Stephanie Zen's Blog
March 3, 2025
No Pain in Vain
Feels so defeated lately.
It’s not just about things not going as planned—it’s a series of disappointments. And you know what hurts the most? When it comes from the people closest to you, the ones you always defend (belain) and would take a bullet for (bela-belain).
Does it hurt? Of course. I can only recall one other time in my life, maybe 15 years ago, when I cried out to God for weeks and months, asking why things had to happen the way they did.
“I’m not a bad person,” I tell God. “I know everything is within Your control, so why are You letting these things happen to me?”

And it’s not just a one-time thing—it’s a cycle of pain, hurt, and disappointment, one after another. Despite knowing His sovereignty and that He works all things for good, I still find myself asking Him, “Why?”
“You want me to learn something from this? Okay.”
So, I tried to make sense of it. I’ve learned that God always uses pain for a purpose. He uses it to make us move.
In 1 Samuel 9:3, Saul lost his father’s donkeys, which led him on a journey where he eventually met Samuel and was anointed as king of Israel. If the donkeys—something valuable—hadn’t gone missing, Saul wouldn’t have gone looking for them. He would have likely remained in his rich father’s house, living a comfortable life.
In 1 Kings 17:7, God allowed the brook at Kerith to dry up so Elijah wouldn’t stay there, enjoying the comfort of drinking from it and eating the food brought by ravens.
God uses pain to push us out of our comfort zone and into the growth zone.
There is no growth in the comfort zone, and there is no comfort in the growth zone.
Pastor Rick Warren put it wisely,
“God sometimes allows pain in our lives because we won’t change until the pain exceeds our fear of change. He uses pain to get our attention and then moves us toward His purpose.”
It may eventually lead to an anointing, like Saul’s, or to being a blessing, like Elijah was to the widow in Zarephath.
After all, pain in God’s hands is never in vain.
I still don’t know what His plan is for me in all this, but one thing is clear—He’s been getting more of my attention and time than usual. Again, Pastor Rick Warren said,
“God would rather have you in contact and angry than distant and apathetic.”
How true that is. And I’m grateful He did that.
And oh, being hurt by those closest to you? Didn’t Jesus experience the same?
Judas betrayed Him.
Peter denied Him.
Thomas doubted Him.
His inner circle a.k.a Peter-James-John abandoned Him in His time of need in Gethsemane.
The pain we feel? The hurt that cuts deep? Jesus knows exactly how it feels.
Stay close to Him. He understands. And He will never, ever leave you alone.
“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30)
September 28, 2022
Bears No Fruit
This passage speaks a lot to me lately.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes.” (John 15:1-2)

Life has been… pretty much fine. Daunting, yet a bit boring. So much excitement, yet feels draggy. And sometimes, I was just in the mood to blame God for every single dissatisfaction I encountered. Like… why me? What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong?
When, really, nothing serious happened, just boredom, and disappointment when (small) things don’t go as planned. But God is faithful, and in the midst of it all, He’s still the same faithful God who reaches out to me and speaks:
“You know those branches on you that bears no fruit? Dangling and dying… and no longer serve a purpose but you’re just too hesitant to let go? I’m cutting them off. So that you don’t spend your time and energy there and can focus on the branches that has been fruitful, and bear even more fruits there.”
You just have to admit that certain part of your life bears no fruit. Some people, some projects, some plans… just dangling in your life and you just leave it there because you think it’ll be okay.
It’s not.
It’s been consuming your time and energy and it always will. And the only way to be free from it is just to cut it off, to let them go. God doesn’t want to leave it there, so why should you?
Onward to the next harvest!
November 30, 2020
So What? – The Art of Trusting God and All His Plans
How’s your 2020 going?
It’s almost unbelievable that I’m writing this at the last day of November. How time flies, and what happened in 2020 is, by far, beyond words.
But yeah, it reminds me of what my former roommate said:
Anything (good) is possible, because we have God. Anything (bad) is possible, that’s why we need God.
And I’m glad that we have such a reliable God, whom we can always run to in times of need. He is even better than Halmeoni in Start-Up, whom Han Jipyeong can always come back to when life hits rough patch
This renewed understanding, and some things that currently happening in my life, brought me to this lesson:

I’d like to start with this oh-so-familiar verse:

Pernah nggak sih kamu mengalami sesuatu yang kayaknya nggak ada baik-baiknya sama sekali, tapi ternyata pada akhirnya hal tersebut dipakai Tuhan untuk mendatangkan kebaikan?
