Ursula Kay Vos's Blog

I hear your voice and the car crash erupts in my mind

every dirty little secret I once held like family jewels
tears away in an attempt to free me from you.

Your backhanded words cut me like the knife you ran through
my neck

and with every breath I take I feel your life slip away
while I watch

cursing the day I decided to let you down

and realizing it was never a decision; you were the only way
out

at times I feel a little too in control and I look around
waiting to see your puppet strings taking hold

I fought every day to forget the father that never was and I
prayed when I believed that god would take your curse from me

I counted the in and slowly released the out trying to
remember that air was just another thing I could not forego  

like the guilt you instilled if I ever cared about me

or the guilt you gave that leads me to feel shame

like the divorce I had, and you were disappointed in me

I should have realized by then this girl would not be anyone
you would ever see

or meet eye to eye

I would always be your pawn in your deceptions and lies

in me you hoped your legacy would carry on

my flight, my assertion that I would never be like you

led you to tell me just what the army would do to a girl
like me,

barley fit to breathe

you took bets and ran the pool asking all when I would cave

you wrote a CO telling him I was you

that my drug and alcohol addictions led me to be someone he
should not bother to groom

I would fail and flake out

but what you couldn’t see

was that your very words often times are what fueled me

to a greater existence

to finding me without you

you see I am not your black sheep daughter

I am simply the one who outgrew

your manipulations and torment

I found a life alone

I didn’t say it was easy but in you there was no home

no sanctuary

no solace

just reminders of all the reasons I failed at being the
daughter of a psychopath

I guess it shouldn’t bother me

but I know most days it does

your guilt worked well

that now some days

I feel stuck

feel stuck in the guilt

feel stuck in the shame

feel stuck in the knowing

I was never the one to blame

feel stuck in the solitude

of being tossed away

feel stuck in the knowledge

that your still alive today

I will never be a product of a loving or stable home

my stories tell all too well

from just where I have come

but I’ll strive to know what that may be like

for my children

I know you don’t care

its been that way all my life

but I know my boys

wont have to know my strife

of

being your orphan,

that was never my plan,

so I guess now we’re even

 

Goodbye dad.

 

 

UKVos

3/7/2013

Soul for sale….

 

I get my future from a café, and read between the lines to
portray the future I envision…

All I ask is that it be done now; I’ll take my fate and
schedule it in with precise precision.

Instantly gratify me, I am a western goddess,

let me de-bunk your theories, with my modern prowess

Let me show you that which I hold dear, my Dior essence
defines me, and all that you’ll hold dear.

Never-mind my flaws, my faults or shortcomings, because for
9.99 plus shipping I’ll be everything you can imagine.

My ass, taking on a new lofty life, while my hair grows 8
inches over night…

I have the demeanor of a scholar, and it only cost 4.99

I’ve been the best of every world, as my edited world shows
fit

Hold your expectations high, with your eyes wide shut, and
I’ll be Halle if you’ll be my Tyrese…

Don’t look now, the café of the future is closed, and for a
limited time only

I can be the woman, wife, and mother of your dreams….

buy my soul with your lies 

feed me your lines

I'm here on clearance for a limited time

 

 

UKVos

I've heard it said that poetry is both form and formless.  That it is defined, and without definition.  For me, poetry is simply this; the art of expression.  No matter how you define poetry, you, yourself know it when you hear it.  You know it when it leaks from your pen, and you know it when you experience it.  

As a poet, I can be a bit critical of the poetry I like and what I will call 'good poetry' at least. That, however, will not stop me from having my boundaries pushed and my limits tested by experiencing new forms, or listening to new people!  The experience can sometimes be just as poetic!

Enjoy!

Chess With A Goddess.

 

I fucked him during a chess match of
dares...

I watched the whole thing unfold and
I

I orchestrated this climax of the
strangers dance

 

His eyes meeting mine,

show him every way

I want to be explored

and to explore

 

I

toss my away cares

played the scenario to perfection

and as I fantasize

I lick my lips

with anticipation

 

 

“hello”

he mutters with intentions of sin

 

“hello”

I say as I wonder how long to tease
before giving in

 

before

touching from his waiting lips

down his neck

until I reach his hips

I’ll show him everything

it is

that he has missed

 

 

he’s opened the door for me

showing me the way to his ecstasy
 

I say thank you as I stepped over the
threshold 

 

and I

I am Undressing him with my eyes, I
look to the place I will claim as my own.

