Barb Winters's Blog

As a Cybersecurity Instructor, Research Scientist, and Teacher, Barb Fox knows about technology and how to explain safety in a tech world to parents and students. I love, love the analogy she presents in order for us to understand cyber hygiene.

My children loved searching for treasures. I humored them as they scoured parking lots for coins or waded in creeks to find rusty bicycle wheels. But when it came to public restrooms, that was a different story. Pennies and abandoned toys stayed on the floor. Every time we went into a public bathroom, I reminded them about what was safe to touch and what was not. Those public places also prompted lessons on privacy. Close the door. Lock the door. And don’t peek where you shouldn’t peek.

These same precious kids need similar “cyber hygiene” training to protect their safety and privacy in the digital world.

1. Close the door

               “When you go into a stall, close the door. Nobody else needs to watch you do your business.”  

Yet our kids don’t realize that when they post videos, especially live ones, they may be inviting strangers into their private world. Have them watch one of Jose Monkey’s videos[1] to see how easily strangers can figure out their location. When a friend dares them to take a compromising photo, help them realize that this picture will likely be shared with thousands of other people and will come back to haunt them time and time again.

               What we do in our bathrooms is not secret, but it should be private. Let’s try to help our children understand the difference.

2. Lock the door

               “As soon as you enter the stall, close the door and lock it.”

Our passwords act as a lock on the doors to a cyber world. If our kids share those passwords, other people can enter that stall uninvited. Encourage them to use a different password for each website. When one of those sites is compromised (and many will be compromised over time), criminals may gain access to all their accounts. If your child is still not convinced, take them to Have I Been Pwned[2]  and enter your own email address. Mine shows twenty-four breaches, most of which included password dumps to the dark net.

And if your kids complain they can’t remember all those passwords, help them download a password manager to their phone.

3. Wash your hands

               “Don’t forget to wash your hands.”

When we finish messy work, we wash our hands to scrub away unwanted germs that could make us sick. When using public Wi-Fi, explore using a VPN (Virtual Private Network) to reduce chances of catching viruses and other malware. Regularly clearing out browser cache and not accepting cookies are other good practices for cyber hygiene. Work with your children to establish this good habit. Many malware strains target web browsers, so the fewer cookies, the fewer potential problems. Accepting cookies on every website, saving every password into a web browser, and leaving phones unlocked can be like forgetting to wash our hands.

Another good idea is to help your children reduce targeted ads by using a browser like DuckDuckGo. Fewer tempting offers translates to fewer clicks where they might accidentally “catch” something nasty.

One of the best ways to keep bugs from making our devices sick is to keep web browsers and operating systems up-to-date. Hackers discover vulnerabilities in software that can be exploited, so companies release patches that fix those problems. Patching sanitizes software to avoid future infections.

Passwords = locks. VPN = soap. Safe sites = clean stalls. Teach your kids 5 simple cyber hygiene rules. Eww: 5 Tips for Cyber Hygiene #digitalsafety #onlinesafety
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4. Avoid the gross stall and don’t peek under someone else’s door

               “Eww.”

If you are like me, you probably can’t count the number of times you have hurried into a restroom, flung open a stall door, then said “Nope!” When there is toilet paper on the floor and an unflushed bowl, I usually turn around and choose a different stall.

We can help our kids recognize the same thing in the cyber world. Their friends tell them about places where they can download free copies of their favorite games. They are not free. Even silly little phone games or what appear to be legitimate games can come loaded with nasty surprises.[3] Websites with unlicensed copies of music or homework assignments often act as watering holes for drive-by-downloads that can infect computers without ever clicking on a link or performing a download.[4]

Studies report that up to one in three downloads from pirated sites lead to malware infections.[5] And that means a very sick computer. Remote Access Trojans, for example, can turn on cameras, record audio, download ransomware, and upload files from your child’s device, and they may never know it.

Remind them to only use clean “stalls,” well-reputed sites with legit software from known companies.

And besides, it’s also “Eww” to look where you shouldn’t look. And that includes illegal, unethical, or sexual content.

5. Did you wash your hands?

As a parent, how many times have you spoken those words? Hundreds, right? Yet we think our children will practice good cyber hygiene if we give them one lecture on “visit only legitimate sites,” “never take compromising selfies,” and “use a different password for each account.” Let’s help them build good habits by reminding them gently, but often.

Find ways to let them know that the accountability is high. Keep the computer in the family room, not their bedroom. If that’s not feasible, consider investing in white-listing services. These limit digital devices and phones to only run pre-approved apps or only text people already in a contact list.[6]

It’s easy once you learn how

Your little children didn’t know how to keep safe in public restrooms, but your diligence helped them build habits that are now effortless to maintain. Let’s help our kids develop healthy digital habits, cyber hygiene, the same way. We can invest time and energy today that will help them maximize privacy and safety for the rest of their lives.

A huge thank you to Barb Fox for sharing her knowledge with us. If you found this post helpful, please share it with your friends and family. Check out Barb’s new book here: Love Beyond Labels: When Finances Flip.

[1] https://josemonkey.com/

[2] https://haveibeenpwned.com/

[3] “Did You Download This Steam Game? Sorry, It’s Windows Malware”, https://www.pcmag.com/news/did-you-download-this-steam-game-sorry-its-windows-malware,

[4] https://www.pcmag.com/news/did-you-download-this-steam-game-sorry-its-windows-malware, https://nordlayer.com/blog/what-is-drive-by-download/, “What are drive-by download attacks and how do they work?”

[5] https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna51339253, “Malware from Pirated Software Costs Billions”

[6] https://homeschoolchristianmom.com/internet-accountability/, Microsoft Family Safety, Google Family Link

The post Eww: 5 Tips for Cyber Hygiene appeared first on HOPEFUL MOM.

“In 2022, my just turned 15-year-old daughter met someone on an app who posed as a 16-year-old.” I read this on Facebook. This mom continued explaining her story which lasted over two years. Her daughter had an eight-month long “relationship” with this poser before breaking it off. From that point, he exploited, stalked, harassed, and bullied the daughter and family.

When the daughter told her mother about this “friend,” this mom went into “mom mode.” You know what I mean—some Mama Bear action, defending, plotting, advocating, and all-out persisting.