Gue pernah. Sepuluh tahun lalu, salah satu kejadian super nggak enak yang gue alami somehow memaksa gue untuk “kabur” ke Singapore. It was an unpleasant experience. But, without that unpleasant experience, I wouldn’t be who and where I am today. Gue nggak bakal kuliah di Singapore, kerja di sini, and able to provide for my family. No kidding!
Looking back, I’m so grateful God let me go through that particular experience. Even though most of the consequences was because I made stupid decisions in life, but when I ran to God and repent, He turned that unpleasant experience into a life-changing experience
Yusuf juga pernah mengalami hal yang nggak enak. His brothers sold him to Egypt as a slave. He was slandered, sent to jail, and forgotten by the two men whom he has helped. But look, out of those bad experiences, God made him a leader over Egypt. Through those bad experiences, God saved Egypt, and many other nations, from famine.
Abraham pernah. Daud pernah. Yunus pernah.
Dan Tuhan sanggup mengubahkan semua pengalaman nggak enak itu menjadi cikal bakal A GREATER GOOD.
Masalahnya, ketika kita sedang mengalami hal-hal yang nggak enak itu, kita lupa atau bahkan nggak percaya bahwa Tuhan bisa mengubahkan keadaan. All we see is just the failure, pain, rejection, disappointment…
Ketika kita kehilangan pekerjaan, kita marah sama Tuhan. Ketika kita nggak mendapatkan gebetan yang kita mau, kita marah sama Tuhan. Ketika kita sakit, kita marah sama Tuhan. Ketika business plan yang sudah kita susun baik-baik ternyata morat-marit, kita marah sama Tuhan.
Let me ask you one thing, when life doesn’t go as we planned…

Ketika kita kehilangan pekerjaan, what’s the worst that could happen? Ya kita harus cari kerja lagi. Mungkin selama beberapa waktu mengencangkan ikat pinggang.
Ketika gebetan kita jadian sama orang lain, atau pacar kita selingkuh, what’s the worst that could happen? Ya palingan kita jomblo lagi, cari pacar lagi, malam Minggu kesepian, diledekin temen-temen “kapan nyusul?” dan dibombardir ortu “Mama pengen punya cucu”.
Ketika semua rencana bisnis kita berantakan, what’s the worst that could happen? Ya kita harus nyusun rencana lagi, muter otak lagi.
Tapi, bahkan ketika semua-semua yang the worst itu harus terjadi, God’s got you.
AND YOU HAVE NO BETTER OPTION THAN TO TRUST HIM.
Gue yang sepuluh tahun lalu, mungkin berencana jadi full-time author, live a simple life. But God said, “No, that’s not my plan! My plan is for you to go to Singapore, learn a lot, make changes, be a blessing to your family.”
Yusuf muda mungkin berencana hidup enak. Anak kesayangan Bokap, remember? Tinggal warisi harta dan ternak, ongkang-ongkang kaki deh. But God said, “No, that’s not My plan! My plan is for you to be a leader of Egypt and save the world from famine!”
Daud muda mungkin berencana jadi gembala aja deh, cobaan paling berat di hidupnya cuma ngusir singa dan serigala yang gangguin dombanya. But God said, “No, that’s not My plan! My plan is for you to be the King of Israel!”
And how grateful I am, that in the end, it was God’s plans that prevail. How grateful I am, that David didn’t end up only as a shepherd, Joseph didn’t end up only as a spoiled brat, and Stephanie didn’t end up to just live a simple life

It taught me that I don’t need to worry so much when life doesn’t go as planned.
If my plans screwed up, so what? God’s got me.
If people disappoint me, so what? God’s got me.
If I don’t get the things I want in life, so what? God’s got me.
Not to mention all the magnificent plans He has in store. Trust me, when God cancels your plans, He doesn’t cancel it just for a lousy plan. Been there, learned that, but still need to master it, apparently :”)
Whatever life throws at you right now, my friend, don’t you worry. God’s got you. He is more than able to turn that mess, defeat, disappointment, rejection, pain, into goodness.
All you need to do is do what you’ve gotta do and trust Him.
August 20, 2019
Seasons
Untuk segala sesuatu ada masanya, untuk apapun di bawah langit ada waktunya.
