Tonya Fitzharris's Blog

A biting coming-of-age comedy, "Sassy Pants" is a fabulous addition to my list of new adult films worth checking out.

The story is set in what appears to be a moderate income area of Southern California, in a home that is seemingly trapped in the mid-nineties (caller ID, cordless landline phones, giant computer monitors…I love that the director decided to do this just to show how trapped the kids really are, even though it is stated several times in the film that it’s 2011). Bethany (Ashley Rickards), the film’s oppressed teenage heroine, lives in a world surrounded by pink—clothing, wallpaper, linens—all pushed on her by her prudish mother June. She is forced to earn her high school diploma via home school, and we watch her pathetic excuse for a graduation ceremony where she is crowned the valedictorian—of a class in which she is the only graduating member. Just when she thinks she may have a chance of fleeing the grasp of her mother, she finds out that she has already been enrolled in an online college to earn her bachelor’s degree in accounting. 
So she runs.

Bethany goes to live with her gay father and his much younger lover played by Haley Joel Osment. Yes, you read that correctly…the cute kid from “The Sixth Sense” playing and flamboyant, jean-shorts wearing gay man. And he does it wonderfully—he was by far my favorite part of the film. While there she learns a little about fashion, a little about friendship, and a lot about relationships and what makes them work (or not work). 
The story is very character-centric, and we get to watch Bethany grow from a sheltered teenager—who isn’t allowed to even attend public school let alone go out and socialize—into a confident young woman who knows what she really wants out of life and works hard to get it. We get to experience her first act of rebellion as she hops on her bike, speeding away from her horrendous life. We watch her fall into a “mall culture” when she gets a job at a Forever 21-esque store, thinking that she will have a chance to express her love of fashion and make a few friends. We watch her fall into a state of despair when nothing seems to be as she perceives, and we get excited with her when she discovers a place that can nurture her true calling and help her grow into the person she so desperately wants (and deserves) to be.

To me, this film encapsulates every emotion that a post high school girl will encounter. Although the story line might not be the same, the feelings are. It serves as a wonderful reminder of what it’s like to try and discover yourself when you are left floundering in a world with no structure, and how damn satisfying it feels to finally go after those things that you so desperately want for yourself. Highly recommended!

Check out the trailer below, and find it on Netflix or I-tunes when you're ready to watch!

my third draft

Today I wanted to take a moment and share my newest endeavor with The Indelible crowd! Although I released "6 Seconds of Life" as my debut last September, "Only in Dreams" was actually the first manuscript I wrote two years ago. After a few unsuccessful attempts at trying to snag an agent with it, I let it sit. And sit. And sit. After I decided to self-publish, I knew I wanted to bring this one out of hiding and breathe new life into it before finally setting it free to the world.
Twenty-year-old Casey Tannenbaum wants nothing more than to get the hell away from her disaster of a life and all of the idiotic mistakes she has made.  It’s only now that she realizes that she probably shouldn’t have fallen for Evan, the hard-partying deadbeat with a penchant for cheating, or let him talk her into sleeping with him when she knew he wanted nothing more from her. But she did. And after making one horrifyingly rash decision that will forever change her life, she decides she doesn’t want to deal with anything anymore. So she does the next best thing—she runs away.    
Casey disappears from her Pennsylvania college campus to Heidelberg—a quaint, fairytale city in Germany for her Junior year.  She does everything in her power to keep her mind off of her previous life: develops a crush on her new best friend, takes advantage of her newly-acquired ability to drink legally, and avoids interacting with her former friends.  And it works.  For a short time, that is.  But when she is faced with the the realization that she can’t hide from the consequences of her decision any longer, Casey’s entire world dissolves into a tornado of emotions, and she’s left with nothing but her haunting nightmares, a few tattered pictures, and the weight of her biggest regret—the one that might drown her if she doesn’t find a way to forgive herself.

