You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but wonder: Why does he want sex … again? 

Our research has shown that, for most guys, sex is not primarily a physical need — it’s primarily about a deep emotional longing . . . and emotional connection with you. Here are four things he’s not saying out loud when he reaches over and pulls you close after a long day:

1. ““I want to feel like you want me.”   

Many of us assume sex is mostly a physical need for a guy. And when we are tired, sleep seems like a pretty big physical need too! But there’s so much more going on under the surface. When you respond to him—or initiate sex yourself—it meets a deep emotional need in your man to feel that you desire him. 

Now, of course, plenty of women feel the exact same way! In our research for Secrets of Sex and Marriage, one out of four women are the “higher desire wife.” And if you are one of those women, you will not want to miss our podcast When the Wife Wants More Sex this week with J Parker, author of The Higher Desire Wife. J Parker has a wonderful ministry to this often-overlooked group of women. 

But statistically, we have found that most women truly don’t understand how feeling desired fills a man up emotionally. It gives him a sense of confidence in every other area of his life, not just in the bedroom. On our nationally representative survey for For Women Only, [77%] of men said that was true of them.  

2. “When you aren’t as interested in sex as I am, it makes me feel undesirable.”  

Now, there’s a flip side of that positive feeling—and it, too, is something many of us also miss. It is so easy for a husband to assume that the only reason his wife is “tired” is that she just doesn’t find him desirable. And that is a pretty depressing feeling. But so many hurt feelings are diminished when both partners realize that a perceived lack of interest is often the result of different desire types, not a lack of desire! 

For those with what is called initiating desire, the feeling of desire arrives up front. Our research shows that this is felt by men (59%) more than twice as often as women (24%).  Meanwhile, for those with receptive desire (which is felt by 73% of women!), the feeling of desire is experienced later in sexual engagement.  

So much healing can come for couples in this area simply by understanding the very real differences in play. Tune in to our Common Questions Couples Have About Sex podcast episode(which also dropped this week) with our Secret of Sex & Marriage coauthor, Dr. Michael Sytsma—and listen together as a couple if you can. 

3.  “I love you and want to be closer to you.”    

Most women want to feel close outside the bedroom in order to feel close inside the bedroom. Tension or distance are not part of our recipe for intimacy! In fact, because most women have receptive desire, we are deciding to get intimately engaged with our spouse based on how he has made us feel the rest of the day (or the week…).  

But many men are very different. When he feels tension in the air or when he knows something’s just not right … he misses you. And as it happens, sex is one of the only times that a man’s brain releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which brings a great feeling of closeness with someone.  When he reaches for you, you may think, I cannot believe he would want sex now, when we’re distant or arguing. But here’s what’s really going on: He’s reaching for you in order to recover the feeling of closeness with you that he longs for.  

Now, of course, if you’ve been feeling really disconnected, you may not be in a place to respond in the moment—and that’s okay. You may want to work some things through and have some talking-type reconnection before you take that step. But it will make so much difference if you see his reaching for you as what it most likely is: not a selfish demand but a signal of a longing to restore closeness.  

4.  “I’m really vulnerable right now. ”   

In my research, many men have told me there is no time that’s more insecure, scary and vulnerable than when they initiate intimacy.  

They are essentially laying their “desirability” and their heart in front of you and asking, “what do you think of me?” Without realizing it, when we are tired or just not in the mood, it is easy to brush our man off in a way that cuts that vulnerable heart deeply. To be clear, there will of course be times when it just isn’t the right time for connection. Our needs matter, too!  

But when that happens, it is especially critical that we reassure our man that we’re not rejecting him. He just went out on a limb to lay his heart in front of you. With a wink, a raincheck, and the reassurance that you love him, you can help the limb not snap. 

If challenges, mismatches, or frustration seem to surround your sex life, you and your spouse may find the hope and healing you need in our book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.  

We conducted the largest nationally representative study ever conducted with married couples about sex, so we hope you’ll not only see yourself in the pages and stories, but will also find actionable, doable steps that help you get on the same page and create a thriving intimate life.  

And don’t forget: check out our newest podcasts, with J Parker for higher desire wives, and with renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma to answer many common sex-related questions! 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

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