Mom spent over a year trying to protect her daughter from this relentless person. He “used at least four social media platforms and 130 social media display names to pose as a minor and interact with minors on social media.” [i] This man, who was actually 21, not 16, repeatedly contacted and threatened the daughter and her family, even after her mother had called the police and Attorney General and filed a restraining order against him.

A mom fights for her child to protect her from a predator. As parents, we are called to protect and advocate for our children. The Advocate Every Child Needs #hopefulmom #parenting
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Finally, Mom walked into the FBI office. She said, “I had in my hands probably 300 or more screenshots, and I begged them to help me. I was scared for my daughter’s life.”

Through their investigation, the FBI learned of other victims. He “used those accounts to persuade minor victims to engage in sexual conduct and to produce child sexual abuse material. [He] allegedly received that material, possessed it, and distributed some of that content to other minors, including classmates of one of his victims.”[ii]

Thankfully, because of Mom’s advocacy and persistence, a grand jury indicted this predator “with coercion and enticement of minors, production, distribution, and possession of child pornography [child sexual abuse material], and cyberstalking.”[iii] He awaits trial.

A Parent’s Powerful Role

This mom’s story is maddening.

What struck me most about this post, though, was Mom’s closing words to us parents. “You are your child’s biggest advocate. If you know something is wrong don’t stop fighting for your child. I hit dead end after dead end after dead end. But my daughter can finally live her life free from this monster.”

Mom did not accuse her child. She didn’t scold her daughter for talking with a stranger online. She wasn’t angry because her daughter sent inappropriate photos. (I’m making an assumption here, but it stands to reason given the exploitation and ultimate charges.) She also didn’t blame her daughter for the stalker’s actions. Instead, she defended, protected, and advocated.

One of our highest priorities as parents is to protect and advocate.

How to Protect Your Teen Online

Whether you believe “Delay is the Way,” or you grant your child access to online devices at an early age, it’s your job to understand the pros and cons of internet surfing and social media scrolling. Is this fair? No. But, it’s life. Therefore, we need to understand and explain the dangers to our children before allowing them access to the internet or installing apps on their devices.

Officer Gomez summed up Snapchat in the above flowchart. But let’s face facts, these are behaviors we see on all games and social media apps, including Instagram, TikTok, Discord, and Roblox.

Research each app and device, add filters to your Wi-Fi and devices, use parental controls, and talk, talk, talk with your children. Explain the dangers. If they aren’t old enough and mature enough to understand why they should walk away from an unhealthy situation, or they aren’t brave enough to say no to their peers, then say no for them.

Your Teen Needs an Advocate—Not a Critic

Will your child succumb to peer pressure? Will they make poor choices? Will they fail to heed your advice? Probably. At least once.

But we are still their best hope. They are not the enemy. The enemy is the one luring our children into toxic behavior. The drug dealers. The pornography industry. The predator down the street. The social media app algorithms.

Rather than alienate your children, be available. To prevent. To protect. To stand firm in your decisions. And to advocate for them when they are in trouble. They need you. Our children are a work in progress (just like us). When they make unhealthy decisions, support them, encourage them, listen to them, and go to bat for them. Fight for them. Like the Mama Bear in our story above.

[i] https://www.justice.gov/usao-sc/pr/ohio-man-indicted-south-carolina-exploiting-and-stalking-minors-social-media

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Ibid.

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Note from Barb : I highly respect Heidi Olson and the work she does as a sexual assault nurse examiner. I asked her to educate us on the connection between pornography and child sexual assault because we need to know. While this information is disturbing, we can’t ignore it. A huge thank you to Heidi and others like her in the trenches with our children helping, protecting, and educating. Warning: This article contains information about child-on-child sexual assault and various themes in pornography.

Disclaimer from Heidi: I try not to use the word perpetrator when talking about children with problematic sexual behaviors, because they are victims of a predatory porn industry, their brains are still developing, and often do not understand the full ramification of their choices, and while this doesn’t negate harm they’ve caused, the issue of child-on-child sexual assault is extremely complex.

Who Are the Offenders?

When I became a pediatric sexual assault nurse examiner, I had a stereotype in my mind of what a perpetrator would look like. Predators conjure up an image of a creepy old man in a white van who lures children to him with kittens and candy. But the reality of what is happening to children is much more disturbing than I could have imagined. About a decade ago, I started to notice a pattern that many of the sex offenders weren’t old men (although those predators certainly exist), but they were actually children and teenagers (and these were instances of real sexual harm, not normal sexual development or curiosity).

I started digging through research and data from the hospital where I was working and what I found shocked me. Data showed that anywhere from 1/3 to almost 1/2 of those committing sexual assaults are minors themselves. In fact, the age range most likely to commit sexual assaults are 11–15-year-old-males, (1) with research showing that 14-year males are the highest risk to engage in this behavior. (2)

It’s not just a phenomenon that’s isolated to the United States. This trend is being echoed across many different countries, with the United Kingdom publishing data last year highlighting that the majority of their sex offenders are now minors. (3)

When most people hear about a child sexually abusing another child, they immediately assume the offender is a victim of sexual abuse themselves, but that is not always the case. Sometimes the offender does have a history of sexual abuse, but there are other variables that contribute to a child sexually harming another child. This includes having a history of neglect, attachment trauma, or physical abuse. (4)

And an increasingly common theme that children are disclosing is that pornography deeply influenced their problematic sexual behavior. There is a correlational and causational relationship between porn use and sexual violence with over 100 peer-reviewed research articles detailing the connection. (5)

Sexual Assault Victims

Jayden* was a 4-year-old male, who disclosed a sexual assault to his parents that happened at the hands of his 11-year-old sister. She played pornography on her iPad during the assault, so he could watch and learn what to during the next assault. As far as the parents knew, the daughter had never been sexually assaulted herself.

We also took care of Natalie*, a 12-year-old female, who was brutally raped in a parking lot by a 16-year-old male she had met online. She did not think she had been assaulted, because she had been, “looking at and masturbating to porn every single day” for the last 7 years. This started when her parents gave her an iPad at the age of 5, and she accidentally stumbled on porn. The violent images had desensitized her to the point that she could not recognize that she had been sexually assaulted, because she was convinced sexual violence was normal.