I am (hopefully!) releasing the Amazon e-book on May 1st, 2013 with the paperback available shortly afterwards. Putting out a new book is a huge step in the career of any indie author, and I love being able to share this event with others in the field who share the same passion as I do to make indie publishing the best it can be! Thanks for all that you do!


Check out some of the fellow Indelibles below!

One of the toughest things I grappled with when I decided to go indie was letting go of the expectations I had built up inside my head. Granted, those crazy expectations slowly got knocked down during the year-long time period that I spent querying--but they were still very much there.
Here's a brief history...
When I finished my very first manuscript, I said to myself "Self, the book you wrote is f-ing awesome. You don't need to revise. Just start sending it to agents immediately." But I thought having just ONE beta reader couldn't hurt, so while I wrote one single draft of my undoubtedly amazing query letter, I sent it to one beta reader. Her reply crushed me. She ultimately said the book was good, but her list of suggestions were overwhelming. I couldn't deal.
So I started another book.


And I said to myself, "Self, THIS book is it. This is the one that agents are going to be fighting over. You will get a six-figure advance and you will never have to work a day job again." I queried that book for about six months, got quite a few full requests, but everyone ended up saying it 'just wasn't for them.' So I set it aside. Because I had another idea digging in my brain.
So I started yet another book.
I had it this time. I said to myself, "Self, THIS IS IT. FOR REAL THIS TIME. You have a goldmine. You will get an amazing agent, you will go to auction, you will get that six-figure advance, you will become a literary superstar." I queried again. I got much better results this time. But I still didn't get that six-figure deal. I didn't get to auction. Hell, I didn't even get the agents fighting over me.
What I got was a whole hell of a lot of disappointment.
I think when most of us decide to try our hands at publishing, we all have these grand illusions of what will happen. We imagine that wonderful phone call with an agent who is just begging for us to work with her. We imagine the day when our manuscript sells in a three-book deal for an ungodly amount of money. We imagine the day when we get to see our name in Publisher's Marketplace. It's what we all want. That moment of literary greatness.


But what they don't tell you is that this isn't the norm. MOST newbie authors don't experience this story. And the reason we hear about these stories so much is because they are so UN-ordinary. If you really take the time to read through some of the blogs of other debut authors, you will learn all about the realities of the business. It's not quite so pretty as we build up in our heads.
So I'm slowly learning to let go of my unrealistic expectations. Agents aren't going to fight for me. There will be no three-book deals. There will just be me, busting my ass to do what I love, all on my own.
But I've slowly been realizing that this is what it's all about. I became a writer because I wanted to share the best story I could with READERS. They are the ones who matter. 
And that's it.

Of course I can't write a series about new adult television shows without mentioning the epic-ness that is "Greek."

Premiering back in 2007 on ABC Family, "Greek" is a one-hour dramedy that focuses on the lives of not only a select group of college students, but a subset of college students that are actively involved in Greek life. Although several different organizations are explored throughout the life of the series, the fictitious houses of Zeta Beta Zeta (sorority), Kappa Tau Alpha (fraternity), and Omega Chi Delta (fraternity) remain at the center of all story lines.The series begins when Rusty Cartwright, a wide-eyed nerdy freshman arrives at the fictitious Cypress-Rhodes University as an engineering major. Once he realizes that his dreams of a raucous college life aren't going to be fulfilled by science-themed mixers in the physics department, he turns to his sister for advice. But his sister, who happens to be one of the most popular girls of ZBZ and poised to become the next president, wants nothing to do with her brother and discourages him from rushing when he brings it up. But alas, he doesn't listen, and rushes anyways. He has a choice between Omega Chi, Casey's rich boyfriend's fraternity of general douche-bagery, or Kappa Tau, Casey's belligerent EX-boyfriend's fraternity of misfits.I'll leave the mystery of which one he chooses to those of you who have yet to watch the show. But even though the basis might sound a bit blah and if you find Greek life completely unappealing, let me take a moment to share a few of the reasons why I love this show--and why you may love it, too.

