Chris Marr's Blog: The Authoritative Coach

“If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.”

MARGARET THATCHER

At 3 am on 14th June 2019, I gave up alcohol.

I’m proud to say that I have not had a single drop since. I haven’t given in to the peer pressure from my friends, family, and our prominent alcohol culture.

I go to bed relatively early, I don’t go to pubs, I don’t stay late at parties, I don’t get drunk with my friends, and I don’t lose days to hangovers and sickness.

Have I missed out on some experiences? Do people miss me in these situations? Have I let people down? Have I lost some friends? Have I grown apart from others? Do some people not like me as much any more?

Yes, all of these things are true.

I’m not looking for a pat on the back, but it’s interesting to understand how I’ve tackled this.

I have been able to remain sober because I’m clear on my purpose, and what I want for myself, and I’m not willing to let other people or influences carry me away from my own values and principles.

The daily decision to not drink comes back to the respect I have for myself.

If I want people to like me, all I have to do is one simple thing…

Take a drink.

Back in 2022, on my three-year anniversary, a close friend said to me “I’m now starting to understand and respect your sobriety.”

If you want to earn the respect of others, you have to respect yourself first — if you don’t, how can you expect others to ever respect you?

And so, should we strive to be liked or to earn respect?

We must recognise and understand that the need to be liked comes from other people’s perception of us, which we do not control, and earning respect starts from within us, which we have complete control over.

This is the foundation for where it all starts, and where it can all fall apart.

The need to be liked leads to agreeableness, compromise, ignorance, slow decision-making, and the impossible task of trying to please everyone.

Leading with the need to be liked breeds mediocre outcomes and results, and we’re not interested in that.

We tend to respect people who are confident and competent in their areas of expertise. People with a clear sense of purpose, clear boundaries and expectations, who are consistent in their behaviour.

They expect more from themselves and from those around them, and they care about doing the right thing, even if it’s not popular.

You know where you stand with them, and you don’t get the sense that they are pretending to be someone other than themselves.

Ask yourself: Can I be both?

I’d be lying to you if I said that it wasn’t important for me to feel liked and connected to the people I spend the most time with — my friends and family, my clients, and my peers.

Also, people tend to want to work with people they like. But as a coach or leader, your ‘likeability’ on its own isn’t going to bring out the very best in people.

And so, the truth for most of us is that it’s important to be liked AND respected.

But we need to get them in the right order.

Striving to be liked first comes with the risk of not being respected ever.

You don’t need to be liked to be respected, but being respected first increases your chances of being liked later.

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage pleasantly, smilingly, and non-apologetically – to say no to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger yes burning inside.”

STEPHEN COVEY

I used to be a people-pleaser.

This was a behaviour that was hurting the success of my clients, the success of my team, and ultimately the success of my coaching business.

I was holding everyone back, including myself.

I needed to change the type of relationship I had with my clients.

They were in control. They were calling the shots.

The truth is, even though they never explicitly said it, my clients knew that they weren’t getting what they needed. They didn’t want a passive order taker, they wanted to be challenged.

I know most coaches struggle with this. For me, this is what it looked like:

i) I said yes to requests I knew we couldn’t do, or couldn’t do well

ii) I said yes to projects that I knew would fail (or I made myself sick trying to make them work!)

iii) I let clients make mistakes and bad decisions that would hurt them in the short and long term

iv) I said yes to bad-fit clients and their bad behaviour

v) I felt like I couldn’t say no to my clients


We have to ask ourselves: What negative impact is this having on our people, our client results, the growth of our coaching business?

It’s time to step up and challenge our clients.

Make it clear that we’re willing to walk away if we don’t think true success is possible.

Now, years later, I’ve turned my past weakness into a strength that helps my clients:

i) I ask the difficult questions others struggle with

ii) I call out the mistakes they are making

iii) I’m not afraid to say no

The result of this fundamental shift?

Our clients step up and prove to us what they are capable of.

They become better, more successful clients.

We’re doing better work, and I’m a better coach with a more successful coaching business.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s for the best. For everyone involved.

This is what it means to Become an Authoritative Coach.

To leave our people-pleasing in the past, and become the coach our clients need us to be.

Let’s get to work.

Get the book: Become an Authoritative Coach: Stop people pleasing, challenge your clients, be indispensable