Brain Research

Research shows the more that children view pornography, the more likely they are to act out what they are watching. (6) A survey done with 11–16-year-olds showed that the majority of the boys want to copy the acts they are seeing in porn. (7) This makes sense in the context of mirror neurons.

Dr. Sharon Cooper, a forensic pediatrician stated, “Imagery definitely affects children…when a child sees this image of adult pornography the mirror neurons that are in their brain will convince them that they are actually experiencing what they are seeing.”(8) When children see pornography, their mirror neurons cause their brains to become prematurely sexualized and they want to act out the explicit content they’ve been exposed to.

 

This was apparent when we cared for a 13-year-old female who was raped by her 16-year-old brother. He told her, “I was looking at porn in my room and couldn’t stop thinking about it.” As he began his assault.

Mainstream porn, what kids are stumbling onto, is extremely violent and degrading. Popular themes include incest, racism, rape fantasies, strangulation, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, multiple men penetrating one woman, and ejaculation on the face. (9)  In fact, many teenagers are strangling each other during sexual encounters and assaults, because they are seeing it in porn, without the faintest idea that strangulation can cause brain damage or even be lethal. (10)

Pornography teaches young girls that self-exploitation is normal and even desirable. Kids are so desensitized to seeing naked bodies, it’s not a red flag when friends or strangers ask them for nudes. In fact, it’s a compliment, because someone thinks they are “hot.” They are watching influencers become rich and famous through porn sites like OnlyFans, with seemingly no downsides.

The porn industry is traumatizing kids on multiple levels. From the children who are exposed to pornography early in life, to the children who are sexually abused because pornography influenced an offender to act out. It gets even more complex for families who are navigating dynamics of one sibling harming another or parents who are dealing with school districts where children have been sexually assaulted at school by a peer.

What Parents Can Do

There are several important things that we can do to prevent and mitigate the harm that pornography is creating. Having honest conversations with kids about pornography in age-appropriate ways is one of the biggest safeguards we can implement. It’s also important that kids have friends in real life, purpose, and secure attachment with adults, which will decrease their risk factors for developing problematic sexual behaviors.

But what if a child is already acting out in sexually harmful ways? First, we need to approach the child in a calm manner. Children who are struggling with problematic porn use or acting out, need support, therapy, and safe relationships. The good news is that when children receive treatment, the rates at which they will re-offend decrease dramatically (look for MST-PSB or CBT-PSB programs where the root cause is addressed).

For the child that has been sexually abused, remain calm during a disclosure, believe them (children rarely lie about sexual assault disclosures), and protect them. (CLICK HERE for A Caregiver’s Survival Guide.) This may mean supervised or limited contact with the offender. Both children need support and care. While this topic is sensitive, complex, and challenging, it’s far more common than people realize and there is hope for healing.

*Names have been changed for privacy

For more information about Heidi Olson and her work, visit her website, Paradigm Shift. For a PDF on Problematic Sexual Behavior in Children and Youth: Vulnerability and Protective Factors, CLICK HERE.

References:

Children’s Mercy Kansas City. (2015-2024). Redcap database.Finkelhor, D. (2012). Characteristics of crimes against juveniles. Durham, NH: Crimes against Children Research Center.Dodd, V. (2024). Children now ‘biggest perpetrators of sexual abuse against children”. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/jan/10/children-now-biggest-perpetrators-of-sexual-abuse-against-childrenNational Center on the Sexual Behavior of Youth. Adolescents. Retrieved from https://www.ncsby.org/adolescentsMala..., N. M., Addison, T. & Koss, M. P. (2000).  Pornography and sexual aggression: Are there reliable effects and can we understand them?  Annual Review of Sex Research, 11, 26-91.Wright, P. J. (2014). Pornography and the sexual socialization of children: Current knowledge and a theoretical future. Journal of Children and Media, 8(3), 305-312.Buljubasic, V. (2018). UK study shows most boys think online pornography is realistic. Retrieved from https://www.collectiveshout.org/uk_study_shows_most_boys_think_online_pornography_is_realisticJenson, K. (2012). Top two reasons why children’s brains are vulnerable to pornography. Retrieved from https://www.protectyoungminds.org/2012/06/01/top-two-reasons-why-childrens-brains-are-vulnerable-to-pornographyFight the New Drug. (2018). 5 popular porn categories that are considered sexy online but are disturbing in reality. Retrieved from https://fightthenewdrug.org/5-popular-porn-categories-that-are-considered-sexy-online-but-are-disturbing-in-reality/Orenstein, P. (2024). The troubling trend in teenage sex. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/12/opinion/choking-teen-sex-brain-damage.html#

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Body language is a crucial element to communication–especially when parenting teens. (See end of post for an upcoming event.)

“Do you need a minute?” I asked my daughter. I saw she was upset and on the verge of tears. She struggled to articulate her problem and the emotions it evoked.

“Yes.” Her shoulders relaxed, and the tears flowed.

I put my arm around her and waited quietly. I knew from experience that sitting with her while she cried would help her work through her emotions and communicate more effectively.

After a few minutes, it all came tumbling out. Her car was acting up again, and she’d nearly been in an accident. A valid reason for the emotional turmoil.

A day later the car was fixed, and my daughter’s emotions were normalized. I’m grateful I’d been available, sensed her need, and responded appropriately.

Constant Communication

“We send and receive messages all day: a look, a sound, a gesture, the way we walk, the way we pause mid-sentence, the way our voices rise and fall, a text, a post, a note, laughing, crying, smiling, frowning. These are all messages. Whether intentional or unintentional, whether perceived or real, we transmit ideas and opinions throughout the day to those in our vicinity.” (excerpt from Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships, p. 120)

Body Language

“A high percentage of messages are communicated through body language. We lean in when we’re engaged. We back up when we’re disinterested or afraid. We tower over someone to show power and lower ourselves to show equality. Toddlers poke their parents to get their attention. Teens bat their eyes or flip their hair to flirt. They strut their stuff in confidence or slouch and hang their heads when feeling unnoticed, insecure, or ashamed.” (excerpt from Sexpectations p. 129)

Parenting well means decoding the messages no one says out loud. Our job requires awareness of our body language, as well as interpreting our children’s signals. Not an easy task, yet one that’s necessary to build trust and nurture healthy relationships.