It's incredibly self-aware.
Let's be honest here...many of these teen shows (especially those on the CW or ABC Family) tend to be just a little bit ridiculous and far-fetched when it comes to certain plots (::cough:: "Pretty Little Liars" ::cough:: "Secret Life"). The writers know it, and the viewers certainly know it, but it just goes on as this unrealistic element that no one really acknowledges for the sake of entertainment. But not on "Greek." 
The writers make several references to comical issues in the show such as strange weather patterns (the show takes place in Ohio yet it is never winter), the fact that the semesters seem to go on for years (some of the characters are juniors for three seasons), or that no one ever seems to go to class (because what's the fun in that?), which are always done in a clever, joking manner. The best thing is that the writers have been known to read through the IMDB boards and pick up on these continuity/realism issues that the viewers discuss and make a point to address them in the plot. I just love how in touch they are with these things and aren't afraid to poke fun at themselves if need be.

It has some hilarious (and smart!) pop culture references.
One of my pet peeves when it comes to books, television, and movies is bad pop culture references.  It feels as though many times they are used as a crutch to seems "hip" or "current" to a younger demographic, thus making them dated almost immediately (::cough:: "Pretty Little Liars" yet again ::cough::). And yes, "Greek" is guilty of this sometimes as well ("The Hills," for instance, is referenced quite a bit as well as some other late 2000's shows). 
But on the flip side, there's plenty of fabulous references for people my own age (and even older) to appreciate, such as Jordan Catalano / "My So-Called Life," "Full  House," Tommy Tutone's "867-5309," "Felicity," "The Goonies," "Say Anything," and many more that I'm forgetting right now. One of the best had to be when Casey and Evan, two of the main characters, were watching episodes of "Frasier," simply because the actress who plays Casey is Spencer Grammar happens to be Kelsey Grammar's daughter. The references are witty and not just thrown in for the sake of making a reference--they're clever and make you laugh out loud once you realize what they mean.
And any show that makes a "Donna Martin GRADUATES!" callback will always remain in my heart. 

It's realistic.
I was in a sorority for half of my college life, and this show nails Greek life perfectly--from the date functions to the chapter drama to the snarki-ness between sisters. I love that it shows to positive parts of Greek life, like friendships and leadership experience, but doesn't shy away from some of the aspects that drive people away, like the vapidness and materialism and general "fake-ness" that is inherent in organizations that primarily pick members based on looks. Sure there are some real friendships (I love Casey and Ashley's) but there are also some "faux" friends, like Franny. Oh, I love that bitchy character--and I know that every sorority has at least one (if not several) girls who are just as popularity-hungry as she is. It's obvious that most if not all of the writers of the show were members of Greek organizations--they nail the lifestyle perfectly.
And the characterization here! I love it. The writers do a fabulous job of making each character so three dimensional, you can literally find something in common with each and every one of them.  Even though most of them are Greeks, they are by no means stereotypical. They each have layer upon layer that slowly get peeled off as the series progresses. Even Franny the bitchy girl.

And finally, it's just plain fun. It doesn't take itself too seriously. And it has a hell of a lot of heart.
Love television shows about college as much as I do? Give this one a shot! I guarantee you won't regret it!

The whole series is available to stream instantly on Netflix!

...you would know that...
I love the concept of fashion and admiring it in stores/on other people, but when it comes to making myself fashionable, I can get pretty lazy. I'm lucky if I can get myself in anything besides sweatpants/jeans.
Up until my married my husband, I had never been out of the country. 3 years later, I've been to fifteen different countries. Definitely made up for lost time.
I'm an only child, and I really dislike it. I've always longed for a brother or sister. They seem like such awesome relationships.
I'm just now realizing that the career I chose for myself and the career I earned not one but two expensive degrees in is not the career I want for myself (teaching). What a costly mistake.

