Kayt C. Peck's Blog: Use the Box for Kindling
May 16, 2015
A Musical Miracle
It was the most beautiful object my 11 year old eyes had ever seen. In a musical family, there was no doubt that I’d play an instrument, but I’d crashed and burned at the expected piano lessons. Guitar was next choice, but this time it was my choice.
The guitars hung on a pawn shop wall and my parents waited patiently as I chose. My mother had played guitar for the Salvation Army, and she guided me with a suggestion or two, but it was the pride and pleasure in my father’s eyes that gave me the greatest joy. He knew, and even then, so did I, that this object would be a special part of his youngest child’s life for a very long time. It was … for 49 years. We chose a 1959 Gibson LG-1 that sounded sweet and just became sweeter over the decades.
I had to sell it last week.
This story isn’t about the sad piece. It’s not about the unexpected disaster a client faced getting a grant disbursement that, in turn, caused their check to me to bounce. It’s not about me scurrying any way I could to make sure my outstanding payments were covered, including the painful choice to sell something very precious to me. To understand what it is about, you do need to know how I sobbed as I played the precious guitar for the last time, talking to my long dead father, apologizing for what I must do.
This story, is about the miracle … about the magic of that guitar.
If you ever need to buy or sell a guitar, I highly recommend High Desert Guitars in Santa Fe. The owner was kind to me. He said he didn’t have the money to buy a guitar that day, but he would appraise it for me. While he did his magic researching serial number, price for similar instruments, etc. a man walked into the shop. He looked puzzled when he saw me, and I looked at him with the strange feeling that I knew him, but I didn’t.
“Do I know you?” the man asked, shaking my hand. He named some musical venue in Santa Fe and asked if I’d been there.
“No,” I answered, but you sure remind me of a good friend of mine, Andy Wilkinson.
The man looked shocked. “You’re kidding,” he said. “Andy’s one of my best friends.”
Keep in mind that Andy, an accomplished Western ballad singer/song writer, lives and works a few hundred miles from the shop where I’d now met a new friend. Jay was his name. While we waited, Jay picked up my 1959 Gibson LG-1 and made it sing like I had never achieved in all of my 49 years with that sweet guitar.
Jay bought it. Worked out a deal that made everyone happy, including a bit for the store owner to compensate him for his time.
Dad, that guitar is right where it needs to be.
I put a note in the little box in the case where picks and capos and other such truck can be stored. Amongst other things, the note said that my guitar was most likely in the original pawn shop because someone faced a financial crisis. It was time for the instrument to be loved by someone new. I figured it was just my time to pay it forward.
I did. I couldn’t be happier about the outcome.
The guitars hung on a pawn shop wall and my parents waited patiently as I chose. My mother had played guitar for the Salvation Army, and she guided me with a suggestion or two, but it was the pride and pleasure in my father’s eyes that gave me the greatest joy. He knew, and even then, so did I, that this object would be a special part of his youngest child’s life for a very long time. It was … for 49 years. We chose a 1959 Gibson LG-1 that sounded sweet and just became sweeter over the decades.
I had to sell it last week.
This story isn’t about the sad piece. It’s not about the unexpected disaster a client faced getting a grant disbursement that, in turn, caused their check to me to bounce. It’s not about me scurrying any way I could to make sure my outstanding payments were covered, including the painful choice to sell something very precious to me. To understand what it is about, you do need to know how I sobbed as I played the precious guitar for the last time, talking to my long dead father, apologizing for what I must do.
This story, is about the miracle … about the magic of that guitar.
If you ever need to buy or sell a guitar, I highly recommend High Desert Guitars in Santa Fe. The owner was kind to me. He said he didn’t have the money to buy a guitar that day, but he would appraise it for me. While he did his magic researching serial number, price for similar instruments, etc. a man walked into the shop. He looked puzzled when he saw me, and I looked at him with the strange feeling that I knew him, but I didn’t.
“Do I know you?” the man asked, shaking my hand. He named some musical venue in Santa Fe and asked if I’d been there.
“No,” I answered, but you sure remind me of a good friend of mine, Andy Wilkinson.
The man looked shocked. “You’re kidding,” he said. “Andy’s one of my best friends.”
Keep in mind that Andy, an accomplished Western ballad singer/song writer, lives and works a few hundred miles from the shop where I’d now met a new friend. Jay was his name. While we waited, Jay picked up my 1959 Gibson LG-1 and made it sing like I had never achieved in all of my 49 years with that sweet guitar.
Jay bought it. Worked out a deal that made everyone happy, including a bit for the store owner to compensate him for his time.
Dad, that guitar is right where it needs to be.
I put a note in the little box in the case where picks and capos and other such truck can be stored. Amongst other things, the note said that my guitar was most likely in the original pawn shop because someone faced a financial crisis. It was time for the instrument to be loved by someone new. I figured it was just my time to pay it forward.
I did. I couldn’t be happier about the outcome.
February 2, 2015
A Story Worth Telling
There’s a burden to being called to tell someone else’s story … especially ones as powerful as those of women secretly sheltered from “honor” killings in the great and ancient city of Baghdad. A few years ago I worked as a consultant with the Organization of Women’s Freedom in Iraq (OWFI). The heart and soul of that organization’s mission was protecting women in a country where a complex stew of war and social instability grew violence against women … violence in general … to epidemic proportions.
In a few weeks Nat Gold Players of Las Vegas, New Mexico (NOT Nevada) will present “Sheltered Women,” a play I wrote loosely based on the lives of some of the women OWFI sheltered. I am honored this company of players … this company of friends … chose to perform my play. The cast and director, Rand Kennedy, are doing an amazing job of bringing those stories to life, and I feel like a proud mother.
Last night, during that witching hour when both fear and wisdom are at their most raw, I awoke with both a terror and an epiphany. The fear was triggered by FaceBook posts from beloved friends with whom I share affection but not political agreement. I see so much finger-pointing and blaming of those in the Muslim world. My play will be performed in the U.S. and there are those who may use it as another reason to point fingers at the Middle East. That I do not want.
Luckily, the fear was accompanied by an epiphany. The play must include a reminder that violence against women … hell, violence in general … is epidemic everywhere, including the United States. Bullying in the classroom is even more common than the cold; among the brother and sisterhood of generally benevolent police, there are those who use the uniform as camouflage to hide actions of bigotry and violence; innocent children fleeing violence and oppression in their home countries are greeted at our borders by those spewing rejection, even hatred.
Violence exists every time one person verbally demeans another into silence. Violence exists every time money or position or power are used to oppress others whether it’s an individual or an entire class of people. Violence is like a fever or puss pockets on the skin. It is a symptom, a sign that something is wrong.
I recently read a wonderful story of a young man who was a student of aikido, a martial art advocating “harmonious spirit.” Apparently the art teaches fighting skills but advocates peace and healing. A violent and angry man entered a train where the young man was passenger. Drunk and out of control, the man struck a young woman holding a baby. Although neither the woman nor child were badly injured, the passengers scurried to get as far from the man as possible. The young man saw the opportunity to apply his fighting skills in a justified conflict, when the situation was interrupted by an old man, another passenger, who engaged the drunk in conversation. In a short time, the old man led the drunk past his anger and into his pain, exposing the man’s grief at the death of his wife and the spiral of self-destruction that followed. As the young man left the train, the old man stroked the matted and dirty hair of the drunk who now lay weeping, his head in the old man’s lap.
Hate cannot stop hate. Only love can do that. The old man in the aikido story knew that. Gandhi knew that. Martin Luther King, Jr. knew that. Chief Joseph knew that. Mohammed knew that. Jesus knew that. Each became teachers of peace, and each suffered for choosing to continue as teachers rather than taking up the sword to become conquerors, but they each helped make humanity just a little better.
The change will not come until enough of use chose love. Don’t misunderstand me. I am a peaceful warrior. If I must commit an act of violence to protect someone, I will, but I pray never to hold hatred in my heart against anyone with whom I may find myself in opposition. If I do, I become a part of the sickness.
I pray that “Sheltered Women” will not trigger finger pointing to the Middle East. I pray, instead, that it causes others to look within to find the courage to offer the love and strength needed to face the little violations they see in the world around them every day. That’s where change will start. When enough people choose courage and love.
In a few weeks Nat Gold Players of Las Vegas, New Mexico (NOT Nevada) will present “Sheltered Women,” a play I wrote loosely based on the lives of some of the women OWFI sheltered. I am honored this company of players … this company of friends … chose to perform my play. The cast and director, Rand Kennedy, are doing an amazing job of bringing those stories to life, and I feel like a proud mother.
Last night, during that witching hour when both fear and wisdom are at their most raw, I awoke with both a terror and an epiphany. The fear was triggered by FaceBook posts from beloved friends with whom I share affection but not political agreement. I see so much finger-pointing and blaming of those in the Muslim world. My play will be performed in the U.S. and there are those who may use it as another reason to point fingers at the Middle East. That I do not want.
Luckily, the fear was accompanied by an epiphany. The play must include a reminder that violence against women … hell, violence in general … is epidemic everywhere, including the United States. Bullying in the classroom is even more common than the cold; among the brother and sisterhood of generally benevolent police, there are those who use the uniform as camouflage to hide actions of bigotry and violence; innocent children fleeing violence and oppression in their home countries are greeted at our borders by those spewing rejection, even hatred.