Maybe a child’s overreaction or lack of concern baffles you. Their response seems out of sync with the situation.

And yet, I too sometimes send mixed signals, and others misinterpret my body language.

My face is descriptive. Easily read. Others can tell if I’m annoyed, frustrated, bored, or agitated. And they react to my signal. Unfortunately, misreadings can instigate improper responses. For example, if my child misinterprets my concentration face as, “I’m mad at you,” or “I’m not listening to you,” they may feel devalued. That’s a message I never want to send.

Reading body language becomes especially challenging during tense situations or difficult conversations. I’m careful to check myself. Does my body language invite openness rather than show contempt? Is my facial expression one of curiosity and concern rather than judgment? Am I providing a quiet space for my child to think about her responses?

Our Signals

Sometimes my body language reflects my intense feelings—anger, hurt, fear—but I don’t want that emotion to interfere with the conversation. When I sense my child is reacting to one of these signals, I address it.

“I am angry right now, but I still love you. My response to this situation will not be based on anger.” (I may need a cooling-off period before continuing the conversation.)“I am deeply hurt, but I realize you didn’t intentionally hurt me. I will recover, and whatever decisions we make regarding this problem won’t be based on me or my feelings. I love you, and it’s my job to protect you, and I will do my best to do that.” (I may need a time-out to forgive and get past my hurt.)“I am afraid something terrible may happen, but we won’t make a decision based on fear.”

To show teens we value their thoughts and feelings, use positive cues: nods, eye contact, open posture (uncrossed arms, relaxed shoulders), smiles, and appropriate touch.

Our gestures teach. Their signals speak. Stay tuned in.

Teens send signals! Blank stares, rolled eyes, slammed doors, silence, angry tears, crossed arms, tight jaws, clenched fists.

Teens send signals! So do parents. Our gestures teach. Their signals speak. Stay tuned in. Beyond Words: Body Language in Teens and Parents #bodylanguage #hopefulmom #difficultconversations
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It’s easy to react to their behavior; however, not allowing their attitude or conduct to affect ours is important. Sometimes they truly don’t know what they think or feel, and they’re doing their best to communicate without having a meltdown. A tantrum could be a cry for help. Procrastination could be a clue that they don’t know how to proceed. A quick, “I DON’T KNOW” may really mean they truly don’t know.

Let’s try to look beyond the behavior, past the body language, and into the core of who they are to detect the actual message. And when all else fails, ask open-ended questions, sit quietly, and listen. Sometimes all they need is someone to put their arm around them and offer them time and space to process their emotions.

Barb is speaking at a ladies event on August 23rd at Hope Community Church in Wildwood, FL. I invite you to join us! See details here: When God Plants Seeds: Faith in the Valley.

Have you read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships? Please write a review at Amazon and/or Goodreads. Reviews, especially 5-star reviews, are how word spreads about this resource. Thanks so much!

The post Beyond Words: Body Language in Teens and Parents appeared first on HOPEFUL MOM.

I’m excited to introduce Melinda Patrick, our guest author. She understands the hurting heart of a parent. Our children sometimes choose to stay on their path to destruction, and we are stuck waiting and hoping. Melinda is here to offer advice for us during our season of waiting.

He moved. I moved.
Then he leapt—smugly—over two of my marbles.
Without thinking, I countered. Reflex, not strategy.

Back and forth we went, for several tense minutes. Then I looked down and saw something unsettling: the Chinese Checkers board had shifted completely out of balance—and not in my favor.

Somewhere between aggressive hops and rushed responses, I’d lost the thread.
I was no longer playing to win; I was reacting, flailing, distracted.
A few more poor moves sealed it.
In desperation, I threw up my hands and made the universal sign of surrender: a big, exaggerated “T.”

“TIME OUT! Time out!” I said.

My husband looked up, eyebrow raised, amused.
“There’s no time out in Chinese Checkers.”

Maybe not.
But I needed one—badly.

I was unraveling, and the only way back was to pause, breathe, and remember the plan I had long abandoned.

Lost in a Season of Waiting

Okay, maybe getting lost in a game of Chinese Checkers isn’t your story.
But maybe this is: you’re stuck in a season of waiting.

Waiting for a loved one to open up about their struggle.
Longing for healing or freedom—for them or for yourself.
Hoping for reconciliation in a broken relationship.
Praying the tides will finally turn and “normal”  – whatever that is – will return.

This waiting has worn you thin.
Hope deferred does make the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12).
And if we’re honest, many of us entered the wait with good intentions—we’d wait well and trust the process, we told ourselves.
But now?
Now we just want it to be over.

In that Chinese Checkers game, I realized how I’d gotten lost:
I stopped following my plan. I began reacting to my husband’s every move.
Not strategy—just survival.

And we do the same in life.

Instead of responding to God and trusting His timing and plan, we start reacting to people and circumstances.
We lose our way.
We lose ourselves.

But Scripture gently calls us back:

“Therefore, my beloved brothers and sisters, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”
— 1 Corinthians 15:58 (ESV)

Be: to come into existenceSteadfast: firm, unwavering, resolute

In a world that pulls at your heart, that demands your attention and tries to rewrite your identity, God invites you to stand firm.

Waiting is hard.
But with God—it’s not wasted.

So maybe it’s time for your own “time out”—not to quit, but to reset.
To return to who God created you to be – because the authentic, God-created-you is the one the world needs.

3 Steps to Anchor Yourself in a Season of Waiting

1. Pause and take time to heal.
You can’t force healing in someone else. But you can tend to your own.
Waiting seasons often stir up bitterness, resentment, and envy. Left unchecked, they can quietly harden our hearts.
Instead of ignoring those wounds, take time to confront and care for them.
This work matters.
And when your loved one is finally ready for healing, you’ll be in a strong, grace-filled place to walk with them—not from desperation, but from wholeness.