 

as this chess match seduction
continues I place my hand gently on his side pulling his
body in to mine

I feel the heat as it exchanges

and

multiplies

 

I lightly graze my eager lips across the
skin

I want to dominate my form

and He

sighs

and as anticipation builds he
breathes a little faster with each flick of my tongue

 

meeting no opposition he dares my
body to leap 

dip into the pool and seduce a man
that

I

cannot ever keep

but I feel this reverberating heat as
it traces the curves and valleys of my waiting body

 

tracing warm trails to be undone my
eyes betray me,

 

they are the eyes of a woman in lust

let me show you all of those things
that will melt away every care

 

 

I don't know how else to be 

There is no where else I want to be

 

but here

experiencing this game of ecstasy

 

I’ve only begun to warm

 

as the idea of you and me continues
to progress

 

I’ll take the chance of showing you
the sway of my hips

forgetting there was ever a world
around me

 

and I  

 

I feel my pulse leap, and I imagine
this social structure confining me, break away like the steps you'll take to
explore me

 

I'll feel my shirt as it tears into
tatters on the floor by my feet and experience your hands as they take over
every inch of me 

 

I'll catch my breath in the shallow
part of my throat

and as the anxious tension swells I’ll
hold your gaze 

as you move your hands

you grasp the place I’ve been hiding
air,

and you

you release me 

dispelling my breath into space 

 

sinking to my knees I show him how it
is to be with a woman

a woman

who’s art it is to please

 

in your strong sure hands you've
taken over

and I

I cannot resist that which I crave,

that which I need to exist.

 

 

I'm In your hands

 

and you

 

your a natural,

like a seductive puppeteer

`` you've commanded my every move

 

and you,

you've molded me

molded

the heights

of my hips seeking yours

 

Checkmate is sweet tonight.

 

UKVos

high
notes during low times leave my lips

stress
and minuscule shit has blinded me to the world to the life happening all around
me

Is
the late payment going to be what I remember AT the end of my life- if that's
what I look forward to

to
move past my fetal state then I have been crawling all along

I've
never really lived a day

if
I can't remember stupid jokes with friends

if
I can't remember the show that no one heard of

or
the bon fire that night then I imagine I've been asleep my whole life...

I
want to open my eyes to things others never see

I
want to hear the beat before you get too big for these streets

I
want to witness the poet spitting through their pain and finding themselves
around a shared love of art wishing to influence the culture that closed our
eyes

I
want to feel the transformation of a caterpillar escaping the cocoon

I'll
crawl and keep up

walk
with life when I just feel fucked

I'll
take the baby steps over the cracks in the floor and stomp these feet to your
soul on a beat

the
consciousness I experience training me evermore what it is to live

sitting
out on a starless night while I am cold and my feet just want to die Ill muse
with you

my
friend

about
the wonders of all I've been given

never
mind the cold- your wisdom cures the temporal discomfort and allows my spirit
to blossom

sharing
thanksgiving and those things not for sale I'll remember

that
value is always higher for another mans dream

the
dream for you

and
I

I
fill their wallet with my insecurities as long as the soul I purchase can be
tumbled dry

my
Cracker Jack smile cracks a smile for you

the
woman hiding inside.

 

 

UKVos

A day.  A small measure of time, yet one with infinite possibilities.  
Everything from the moment I wake, to the moment I rest again, is truly unique, that is if I want it to be!  Today, I can smile at something that would have made me cry a month ago, and if for no other reason than that, today is special.
I am fortunate in the sense that I do have a great network of friends, and have experienced art, raw art.  For me that is what gets my heart to beat every beat, and the melody to which my blood flows.  I am fortunate because I have found what it is that makes my programmed and automatic response to life, become once again, raw and visceral.  The automatic, 'hello' to the random person on the street, becomes now, the non-standard reaction of beginning 15 second conversations, and hearing them.  For a shy person like me, that was huge!  It also opened the door to my own insecurities and shed light on what it was that I had been truly missing.  Life.
It takes one single spark to create a blaze, for me that spark was art, in all forms.  
What sparks you?  What causes your heart to beat, or skip a beat?  Find that, you deserve it!!!
~UKVos~

There is always a comment link within every post, and I would love to hear from you! 
What would you like to see more of?  Was there a post or posts that really got you going?  
All of your comments and feedback will only serve to better your experience as a visitor to my website! 
Hope to hear from you soon!!! 
~Ursula~

‘Vacillate’

 

In my dreams vacillate,

on whether to attack, n lash back at the hate

or leave it alone all together, n just walk away

 

but if turning my cheek should lead to turning my back then
that is the epitome of a cold shoulder. so…

 

I cannot claim to have reacted in faith,

nor can I claim to know the inner peace that Love begets
when one reacts with grace

Maybe I’m diggin’ a bit too deep

but if that’s the case…

 

consider these ponderings a self-supporting funeral ‘cuz I’ve
got far too many facts to face

n’ I’ll be damned if I’ll second guess my passionate musings
in order for some so-called social order to be saved

 

‘cuz more-n-more truth gets distorted anyway so why be
another rat in a backwards race?

 

For Heaven-n-Hell’s sakes folks don’t be afraid to go full
throttle toward dreams or when it comes to the obligated “day-to-day” things be
afraid to pump ya brakes

‘cuz only you can do you…

 

anything more or less is fake

 

Dig it I’m speaking real shit ‘cuz I’ll admit it I’ve had
mad “crow” upon my plate but found the fallacies were too challenging to pack
with the weight… wait breathe a lil-n-know it’s okay to escape so long as you
make your return an expedient one ‘cuz believe it or not,

 

Life is a stake.