Violence exists every time one person verbally demeans another into silence. Violence exists every time money or position or power are used to oppress others whether it’s an individual or an entire class of people. Violence is like a fever or puss pockets on the skin. It is a symptom, a sign that something is wrong.
I recently read a wonderful story of a young man who was a student of aikido, a martial art advocating “harmonious spirit.” Apparently the art teaches fighting skills but advocates peace and healing. A violent and angry man entered a train where the young man was passenger. Drunk and out of control, the man struck a young woman holding a baby. Although neither the woman nor child were badly injured, the passengers scurried to get as far from the man as possible. The young man saw the opportunity to apply his fighting skills in a justified conflict, when the situation was interrupted by an old man, another passenger, who engaged the drunk in conversation. In a short time, the old man led the drunk past his anger and into his pain, exposing the man’s grief at the death of his wife and the spiral of self-destruction that followed. As the young man left the train, the old man stroked the matted and dirty hair of the drunk who now lay weeping, his head in the old man’s lap.
Hate cannot stop hate. Only love can do that. The old man in the aikido story knew that. Gandhi knew that. Martin Luther King, Jr. knew that. Chief Joseph knew that. Mohammed knew that. Jesus knew that. Each became teachers of peace, and each suffered for choosing to continue as teachers rather than taking up the sword to become conquerors, but they each helped make humanity just a little better.
The change will not come until enough of use chose love. Don’t misunderstand me. I am a peaceful warrior. If I must commit an act of violence to protect someone, I will, but I pray never to hold hatred in my heart against anyone with whom I may find myself in opposition. If I do, I become a part of the sickness.
I pray that “Sheltered Women” will not trigger finger pointing to the Middle East. I pray, instead, that it causes others to look within to find the courage to offer the love and strength needed to face the little violations they see in the world around them every day. That’s where change will start. When enough people choose courage and love.
December 24, 2014
Christmas Alone
It’s Christmas Eve. The tree is not up; no gifts bought; forget cooking the turkey. I sit alone on my couch, wrapped in a blanket and suffering from as miserable a cold as I’ve had in my life.
Amazingly enough, I’m grateful.
True, I usually celebrate Christmas in January when my foster daughter, her husband and two beautiful grandkids come here for a late celebration, but I customarily find some way to do something special on the actual Christmas Eve and Day. This year, I’ve cancelled invitations for various holiday activities, unwilling to share this nasty virus and not feeling very festive anyway. I’ll most likely pass on the Christmas Eve service at the local village church this evening, not willing to punctuate the music I so enjoy with my staccato cough.
Amazingly enough, I’m grateful.
You see, this Christmas I’m spending it with the most important person in my life … me.
Don’t misunderstand me, this will not be a particularly fun Christmas. I’d much rather be caroling or taking Christmas candy to the neighbors or doing my usual Christmas Day ski trip, but I am grateful. I’m alone in a quiet house, having to psyche myself into the energy to get off the couch for basic things like heating soup and doing dishes. All I seem to have energy to do is sleep and think … to have a good, long over-due conversation with myself. That is one great left-handed gift.
I learned a long time ago that, when faced with life’s darkest moments, keep walking. The light switch is probably on the other side of the room. True, one is likely to bash a chin against the coffee table, or trip over a rug in the dark, but you don’t get to the light by standing in the darkness.
This is the third day I’ve been sick. Yep, I’ve walked straight into that “holiday depression” while incapacitated, but this morning I found the light switch. FaceBook has been my lifeline to the world while sick, and someone posted a “what fictional character are you” quiz. I got Atticus Finch. I couldn’t have been more thrilled.
You see, I’m not perfect. I’m a little rough around the edges with an off-color humor that frequently makes people groan. At the age of 60, I’m alone, an indication in itself that I’m no master of the relationship thing. I’m not perfect, but I do my best. With every breath I take, ever decision I make, I do my best.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch did his best. He took a case he knew he’d lose because it was the right thing to do. He stood against a horrible man, knowing he put himself and potentially his children in danger because it was the right thing to do. He always did his best, even in situations where there was no answer or decision that could prevent pain or wrong-doing. He did his best, while striving also to understand and offer healing to those whom he must oppose.
The quiz said I was like Atticus Finch. I’ll claim that.
You know why I’m grateful this Christmas? Because I’m spending it with someone who, although she fails on a regular basis, strives every day to live the essence of the holiday spirit … to live with love and integrity. As much as I can, I offer that as a gift to humanity. It may seem paltry, but it’s the best I have to give.
A friend of mine, Andy Wilkinson, wrote a song about a plain grave marker found on the Texas prairie. It said, “Johnny done his damnedest. No one could do more.”
That’s the gift I offer to you all … the light switch I found at the other end of the darkened room. Just do your damnedest, and love yourself for who you are. Forgive yourself if you ever feel as if it’s not “enough” and celebrate during those moments when you can see the difference you make.
To Kill a Mockingbird
Amazingly enough, I’m grateful.
True, I usually celebrate Christmas in January when my foster daughter, her husband and two beautiful grandkids come here for a late celebration, but I customarily find some way to do something special on the actual Christmas Eve and Day. This year, I’ve cancelled invitations for various holiday activities, unwilling to share this nasty virus and not feeling very festive anyway. I’ll most likely pass on the Christmas Eve service at the local village church this evening, not willing to punctuate the music I so enjoy with my staccato cough.
Amazingly enough, I’m grateful.
You see, this Christmas I’m spending it with the most important person in my life … me.
Don’t misunderstand me, this will not be a particularly fun Christmas. I’d much rather be caroling or taking Christmas candy to the neighbors or doing my usual Christmas Day ski trip, but I am grateful. I’m alone in a quiet house, having to psyche myself into the energy to get off the couch for basic things like heating soup and doing dishes. All I seem to have energy to do is sleep and think … to have a good, long over-due conversation with myself. That is one great left-handed gift.
I learned a long time ago that, when faced with life’s darkest moments, keep walking. The light switch is probably on the other side of the room. True, one is likely to bash a chin against the coffee table, or trip over a rug in the dark, but you don’t get to the light by standing in the darkness.
This is the third day I’ve been sick. Yep, I’ve walked straight into that “holiday depression” while incapacitated, but this morning I found the light switch. FaceBook has been my lifeline to the world while sick, and someone posted a “what fictional character are you” quiz. I got Atticus Finch. I couldn’t have been more thrilled.
You see, I’m not perfect. I’m a little rough around the edges with an off-color humor that frequently makes people groan. At the age of 60, I’m alone, an indication in itself that I’m no master of the relationship thing. I’m not perfect, but I do my best. With every breath I take, ever decision I make, I do my best.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch did his best. He took a case he knew he’d lose because it was the right thing to do. He stood against a horrible man, knowing he put himself and potentially his children in danger because it was the right thing to do. He always did his best, even in situations where there was no answer or decision that could prevent pain or wrong-doing. He did his best, while striving also to understand and offer healing to those whom he must oppose.
The quiz said I was like Atticus Finch. I’ll claim that.
You know why I’m grateful this Christmas? Because I’m spending it with someone who, although she fails on a regular basis, strives every day to live the essence of the holiday spirit … to live with love and integrity. As much as I can, I offer that as a gift to humanity. It may seem paltry, but it’s the best I have to give.
A friend of mine, Andy Wilkinson, wrote a song about a plain grave marker found on the Texas prairie. It said, “Johnny done his damnedest. No one could do more.”
That’s the gift I offer to you all … the light switch I found at the other end of the darkened room. Just do your damnedest, and love yourself for who you are. Forgive yourself if you ever feel as if it’s not “enough” and celebrate during those moments when you can see the difference you make.
To Kill a Mockingbird
August 17, 2014
Past Lives
I have memories of past lives.
At this point, I figure my readers are already polarized into different camps. There’s the “That’s cool. Tell us more,” camp; probably a handful of the “We’re with you, sister. We suffer/enjoy this mixed blessing too;” and last but not least the skeptical raised eyebrow, “Yeah, right,” group.
For that small group who shares the experience, you probably already know that it can be confusing and painful … like watching bits and snippets of random parts of a movie in full emotional Technicolor. Sometimes, you see enough to tie the pieces together and actually make some sense of what happened. Sometimes you don’t.
Please, let me prevent this from becoming a debate on the realities of past life memories. Frankly, I can’t swear that this isn’t just a highly visual and detailed means of my subconscious leading me to new wisdom. Past life memories … subconscious processing … whatever it is, it helps me see and understand what I could not grasp otherwise. My latest epiphany screams to be shared to, perhaps, help others on a tricky path.
It was 1930s Germany, and I was a male university student … Heidelberg University, I believe. My best friend (more like a brother, really) and I were “golden boys,” on the path to becoming part of Germany’s respected intelligencia. I watched as the Nazi party rose to power, myself recruited and, for a time tempted by their message of superiority and privilege. My best friend took the bait, and I have an intense memory of him standing handsome and proud in his SS black uniform.
My moment of truth came when I was forewarned that the Nazis were to arrest a beloved professor, a Jew. As a young and idealistic fool I tried to save him and bought my own ticket into a cattle car headed for a concentration camp. The clearest memory of all is of my death, the smell of damp wood and my own blood … a bullet in my back when I refused to be herded from the train platform to the camp. I walked away and died with the freshness of recent rain still surrounding me.