You can't force someone else to heal, but you can tend to your own. Melinda Patrick offers us advice for when we are waiting for a loved one to heal. Lost in a Season of Waiting #hopefulmom #difficultconversations
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2. Take a deep breath in and make room for the Holy Spirit to move and work.
Sometimes, we get in the way of our own prayers.
I don’t know about you but many times have I prayed for God to move in someone’s life—only to jump up and try to fix it myself.
When we do that, we can crowd out the Holy Spirit.
God has a role. We have a role.
Let the Spirit lead.
Reflect on these verses and ask yourself: am I creating space for the Holy Spirit to work?
John 16:7-8, Psalm 146:8, John 16:13-15, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Philippians 4:6

3. Remember the Lord’s faithfulness.        

The biggest mistakes I have made are when I didn’t wait on the Lord.

What enables us to wait is knowing we can trust God.

Remembering God’s faithfulness in your own life builds trust and fans the flame of faith.

“The children of Ephraim, being armed and carrying bows, turned back in the day of battle. They did not keep the covenant of God, they refused to walk in His laws, and forgot His works and His wonders that He had shown them.”  – Psalm 78:9-11

What if this waiting isn’t just about your loved one?
What if God is using it to invite you into something deeper?
Waiting is an opportunity to put your faith to work. It’s an invitation to know God more intimately, to trust Him more completely, and to be transformed more fully.

A Simple Step of Faith:

Take time to write out your testimony—how you’ve seen God move in your life—and tuck it into your Bible or another meaningful place. This simple act does two things:

It rekindles your faith by reminding you of God’s faithfulness.It prepares a legacy of truth for the next generation. Even if your loved one isn’t ready to hear it now, one day they may be—and when that day comes, your testimony will be waiting.You’re not lost. You’re being led.

Even here—especially here—God is at work.

So, take your “time out.”

Pause.
Catch your breath.
And trust the One who sees the end from the beginning. This isn’t the end of your story. It’s only a chapter and suddenly – one day the page will turn.

If you found this post helpful, share this post and leave a comment here for Melinda Patrick. Subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads, keep up with Hopeful Mom on Facebook, and Instagram, and check out Barb’s book Sexpectations here.

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I’m a perfectionist by nature. My get-it-right attitude seeps into work, family, and social interactions. My kids, husband, and co-workers expect me to correct grammatical errors on social media posts and in books I’m reading.

I can’t help it. I desperately want the tasks I’m performing to be perfect. And if they aren’t, well … my self-talk reflects my defeated mentality. If I missed a dish while loading the dishwasher, I think, You idiot. If I eat more than I should have, I ruminate on the misstep over and over. And if I snap at someone, when my head hits the pillow, my brain stews. Why were you like that? Why can’t you be kind? That person won’t like you anymore.

I’m not the only one. I’ve noticed my friends struggle with this. Additionally, perfectionism in teens often shows up as relentless self-criticism and fear of not measuring up. They berate themselves if their appearance isn’t flawless or their social media post isn’t up to par, or their latest art project doesn’t reach the level of perfection they attempted. Their self-talk spins a tale, and their self-worth plummets. They reject themselves and hold others at arm’s length. Before long, they are anxious, worried, and depressed.

Unfortunately, social media fuels perfectionism.

(For more information on social media’s effects, read this post about Netflix’s Emmy-nominated show Adolescence.)

A girl scrolls Instagram or TikTok and sees a favorite influencer with smooth skin and every hair in place. She compares her own imperfections with the poster’s beauty and realizes she will never measure up. A boy envies the muscular build of the influencers in his feed and feels dejected. Teenagers watch seductive scenes or pornographic material and believe they must perform the same way, or they aren’t normal.

Behind every post, reel, and highlight are complex individuals—a fact many teenagers overlook.

Social media fuels perfectionism. Learn how to help teens strive for excellence rather than reach for perfection. How to Help Teens Beat Perfectionism Fueled by Social Media #hopefulmom #socialmedia #perfectionism
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How do we combat perfectionism and build self-worth?

Let’s begin by looking at a few differences between perfectionism and striving for excellence, inspired by Brené Brown’s work in Daring Greatly:

Perfectionists are driven by outward sources like what others will think. Peers, online sources, and other measurements dictate behavior. Those who strive for excellence are inwardly motivated.[i] Pride and personal satisfaction over a job well done motivate behavior.Perfectionists seek external validation—approval and acceptance of others. Their identity is defined by external outcomes. Those who strive for excellence desire intrinsic satisfaction—self-improvement and personal growth. Excellence flows from an identity rooted in pursuing success with integrity.Perfectionists are afraid of failing, of not being good enough. They attempt to avoid criticism and judgement by making zero mistakes. Those who strive for excellence are courageous. They work toward their goals even when others judge them. They use criticism and feedback to improve.[ii]

Wanting to perform at our highest level is an admirable quality; however, believing we must be faultless to be loved and accepted is untrue.

When deciding whether you’re striving for excellence or reaching for perfection, remember this: THINK INWARD, NOT OUTWARD. Inward motivation and inward sources produce inward growth, satisfaction, and self-worth. Goals worth attaining.

Striving for Excellence

We can help our children by teaching them it’s okay to fall short of perfection. We won’t always get everything “right.” No level of achievement will compel every person to love and accept us. Perfection is a myth beyond our grasp.

When your teen feels incompetent, ask if they tried their hardest and did their best. If so, it’s a win. If they didn’t give it their all because they were afraid of failing, it’s okay. Ask your child if they are worried they aren’t hitting the mark their social media feed sets for them. Maybe scrolling less or taking a break from social media may help. Tell your children, often, that you love them for who they are, not because of what they do.

Take opportunities to praise your child for their work ethic. Remind them that life is a journey. We never “arrive.” However, pursuing excellence along the way provides joyful moments and reasons to celebrate. By helping our children recognize the traps of perfectionism, we empower them to value progress over flawlessness.

And, remember, there are no perfect parents. Parenting is a journey with ups and downs—triumphs and defeats. When we aim for excellence, we are more content, more confident, and more forgiving—of ourselves and others.

If you find this post beneficial, consider sharing it. Thank you!

[i] https://www.defininggrace.com/creativ...

[ii] https://thinkgrowprosper.com/blog/per...