I'm 30 and i still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I let very, very few people in. I've been burned too many times to be delicate with my heart anymore.
I'm still 19 at heart.
If I had a choice to spend my day any way I chose, it would be watching marathons of "My So-Called Life," "Gilmore Girls," or "One Tree Hill." Only seasons 1 through 4 of OTH though, they rest...just no.
I'm terrified of becoming a mother. I still don't feel "grown-up" enough yet.
I need to figure it out soon though, because I'm going to be a mother in August...
I'm incredibly indecisive. It drives my husband crazy.
I apologize way too much. This also drives my husband crazy.
I was in a sorority in college, but quit at the beginning of my junior year. It just wasn't the right place for me, even though I spent two years trying to make it be.
I'm very shy and introverted. I may come off as talkative and comfortable when I meet new people, but it actually stresses me out like no other.

My favorite place to be in the world is snuggled on the couch with the hubs.
I let my past mistakes and regrets weigh on my mind almost non-stop...even those from years ago. I'm trying to figure out how to not do this.
I prefer to write my emotions down than speak them. I always turn to letter writing when I need to spill my heart out.
I tried really really hard to be a vegan for about ten months, but I just love cheese entirely too much. A world without pizza is a world I cannot be a part of.
I don't let anyone in my family read my book. The thought actually terrifies me. But my mother recently found out about it and read it. I won't talk to her about it. Mostly because she might lecture me about my inappropriate language :-)

I grew up in Florida for most of my life, but I never really felt like I belonged there. I longed, more than anything, to move away to a big city. I got the chance when I moved to Philadelphia with my husband, and I finally feel like I'm at home. I love the northeast and it's where I've always belonged.
I cannot do math to save my life. I'm AWFUL at it. No exaggeration. My husband makes a hobby out of throwing 4th grade level division at me and laughing when I can't figure it out.


Take part in the trend at share a little bit about yourself on your own blog!

It's time for another "Indie Life" post--part of a great series being hosted by The Indelibles! Check out the other blogs that are participating below!

One of my absolute favorite things about being an indie is having complete and utter freedom over what I write and how I present it to the world. I've always had typical only child syndrome--meaning that I don't like to work with others and prefer to do things my way, all by myself. And yeah, that means I was never really great at group projects in school--I was always the kid pulling the teacher aside and begging to do it myself. There's just something supremely satisfying to me about taking a project on and putting my whole heart--and only my heart--into it to make it great. Plus, I would always, ALWAYS get stuck with the somewhat "lazy" kids who knew that I was somewhat of a goody-goody and would pick up their slack. It never failed.
So when it came time for me to make a decision about which way I wanted my writing career to go--keep fighting to work with the group or just take the project on myself--I chose the latter. I chose the freedom. And I love it.
So for those who are considering going indie, I want to talk about a few of the freedoms that I personally cherish--those freedoms that would most likely be non-existent if I were to publish traditionally. Who knows, maybe they're freedoms that you will cherish as well.

1.  Freedom to choose my own book cover.
There's nothing that I detest more than trendy book covers--and the YA shelves are teeming with them right now. Particularly the "Big Faces" and "Girls in Pretty Dresses" (forever young adult gives some hilarious descriptions of these trends and they always call them out).  I get it--they sell books. Teen girls are drawn to elegant dresses and well-made-up faces. But the same-ness of them all just kills me. A book cover is a chance to really give potential readers a glimpse at the story--its themes and characters and what the world as a whole entails--in a fresh and creative way. And I just don't get that from many book covers these days.
It's a common fact that many big publishing houses just don't have the time to give each and every book on their list the time and attention it deserves when it comes to creating a dynamic cover. Unfortunately many mid-list books get a graphic designer who may spend about a day combing through stock images and picking one that randomly may line up with something in the story. It sucks that this happens, but it's a reality--one of my absolute favorite YA novels has a teen of American Indian decent with long, stick-straight black hair as the main character, yet the "big face" on the cover depicts a blue-eyed, California-tanned girl with blonde beachy waves. It couldn't be more obvious that this graphic designer had absolutely no clue as to who the main characters were or what the story was about. That sucks for the author who poured her everything into creating such a gorgeous story.
Going indie means having complete control over your book cover. You can go with dramatic photography (my favorite), beautiful typography, or unique illustrations. With the help of a great freelance designer, you can bring your wildest ideas to life, and create a book that is truly your own.