That’s background. The epiphany I must share involves what I watched in the good people of Germany during that process … from the buxom and smiling wife of the baker where I bought my favorite pastries to my fellow students and professors at the university. I saw their seduction and knew my own temptation to follow the herd down a misguided path. Once started … once a whole population became willing players in an evil process, there was no going back.
This is the piece that matters today. I see many good Americans … including some I know and love … following a “party line” that persuades good people to do bad things. People who believe themselves to be compassionate may carry signs and yell hateful things at frightened children along our southern borders. I believe these actions may, in part, be tied to past lives.
You see, when people of good conscience are seduced into doing horrible things, they hang on tenaciously to the lies and fallacies that justified those actions. My own mother, a good hearted woman, clung to the belief that black skin was the “mark of Cane.” How hard it must be for those who owned slaves to embrace the guilt of knowing how very wrong that was.
I don’t have the full answer yet, but my personal epiphany this week involved the importance of providing acceptance and healing rather than vilification of those good people seduced into evil practices. If someone follows a false path, they must be encouraged to open their eyes to the reality and embraced as they change direction.
Of course then there are those who intentionally create those false paths and weave the web of deception to seduce the good hearted but misguided. We tend to wait too long to name who they are and what they’re doing.
I guess if there were to be any call to action from this epiphany … it would be to name the monsters and embrace the minions. Those minions can change if they’re given a chance and not backed into a corner. Oh yeah, one more thing, perhaps greater than the rest. Never ever believe what someone says instead of listening to your own eyes and heart. That’s the slippery slope to minionhood.
That’s the lesson latest learned from memories from early Nazi Germany. Perhaps it’s because I knew and loved many led to the Nazi path through lies, manipulation and fear. If I could, I would offer them healing instead of punishment.
At this point, I figure my readers are already polarized into different camps. There’s the “That’s cool. Tell us more,” camp; probably a handful of the “We’re with you, sister. We suffer/enjoy this mixed blessing too;” and last but not least the skeptical raised eyebrow, “Yeah, right,” group.
For that small group who shares the experience, you probably already know that it can be confusing and painful … like watching bits and snippets of random parts of a movie in full emotional Technicolor. Sometimes, you see enough to tie the pieces together and actually make some sense of what happened. Sometimes you don’t.
Please, let me prevent this from becoming a debate on the realities of past life memories. Frankly, I can’t swear that this isn’t just a highly visual and detailed means of my subconscious leading me to new wisdom. Past life memories … subconscious processing … whatever it is, it helps me see and understand what I could not grasp otherwise. My latest epiphany screams to be shared to, perhaps, help others on a tricky path.
It was 1930s Germany, and I was a male university student … Heidelberg University, I believe. My best friend (more like a brother, really) and I were “golden boys,” on the path to becoming part of Germany’s respected intelligencia. I watched as the Nazi party rose to power, myself recruited and, for a time tempted by their message of superiority and privilege. My best friend took the bait, and I have an intense memory of him standing handsome and proud in his SS black uniform.
My moment of truth came when I was forewarned that the Nazis were to arrest a beloved professor, a Jew. As a young and idealistic fool I tried to save him and bought my own ticket into a cattle car headed for a concentration camp. The clearest memory of all is of my death, the smell of damp wood and my own blood … a bullet in my back when I refused to be herded from the train platform to the camp. I walked away and died with the freshness of recent rain still surrounding me.
That’s background. The epiphany I must share involves what I watched in the good people of Germany during that process … from the buxom and smiling wife of the baker where I bought my favorite pastries to my fellow students and professors at the university. I saw their seduction and knew my own temptation to follow the herd down a misguided path. Once started … once a whole population became willing players in an evil process, there was no going back.
This is the piece that matters today. I see many good Americans … including some I know and love … following a “party line” that persuades good people to do bad things. People who believe themselves to be compassionate may carry signs and yell hateful things at frightened children along our southern borders. I believe these actions may, in part, be tied to past lives.
You see, when people of good conscience are seduced into doing horrible things, they hang on tenaciously to the lies and fallacies that justified those actions. My own mother, a good hearted woman, clung to the belief that black skin was the “mark of Cane.” How hard it must be for those who owned slaves to embrace the guilt of knowing how very wrong that was.
I don’t have the full answer yet, but my personal epiphany this week involved the importance of providing acceptance and healing rather than vilification of those good people seduced into evil practices. If someone follows a false path, they must be encouraged to open their eyes to the reality and embraced as they change direction.
Of course then there are those who intentionally create those false paths and weave the web of deception to seduce the good hearted but misguided. We tend to wait too long to name who they are and what they’re doing.
I guess if there were to be any call to action from this epiphany … it would be to name the monsters and embrace the minions. Those minions can change if they’re given a chance and not backed into a corner. Oh yeah, one more thing, perhaps greater than the rest. Never ever believe what someone says instead of listening to your own eyes and heart. That’s the slippery slope to minionhood.
That’s the lesson latest learned from memories from early Nazi Germany. Perhaps it’s because I knew and loved many led to the Nazi path through lies, manipulation and fear. If I could, I would offer them healing instead of punishment.
May 26, 2014
Flag Waving
I wish I could post a picture I have of myself in uniform. You would see the face of a young idealist. One who proudly wore the uniform of the U.S. Navy believing in all that it represented … duty, honor, being a part of a web of protection for the country and the people she loved. She took seriously the oath of office, pledging to protect the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, both foreign and domestic. She stood ready to fight and die for those principles.
Nearly 30 years later, I still am.
As such, know that I am sick to death of people waving the Stars and Stripes over their own particular brand of bigotry and calling it patriotism. “We the people” does not mean those who look like you, think like you, believe like you, and rubber stamp that only a particular class, race, religion, or philosophy can qualify as “American.” Let me reiterate the preamble to the Constitution:
“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
“We the people … the people…”
I believe and practice diversity. I have a cadre of friends from a plethora of backgrounds and beliefs, ethnicities, languages, gender (far more than simple male and female, you know) … many of whom I disagree with on a regular basis. Effective diversity is not about agreement. It’s about respect. Lately, I have been regularly embarrassed by posts from highly conservative individuals who use my social media space to demand that we all speak English, live in a country “under God” (specifically their God by implication), and express childish and factless slurs against a president whom I suspect history will judge as one of the finest. Increasingly, it seems to me that those slurs and accusations are very thinly veiled racism.
The freedom upon which the ideas of this nation were built has been and continues to be hard won. The Revolutionary War primarily gained freedom of White men from English domination. Negro slaves were once recorded in the Census as three-fifths a man … to the best of my knowledge Black women were not counted at all. Women of all races fought, and sometimes died, a weaponless battle for the right to vote … to be recognized as full human beings.
Today, many strive to demean and limit the immigrant populations, forgetting that, except for the small percentage of full Native Americans, we are indeed a country of immigrants. The gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered population has long been the target of socially sanctioned oppression and is finally gaining basic acceptance of their very right to exist.
Every step toward true freedom for “We the people” has been fought tooth and nail by those who wish to hold a monopoly on what it means to be “American.” Despite this territoriality, the ideal of “We the people” survives and thrives.
As I write, we all celebrate Memorial Day. There are lots of versions of how the holiday began, but one in particular touches my heart deeply. On May 1, 1865, thousands of former slaves gathered in Charleston, South Carolina, to respectfully exhume the bodies of over 200 union soldiers from a mass grave and give each individual the honorable burial they deserved. It was a gruesome and dirty act of respect and gratitude for those who made possible their transition from three-fifths a man to become a part of “We the people.”
Perhaps more than at any other point in our nation’s history, we are closer to truly achieving the ideal of “We the people.” I shall continue to strive to treat all people with respect, but I can no longer remain silent when I see the ideal of patriotism used to defend a culture of bigotry and exclusivism. That monopoly on what it means to “be American” is broken. I wish it had never existed.
Nearly 30 years later, I still am.
As such, know that I am sick to death of people waving the Stars and Stripes over their own particular brand of bigotry and calling it patriotism. “We the people” does not mean those who look like you, think like you, believe like you, and rubber stamp that only a particular class, race, religion, or philosophy can qualify as “American.” Let me reiterate the preamble to the Constitution:
“We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”
“We the people … the people…”
I believe and practice diversity. I have a cadre of friends from a plethora of backgrounds and beliefs, ethnicities, languages, gender (far more than simple male and female, you know) … many of whom I disagree with on a regular basis. Effective diversity is not about agreement. It’s about respect. Lately, I have been regularly embarrassed by posts from highly conservative individuals who use my social media space to demand that we all speak English, live in a country “under God” (specifically their God by implication), and express childish and factless slurs against a president whom I suspect history will judge as one of the finest. Increasingly, it seems to me that those slurs and accusations are very thinly veiled racism.
The freedom upon which the ideas of this nation were built has been and continues to be hard won. The Revolutionary War primarily gained freedom of White men from English domination. Negro slaves were once recorded in the Census as three-fifths a man … to the best of my knowledge Black women were not counted at all. Women of all races fought, and sometimes died, a weaponless battle for the right to vote … to be recognized as full human beings.
Today, many strive to demean and limit the immigrant populations, forgetting that, except for the small percentage of full Native Americans, we are indeed a country of immigrants. The gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered population has long been the target of socially sanctioned oppression and is finally gaining basic acceptance of their very right to exist.
Every step toward true freedom for “We the people” has been fought tooth and nail by those who wish to hold a monopoly on what it means to be “American.” Despite this territoriality, the ideal of “We the people” survives and thrives.