These past 3 months feels like a never-ending roller-coaster in my life.
Kerjaan yang nggak habis-habis, renovasi rumah yang membuatku mendadak misqueen , masalah pribadi, etc etc etc, sampai kadang gue merasa… gue mati rasa.
Tahu kan, kayak kalau lo udah keseringan naik roller-coaster, dan rasanya jadi biasa aja? Dan ketika melihat tukikan tajam lainnya di depan, lo nggak lagi merasa deg-degan tapi justru bilang, “Come on, try me.”
Luckily, I learned quick enough that being stubborn and digging a hiding hole will lead me nowhere. Jadi, gue berusaha mencerna where did I go wrong, what did I do wrong…
… or maybe it’s just the season.
Gue sudah berkali-kali belajar, diajar, dan dihajar oleh Tuhan bahwa there is a season for everything, tapi tampaknya ini pelajaran susah yang harus diulang-ulang terus seumur hidup supaya gue mengerti. And I need to write it down as a reminder, a note to myself, just in case God wants me to retake this class someday
***
Ketika kamu tahu di musim apa kamu berada, misalnya musim dingin, kamu akan tahu baju apa yang harus pakai untuk bertahan hidup (mantel bulu) atau makanan apa yang harus kamu makan untuk menghangatkan diri (sup panas).
Cara beradaptasi ini nggak bisa pukul rata untuk semua musim. Kamu bakal mati kepanasan kalau pakai mantel bulu saat musim panas, dan yaahhh enakan makan es krim ketimbang sup sih kalau pas summer.
So, in order to survive, you gotta know which season you are in.
Next, kamu harus tahu bahwa tidak semua orang mengalami musim yang sama dalam waktu yang sama. Di Australia, musim dinginnya bulan Juni-Agustus, sementara saat itu di USA lagi panas-panasnya. Tapi toh OZ dan US baik-baik aja berbeda kayak gitu, yang satu nggak maksa yang lain untuk ngikutin musimnya.
Kayak umur se-gue gini nih ya, mungkin sebagian besar orang udah sibuk ngurusin anak (kalau buka IG story temen-temen gue ya isinya babies semua, which I loveee ), tapi ya kalau gue belum waktunya masuk di musim itu, nggak berarti bahwa gue nggak baik-baik aja.
Kita sering membandingkan musim kita dengan musim orang lain, dan ujung-ujungnya sedih. Padahal, di saat seperti ini, kamu harusnya lebih banyak MENGASIHI daripada MENGASIHANI diri sendiri
It’s normal to feel down sometimes, just don’t dwell in it.
Last, but not least, seasons will pass. Tidak ada musim yang abadi, tapi bagaimana kamu membiarkan musim itu berlalu, itu bergantung pada pilihan-pilihan yang kamu buat. Kamu bisa membenci musim dingin dengan mendekam di rumah dan mengutukinya, atau… kamu bisa menikmatinya dengan main ice skating di luar sana.
Jadi, sekarang terserah sama kamu, maunya gimana?
January 2, 2019
I Don’t Have New Year’s Resolution, but..
I have goals. Gotcha.
To be honest, I’ve never been a member of new-year’s-resolution-club. Why? Because I am naturally a control-freak. Sort of. So I make plans and goals all year long, not just on year-ends. HAHA.
Yet, last year I have transformed into the laziest planner in the world.
I think I was just too bored for having everything under control, so I decided I will slack off a bit and try go-with-the-flow kind of living.
Hasilnya? Sungguh tidak produktif dan bikin gue stres sendiri
Jadi, 2019 ini gue memutuskan untuk jadi a-more-flexible-version-control-freak, supaya hidup bisa tertata menjadi lebih baik. Of course, semua karena kasih karunia Tuhan, tapi jangan lupa Amsal 24:6 bilang:
Karena hanya dengan perencanaan engkau dapat berperang, dan kemenangan tergantung pada penasihat yang banyak.
Nggak ada rencana = nggak bisa perang. That’s it. Doomed. Apa yang mau kamu minta untuk diberkati sama Tuhan, kalau rencananya aja nggak ada? Mau duduk dan berdoa doang? Ney, ney… kamu harus berdoa DAN berusaha. Dan semua usaha yang baik, berawal dari perencanaan yang baik.
Nah, sebelum kita maju ke rencana 2019.. mari kita review 2018 dulu.
