embodied in men and women. In Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (a comprehensive resource used by both Catholics and Protestants), gender is presented as an essential part of each person’s being, based in our biological sex. The latter idea is what has become controversial in some circles, as some people now believe that it is not biology that determines gender but how a person feels and sees themselves (their “gender identity”).

The easiest way to build common ground in conversation with almost everyone is to start with the assumption that they, too, believe there are two biological sexes, based on XY and XX chromosomes. There may be some exceptions, but very few people are comfortable disagreeing with that fact.

And as we will cover in Part 2, that one fact leads to many others. Once we accept there are indeed mutually exclusive biological characteristics based on our chromosomes, many other dominos follow. For example, having two different sets of chromosomes leads to two different ways that the brain is wired. (In Part 2, you will not want to miss the stunning data and chart from a recent neuroscience study). It leads to two different ways that our physical, neurological, and hormonal structure is set up. Thus, whether people realize it or not, it also provides every human’s starting point for even our mental idea of what gender is.

Ironically, those who believe gender is fluid and mostly self-determined are operating based on a neurological starting point given to them as part of their distinct, unchanging, biological sex and brain functionality.

In other words, our biology directly affects how we think about gender.

3. Know what the neuroscientists think.

Neuroscientists who actually study male-female differences are privately amused by the notion that biological sex differences do not play out in some common gender differences between men and women. A few years back, I had the opportunity to interview one such neuroscientist, an eminent figure who is widely published and cited, and highly respected in the field. This expert asked to remain anonymous in order to speak candidly.

This neuroscientist said that many of the common differences we see between men and women “have some important, non-trivial foundation in brain wiring . . . That is the very foundation that the anti-sex-difference crowd is trying to say is not true. But they are wrong.”

When I asked why this is even still a controversy today, when sophisticated fMRI brain scans show so many meaningful differences, the neuroscientist said, “Refusing to acknowledge the possibility of sex differences is done out of fear. The fear that the statement ‘men and women aren’t the same’ is going to be interpreted as ‘men and women aren’t equal.’” We can help lower that fear by building mutual understanding and respect, without giving into the idea that we have to be “the same” to do so. In Part 2, we will hear more from neuroscience and other sources to help us navigate this topic today.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 6 Ways to Talk about Gender Differences (Part 1)It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to… Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and… What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but… 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the… What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three… How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on…

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We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and challenged, protected and pushed, and who we have prayed for with joy and tears—we will soon transfer the primary care of that beautiful young woman to a wonderful young man.

I’m leaking tears as I write this. It’s the way it should be. But oh, our hearts.

Many of you have walked this road. Many others, like us, have had a hard time even picturing this new season. Even though Ben and Morgen have been dating for more than four years, the words “we will have a son-in-law” sound really weird to us right now—but we can’t imagine a better man to fill that role.

Morgen and Ben have walked together through college, graduation, job hunting, starting careers, and becoming certain that they were to be best friends for life. They have prayed and navigated the inevitable speedbumps with mentoring and counsel. And then when Morgen was away at a client site out of state a few weeks back, Ben snuck in a dinner meeting with us to ask for our blessing. There were lots of joyful tears that night, too. And of course, Ben started getting lots of ragging from friends about marrying the daughter of two marriage authors. (And LOL, yes, he’s got some reading to do!)

Ben arranged the proposal for what turned out to be a beautiful Sunday afternoon at Stone Mountain Park, where they first became boyfriend and girlfriend. I love their proposal picture, taken sneakily through the trees by Ben’s mom.

After Morgen said yes, they drove toward our house where we had invited about 55 people to a surprise engagement party, initially expecting maybe 25 to attend. But 50 RSVPs later, we knew we were going to have a day to remember.

And we did!

Almost immediately, of course, we started trying to find a wedding/reception venue in our budget AND that was available for the first half of 2026. (If you haven’t tried to arrange a wedding yet, you are in for a surprise when you see how far out these venues get booked!) And God provided magnificently.

Morgen and Ben remembered Koury Farms, where one of Ben’s family members had been married a few years back. On only our second day of looking at venues, I toured the absolutely beautiful property on a misty August morning, realized Glynis and Scott Callaway were also followers of Jesus, and was hooked. (In addition to their kind manner, a giveaway clue was Scott wearing a baseball cap that said “Faith not Fear,” which turned out to be a great conversation starter!)

Glynis and Scott have been true partners these last few weeks, walking side by side with us as we have jumped into this strange new world of wedding planning. If you are anywhere in north Georgia and need an event venue—for any type of event—I highly recommend you get in touch with them.

So . . . that’s our big life update. Our whole family is soon entering a brand-new season. But it is one we—like many of you—have been praying for since our kids were born. Those of you who have walked this road before us can surely give us advice for how to navigate it. And we will be learning much that I’m sure we will add into our blogs, podcasts, books and talks on marriage.