As I write, we all celebrate Memorial Day. There are lots of versions of how the holiday began, but one in particular touches my heart deeply. On May 1, 1865, thousands of former slaves gathered in Charleston, South Carolina, to respectfully exhume the bodies of over 200 union soldiers from a mass grave and give each individual the honorable burial they deserved. It was a gruesome and dirty act of respect and gratitude for those who made possible their transition from three-fifths a man to become a part of “We the people.”
Perhaps more than at any other point in our nation’s history, we are closer to truly achieving the ideal of “We the people.” I shall continue to strive to treat all people with respect, but I can no longer remain silent when I see the ideal of patriotism used to defend a culture of bigotry and exclusivism. That monopoly on what it means to “be American” is broken. I wish it had never existed.
February 2, 2014
Is it Healing Time?
You may think I’ve gone ‘round the bend, but I consider an entrenched and pissed off Tea Party to be a good sign. For millennia, Western society stood on a flawed premise … that for us all to be safe and well, we must protect and appease those who are “destined” to rule … to hold the wealth … to be “Father Knows Best.” There was an assumption of wisdom and benevolence in that class of people – for Centuries exclusively affluent White Males – designated as being “in charge.”
In recent decades, I think well-intended efforts to right wrongs against racial and ethnic groups and women to some extent went awry. As a trainer in the non-profit sector, I am frequently asked how to diversify a board, but, consistently, what they really want is to find people who look different but think just like that “ruling class” has always thought. Too often charity has been just another tool of oppression. Sadly, as in the case of my state’s minority female but Republican governor, those from formerly oppressed groups welcomed into that ruling circle frequently embrace the very worst of an elitist mentality. This may include the belief that any tactics are justified in maintaining their power.
Back to the original thought, the belief that drastic effort to hold the “high ground” on the part of those once protected from consequences of abuse of power … well, this lets me know that Society is changing at its very core. It’s going to be messy, but the process, once begun, will run its course. And so, while many focus on the worthy effort of “defeating” entrenched power brokers, I’m trying to prepare for the next obstacle. Oh yeah, and in the process, I’m striving to nurture my own healing.
Call it what you want, the majority of the world’s population has been victimized by the elite … the greedy and the powerful. It was the root of slavery, the root of subjugation of women, and the root of designating the majority of population groups as inferior and subservient. It was the root of designating gays/lesbians/bisexuals and transgendered people as “abominations” whose existence would destroy the fabric of society. I attribute much of the recent change on the advent of the Internet and the ruling class’ inability to control information and thereby direct the thinking of the people they rule.
When someone or a whole bunch of someone’s are betrayed or abused, there are scars, even long-term open wounds unable to heal. I fear that this pandemic of open wounds may be our next great social threat. I’m currently participating in an online discussion on goodreads.com asking the question “Is Love Enough?” It’s been an interesting discussion, sometimes dominated by those who, for some reason, want to make love appear irrelevant to world change. Through it all, I’ve come to my own conclusion. Here ‘tis.
Love may not be enough, but nothing else is worth anything without it.
It’s time to heal, to work as individuals and as social sectors to make ourselves a whole and healthy as possible. Maybe then, we truly can evolve into a better world. I offer the following suggestions from my own life and process of healing from the scars of being “different” in a fundamentalist family.
• Acknowledge the hurts and betrayals and feel the anger and grief, but then let it go as you can. Do not let it evolve into hate for hate destroys us all.
• Know that you did not deserve to be used or betrayed. Do not feel unworthy because you were victimized.
• Don’t wait for an apology or vindication from those who oppressed. For a convoluted cocktail of reasons, most will never be able to acknowledge to themselves the wrong they committed, but that is their “cross to bear.”
• Stand strong and say “no” to abuse or oppression whenever possible. If it’s not possible, then do not internalize any feelings of self-contempt because you cannot change the world in that moment.
• Stand together. If all of us stand up every time we see a wrong, those wrongs will begin to disappear.
• Don’t judge the oppressor. More often than not, they suffer from the dysfunction of privilege. While inequities must be addressed, the road to healing for those broken by wealth and power can only be achieved through love, strength and patience. As a pastor once told me, people don’t change until they’re the ones who hurt.
• Take the high road. Don’t be drawn into name calling and hateful acts. If you are solid in your own truth, you can’t be distracted by little battles and conflicts that raise so much dust we can’t see the big picture.
• If someone tries to drag you down to their level, ignore them. Part of the cycle of power has been a practice of shouting down and belittling those who disagree. You don’t have to win an argument to be right in your own self.
Recently, a conservative relative complained to me about the liberal media “rubbing their nose” in same-sex marriage with televised broadcasts of marriage ceremonies. My answer to that is that when the chains are removed, the slave may sing and dance, but not to “rub the nose” of his or her former owner. It is the simple celebration of freedom finally gained.
Sing and dance as new freedom comes. Feel pity for those who think it is all about their loss of privilege.
Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing
In recent decades, I think well-intended efforts to right wrongs against racial and ethnic groups and women to some extent went awry. As a trainer in the non-profit sector, I am frequently asked how to diversify a board, but, consistently, what they really want is to find people who look different but think just like that “ruling class” has always thought. Too often charity has been just another tool of oppression. Sadly, as in the case of my state’s minority female but Republican governor, those from formerly oppressed groups welcomed into that ruling circle frequently embrace the very worst of an elitist mentality. This may include the belief that any tactics are justified in maintaining their power.
Back to the original thought, the belief that drastic effort to hold the “high ground” on the part of those once protected from consequences of abuse of power … well, this lets me know that Society is changing at its very core. It’s going to be messy, but the process, once begun, will run its course. And so, while many focus on the worthy effort of “defeating” entrenched power brokers, I’m trying to prepare for the next obstacle. Oh yeah, and in the process, I’m striving to nurture my own healing.
Call it what you want, the majority of the world’s population has been victimized by the elite … the greedy and the powerful. It was the root of slavery, the root of subjugation of women, and the root of designating the majority of population groups as inferior and subservient. It was the root of designating gays/lesbians/bisexuals and transgendered people as “abominations” whose existence would destroy the fabric of society. I attribute much of the recent change on the advent of the Internet and the ruling class’ inability to control information and thereby direct the thinking of the people they rule.
When someone or a whole bunch of someone’s are betrayed or abused, there are scars, even long-term open wounds unable to heal. I fear that this pandemic of open wounds may be our next great social threat. I’m currently participating in an online discussion on goodreads.com asking the question “Is Love Enough?” It’s been an interesting discussion, sometimes dominated by those who, for some reason, want to make love appear irrelevant to world change. Through it all, I’ve come to my own conclusion. Here ‘tis.
Love may not be enough, but nothing else is worth anything without it.
It’s time to heal, to work as individuals and as social sectors to make ourselves a whole and healthy as possible. Maybe then, we truly can evolve into a better world. I offer the following suggestions from my own life and process of healing from the scars of being “different” in a fundamentalist family.
• Acknowledge the hurts and betrayals and feel the anger and grief, but then let it go as you can. Do not let it evolve into hate for hate destroys us all.
• Know that you did not deserve to be used or betrayed. Do not feel unworthy because you were victimized.
• Don’t wait for an apology or vindication from those who oppressed. For a convoluted cocktail of reasons, most will never be able to acknowledge to themselves the wrong they committed, but that is their “cross to bear.”
• Stand strong and say “no” to abuse or oppression whenever possible. If it’s not possible, then do not internalize any feelings of self-contempt because you cannot change the world in that moment.
• Stand together. If all of us stand up every time we see a wrong, those wrongs will begin to disappear.
• Don’t judge the oppressor. More often than not, they suffer from the dysfunction of privilege. While inequities must be addressed, the road to healing for those broken by wealth and power can only be achieved through love, strength and patience. As a pastor once told me, people don’t change until they’re the ones who hurt.
• Take the high road. Don’t be drawn into name calling and hateful acts. If you are solid in your own truth, you can’t be distracted by little battles and conflicts that raise so much dust we can’t see the big picture.
• If someone tries to drag you down to their level, ignore them. Part of the cycle of power has been a practice of shouting down and belittling those who disagree. You don’t have to win an argument to be right in your own self.
Recently, a conservative relative complained to me about the liberal media “rubbing their nose” in same-sex marriage with televised broadcasts of marriage ceremonies. My answer to that is that when the chains are removed, the slave may sing and dance, but not to “rub the nose” of his or her former owner. It is the simple celebration of freedom finally gained.
Sing and dance as new freedom comes. Feel pity for those who think it is all about their loss of privilege.
Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing
December 1, 2013
The Affordable Care Act: One Woman's Journey
All in all I prefer hiking or riding in the Rocky Mountains, but my efforts to navigate the complicated waters of the Affordable Care Act can still be considered an adventure. I’m hoping that a few of my simple lessons learned will help others.
First, all of you can henceforth ignore the hype about “Obamacare” destroying the country. I’ve read the articles, researched the background and come to the opinion that a bunch of folks who have been screwing the American people for a very long time are terrified that the Affordable Care Act is the beginning of the end of their legalized piracy. I think my biggest criticism of ACA is that it put much of its implementation into the hands of a for-profit sector with a vested interest in assuring that it fails. I’m not a proponent of pure socialized medicine, but using for-profit insurance companies as the primary vehicle for providing affordable care to all U.S. citizens, really?