2.  Freedom to write the story I want.
Before I decided to publish myself, I had several agents and freelance book editors read over two of my manuscripts. And while I did get some great advice that helped make my book better, I found myself more turned off by their advice and whispering "no f-ing way" to myself. I remember one editor in particular who pushed on me that the dystopian novels were "selling like crazy," and if I wanted to really get my book to sell I would change my setting to that of a "futuristic world." I wanted to scream out NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO READ DYSTOPIAN NOVELS! in her face but instead I just politely thanked her for her help and tossed out about 80% of her notes. I don't dislike dystopian novels--there are some amazing ones out there--but I feel it is becoming entirely too trendy in today's flooded market, especially the YA market. Many agents and editors think that novels need to be dystopian to sell--much as the vampire and werewolf trend came around several years ago--and that they will make instant money. That's the unfortunate part of publishing traditionally--while you may want to sell a quiet story that is full of heart, they may want to sell a story that is guaranteed to make them money. It's too risky these days for them to bet on anything but a sure thing.
But when you self-publish, you don't have to give a damn about trends. You get to write exactly what you want--which in my case consists of those quiet, contemporary stories that are full of heart.
It's another fact that when you publish traditionally, you must be ready and willing to change everything that your editor wants you to. Granted I'm sure there is some give and take when it comes to ideas, but overall, the editors are in control now. It's terrifying for me to imagine handing over my story that I worked so hard on to make it all my own to someone with a lethal red pen; to let the fate of everything rest in the hands of a relative stranger. Self-publishing allows me and only me to be the final say on what happens in my story, and I get to keep all of my ideas intact.


3.  Freedom to market my book in whatever "category" I choose.
Since I started dreaming up story ideas in my head many, many years ago, they've always been about college or post-college kids--around 18-22--dealing with the general life situations that come about with that time period of growth. I didn't really choose this makeshift YA category, it's just what found me. It's where my heart is, and for years, I tried to fight it. Because technically, it's not a "real" category in the publishing world. "Books about college kids don't sell," they say. "There's just no market."
I had one novel in particular that I shopped around to agents for well over a year, only to hear over and over again that it was "too old for YA" yet "too young for Chick Lit." It was nearly impossible just to get someone who was willing to read the damn manuscript after they learned in my query letter that the main character was an 18-year-old college freshman. The only response I got from many was that I needed to "age the main character down" and "make her a high school student." It was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. 
Luckily, there are other people out there in my very same shoes, and the category of "New Adult" literature has become a relevant one over the past year or so thanks to those brave indie authors who said "damn the man" and published their previously un-categorizible books all by themselves. And guess what? There's people who want to read them! Lots of people! And the publishing world is finally starting to take notice and put the pieces together--maybe this is a viable category.
So when you publish yourself, you don't have the annoyance of trying to categorize your book. You can simply write the story that's knocking at your brain, no matter how old or young or tall or small or dark or light or nice or evil those characters are. Because there's an audience for it. And they'll love it.


Thanks for stopping by! I love the opportunity to talk openly about indie life with so many talented and brave authors! Check out some others!

Today I wanted to take a moment to share one of my writing bibles--the one book that I simply cannot go without whenever it comes to not only creating fresh and original characters, but compelling plot as well. 45 Master Characters by Victoria Schmidt is a writing guide that explores the most common male and female archetypes--mythic models for which all characters seemingly originate--and teaches you ways that they can be used as solid foundations for your own diverse characters.