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I’ve never been more excited or proud to introduce a guest author at Hopeful Mom. My daughter Melinda Winters, a substance abuse counselor, is here to explain how pornography, neglect, abuse, and anger affect a child well into their adult years. Melinda is nurturing, patient, and loving. She treats everyone she meets with kindness and shows honor and respect to her clients. Every day, I’m impressed with her strength and resilience, even while she is tenderhearted toward those she interacts with. Melinda is passionate about helping women understand the importance of finding self-worth and valuing the person they can be. She has a powerful message for parents.

Walking into a room full of women filled with anger can often be challenging to navigate, especially when the room is inside a women’s correctional facility. Their faces and body language range from visibly angry and tense with arms crossed to masking their anger and pretending they are okay with a small smile and constantly moving hands.  They avoid talking and making eye contact.  Many of these women do not want to admit something traumatic happened to them. They do not want to admit they’ve been used and they have no self-worth. Or they repress memories of being used in their life. They want to be happy but instead find themselves constantly frustrated.

Anger: The Cause and Effect

As a substance abuse counselor, I walk alongside many women inmates with stories of hurt, anger, loss, and disappointment. We dig into their past and piece together certain moments, how they have impacted who they think they are, and how they were led to this moment. One of the toughest talks I have with my clients is the source of their anger. They could be angry about anything, but when we start walking the trail to find the source, it often leads to their parents. Much of their anger towards their parents is because of the way their parents took care of them. They did not realize until past their twenties that there was something wrong with how they were treated.

Many clients I interact with talk to me about their childhood. They open up about how their parents were addicted to pornography and how one parent, or both, sexually abused them all their life. They tell me stories of how uncomfortable they were in their own skin but never spoke up about it. For some clients, our conversations can be the first time they talk about their experience with pornography. A high majority of them were exposed to pornography at a young age because their parents watched it. It’s a trickle-down effect for the women. Each client has their own thoughts and feelings about their situation, but the most common emotion is anger. Anger towards her parents. Anger because she was ignored and used. Anger because she felt worthless. Anger because she could no longer be a child.

Some clients remember every detail of what happened to them. Others can’t recall because they repressed so much. Repression often results in anger. Anger towards the world and those around them. The reason people turn to anger is because it is the easiest emotion to exhibit. They lash out at those around them to avoid processing their emotions. Anger creates conflict within themselves and others. It is easy to get stuck in a cycle of anger creating more problems to hide the initial problem, their childhood hurt. These women run as fast as they can from these memories and avoid sitting and validating their own emotions. They turn to any substance use that will numb their pain and increase their anger.

Repressed memories of a parent's abuse often results in ongoing anger issues as an adult. Barb's daughter, Melinda Winters, shares how parents can prevent a future anger problem. Through My Daughter’s Eyes: Understanding the Anger of…
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Encouragement

At the end of many conversations, clients tell me they are exhausted from being angry. They do not want to continue being angry, but they do not know how to stop because of the cycle. A child’s life is affected by repetitive consequences they’ve received. Then they build their life and future on their emotional response to those consequences. I hear my clients say, “I never want my kid to go through what I went through” and “I wish my parents had just listened and helped me.”

It is often difficult to hear these stories and see the broken person sitting in front of me. All they ever wanted was a parent to pay attention to them. All they wanted was to be loved. All they wanted was help.

I encourage you to listen to your kids when they speak to you. Look them in the eye and actively listen to the words they tell you. They want to be heard. In addition, try to understand and find the warning signs in your children’s reactions and help them understand the importance of processing their emotions. Emotions are there for a good reason. They tell us when something is wrong and when something is good. However, at a young age, everything is thrown at them, and they don’t know what to do. Anger is the easiest emotion to turn to, but it also causes the most harm in relationships.

When we learn to process anger, face challenges, and resolve situations, we build healthy relationships and learn to face conflicts together, which leads to personal peace.

Subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads, keep up with Hopeful Mom on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and check out Barb’s book Sexpectations here.

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Some run to drugs. Some shop. Some watch pornography.

How do you cope when your anxiety spirals and you’re desperate for relief? What’s your default reaction when triggered?

How about your teen? What sets them off and where do they turn?

I eat. My food of choice was ice cream until stomach problems forced me to give it up. Now it’s Ghirardelli chocolate. The dark chocolate mint squares. (Pause with me and mentally savor this treat.)

In all transparency, I also turn to social media or streaming shows. When my to-do list is out of control or I’ve failed someone close, to numb my brain and stop the incessant negative self-talk, I scroll. Or get lost in a show.

Unfortunately, after I’ve eaten the chocolate and turned the TV off, the problem remains. My list hasn’t magically disappeared, and negative thoughts quickly return.

Name the Pain and Know the Pull

Pinpointing the outside stimuli or emotions that affect us—and our children—is key to recovery.

To overcome compulsive behavior, we must acknowledge its destructive impact and then identify the triggers that compel us to repeat it.

What Are BLAST Triggers?

BLAST triggers are common. This acronym stands for Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed, and Tired.

Bored

We are meant to be active, physically and mentally. Whether working, studying, interacting with friends, or participating in physical activities, our minds and bodies need engagement. When faced with boredom, our children could succumb to an activity they’re conditioned to believe is pleasing, entertaining, or numbing (at least momentarily).

To combat this BLAST trigger, let’s help our teens recognize when they are bored. Ask them to brainstorm a list of things to do when they’re restless. They may want to call a friend, read a book, take a walk, or learn a new hobby like painting, playing the guitar, etc.

Lonely

Each of us possesses a basic need to belong. Loneliness leads to sadness, depression, or feelings of emptiness. These can trigger self-medicating behaviors like watching pornography or too much screen time.

To combat this trigger, help your child find where they fit in. Schedule family meals and activities. Include them in discussions. Encourage them to try various after school organizations, sports, or clubs.

Angry

Anger instigates irresponsible behavior. When we don’t have healthy methods of dealing with anger, we cope by turning to our vice of choice.

To combat this trigger, help your child identify who they are angry with and why. Then encourage them to forgive and learn methods to diffuse their anger.

Re-direct your child toward a productive pursuit when they feel agitated.