First, my state, New Mexico, is one of the two states with the highest rate increases in 2014. New Mexicans will see average rate increases of 149% and Nevada will see increases of 179%. I did find it interesting that both of those states have Republican governors and that policing of rate increases rests in the hands of the states. Wonder if there could be some partisan influence. Makes you go “hummmmm,” doesn’t it?
Interestingly enough, some states will be seeing DECREASES in average premiums as high as -40%. Some attributed this, at least in part, to implementation in states that have already begun ACA-type regulation of insurance costs. I find this another thing that makes me go “hummmmmm.”
FYI, policing rate increases rests in the hands of the states now, but insurance companies must justify an increase of 10% or more according to the Affordable Care Act. FYI, my spin is that my insurance company is trying to convince me that “Obamacare” is forcing them to cease my existing policy so that I’ll have to buy a new policy at the far higher cost. Guess what. I don’t. I’m continuing my policy next year, and yes, they did increase it up to the allowable max of 10%, sending me a letter blaming that increase on “Obamacare.”
Hang in there folks and do go to the healthcare.gov website for information. I did not register because I’m continuing my existing policy and don’t want to be railroaded by insurance companies into canceling my existing policy and paying over twice as much for a new policy. There has been lots of hoopla about inadequacies of the site, but I found it extremely easy to navigate and very informative. As a matter of fact I recommend that everyone go read the new “Patients’ Bill of Rights.” It gave me hope that the decades old out-of-control abuse of the people by for-profit insurance companies and health-care providers may actually be brought under control.
Here are a couple of pieces of good news. The ACA has an 80/20 rule now that says insurance companies must spend 80% of premiums on actual health services for their customers. If that doesn’t happen, customers will be receiving refund checks every year. Here’s what I think. I believe, where they are allowed, insurance companies are making huge increases in premiums, blaming it on “Obamacare” in hopes that it will discredit efforts to address the healthcare needs of the nation. If efforts to “destroy” the ACA fail within the first year, they are sunk. By then, the advantages to the American people will be apparent and the propaganda will have failed.
I’m not saying the Affordable Care Act is perfect. It’s not. It’s like performing a past-due remodel of a house. It’s only when you start tearing into things that you can see exactly what needs repair and replacement.
My fellow Americans, WE NEED THIS!!!!! What has happened in our insurance and health-care industries is unconscionable. As a consultant working in the nonprofit sector, I have seen the populations who suffer and die because healthcare has become more about money than it is about health.
One article I read was by a young man complaining that young adults would pay more, but the elderly received the greatest benefits of ACA. Well, yeah. When you get old, you need more health care. I’ll wager that young man didn’t pay for his own education when he was five years old and entering kindergarten. In a healthy society, people who are able of mind and body pay for those life-stages when others may not produce as much as they take. Over a life-time, we all pay the price and we all reap the benefits.
The fight for Americans’ right to healthcare has been decades in the making. We’ve finally breached the battlements and the fight is bloody, but I have hope. After all, we are a nation with a long history of naming injustice and doing what is necessary to correct that injustice.
First, all of you can henceforth ignore the hype about “Obamacare” destroying the country. I’ve read the articles, researched the background and come to the opinion that a bunch of folks who have been screwing the American people for a very long time are terrified that the Affordable Care Act is the beginning of the end of their legalized piracy. I think my biggest criticism of ACA is that it put much of its implementation into the hands of a for-profit sector with a vested interest in assuring that it fails. I’m not a proponent of pure socialized medicine, but using for-profit insurance companies as the primary vehicle for providing affordable care to all U.S. citizens, really?
First, my state, New Mexico, is one of the two states with the highest rate increases in 2014. New Mexicans will see average rate increases of 149% and Nevada will see increases of 179%. I did find it interesting that both of those states have Republican governors and that policing of rate increases rests in the hands of the states. Wonder if there could be some partisan influence. Makes you go “hummmmm,” doesn’t it?
Interestingly enough, some states will be seeing DECREASES in average premiums as high as -40%. Some attributed this, at least in part, to implementation in states that have already begun ACA-type regulation of insurance costs. I find this another thing that makes me go “hummmmmm.”
FYI, policing rate increases rests in the hands of the states now, but insurance companies must justify an increase of 10% or more according to the Affordable Care Act. FYI, my spin is that my insurance company is trying to convince me that “Obamacare” is forcing them to cease my existing policy so that I’ll have to buy a new policy at the far higher cost. Guess what. I don’t. I’m continuing my policy next year, and yes, they did increase it up to the allowable max of 10%, sending me a letter blaming that increase on “Obamacare.”
Hang in there folks and do go to the healthcare.gov website for information. I did not register because I’m continuing my existing policy and don’t want to be railroaded by insurance companies into canceling my existing policy and paying over twice as much for a new policy. There has been lots of hoopla about inadequacies of the site, but I found it extremely easy to navigate and very informative. As a matter of fact I recommend that everyone go read the new “Patients’ Bill of Rights.” It gave me hope that the decades old out-of-control abuse of the people by for-profit insurance companies and health-care providers may actually be brought under control.
Here are a couple of pieces of good news. The ACA has an 80/20 rule now that says insurance companies must spend 80% of premiums on actual health services for their customers. If that doesn’t happen, customers will be receiving refund checks every year. Here’s what I think. I believe, where they are allowed, insurance companies are making huge increases in premiums, blaming it on “Obamacare” in hopes that it will discredit efforts to address the healthcare needs of the nation. If efforts to “destroy” the ACA fail within the first year, they are sunk. By then, the advantages to the American people will be apparent and the propaganda will have failed.
I’m not saying the Affordable Care Act is perfect. It’s not. It’s like performing a past-due remodel of a house. It’s only when you start tearing into things that you can see exactly what needs repair and replacement.
My fellow Americans, WE NEED THIS!!!!! What has happened in our insurance and health-care industries is unconscionable. As a consultant working in the nonprofit sector, I have seen the populations who suffer and die because healthcare has become more about money than it is about health.
One article I read was by a young man complaining that young adults would pay more, but the elderly received the greatest benefits of ACA. Well, yeah. When you get old, you need more health care. I’ll wager that young man didn’t pay for his own education when he was five years old and entering kindergarten. In a healthy society, people who are able of mind and body pay for those life-stages when others may not produce as much as they take. Over a life-time, we all pay the price and we all reap the benefits.
The fight for Americans’ right to healthcare has been decades in the making. We’ve finally breached the battlements and the fight is bloody, but I have hope. After all, we are a nation with a long history of naming injustice and doing what is necessary to correct that injustice.
October 17, 2013
Courage, Compassion, and a Real and Present Danger
Know, all of you, that there is a real and present danger. There are also solutions, primarily peaceful solutions, if enough of us can act with courage and compassion.
While entertaining, the show in Washington the past few weeks has a very terrifying element to it. I grew up in a community with a strong presence of the “we are America” and “win at all costs” minority who believe they are the majority. I remember those years when, nationally, they even called themselves the “Silent Majority.” Even in the community of my youth, they were only a piece of the whole, but they were the ones who held, still hold, the power. The ones who could say what they wanted, wherever they wanted and it would usually go without question because others in the community knew it was rarely worth the price of disagreement.
I give that background to let the reader know that I’ve had a lifetime to observe the patterns creating current threats and to create my own means of dealing effectively with those patterns. In the end, I found ways to give and receive respect when I visit my hometown, even in the midst of irresolvable disagreement. As an out and visible lesbian that is no easy accomplishment, especially in a conservative, largely Christian fundamentalist community.
Let me summarize the threats I currently see. The apparent acts of political suicide in the U.S. House of Representatives were instigated by a small group of radicals that either believe they have a God given right to hold the power in this nation or have long told the lies necessary to convince their constituency that they have that right. If it’s lies, know that their supporters believe in that God given right. They honestly believe that our nation is going to Perdition because we dare do such things as finally allow gays and lesbians to come out of the shadow of darkness and persecution (since we are, in their view, “abominations”), and elect a Black man as president. My mother was a good woman, but she was a product of her fundamentalist upbringing. She tried to teach me and believed firmly herself that dark skin was the Mark of Cain and that their descent from Adam and Eve’s son who killed his brother meant they were lesser beings.
Now, nation-wide this minority of radicals has their back against the wall, and this is a minority taught for generations to “win at all cost.” In addition, profiteers make use of this group, hiding motivations of greed for both money and power behind those loyal to “God and country.” The power of money enhances the threat.
While it is essential that we, as a nation, continue this long over-due struggle to free ourselves of a domineering minority, it will not be an easy path. Here are a few things we can expect:
• Increased polarization of the “them and us” mentality.
• Never before has there been a greater threat of domestic terrorism.
• Our highly visible leadership for freedom from radicalism (e.g. President Obama) is in danger.
• Efforts to use the media to create the illusion of a reality that supports radical conservatives with increase.
• Verbal attacks will become more violent and pervasive and in every area where they can reach.
On that last point, keep in mind that I live in the boondocks of the Rocky Mountains. Day before yesterday, I had a car-load of radical Christians, strangers, come to my door wanting to talk with me about “what was happening in the world.”