The tears will probably still leak out. But we are going to enjoy the journey.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Our Daughter Said Yes!!!We knew this day would come. That little peanut who was born 25 years ago, who we have adored and… What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but… 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the… What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three… How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You…

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You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but wonder: Why does he want sex … again? 

Our research has shown that, for most guys, sex is not primarily a physical need — it’s primarily about a deep emotional longing . . . and emotional connection with you. Here are four things he’s not saying out loud when he reaches over and pulls you close after a long day:

1. ““I want to feel like you want me.”   

Many of us assume sex is mostly a physical need for a guy. And when we are tired, sleep seems like a pretty big physical need too! But there’s so much more going on under the surface. When you respond to him—or initiate sex yourself—it meets a deep emotional need in your man to feel that you desire him. 

Now, of course, plenty of women feel the exact same way! In our research for Secrets of Sex and Marriage, one out of four women are the “higher desire wife.” And if you are one of those women, you will not want to miss our podcast When the Wife Wants More Sex this week with J Parker, author of The Higher Desire Wife. J Parker has a wonderful ministry to this often-overlooked group of women. 

But statistically, we have found that most women truly don’t understand how feeling desired fills a man up emotionally. It gives him a sense of confidence in every other area of his life, not just in the bedroom. On our nationally representative survey for For Women Only, [77%] of men said that was true of them.  

2. “When you aren’t as interested in sex as I am, it makes me feel undesirable.”  

Now, there’s a flip side of that positive feeling—and it, too, is something many of us also miss. It is so easy for a husband to assume that the only reason his wife is “tired” is that she just doesn’t find him desirable. And that is a pretty depressing feeling. But so many hurt feelings are diminished when both partners realize that a perceived lack of interest is often the result of different desire types, not a lack of desire! 

For those with what is called initiating desire, the feeling of desire arrives up front. Our research shows that this is felt by men (59%) more than twice as often as women (24%).  Meanwhile, for those with receptive desire (which is felt by 73% of women!), the feeling of desire is experienced later in sexual engagement.  

So much healing can come for couples in this area simply by understanding the very real differences in play. Tune in to our Common Questions Couples Have About Sex podcast episode(which also dropped this week) with our Secret of Sex & Marriage coauthor, Dr. Michael Sytsma—and listen together as a couple if you can. 

3.  “I love you and want to be closer to you.”    

Most women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. Tension or distance are not part of our recipe for intimacy! In fact, because most women have receptive desire, we are deciding to get intimately engaged with our spouse based on how he has made us feel the rest of the day (or the week…).  

But many men are very different. When he feels tension in the air or when he knows something’s just not right … he misses you. And as it happens, sex is one of the only times that a man’s brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re distant or arguing. But here’s what’s really going on: He’s reaching for you in order to recover the feeling of closeness with you that he longs for.  

Now, of course, if you’ve been feeling really disconnected, you may not be in a place to respond in the moment—and that’s okay. You may want to work some things through and have some talking-type reconnection before you take that step. But it will make so much difference if you see his reaching for you as what it most likely is: not a selfish demand but a signal of a longing to restore closeness.  

4.  “I’m really vulnerable right now. ”   

In my research, many men have told me there is no time that’s more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they initiate intimacy.  

They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?” Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush our man off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. To be clear, there will of course be times when it just isn’t the right time for connection. Our needs matter, too!  

But when that happens, it is especially critical that we reassure our man that we’re not rejecting him. He just went out on a limb to lay his heart in front of you. With a wink, a raincheck, and the reassurance that you love him, you can help the limb not snap. 

If challenges, mismatches, or frustration seem to surround your sex life, you and your spouse may find the hope and healing you need in our book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.  

We conducted the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex, so we hope you’ll not only see yourself in the pages and stories, but will also find actionable, doable steps that help you get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life.  

And don’t forget: check out our newest podcasts, with J Parker for higher desire wives, and with renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma to answer many common sex-related questions! 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex  You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but… 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the… What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three… How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I…

The post What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex   appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Standing at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the center of your marriage. Always. Forever. Until death do you part.

What we can’t imagine is it’s not usually death that “parts” us, at least not in the daily sense of the word. It’s hectic schedules, tension around finances, differing ideas about how often to have sex, and misunderstandings—as in the deeply relatable conversation we just had on the podcast about why it’s important not to take silence personally.

Sometimes, in the stress of daily life, God gets a bit crowded out. For my readers of faith, today’s blog is aimed at how to not let that happen.

This piece actually grew out of a question Jeff and I were asked during the Q & A time at a recent marriage retreat. One woman asked: “What does it look like to put God at the center of marriage?”