Tahun 2018, walau sedikit slack-off, gue sudah mewujudkan rencana apa aja?
1. Belajar Mandarin
Serius. Akhirnya. Dan gue bukan cuma belajar yang main-main demi bisa sepik sama Chou Tien Chen tapi kursus berbayar yang sekarang udah level 3 (dari total 6 level) di kurikulum kursus gue. Mayan lah, gue udah bisa baca dikit-dikit, ngerti dikit-dikit, nguping obrolan orang dikit-dikit. It’s still a looooong way to go, but I’m sooo glad that I’m finally on the right track.
And in case you’re wondering why do I need to learn Chinese… well, I work in Singapore, and being a bilingual (English-Chinese speaking) here is very beneficial.
One of my job responsibilities is to garner feedback from clients so we can improve our products and services. Klien gue pada bisa ngomong Inggris, tapi kalau lo bisa ngomong Mandarin sama mereka, or at least ngerti apa yang mereka sampaikan dalam bahasa Mandarin, you’ll gain more sincere and straightforward feedback.
Alasan lainnya… karena gue udah 7 tahun lebih di Singapore, masa iya sih gue ga bisa-bisa Mandarin? Lagian gue tipe yang percaya belajar bahasa itu harus dengan cara dipraktekkan. Kalau nggak, lo bakal lupa. Nah, mumpung gue di Singapore, kan sehari-hari bisa praktek Mandarin. Someday kalau gue udah balik ke Indo, mau praktek Mandarinnya gimana? Kan susah, cuy. So, it’s now or never.
2. Renovasi rumah
Baru sepertiga jalan sih, tapi ini udah jadi impian gue sejak mulai kerja. Rumah gue udah tua euy, udah 25 tahun lebih dan banyak bocor di sana-sini, jadi emang udah waktunya direnovasi. Gue patungan sama ortu gue, dan puji Tuhan banget pekerjaan renovasinya udah dimulai dari November kemarin. Target selesainya sih bulan April, doain yaa
3. Punya investasi, asuransi, aset dan dana pensiun
Tahun 2018 adalah tahun di mana gue bukan sekadar melek dengan asuransi, investasi dan konco-konconya, tapi juga tahun di mana gue take action dalam hal-hal ini. Tahun-tahun sebelumnya mah gue iya-iya aja, tapi ngga ada tindakan alias NAKO (No Action, Know Only ). Untungnya, nyokap gue insurance agent, jadi duit royalti novel dan pemasukan gue yang kemarin-kemarin udah lumayan dia selamatkan ke investasi dan asuransi. Tahun 2018, gue yang mulai handle asuransi dan aktif cari investasi sendiri.
Untuk investasi, gue milih Reksa Dana karena anti ribet dan returnnya lumayan banget. Tapi tetap kalau kata Mbak Ligwina Hananto ya: Tujuan lo apa?
Jangan investasi kalau belum tahu tujuannya apa, nanti malah “nyasar” dari tujuan finansial lo.
Buat yang mau belajar Reksa Dana, bisa download ebook gratis dari Finansialku ini ya. Sangat sangaaaat mudah dimengerti dan diterapkan kok. Gue juga belajar dari 0 dan sekarang udah jalan. Jadiiii.. kamu juga pasti bisa! Udah gak zamannya cuma nabung di bank, di bawah bantal, apalagi di kutang.
2019
Now, let’s move forward. Apa saja yang mau gue capai di 2019? (Ini gue share yang for public consumption aja yaaa, ada beberapa yang personal juga tapi ngga bisa gue share, hehe..)
1. I wanna start or achieve something new in my writing career
Be it starting to write online at Wattpad, nulis buku dengan genre yang ngga pernah gue tulis sebelumnya, novel gue diterjemahkan ke bahasa lain, or maybe… a movie-based-on-my-book-deal? I’ll get myself prepared for it.
2. Go to bed before midnight
Seriously, it sounds simple, but it’s soooo difficult to be done, karena gue udah biasa jadi makhluk malam sejak umur 18 tahun. Jam tidur gue tuh ya… selalu di atas jam 1, kemudian besoknya gue bangun telat, yang berujung telat ke kantor, kena late-fine mulu, dan jadi tekor. Di kantor juga jadi susah konsen karena ngantuk mulu padahal udah ngopi. Sigh.