The next set of bullet points are the core reason why I’m writing this blog. There are ways to effectively deal with radicalism. FYI, it’s not just this group of radicals on which these techniques can be effective, but that’s a point for another day. As I once told a man who was ranting about the threat of radical Muslims, I have never personally had my life threatened by a radical Muslim, but I have had it threatened by a radical Christian. In my view, the problem is not Christian or Muslim. It’s radical.
Anyway, here are some suggestions. I believe if enough reasonable people enact these suggestions we can greatly mitigate the threat and achieve the long-term healing much earlier.
• There is NOTHING we can do about the lunatic fringe. If they attempt to engage you in debate, don’t worry about what they think. Instead be aware of the still thinking and caring people who may be listening. How do you make your case to those individuals?
• For any radical group to continue to oppress their own people, they must have an outside threat on which they focus the attention of those whom they wish to oppress. When a radical attempts to engage you as a glbt, Muslim, liberal … any of the target groups, strive to refrain from argument. When you push back in anger, it gives them what they need. Instead, keep restating the facts not to the radicals but to others who may be watching.
• As the old tactics fail (e.g. intimidation and getting others to believe in their delusions), the “win at all cost” mentality with likely “up the ante.” Expect violence.
• Question the lies and make them known. I make a habit of checking out anything that looks the least bit “iffy” (not always from radical conservatives) from friend’s posts on FaceBook. Snopes.com is a great source. I’ve seen some doozies lately, like the very credible looking article from a conservative publication that showed a picture of a micro-chip and said Obamacare would require everyone who received healthcare assistance to be implanted and tracked. Total fiction. The picture of the micro-chip was actually new technology so that diabetics can constantly track blood-sugar levels.
• Be watchful. If you see behavior from someone in your community that makes you think they are preparing for violence against “the enemy,” report it. In the end, we are the first defense in our own protection. In my opinion Homeland Security was begun as part of an effort to increase the control of radical groups, but, in the end, it may be what protects us from them.
• Last but not least, listen and care.
The last bullet may be the most difficult to understand and to put into practice. It is about the concept of “living with paradox,” a philosophy taught me by a Catholic priest. In essence, it is possible for two people to have diametrically opposing views and both are right. Something happens when you give up the need to know what’s “right” for anyone but yourself.
A story is the only way I can truly explain the concept. Years ago, I was asked by the president of the glbt organization in the Texas Panhandle to be one of three individuals to deal with a group of radical Christians planning to protest our annual Gay Pride Picnic. There was a man dressed as the devil, being pulled by two men using with chains. A young man drug a full-sized cross. A preacher with a bullhorn “preached” (emphasizing that gays had no right to live). We had already warned our group, telling them that, radical or not, the group had a right to free speech. Our gang did a pretty good job of ignoring them.
I was “escorting” the preacher with the bullhorn. They did not leave when they said they would, and that preacher was saying more and more inflammatory things, apparently trying to pick a fight. At one point, I leaned over to ask how long he planned to preach. He ignored me, and when I touched him lightly on the arm, two huge men appeared out of nowhere, stood threateningly over me yelling, “Don’t you touch him!” I knew I was within 10 seconds away from getting my ass kicked and 20 seconds from a riot once the glbt crowd saw what was happening.
Oddly, I wasn’t afraid. I closed my eyes and prayed for guidance to anyone who would listen. When I looked again at the “preacher,” I saw clearly myself through his eyes. My very existence, a lesbian at peace with herself and her God, was a threat to his entire universe. If I could be, then everything he believed unraveled.
I leaned toward him and said, “I understand if you need to hate me.”
Something happened. It was as though all the pent-up fear that inflated their balloon escaped, robbing energy from their planned confrontation. The two men who were helping me (both nurses), treated the young man pulling the cross for signs of early heat exhaustion; the police arrived; and the radical group went quietly away. To my knowledge, they never bothered the Amarillo glbt group again. Basically, when I did not need to prove them wrong to know my right, they did not have the opposing force they needed to continue the conflict.
I do diversity trainings for the nonprofit sector, and one of the things I say is that effective diversity isn’t about agreement, it’s about respect. There is a brokenness that comes with the dysfunction of privilege, such as that found in a long-standing dominant group. There is benefit to seeing that brokenness and aid healing rather than seeking punishment and vindication. Yes, oppression must be stopped, but to return the fear and hate is to perpetuate the cycle. It is possible to win without needing to defeat.
I believe humanity dances on the edge of an evolutionary step that may do for us socially, psychologically, and spiritually what the industrial revolution did for us technically. I can’t explain that vision in one blog. If anyone’s interested, my novel, Kiva and the Mosque, strives to elucidate that vision by using and entertaining story of magical realism.
Should you have the urge, share this blog. If I’m right (time will tell), the application of these techniques by a wide audience may make a real difference. Do what you think is best. After all, only you can know what is right for you.
The Kiva and the Mosque
While entertaining, the show in Washington the past few weeks has a very terrifying element to it. I grew up in a community with a strong presence of the “we are America” and “win at all costs” minority who believe they are the majority. I remember those years when, nationally, they even called themselves the “Silent Majority.” Even in the community of my youth, they were only a piece of the whole, but they were the ones who held, still hold, the power. The ones who could say what they wanted, wherever they wanted and it would usually go without question because others in the community knew it was rarely worth the price of disagreement.
I give that background to let the reader know that I’ve had a lifetime to observe the patterns creating current threats and to create my own means of dealing effectively with those patterns. In the end, I found ways to give and receive respect when I visit my hometown, even in the midst of irresolvable disagreement. As an out and visible lesbian that is no easy accomplishment, especially in a conservative, largely Christian fundamentalist community.
Let me summarize the threats I currently see. The apparent acts of political suicide in the U.S. House of Representatives were instigated by a small group of radicals that either believe they have a God given right to hold the power in this nation or have long told the lies necessary to convince their constituency that they have that right. If it’s lies, know that their supporters believe in that God given right. They honestly believe that our nation is going to Perdition because we dare do such things as finally allow gays and lesbians to come out of the shadow of darkness and persecution (since we are, in their view, “abominations”), and elect a Black man as president. My mother was a good woman, but she was a product of her fundamentalist upbringing. She tried to teach me and believed firmly herself that dark skin was the Mark of Cain and that their descent from Adam and Eve’s son who killed his brother meant they were lesser beings.
Now, nation-wide this minority of radicals has their back against the wall, and this is a minority taught for generations to “win at all cost.” In addition, profiteers make use of this group, hiding motivations of greed for both money and power behind those loyal to “God and country.” The power of money enhances the threat.
While it is essential that we, as a nation, continue this long over-due struggle to free ourselves of a domineering minority, it will not be an easy path. Here are a few things we can expect:
• Increased polarization of the “them and us” mentality.
• Never before has there been a greater threat of domestic terrorism.
• Our highly visible leadership for freedom from radicalism (e.g. President Obama) is in danger.
• Efforts to use the media to create the illusion of a reality that supports radical conservatives with increase.
• Verbal attacks will become more violent and pervasive and in every area where they can reach.
On that last point, keep in mind that I live in the boondocks of the Rocky Mountains. Day before yesterday, I had a car-load of radical Christians, strangers, come to my door wanting to talk with me about “what was happening in the world.”
The next set of bullet points are the core reason why I’m writing this blog. There are ways to effectively deal with radicalism. FYI, it’s not just this group of radicals on which these techniques can be effective, but that’s a point for another day. As I once told a man who was ranting about the threat of radical Muslims, I have never personally had my life threatened by a radical Muslim, but I have had it threatened by a radical Christian. In my view, the problem is not Christian or Muslim. It’s radical.
Anyway, here are some suggestions. I believe if enough reasonable people enact these suggestions we can greatly mitigate the threat and achieve the long-term healing much earlier.
• There is NOTHING we can do about the lunatic fringe. If they attempt to engage you in debate, don’t worry about what they think. Instead be aware of the still thinking and caring people who may be listening. How do you make your case to those individuals?
• For any radical group to continue to oppress their own people, they must have an outside threat on which they focus the attention of those whom they wish to oppress. When a radical attempts to engage you as a glbt, Muslim, liberal … any of the target groups, strive to refrain from argument. When you push back in anger, it gives them what they need. Instead, keep restating the facts not to the radicals but to others who may be watching.
• As the old tactics fail (e.g. intimidation and getting others to believe in their delusions), the “win at all cost” mentality with likely “up the ante.” Expect violence.
• Question the lies and make them known. I make a habit of checking out anything that looks the least bit “iffy” (not always from radical conservatives) from friend’s posts on FaceBook. Snopes.com is a great source. I’ve seen some doozies lately, like the very credible looking article from a conservative publication that showed a picture of a micro-chip and said Obamacare would require everyone who received healthcare assistance to be implanted and tracked. Total fiction. The picture of the micro-chip was actually new technology so that diabetics can constantly track blood-sugar levels.
• Be watchful. If you see behavior from someone in your community that makes you think they are preparing for violence against “the enemy,” report it. In the end, we are the first defense in our own protection. In my opinion Homeland Security was begun as part of an effort to increase the control of radical groups, but, in the end, it may be what protects us from them.
• Last but not least, listen and care.
The last bullet may be the most difficult to understand and to put into practice. It is about the concept of “living with paradox,” a philosophy taught me by a Catholic priest. In essence, it is possible for two people to have diametrically opposing views and both are right. Something happens when you give up the need to know what’s “right” for anyone but yourself.