Pinpointing the outside stimuli or emotions that trigger us—and our children—is key to overcoming addiction or compulsive behaviors. BLAST Triggers: What’s Driving Your Teen’s Behavior? #triggers #hopefulmom #parenting
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Stressed

We experience an extreme amount of internal and external pressure to perform at a certain level, to behave a particular way, and to fit in with peers. This causes stress. Our instinct is to find a quick way out of the anxious situation—to calm our nerves and ease our discomfort. Unfortunately, many of these coping mechanisms are only temporary fixes and do not address the underlying issue.

To combat this trigger, help your teen understand normal levels of stress and teach them anxiety-reducing strategies like breathing exercises.

Tired

Our brains don’t function well when we’re tired. We make irrational and illogical decisions. Someone who is tired may turn to drugs, alcohol, or pornography, believing this will relax their body and help them sleep.

To combat this trigger, help your teen understand the importance of proper sleep. They need 8-10 hours of uninterrupted (no tech in bedrooms!) sleep. For more information on helping your teen sleep better, read Teenagers and Sleep: How Much Sleep is Enough?.

Other Triggers

Besides the above-named BLAST triggers, hunger or reminiscent situations may provoke a desire to turn to a vice. Other acronyms for triggers are HALT and SEE.

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

Social – certain people or situations or feeling peer pressure

Environmental – sights or sounds

Emotional – feelings, like rejected or hurt

Create A Plan

Whether its BLAST triggers or others, learn to pause, name the offensive element, and choose a healthy and effective response.

When craving a Ghirardelli, I ask myself if I’m angry, stressed, hurt, or bored. If the answer is yes, I stop to evaluate what happened and (usually) choose to work through the presenting problem rather than drown my sorrow with chocolate.

Healthy responses may take a while to come naturally, but I believe you and your teen can devise a plan to combat triggers effectively.

For specific questions to discern your child’s triggers and more information on combatting triggers, read Understanding Triggers in Pornography Use. For a list of possible trigger-inducing events for parents of a child who’s been exposed to pornography, read Parent Triggers After A Child’s Pornography Exposure.

The above was adapted from a section in Chapter 7 of the book, Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships.

Note: Sometimes counseling is necessary to overcome compulsive behaviors or addictions.

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I met Kimberly Ells, our guest author, through the Safeguard Alliance and was impressed by her passion to help families. She’s a policy advisor and has spoken at the UN. Her passion for keeping kids safe from online predators shines through in this piece.

For many parents, the day they find out their child is being approached, targeted, educated, and manipulated by strangers on his or her digital devices is the day they finally take seriously all the warnings and admonitions about phone and digital device use they have heard for years. By that time, often great damage has been done. It is never too late to take action to protect your child but the sooner you do so, the less damage will be done.

"It's never too late to take action to protect your child." Kimberly Ells – Yes, Your Child is Being Targeted by Online Predators #mentalhealth #humantrafficking #parenting
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If you think that digital abuse, moral deprogramming, transgender grooming, porn addiction, or even trafficking can’t happen to your child (because your child comes from a good family, or your child is smarter than that, or you’ve already warned them about digital dangers) you’re wrong.

Here are three real examples from good families with smart kids who talked about digital dangers together and still faced serious digital entanglement and danger.

Jenna

Jenna needed an iPad to do some of her junior high school homework on. Her parents got her one and discussed basic digital safely with her. At first, they made sure it was used sparingly and put away every night. Over time, the presence of the iPad became normal, and her parents forgot to stow it at night. Jenna began taking it with her into her room at night. She encountered increasingly dark and disturbing content on it. She continued to consume this content, even though she wasn’t sure why she was doing it, and over time she became increasingly despondent, irritable, and sad.

Her mother finally noted the difference in Jenna and asked her about it. By this point Jenna was experiencing suicidal thoughts. She told her mom about the iPad and everything she’d been accessing on it as well as her feelings of despair. Jenna’s distress was so acute that her parents got her into a trusted therapist who could help her emerge from the dark place she had descended into. The other thing they did was remove the iPad entirely except for times when they could sit down with Jenna and use it for specific school assignments. What was Jenna’s response when they took away the iPad? Relief. She expressed profound relief at having the device—and its influence over her—removed.

Nikki

Nikki got a smartphone when she was sixteen. She began to do harmless searches for things teenage girls might be interested in, such as, “What do boys like?” The content was innocent at first but quickly became erotic. Before long, Nikki was saturated in sexual content and was being told by numerous sources that engaging in extreme sexual behaviors with boys was normal and expected. Before long she was being approached digitally by older boys and men who were interested in her sexually. She liked the attention she was getting, so she joined a dating app (lying about her age so she could do so).

Encouraged by the continued attention she got on the app, she began leaving her home in the middle of the night to meet men in their 20s and engage in sexual acts. By the time her parents became aware of the situation, she was one step away from being sucked down the road to sex trafficking by a man who was pretending to be romantically interested in her.

Olivia

Olivia downloaded the Snapchat app on her phone to connect with her friends even though it was against her parents’ rule. She did connect with friends, but strangers immediately began to reach out to her. Within only a few messages, some of these strangers began telling her they had seen pictures of her, how beautiful she was, and that they would like to perpetrate sexual acts on her. They began describing the acts in detail and when she showed surprise, one of the men expressed how much he loved being the one to expose inexperienced girls to depraved acts.

The girl found the interaction disturbing—but also somewhat intriguing—and allowed it to continue. She realized she wanted it to end but didn’t know how to extricate herself from the situation. Thankfully, she did something smart: She showed her mom the messages. Her mom told her that she should immediately stop the conversation, delete the app, and not return to it.

The Radical and Unthinkable Thing

There is much to be said about these three examples, but I will point out only two things. First, in all these cases, if the parents had not given the child independent access to a digital device, none of these disturbing events would have occurred. Second, in every case, it was the parents who helped extricate the child from adverse and dangerous situations.

That being the case, we must ask ourselves why we are putting our children in digital situations from which we must rescue them. Some argue that kids just need to learn to deal with the rigors of phone use. But are children really prepared to do so? Should we expect 12-year-olds or even 16-year-olds to be able to navigate sexually charged situations with manipulative predators?