 

Nobody’s Fool

February 2013

       _________________________________________________________________

Orphan

 

Conceptualizations becoming actualized transgressions and my
heart can take no more…

 

that withered web you’ve spun so well untangles at my tear,

 

the lies you sold and cherished near leave you alone here in
this space,

and when it’s the end of your days another tear leaves it’s
trail on my face

 

that tear released signifies my freedom from you and your
life lived for terror

that tear traced every way everything I could never say has
held me as your captive

the tear traced was not to mourn the monster I called dad

 

but to tell the world and myself there was still flesh under
all your scabs

that I still stood with my heart beating 

and my fears traced
my face

 

and I know nothing of a life lived absent fear but I think
I’ll walk for the first time today

 

No more running and hiding my joy

 

You’re gone now, I don’t have to pretend to be your girly
boy, and as I get to know me

the one you’ve oppressed so long, I guess I’ll find my fear
of becoming you was not lurking in every shaded corridor

 

I don’t expect to know me right away

after all in all your years you never knew me a day

 

I’ll wake with a smile and a little trepidation too

knowing the world isn’t ever going to be half as cruel as
you

 

my father rested that fateful day when I was twelve

the monster they gave in his place has no place in my life
and dad, I’ll not stay afraid of you

 

The daughter you never had.

UKVos

2-5-2013

Public Speaking is said to be one of the most feared
activities in life.  Even more
feared than death, and rattlesnakes. 

The official term for the fear of public speaking is “glossophobia”.  

Being a person who gets up on a stage, behind a microphone,
under bright lights, I can tell you I have experienced this particular ‘phobia’
first hand.  I often wonder why,
when I am prepared with my material, when I know quite a few of the people in
the room, why I feel so nervous putting myself in this very venerable position.  Is it because it does feel just that
venerable?  Or perhaps, just maybe,
it is my own deeply ingrained insecurities that lead me to tremble at this
seemingly insurmountable task?

Last night, among many great friends, I once again got on
another stage.  The stage was a new
one, and I was visibly trembling as I read my piece that I had been practicing,
that I had rehearsed for the past week. 
I recently wrote this poem, and reading in public is not new to me,
however this stage was.  Once I
stepped off the stage, I felt my hands steady, and I felt exhilarated.  Which led me to wonder; if I had known
that I would experience that small piece of euphoria, even if only for a
moment, would I have been trembling?

The chances in life that you never take could be those once
in a lifetime opportunities.  Those
how did I ever live without this before moments, how did I ever breathe
moments.  However it is always up
to you to take that leap to find your breath, to take that chance to learn what
it really is to breathe!

Take a chance!

 

“Life Goes On”; is a term that many have used
freely, yet fought still to truly grasp it's concept.  How is it that one
can seemingly 'forgive and forget' while others are seemingly stuck?  

 

For myself, I have not always been sure that was
the right question.  I would rather like to think about what it is that I,
myself may be holding on to, and what I have let go, were those the best
choices?  

The knowledge that the past is the past and may not
be changed does not take the opportunity of learning away.  I often find myself looking back, in an
attempt to gain some clarity through hindsight.  

I crave knowledge.  I know, or I can feel,
something more out in the grand scheme of things that pulls me in, it calls me
to seek it out.  I love to read, and would rather read something that can
teach me anything than to spend an afternoon in front of a T.V.  So whenever I feel stuck, it is time
for me to pull out my own story, to read from its pages and to learn what I may
be ‘stuck’ on.

 

Have you felt that you are in some way
‘stuck’?  If you do, notice how
this manifests in your life; does it hinder your happiness, or perhaps you
avoid certain situations.  In any
of those instances, it may be time for you to pull out your own book, so you
too, can experience life!

 

As always, thank you for stopping by.  Feel free to browse the archived posts,
and I will bring you a fresh post next Wednesday.  Until then, be the author of your own life, and live.

 

UKVos

1/23/2012

On a warm Summers’ Night

I recall your embrace

 

Parched skin

Tells the tale

Of a man

 

Who’s always been…

 

Time and distance separate

 

Now here

Wash away

 

As you stick to my skin

Waiting breaths hang in the air

A trail slowly falls

 

Reminding me

Time lost,

No longer

 

Push me

Upward

Longingly

To you

 

A simple taste

My body begs

As your eyes

See my face

 

Naked in truths

Before us now

Secrets for lovers

 

With you

I’ve lost it

I’ve no control

 

Strong arms embrace

Confronting truths

Here

In this place

 

Afraid

I gasp

 

Melt my walls away

 

My inhibitions gone

Vulnerable

Naked now

 

The chaos

That is m mind

You know me

 

Ask me

Will you…

 

A soul leaps

One

More

Time

 

Safe in your arms

Your eyes search mine

 

The passionate embrace

That never left

No longer

A Memory.

 

UKV

July 2012