“If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.”

MARGARET THATCHER

At 3 am on 14th June 2019, I gave up alcohol.

I’m proud to say that I have not had a single drop since. I haven’t given in to the peer pressure from my friends, family, and our prominent alcohol culture.

I go to bed relatively early, I don’t go to pubs, I don’t stay late at parties, I don’t get drunk with my friends, and I don’t lose days to hangovers and sickness.

Have I missed out on some experiences? Do people miss me in these situations? Have I let people down? Have I lost some friends? Have I grown apart from others? Do some people not like me as much any more?

Yes, all of these things are true.

I’m not looking for a pat on the back, but it’s interesting to understand how I’ve tackled this.

I have been able to remain sober because I’m clear on my purpose, and what I want for myself, and I’m not willing to let other people or influences carry me away from my own values and principles.

The daily decision to not drink comes back to the respect I have for myself.

If I want people to like me, all I have to do is one simple thing…

Take a drink.

Back in 2022, on my three-year anniversary, a close friend said to me “I’m now starting to understand and respect your sobriety.”

If you want to earn the respect of others, you have to respect yourself first — if you don’t, how can you expect others to ever respect you?

And so, should we strive to be liked or to earn respect?

We must recognise and understand that the need to be liked comes from other people’s perception of us, which we do not control, and earning respect starts from within us, which we have complete control over.

This is the foundation for where it all starts, and where it can all fall apart.

The need to be liked leads to agreeableness, compromise, ignorance, slow decision-making, and the impossible task of trying to please everyone.

Leading with the need to be liked breeds mediocre outcomes and results, and we’re not interested in that.

We tend to respect people who are confident and competent in their areas of expertise. People with a clear sense of purpose, clear boundaries and expectations, who are consistent in their behaviour.

They expect more from themselves and from those around them, and they care about doing the right thing, even if it’s not popular.

You know where you stand with them, and you don’t get the sense that they are pretending to be someone other than themselves.

Ask yourself: Can I be both?

I’d be lying to you if I said that it wasn’t important for me to feel liked and connected to the people I spend the most time with — my friends and family, my clients, and my peers.

Also, people tend to want to work with people they like. But as a coach or leader, your ‘likeability’ on its own isn’t going to bring out the very best in people.

And so, the truth for most of us is that it’s important to be liked AND respected.

But we need to get them in the right order.

Striving to be liked first comes with the risk of not being respected ever.

You don’t need to be liked to be respected, but being respected first increases your chances of being liked later.