A story is the only way I can truly explain the concept. Years ago, I was asked by the president of the glbt organization in the Texas Panhandle to be one of three individuals to deal with a group of radical Christians planning to protest our annual Gay Pride Picnic. There was a man dressed as the devil, being pulled by two men using with chains. A young man drug a full-sized cross. A preacher with a bullhorn “preached” (emphasizing that gays had no right to live). We had already warned our group, telling them that, radical or not, the group had a right to free speech. Our gang did a pretty good job of ignoring them.
I was “escorting” the preacher with the bullhorn. They did not leave when they said they would, and that preacher was saying more and more inflammatory things, apparently trying to pick a fight. At one point, I leaned over to ask how long he planned to preach. He ignored me, and when I touched him lightly on the arm, two huge men appeared out of nowhere, stood threateningly over me yelling, “Don’t you touch him!” I knew I was within 10 seconds away from getting my ass kicked and 20 seconds from a riot once the glbt crowd saw what was happening.
Oddly, I wasn’t afraid. I closed my eyes and prayed for guidance to anyone who would listen. When I looked again at the “preacher,” I saw clearly myself through his eyes. My very existence, a lesbian at peace with herself and her God, was a threat to his entire universe. If I could be, then everything he believed unraveled.
I leaned toward him and said, “I understand if you need to hate me.”
Something happened. It was as though all the pent-up fear that inflated their balloon escaped, robbing energy from their planned confrontation. The two men who were helping me (both nurses), treated the young man pulling the cross for signs of early heat exhaustion; the police arrived; and the radical group went quietly away. To my knowledge, they never bothered the Amarillo glbt group again. Basically, when I did not need to prove them wrong to know my right, they did not have the opposing force they needed to continue the conflict.
I do diversity trainings for the nonprofit sector, and one of the things I say is that effective diversity isn’t about agreement, it’s about respect. There is a brokenness that comes with the dysfunction of privilege, such as that found in a long-standing dominant group. There is benefit to seeing that brokenness and aid healing rather than seeking punishment and vindication. Yes, oppression must be stopped, but to return the fear and hate is to perpetuate the cycle. It is possible to win without needing to defeat.
I believe humanity dances on the edge of an evolutionary step that may do for us socially, psychologically, and spiritually what the industrial revolution did for us technically. I can’t explain that vision in one blog. If anyone’s interested, my novel, Kiva and the Mosque, strives to elucidate that vision by using and entertaining story of magical realism.
Should you have the urge, share this blog. If I’m right (time will tell), the application of these techniques by a wide audience may make a real difference. Do what you think is best. After all, only you can know what is right for you.
The Kiva and the Mosque
October 10, 2013
The Seventh Time
I was in a waiting room for a rural health clinic … my clinic, the one where I entrust the doctors, physician’s assistants and nurses with my own healthcare needs. The network of clinics of which this one is part specializes in assuring that no one, no matter their economic status, goes without essential healthcare. I go there because I respect the organization as well as the health providers working there. I trust them.
That day I was waiting for an injured friend who had been unable to drive herself to the clinic. Keep in mind it was a public place frequented by many patients who fall in that way-too-wide gap in the old health-care system where they make too much money to qualify for Medicaid and too little to be able to afford insurance.
One woman, a white face among the brown, took a seat and began to complain loudly to her companion about the “crazy” things the President was doing. I laid the manuscript I’d brought with me in my lap, looked at her and said, “Crazy? You mean like fighting to ensure everyone gets basic healthcare?”
The woman went even whiter than her normal color, and for the rest of the time I was still in the waiting room she contemplated her shoes. Only once did she look up at me, obviously terrified. I had planned on continuing the discussion; but instead, I found myself feeling an amazing pity for this woman whose dress, level of literacy in her speech, and demeanor hinted that she was a beneficiary of public support for health services. For me, she triggered an amazing epiphany.
During my life and professional career, I’ve grown to realize that real change is possible not so much because of direct conflict when groups disagree but by recognizing the patterns that cause the conflict and addressing root issues. In working with diversity programs, I’ve learned that the patterns of personal and family relationships are often replicated in the macro social systems between groups and even nations. As I looked at that woman, I strongly suspected that she was abused emotionally, mentally, and, perhaps, physically. She was simply repeating what she had been taught to believe by her abuser … a husband, or perhaps a religious or political leader. It may have even been a long dead parent whom she’d never dared question even after they were gone.
In that instant, this unsuspecting woman gave me clarity on the pattern to be found in the current impasse between the President and the Senate, and the House of Representatives. To continue I must state something I firmly believe, but it may offend some of you. You are free to disagree. Time will tell if my theory is correct.
I believe that the Tea Party movement involves a small segment of U.S. culture who, for Centuries, abused their communities and the entire nation. I grew up in a time when a White woman could sit in a waiting room full of minorities and speak loudly about something espoused by strong, conservative groups and no one would dare question her. To create change we need to acknowledge that our nation has a long history of slavery, genocide of indigenous peoples, subjugation of Hispanic sub-cultures, domination of women, persecution of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered individuals … basically persecution of those populations who were not perceived as holding the power. Although powerful improvements have been made to address sanctioned oppression, we have done little to change the most pitiful minority of all … the oppressors.
When I was on a rape crisis/domestic violence board, I remember that a common scenario was a partner (almost always a man) beating his partner (almost always a woman). As she lay bloodied on the floor he would yell, “See what you made me do!” What’s more, she believed it. Over time, conditioning convinced her that her role in life was to always keep him happy, and if he became unhappy, it was her fault. An abuser controls his or her environment by being unreasonable … by being willing to “up the ante” until any reasonable person will give in because it’s not worth the price to fight.
On average, it takes a victim seven tries before she or he will successfully leave an abuser. It takes time to process and deal with the emotional and mental conditioning undergone before an abuser totally subjugates a victim. It takes time for a victim to look beyond the individual conflicts to see that it is worth the price to stop the pattern, to escape the Hell.
I didn’t do my research, but I do know this is not the first time that Tea Partiers have used the threat of shutting down the federal government to force their minority agendas on the nation. I think that the President and the Senate have simply reached their “Seventh Time.”
It’s time to stop the abusers, and, on the short-term, we, as a nation will have to pay the price. It may get tough, but we must stick to our guns or the patter will simply continue indefinitely. It’s time to let the Tea Party know that their abuse will no longer be tolerated no matter how many times they scream, “Look what you made me do!”
That day I was waiting for an injured friend who had been unable to drive herself to the clinic. Keep in mind it was a public place frequented by many patients who fall in that way-too-wide gap in the old health-care system where they make too much money to qualify for Medicaid and too little to be able to afford insurance.
One woman, a white face among the brown, took a seat and began to complain loudly to her companion about the “crazy” things the President was doing. I laid the manuscript I’d brought with me in my lap, looked at her and said, “Crazy? You mean like fighting to ensure everyone gets basic healthcare?”
The woman went even whiter than her normal color, and for the rest of the time I was still in the waiting room she contemplated her shoes. Only once did she look up at me, obviously terrified. I had planned on continuing the discussion; but instead, I found myself feeling an amazing pity for this woman whose dress, level of literacy in her speech, and demeanor hinted that she was a beneficiary of public support for health services. For me, she triggered an amazing epiphany.
During my life and professional career, I’ve grown to realize that real change is possible not so much because of direct conflict when groups disagree but by recognizing the patterns that cause the conflict and addressing root issues. In working with diversity programs, I’ve learned that the patterns of personal and family relationships are often replicated in the macro social systems between groups and even nations. As I looked at that woman, I strongly suspected that she was abused emotionally, mentally, and, perhaps, physically. She was simply repeating what she had been taught to believe by her abuser … a husband, or perhaps a religious or political leader. It may have even been a long dead parent whom she’d never dared question even after they were gone.
In that instant, this unsuspecting woman gave me clarity on the pattern to be found in the current impasse between the President and the Senate, and the House of Representatives. To continue I must state something I firmly believe, but it may offend some of you. You are free to disagree. Time will tell if my theory is correct.
I believe that the Tea Party movement involves a small segment of U.S. culture who, for Centuries, abused their communities and the entire nation. I grew up in a time when a White woman could sit in a waiting room full of minorities and speak loudly about something espoused by strong, conservative groups and no one would dare question her. To create change we need to acknowledge that our nation has a long history of slavery, genocide of indigenous peoples, subjugation of Hispanic sub-cultures, domination of women, persecution of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered individuals … basically persecution of those populations who were not perceived as holding the power. Although powerful improvements have been made to address sanctioned oppression, we have done little to change the most pitiful minority of all … the oppressors.
When I was on a rape crisis/domestic violence board, I remember that a common scenario was a partner (almost always a man) beating his partner (almost always a woman). As she lay bloodied on the floor he would yell, “See what you made me do!” What’s more, she believed it. Over time, conditioning convinced her that her role in life was to always keep him happy, and if he became unhappy, it was her fault. An abuser controls his or her environment by being unreasonable … by being willing to “up the ante” until any reasonable person will give in because it’s not worth the price to fight.
On average, it takes a victim seven tries before she or he will successfully leave an abuser. It takes time to process and deal with the emotional and mental conditioning undergone before an abuser totally subjugates a victim. It takes time for a victim to look beyond the individual conflicts to see that it is worth the price to stop the pattern, to escape the Hell.
I didn’t do my research, but I do know this is not the first time that Tea Partiers have used the threat of shutting down the federal government to force their minority agendas on the nation. I think that the President and the Senate have simply reached their “Seventh Time.”