Jadi, 2019 ini gue akan berusaha untuk tidur sebelum tengah malam, biar besoknya jadi lebih produktif dan lebih sehat juga untuk jangka panjang. Hemat duit juga pastinya karena nggak bayar late fine mulu. LOL.
3. Limit sweet drinks’ intake to maximum a cup/glass a day
My mom has been scolding my habit in drinking tea, coffee, and fancy drinks, karena opa-oma gue ada riwayat diabetes Ortu gue syukurlah ngga ada yang kena, but still.. it runs in the family, so I’d better cut down my sugar intake. Siapa tau bisa kurusan juga.
Dan ya, ini sejalan dengan goal #2 di atas. The lesser I drink coffee, the earlier I’ll go to bed. By right.
4. Visit countries I’ve never been before
I’m not a fan of travelling, but yeah, I’d love to visit some new countries these year.
I will definitely travel to Philippines for one of my best friends’ wedding. Other than that, I want to visit Japan (pemanasan buat #Tokyo2020 euy biar ntar nggak kagok ).. and maybe Taiwan? Hwahaha. As a self reward kalau gue udah lulus level 6 Mandarin nanti. Lihat-lihat duitnya deh cukup atau engga.
Sounds like a list of actionable and trackable goals? Okay, let’s do it, 2019!
July 29, 2018
Something Personal
I saw Jesus at the beach.
He was standing there while me, a 4-year-old-version-of-me, was approaching Him with a lunchbox on my hands.
When I finally stood before Him, I opened my lunchbox. There were 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. And I remember vividly how I stared at my lunchbox worriedly while asking Him,
“Is this enough?”
He smiled, as if I was asking Him something funny, and replied,
“It’s enough. It’s always been enough.”
***
I know why I had that vision.
These past few months, I have been struggling with this feeling I’ve never had before.
That I am not enough. Not good enough. Never enough. At work. In my relationships. Anytime. Anywhere.
I have been having this pressure that I could have been better, that if only I tried harder… until I reached a point where I just don’t care anymore, and let life goes on.
But this feeling still lies within, like a time bomb ticking, you just need to wait for it to explode.
Jesus knows. He always does. And He gave me the chance to just let it all out.
He wanted me to know, that whatever I have done, even though others might not feel the same, even though I don’t feel like it is… for Him it’s enough. It’s always enough. I’m always enough.
But why I saw a 4-year-old-version-of-me, that remains a mystery.
***
A friend of mine is struggling at this moment either. She has been juggling with work, study (she’s taking Master in Business Management), her need to find a new house, and not to mention financial issues.
She is currently sharing a room with 2 other girls, and she found it hard to study due to the noise. But, to rent a room on her own would cost her a fortune. So she’s trying to just keep up with it, while keeping a desire to have a room for her own. She never revealed this to anyone, as she is afraid to be judged for wanting too much
But of course, God knows.
She and her housemates finally found a mansionette (two storeys) apartment, where she will be sharing a room with another girl. Her housemates told her that any household activities (gathering, cooking, etc) will be done on the first story, so it won’t disturb her if she needs to study in her room, which located at the second storey. And what’s even better? The room rental fee are shared equally and it’s within her budget.
She told me, “When God answers prayers, it’s always very personal. You’ll know that it’s for you. And because you never shared the concern to anyone, you’ll know that He is able to answer in such way because He knows you.”
***
At that moment, I know why I saw a 4-year-old-version-of-me in my vision.
My mom gave birth to my brother when I was 4 year old. From that day on, I have to shared my parents’ love, time, and attention with him. Not that I hate my bro (I love him soooo much, trust me! ), but his birth has surely brought changes into my life.
The 4-year-old-version-of-me, was the worry-and-jealousy-free version of me. The carefree and “whole” version of me, because I know I have everything I want, everything I need. The I-have-nothing-to-worry-about-tomorrow version of me.
And God wants me to be that version of me again.
That other than I’m always enough for Him, He wants me to have no worry, to rely on Him, and be whole.
I am never aware of this. This is my blind spot. But God knows, and He wants me to know.
Indeed, when God answers prayers, it’s always been very personal.
You’ll know that it’s for you. You’ll know that He knows you. Every fibre of your being, every single desire.
And knowing that, you’ll have nothing to worry over tomorrow.