I am going to suggest something radical and even unthinkable to many parents: Do not give your child a fully internet-enabled phone. And do not give them any other digital device that gives them unfettered access to the internet. Simply do not do it. Don’t wait until your child is the subject of a sad story like the ones above (or one much worse) before you proactively work to protect your child.

If you have given (or are considering giving) your child or teenager an internet-enabled phone to keep them safe (while driving or to track where they are, etc.) ask yourself what you are trying to keep them safe from. The dangers of possessing a phone may outweigh the dangers of not possessing one.

A phone is not only a portal for a child to access the entire world, it is also a portal for the world—and dangerous people in it—to access your child. And they are eager to do so.

Don’t let them.

NOTE from Barb: Check out the Gabb phone here as an alternative to a Smart phone.

Subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads, keep up with Hopeful Mom on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn, and check out Barb’s book Sexpectations here.

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It’s a privilege to welcome back Jessica Brodie as our guest author. She cares for those struggling with mental health. I love her thoughts and advice concerning teens, social media, and mental health. Jessica’s debut book released last month. Find it here.

It started slowly at first, sneaking up on me. My confident, boss-lady daughter struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for years, but she was still self-assured and likable, and she still seemed to like herself.

Then puberty hit, and with it, the pandemic. About that same time, she’d reached the age where it seemed OK to let her have a cell phone—carefully moderated, of course, with all the requisite parental controls, privacy restrictions, and other important instructions, like “no direct messaging” and “don’t give out your personal info.” I didn’t think it was a problem to let her get TikTok and Instagram as long as her accounts were private.

But then I noticed a change in her clothing. She wanted her tops a little more cropped and her jeans a little more snug. She spent more time looking in the mirror, posing for an invisible audience. We started having tension about what kind of clothes were appropriate for her to wear, what kind of pictures were appropriate to take and post online, what kind of dances she was learning on some of the new apps.

Then she became weight conscious, eating less at meals and sometimes insisting she just wasn’t hungry. She begged me to let her get highlights in her hair and acrylic nails.

"My once confident daughter struggled with anxiety and panic attacks because of social media." Jessica Brodie tells us why her daughter quit and offers parents tips. Quitting Social Media Transformed My Daughter’s Mental Health…
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I chalked it up to her age, to being in middle school now.

I didn’t see the impact social media was having on her self-esteem, her worldview, her perspective, or her mental health.

In retrospect, I would’ve done things far differently, but I didn’t know. Most of us don’t know.

“I don’t want to shelter her. I want to give her room to make mistakes in a safe environment,” I rationalized. “I want to raise her in a godly and Christian way, but with enough freedom that when she gets old enough to go out in the world, she’ll know how to make good choices.”

I thought a little social media usage wasn’t a big deal.

I didn’t understand back then the power social media had to influence my sweet daughter, to lure her into new and dangerous thought patterns. I didn’t realize other dangers she was exposed to just by being on these apps.

Soon she was comparing herself nonstop. If she wasn’t trying to imitate what she saw online, she was lamenting that her life didn’t look like other people’s lives—we didn’t have a boat, we didn’t go on vacations to tropical islands like “all her friends.” Mind you, I knew her friends, and I knew none of them had boats or vacationed on tropical islands.

All of this came from what she saw other girls her age posting on social media.

And it did a number on her self-esteem and her mental health during a time when she was already struggling with depression and anxiety. It became a perfect storm that crashed violently all at once, and it took years to get her healthy again.

The Decision

I wish I could say I wised up, but it was my daughter who finally suggested she delete all social media from her phone and close her accounts.

A week later, I noticed a difference. She seemed happier in her own skin, not nearly as moody or volatile. Two weeks later, I saw even more improvement.

Since then, we’ve done experiments. She’s a few years older now, and we’re starting to look at colleges. A couple of times over the years we’ve decided to experiment and let her get Instagram again. Yet after just a few days, we can all see a big difference in her mood and her level of comparing herself to others. She can see it, too. And so we delete the app once more, and all becomes well again.

The Comparison Game

Comparison is good for none of us. We look at other people and think what we see is reality. We see someone sharing about their seemingly perfect life, and we don’t know that two feet away there’s a mess in their kitchen because all we see is the clutter-free camera-worthy area behind them. We don’t see that someone was able to afford that fancy vacation by maxing out their credit cards. We don’t know the pain it took them to get to this place in life. We don’t know the whole story.

Instead, we look at other people’s lives and sometimes feel badly about our own. We wonder why we don’t have this or that, or why we are not at this place in our own lives.

Imagine the impact it has on a young and impressionable girl who is still trying to figure out her own identity. Imagine all the lies being fed into her soul as she struggles to understand the difference between truth and fiction and her own place in this world.

Yes, I know the world is increasingly online. And I know there are beautiful aspects of social media.

But in our house, for our family, it’s drastically limited. It had a hugely negative effect on my daughter, and it took me far too long to recognize it.

Banning social media is not for every family. But if you are reading this and have been feeling a nudge from God, maybe this is your answer, like it was ours.

Here are a few tips that might help:Talk openly with your teen. Tell them why you’re concerned or want to do this. Genuine reasons speak volumes.Propose a social media vacation or break for a week or two to experiment with or assess how they feel without it.Establish ground rules and use parental control settings. Typically the parent owns the phone and is the account holder on the plan, so it’s your right to take control if your child lives under your roof.Remember that even if it seems like the whole world is on social media, they’re not. As Christians, we’re called to be different and not like the world.Help your child find alternatives to spending time on social media, such as reading, exercise, or connecting with people in real life.Model the behavior yourself.Understand that kids can access most social media from a website, even if they don’t have an app. They can also create a secret account and block you from being able to view it. 

Try it and see what happens. Try it even if your child doesn’t take the lead like my daughter did—even if you look like the “bad guy.” You might find it is an answered prayer and a solution that on its surface seems way too simple but in reality is the very thing you need.

Please subscribe to Hopeful Mom for two FREE PDF downloads: 7 Steps After Your Child Sees Porn AND Sexpectations Reflection Questions. For information on modeling habits of healthy relationships, read Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships.

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