In the moment, I shared one particular example (#1 below). But her question got me thinking. How does an abstract concept like ‘Keep God at the center of marriage’ become practical? How do we pull this off when we’re legitimately hurt or disappointed? When day-to-day stress tries to crowd out the centrality of God?

Here are five suggestions, rooted in both research and scripture.  

# 1: Take the first step of humility with your spouse—even when you don’t want to.

It’s the kindness of the Lord that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). When we keep Him “at the center” we’ll remember His kindness to us, and we’ll extend it to our spouse. Even when we really, really don’t feel like it.

I told a story in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages of an author friend who scratches her husband’s back every night. It’s just their thing—a simple act of love.

But what happens when she is upset or mad at him? She said she would sometimes be lying there in bed, fuming, staring at the ceiling, mentally refusing to reach over and scratch his back. What does it look like for her to put God at the center of her marriage in that moment? Out of an agape love that she doesn’t feel right then, she makes her hand move toward her husband and gently scratch his back. She takes the first step toward reconciliation.

Their pattern lines up with our research findings that, among highly happy couples, 69% report that when one spouse takes the initiative to soften or “make up” first, the other spouse generally responds.

In my friend’s case, even when she and her husband are at odds, she decides to let him know he is loved. If you think about it, isn’t that what God did for us in sending Jesus?

#2: Look for ways you can “go beyond” to give and serve.

I’ll start with the caveats. I’m not saying work yourself to the bone, live without boundaries, or become a doormat.

But to keep God—and all He embodied on earth in Jesus—in the center of our marriage, it’s vital to remember that He went out of His way for others. He inconvenienced Himself. He washed feet. He poured Himself out for people. Including people who didn’t deserve it.

As imperfect humans, there’s no way for us to do this perfectly. But we can look for ways we can serve our spouse:

Iron his shirt for tomorrow even though it’s late and you’re both tired.Fill her gas tank when you back her car out of the garage and notice it’s close to E.Take the kids out for breakfast early on a Saturday to let your spouse sleep in.Show interest when your spouse wants to talk by setting your phone down, muting the TV, and listening/asking questions.Initiate intimacy because it’s been a while, and you can guess your spouse is feeling lonely.Watch for all the ways he or she serves you and say thank you, rather than letting those things go unnoticed.# 3: Pray for your spouse when you want to complain

I want to dig into a surprising finding here—one that that might forever influence how you view the idea of praying for your spouse. As I tell audiences all the time (and as I wrote in The Kindness Challenge), when we vent our anger to others, we’re actually building up steam rather than blowing off steam.

What does this have to do with prayer?

In those moments when we’re upset, we have a clear choice: We can talk about our spouse, or we can talk to God about our spouse.

We can vent (even if it’s just to ourselves) or invite. One turns up the heat in our hearts. The other invites a loving God, who, in all wisdom, knows how to restore and heal the pain points in our marriages.

# 4: Guard time together, just the two of you.

I’ve written before about the panic my daughter experienced as a teenager when she learned in a high school psychology class that “marriage date nights were essential if a couple didn’t want to divorce.”

Why was she panicked?

Jeff and I didn’t do many date nights in those years of speaking, writing books, and raising kids. But we did (and still do) make time to have coffee and reconnect many mornings. We love that time together. We wouldn’t trade it.

Your time together may not look like a conventional “date night.” The important thing is that you spend time together—even if it’s hanging out on the back porch after the kids go to bed.

What does this have to do with putting God at the center of your marriage? Well, think about it: How can God possibly be in the center of our marriages if we’re not working toward the oneness God created for marriage?

In our research among very happy couples, 83% of them hang out with their spouse at least weekly—a survey finding in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages that seemed to return our teenage daughter’s blood pressure to 120 over 80.

# 5: Work to love God more than you love your spouse.

All of us know that marriage takes hard work. But what we often miss is that loving God requires attention and “work” as well. When Jesus (in Matthew 22) said to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” and “love your neighbor as yourself” he was talking not about a feeling but about a commandment. A directive of something to do toward God and neighbor. And our most important “neighbor” is our spouse!

Putting God at the center of our marriage means working to love God first. That will not just “happen.” Rather, we must make time for prayer and worship and doing whatever is necessary to keep a vibrant, daily, curious, and intentional walk with Him.

You’ve most likely seen the “marriage triangle.” Print this out or take a screen shot and make it your phone’s screen lock. Remind yourself that as we look to God and get closer to Him, we will also get closer to each other. Not because we are trying to work toward marital oneness (although that is great, too!) but because we are working to get closer to the only One who can take two imperfect people and make them one.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 5 Ways to Keep God at the Center of Your MarriageStanding at the altar in a tux or a flowing white gown, it’s easy to imagine keeping God at the… What To Do When One Spouse Earns All the Income Sam and Sara juggle so much, they might as well be in the circus. Sara stays home with their three… How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the…

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