***
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, here’s the 4-year-old-version-of-me looks like. And I’ve told you that I love my bro, right? Otherwise I wouldn’t carry him. HAHA.
December 19, 2017
The Minions’ Hoo-Ha 😂
So, my Minions closed this year with their Dubai Superseries Finals’ title and a new world record: the first Men’s Doubles pair who ever won 7 Superseries titles in a calendar year
Oh, and they won BWF Male Player of the Year 2017 too.
I’ve had the faith that they’re gonna win it all.
And they did.
And they totally deserve it.
Their perseverance and hard works.. semangat juang dan sikap pantang menyerah di lapangan.. dan terlepas dari Sinyo (Gideon) yang cedera leher dan bahu di hari pertama di Dubai tapi memutuskan untuk terus bermain…
You made us very proud, Minions. Super duper proud.
But what’s kinda shocking me is what comes after that. Karena Minions juara dan memecahkan rekor dunia, liputan dan berita mengenai mereka jadi banyak banget, and it finally came to… *eng ing eng*
Dari mana nama julukan Minions berasal?
I mean, my Twitter followers (I guess) knew about it since long time ago, dan dulu pernah ada tulisan tentang ini juga di Merdeka.com, LINE Today, plus tweet mimin Djarum Badminton yang baik hati dan tidak sombong, hehe.
Badminton World Federation juga beberapa kali menggunakan nickname ini di artikel mereka.
But this time… it’s really a hoo-ha
I woke up to this article last Monday, and almost got a heart attack. Hahaha.
Kompas is one of the biggest (or it is) Indonesia’s news portals and I got my name mentioned there? Totally jaw-dropping.
The next day is even more overwhelming, as Kak Putra Tegar from CNN Indonesia (who is my favourite sport journalist, o-em-jiii) contacted me and ask if we can have an interview about Minions’ nickname.
Trying to pinch and telling myself that it is real, we did the interview and the articles (yes, I got 2 articles ) were written magnificently heartwarming (as always) by Kak Putra Tegar.
Click on the image to read the full article
Oh my, I’m so happy I can burst into tears of joy. Not because of myself, but because all that Kevin/Gideon have achieved and I, somehow, considered as a (tiniest) part of it.
I’m nobody. I’m just a badminton lover who happened to came up with the nickname and apparently people like it because it resembles Kevin/Gideon perfectly (mini, but super-fast and attractive, lol).
But while I still had the goosebumps, on the same day, I saw my Twitter notification tab got exploded by mentions from my followers…
What is this? I made it into national TV’s prime time new program? And they said I got my social media profile zoomed there? TV???
So when I reached home that evening, I searched for the news on YouTube and here you go… (videonya gue cepetin di bagian yang ada guenya, tapi lo bisa nonton berita tentang Minions di beberapa menit sebelumnya)
Goks. Super duper goks
Luckily, I didn’t put any alay pic on my Twitter. Thankfully, they screened a tweet about Minions there, not the tweet about my curcol abis-ini-bakal-ditinggal-nikah-idola *ya kaleee*.
But still, never once in my mind I imagined that it would go this far. I’m good with seeing Minions playing happily and winning titles… I am content. The spotlight is theirs. After all, it’s about their achievements. Nickname Minions juga ga bakal ada tanpa tokoh utamanya: Kevin/Gideon
Nevertheless, thank you, buat semua yang ikut mempopulerkan julukan Minions. Ikut RT, quote tweet, mention kalau ada gue “nyelip” di berita, heheu. Dan makasih banyakkk untuk semua media dan account yang sudah menulis tentang julukan Minions. I really appreciate that
Semoga nama Minions bisa terus menjadi berkat dan mengharumkan nama Indonesia ya.
Salam Minions!
July 9, 2017
How Much are You Willing to Pay?
So I was listening to Hillsong Worship’s Grace to Grace when this thought strucked my mind.
How much are you willing to pay to have someone’s heart?
I mean, I’m that kind of person who give it all when I truly love something. By “all” here, I mean time, energy, attention. You all know that I’m so into badminton, I travel just to watch a tournament. I spent money (that my friends would normally spend for holiday or staycation) to buy tickets for badminton events.
And I love makeups. Duh. I do
And you don’t wanna know how much I spent on those lipsticks. Trust me.
But for someone… how much are you willing to pay?
It’s easy if that someone is your dearest. Your spouse. Your child. Your boyfriend or girlfriend. Your dad. Your mom.