It’s time to stop the abusers, and, on the short-term, we, as a nation will have to pay the price. It may get tough, but we must stick to our guns or the patter will simply continue indefinitely. It’s time to let the Tea Party know that their abuse will no longer be tolerated no matter how many times they scream, “Look what you made me do!”
July 7, 2013
Boss vs. Leader
Bosses vs. Leaders
July 7, 2013
In prison, inmates call the guards “boss.” Seems appropriate. After all those guards do have absolute control over the lives of their charges. When someone has the authority to determine when or if another is allowed to take a poop, that’s most certainly a boss. In prison, that level of authority is about maintaining control and safety in a highly hazardous environment among people for whom lengthy court proceedings have determined that they no longer have the right to direct their own destiny.
When I was in the Navy, I had a commanding officer who taught me something highly valuable. He said that there are two types of respect … the one you’re given because of the insignia on your collar and the other when an officer proves his or her courage, integrity and wisdom to subordinates. He believed, as do I, that the former is worth little without the later.
Lately, I have both experienced and witnessed way too many situations when someone was determined to be the “boss” when what was needed was a leader. I fear it is rampant in the working world where an employee’s worth is determined more by the portion of their time/lives that an employer “owns” rather than the quality of their work and their level of productivity. I have been amazed at the number of times I have seen valuable people fired because they questioned a “boss” who expected obedience even if the boss was interfering and micromanaging in an area outside of his or her expertise. I have learned that a tell-tale sign for a business or organization involves a history of a “revolving door” of capable employees working for a boss who believes authority means demanding absolute obedience. That demand for obedience ignores the need to make reasonable and productive decisions about the mission or goal of the business or organization. A boss dictates. A leader listens.
Some years ago, I heard a fantastic presentation by Dr. Eustice Theadore, then CEO of the national higher education association known as CASE, about society’s current transition from a culture based on control to a culture based on empowerment. He attributed this primarily to the advent of the Internet and the inability of any small group to control the information received by the larger population. He predicted also that those groups who benefitted most from a society based on control would wage a social war to protect what they perceived as their “rights,” rather like so many monarchs did when the feudal system could no longer function. In the “real world” this is especially apparent with those who were taught to believe that, as bosses, they must expect absolute obedience. Folks, as they lose control, they’re getting mean and underhanded.
As a consultant who works in the nonprofit sector, I am particularly concerned about “bosses” of charitable organizations. In the working world, a boss can get away with a great deal because their employees need a pay check and if an employee goes away, abused and dissatisfied, there’s always someone else who needs a job and will take their place. In the nonprofit sector, volunteers are there because they care about the mission of the organization. If they are bullied, belittled and abused, they go away, and these are usually the very people who can best serve that mission. The inevitable outcome of a “boss” commanding a nonprofit organization for too long is the death of that organization. According to the IRS Data Book for 2012 the number of nonprofit organization is on the decrease. Over 60,000 existing U.S. nonprofit organizations simply went away in 2012.
I guess this is a call for action because I believe the Third Sector (nonprofit) holds the greatest hope for aiding our world, our society becoming more peaceful and productive. I call for nonprofit boards and membership to both provide and demand leaders, not bosses. While this full subject may be more appropriate for a book than a blog, I offer below just a few traits to be found in a boss and those to be found in a leader.
Boss:
• Sees accountability as a one-way street with their position having authority with no responsibility to workers/members/clients.
• Consistently demands rather than asks.
• Looks for flaws in others without questioning his or her deficiencies.
• Cannot put their own emotional needs in perspective as related to the mission of the organization.
• Creates an atmosphere of fear within an organization.
Leader:
• May not seek leadership but is recognized by others as the best choice.
• Serves because of dedication to mission rather than seeking personal power.
• Whenever possible listens to all views before making a decision.
• Is able to put their emotional reactions in perspective. This does not mean they ignore their emotions but that they use them to further the mission rather than using the mission to fulfill their emotional needs.
• Is not afraid to stand up when someone else bullies or belittles another.
• Strives to practice ethical behavior both personally and professionally.
• Has empathy for others, but can make tough choices based on mission rather than trying to please everyone.
• Strives for consensus, but can take responsibility for and stand by an unpopular decision if needed.
• Others recognize them for wisdom and courage.
• Creates an atmosphere of joy and hope.
On a final note, in my opinion, the ongoing problem is less about the presence of “bosses,” and more about the willingness of people to enable those bosses. Especially in the nonprofit sector – a whole cultural segment based on the love of humanity (philanthropy) – it should be unacceptable for anyone to be belittled or bullied and yet it happens all the time. In this day and age, when we are finally recognizing the prevalence of bullying throughout our society, no one should ever have to stand alone against a bully (aka a “boss”). If you see it and say nothing, you are part of the problem.
Demand leadership … strive to be a leader. If enough people do just that, this world will change.
July 7, 2013
In prison, inmates call the guards “boss.” Seems appropriate. After all those guards do have absolute control over the lives of their charges. When someone has the authority to determine when or if another is allowed to take a poop, that’s most certainly a boss. In prison, that level of authority is about maintaining control and safety in a highly hazardous environment among people for whom lengthy court proceedings have determined that they no longer have the right to direct their own destiny.
When I was in the Navy, I had a commanding officer who taught me something highly valuable. He said that there are two types of respect … the one you’re given because of the insignia on your collar and the other when an officer proves his or her courage, integrity and wisdom to subordinates. He believed, as do I, that the former is worth little without the later.
Lately, I have both experienced and witnessed way too many situations when someone was determined to be the “boss” when what was needed was a leader. I fear it is rampant in the working world where an employee’s worth is determined more by the portion of their time/lives that an employer “owns” rather than the quality of their work and their level of productivity. I have been amazed at the number of times I have seen valuable people fired because they questioned a “boss” who expected obedience even if the boss was interfering and micromanaging in an area outside of his or her expertise. I have learned that a tell-tale sign for a business or organization involves a history of a “revolving door” of capable employees working for a boss who believes authority means demanding absolute obedience. That demand for obedience ignores the need to make reasonable and productive decisions about the mission or goal of the business or organization. A boss dictates. A leader listens.
Some years ago, I heard a fantastic presentation by Dr. Eustice Theadore, then CEO of the national higher education association known as CASE, about society’s current transition from a culture based on control to a culture based on empowerment. He attributed this primarily to the advent of the Internet and the inability of any small group to control the information received by the larger population. He predicted also that those groups who benefitted most from a society based on control would wage a social war to protect what they perceived as their “rights,” rather like so many monarchs did when the feudal system could no longer function. In the “real world” this is especially apparent with those who were taught to believe that, as bosses, they must expect absolute obedience. Folks, as they lose control, they’re getting mean and underhanded.
As a consultant who works in the nonprofit sector, I am particularly concerned about “bosses” of charitable organizations. In the working world, a boss can get away with a great deal because their employees need a pay check and if an employee goes away, abused and dissatisfied, there’s always someone else who needs a job and will take their place. In the nonprofit sector, volunteers are there because they care about the mission of the organization. If they are bullied, belittled and abused, they go away, and these are usually the very people who can best serve that mission. The inevitable outcome of a “boss” commanding a nonprofit organization for too long is the death of that organization. According to the IRS Data Book for 2012 the number of nonprofit organization is on the decrease. Over 60,000 existing U.S. nonprofit organizations simply went away in 2012.
I guess this is a call for action because I believe the Third Sector (nonprofit) holds the greatest hope for aiding our world, our society becoming more peaceful and productive. I call for nonprofit boards and membership to both provide and demand leaders, not bosses. While this full subject may be more appropriate for a book than a blog, I offer below just a few traits to be found in a boss and those to be found in a leader.
Boss:
• Sees accountability as a one-way street with their position having authority with no responsibility to workers/members/clients.
• Consistently demands rather than asks.
• Looks for flaws in others without questioning his or her deficiencies.
• Cannot put their own emotional needs in perspective as related to the mission of the organization.
• Creates an atmosphere of fear within an organization.
Leader:
• May not seek leadership but is recognized by others as the best choice.
• Serves because of dedication to mission rather than seeking personal power.
• Whenever possible listens to all views before making a decision.
• Is able to put their emotional reactions in perspective. This does not mean they ignore their emotions but that they use them to further the mission rather than using the mission to fulfill their emotional needs.
• Is not afraid to stand up when someone else bullies or belittles another.
• Strives to practice ethical behavior both personally and professionally.
• Has empathy for others, but can make tough choices based on mission rather than trying to please everyone.
• Strives for consensus, but can take responsibility for and stand by an unpopular decision if needed.
• Others recognize them for wisdom and courage.
• Creates an atmosphere of joy and hope.
On a final note, in my opinion, the ongoing problem is less about the presence of “bosses,” and more about the willingness of people to enable those bosses. Especially in the nonprofit sector – a whole cultural segment based on the love of humanity (philanthropy) – it should be unacceptable for anyone to be belittled or bullied and yet it happens all the time. In this day and age, when we are finally recognizing the prevalence of bullying throughout our society, no one should ever have to stand alone against a bully (aka a “boss”). If you see it and say nothing, you are part of the problem.
Demand leadership … strive to be a leader. If enough people do just that, this world will change.
Use the Box for Kindling
Looking at life from a different angle.
- Kayt C. Peck's profile
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