But how if this someone is someone who is on-and-off to you? Someone who, most of the times, take you for granted. Someone who keeps disappointing you. The one who does not keep his or her word. Someone who intentionally and/or unintentionally hurting you. Someone who fails you over and over again.
How much are you willing to pay to have this particular person’s heart?
To have my heart, Jesus paid it with His life.
When I said someone who is on-and-off, who takes for granted, who keeps disappointing, who does not keep her words, who intentionally or unintentionally hurting, who fails over and over again, I was referring to myself.
Yet, I bet, Jesus has never regretted that He has paid the price to have my heart. Not a single second.
And I’m forever grateful for that.
If having my heart was worth the pain
What joy could You see beyond the grave
If love found my soul worth dying for
If freedom is worth the life You raised
Oh where is my sin where is my shame
If love paid it all to have my heart
How wonderful
How glorious
My Saviour’s scars
Victorious
My chains are gone
My debt is paid
From death to life
And grace to grace.
June 29, 2017
Things Take Time
This is what I learned when I run to chase my bus this morning. The very first time I run after I fell down and got my leg sprained two weeks ago.
These are not my legs :’) Photo is for illustration purposes only.
Dua minggu lalu, gue jatuh di halte, pas ngejar bus ke kantor juga It was pretty bad sampai celana bahan gue sobek, dan dua hari nggak bisa jalan. Sampai sekarang juga gue masih pakai sandal ke mana-mana (sepatunya belum muat karena kakinya bengkak
) dan kaki yang keseleo juga masih kaku banget.
Tapi, tadi pagi gue terpaksa lari demi mengejar bus.. dan rasanya kayak lari pake kaki kayu Padahal, udah nggak sabar pengen main oBike lagi, pengen jogging lagi (pencitraan)..
But it feels like I’m being reminded that… things take time.
Healing takes time.
Love takes time.
Success takes time.
It’s just so sync with the message that I got yesterday:
It’s definitely not easy for me. I’m a choleric and I like to be in control. The wait-and-delay game frustrates me. But, as Ps. Steven Furtick once said,
The only way God can show us He’s in control is to put us in situations we can’t control.
I am glad He is teaching me this, and as usual, I find Him more trustworthy than me, myself.
So, don’t rush. Do your part, and pray while you wait. Someday, you will understand the delay.
March 18, 2017
Kevin, Gideon, Minions, dan All England
It’s been a week since Marcus Fernaldi Gideon and Kevin Sanjaya Sukamuljo clinched their first ever All England title. Yet, it still feels so surreal to me :’)
Gue pertama lihat Kevin/Gideon di pertandingan beregu di SEA Games 2015. Waktu itu udah lamaaa gue gak ngikutin badminton gegara kerja dsb. Tapi nggak tau kenapa, saat melihat Kevin/Gideon di SEA Games 2015 itu gue jadi deja vu… seperti melihat lagi Ricky Soebagdja/Rexy Mainaky di Olimpiade Atlanta 1996, momen yang membuat gue pertama kali jatuh cinta pada bulutangkis.
They finished as second best at SEA Games 2015, lost to their seniors, Angga Pratama/Ricky Karanda Suwardi. And this is the beginning of the story of how I have my eyes on them.
Kevin/Gideon yang bikin gue jadi semangat ngikutin bulutangkis lagi. They’ve brought back the feeling and excitement I’ve forgotten for almost 7 years. Padahal waktu itu bisa dibilang mereka masih “bukan siapa-siapa”. Di bawah bayang-bayang Hendra/Ahsan dan Angga/Ricky pokoknya. But I have faith in them!
Seperti ada sesuatu dalam diri mereka, the X factor which I could not explain, yang bikin gue percaya, suatu hari nanti mereka akan jadi bintang besar. Mereka memang terbilang “mini” untuk ukuran pemain ganda putra (Gideon 169 cm, Kevin 170 cm), tapi lincahnya bukan main! Kalau di lapangan, seperti bisa membal ke sana kemari dengan sangat cepat! That’s why, and how, I started to call them “Minions”
Gue sempat ketemu Gideon pas SEA Games 2015 itu. Sama Angga, Ricky, Kevin, Jordan, Debby dan beberapa atlet lainnya juga, di daerah City Hall. Ajegile, pas ketemu mah I totally got star-strucked, tapi muka badak aja nyapa dan ngajak foto bareng. Yang sama Kevin nggak sempat foto bareng, soalnya doi lagi.. beli pulsa, dan malah kelihatan nervous gitu gue samperin. MWAHAHA. Harusnya sih gue yang nervous, Vin.
With Ricky and Gideon. Aslinya mah minian gue daripada Gideon :’)
Di beberapa turnamen paska SEA Games, Minions masih suka naik-turun, nggak stabil. Mungkin mereka masih berusaha nyari pola permainan yang cocok, masih beradaptasi.
Waktu mereka merangsek ke final Taipei Grand Prix Gold 2015, I know the time has come. Memang mereka akhirnya kalah dari Zhang Nan/Fu Haifeng di final, but deep inside I believe they are on the right track.
Muka Gideon sedih amat, rasanya pengen gue puk-puk :’)
Sampai akhirnya mereka jadi juara di Taipei Grand Prix, akhir 2015…
Kemudian, juara Malaysia Grand Prix Gold di awal 2016…
Lalu gelar Super Series pertama mereka di India Super Series 2016…
Lanjut ke Australia Super Series 2016…
Naik level lagi ke juara China Super Series Premiere 2016…
Dan puncaknya mereka juara di All England, turnamen bulutangkis tertua di dunia yang jadi mimpi begitu banyak pebulutangkis terkenal. I truly, seriously, definitely, couldn’t be happier
***
I cried the night they won their All England title.
Because I was too happy. Too proud. And too worry. It’s all mixed up to the extent I couldn’t name the feeling.
In his interview with BWF, Kevin said, “This is an extraordinary feeling. It was my childhood dream to win the All England. I didn’t expect it to happen so soon but I am extremely happy.”
You know what? I didn’t expect it to happen this soon, either :’)
And the victory has brought them as BWF WORLD #1 RANK IN MEN’S DOUBLES
I’ve seen them fought. Lost. Won. Fell. Rose again. Makin banyak yang kenal mereka, yang menaruh harap pada mereka. Mereka bukan lagi “bukan siapa-siapa”. And I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready that now I have to share my happy-little-world of Minions with hundred thousands of people, or even millions, out there.
I saw Kevin/Gideon’s fan base accounts emerge in social media. I saw more and more people cheer for both of them. I read how much they adore Kevin and Gideon.
And I worry that it will only be temporary.
Sooner or later, there will be time when Minions don’t end up as a champion. Mungkin mereka akan kalah di R1, R2, quarter final, semifinal, bahkan di final itu sendiri. Mereka mungkin akan kecewa, mengecewakan, dikecewakan.
And being a BL (Badminton Lover) myself, I know how mean, rude, and harsh the comment could be, if Minions fail to meet the expectation. I might say, “Who cares?” But my heart is still wrecked whenever I read those heartless comments. I feel like saying, “How dare you! You just know them recently, you have no idea how hard they have been fighting for this!”
*kemudian toyor kepala mereka satu-satu*
Gue yang pertama menjuluki mereka Minions, dan sekarang gue melihat julukan itu beredar di mana-mana. I still got a tingling feeling when I read the nickname at Kompas, when I heard it at Kevin/Gideon’s interview at Metro TV, but more than everything… I am happy Itu berarti, Kevin/Gideon bukan lagi Minions idola gue saja, tapi sekarang idola banyak orang.
Semua perasaan campur aduk yang gue rasakan itu sudah berhasil ditutupi oleh perasaan bangga, because I have witnessed them grow from zero to hero.
Asem, kok gue jadi merasa kayak ibu yang bahagia melihat anaknya tumbuh dewasa?
Afterall, I wanna say thank you, Kevin Sanjaya Sukamuljo/Marcus Fernaldi Gideon, my Minions.. our Minions, for letting me seeing you grow. Won. Lost. Got back on your feet. Walk. Run. And now fly. Keep up the good fight and win more races!
Tetap jadi Kevin yang medhok, tukang molor. Juga Gideon yang suaranya cempreng (ini beneran gue kaget pertama dengar suaranya, LOL) tapi dewasa. Keep being you.
I’ll see you next month!
PS: Bonus foto bareng Kevin di World Championship 2015 (waktu itu doi belum ikutan, tapi mudah-mudahan tahun ini Juara Dunia, yess?) dan Djarum Superliga 2017 di Surabaya.