For each archetype, Schmidt provides a plethora of information and guiding questions to help you structure the most compelling and realistic character imaginable: with her guidance, you can decipher your character's strengths, weaknesses, passions, fears, motivators, reactions to certain situations, well-developed back stories, and even the different ways OTHER characters see the archetype. She also takes it one step further by providing a short passage on how this character would act as a villain--fully inviting you to make your character good, bad, or somewhere in between. And if you get a little stuck picturing the archetype/your potential character (I personally like to have a television or movie character in mind when I try to develop my own in mind--it helps me fully picture their personality and mannerisms), she offers a section at the end of each chapter listing examples each of the archetypes--both the good and the villain--from film, television, and literature.

The archetypes have helped me create a few of my favorite main characters--characters that feel like actual living, breathing people--not just caricatures on a page. The only hesitation I might have about using these archetypes is falling into following them TOO much and creating somewhat stereotypical characters-- so feel free to pick and choose which aspects of the archetype will work for you and make your character the most unique they can be. I never follow one particular archetype to the T.



But she doesn't stop at main characters. Another one of my favorite aspects of the book is that each archetype comes with a list of OTHER archetypes that would help your main character grow and greatly develop their overall arc by being paired with them as secondary characters. I was never really strong with creating these types of personalities before in my own work--I had a tendency to stick to stereotypes (the slutty friend, the nerdy friend, the controlling parent, etc.), but using this tool has truly helped me elevate my co-stars to a whole new level--I've heard several times from readers that my supporting characters were some of their favorites and people they would want to know in real life. 
Surprisingly, my absolute favorite part of this book is one that was completely unexpected--at the end, Schmidt offers up a detailed plan for plotting both the feminine and masculine "journey," addressing that gender issues play a significant role in a character's growth, thus making male and female plots quite different. She believes that in the feminine journey, the hero must go deep inside herself and change throughout the story--she "awakens" and is "reborn" through her story. But in the masculine journey, the hero resists inner change until approximately the third "act," where he must choose to awaken and find victory or choose to rebel and find failure. Of course these plot lines can be interchangeable--I've used aspects of the male journey for a female--but the solid structure they provide and the questions they force you, the writer, to ask about you character and where they are going just can't be beat (these two different journeys could also be labeled "Character Driven vs. Plot Driven," or "Literary Fiction vs. Commercial Fiction," respectively). I've used several different plot outlining tools for my stories but this is the one I come back to again and again. If you follow it, you will undoubtedly have the most detailed and well-executed story possible. It leaves no stone unturned. 
 Well, I've sung my praises about this book for a little too long now--but I'm hoping you'll give it a chance. It has changed the way I look at characters and story structure for the absolute better. Happy writing!
 Find it on Amazon:45 Master Characters, Revised Edition: Mythic Models for Creating Original Characters

For my first installment of Indie Life (hosted by the awesome Indelibles), I wanted to take some time to talk about an emotion that has been overwhelming me lately as I move forward on this somewhat new journey of self-publishing.
Loneliness. 
I follow the blogs of several successful, traditionally published YA authors. And honestly, I've been wanting to un-follow them for a long time. Even though I'm confident with my decision to self-publish and I believe it was and is the best choice for me at the moment, it still hurts to see all of those authors acting all chummy and bff-y at the many wonderful writing conferences and book signings and general Big 6 awesome-ness that they get to share together. I wanted that. I wanted that so badly. Their world looks so happy and they all seem to support each other. And it's not just their fellow authors. Many of them are also super-tight with their agents and editors and constantly talk about how "thankful" they are to have them work on their book and how they just "couldn't do it without them." These authors have all the support they could ever want, and they have an entire cheer team with them as their dreams unfold perfectly before them.
I don't have that.
All I have is me, sitting all alone at my computer each day, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do next. I don't have a cheer squad (well, my husband and family are always there, but none of them are writers, so it's different. They cheer out of obligation, which is sweet, but just not the same). I know part of this is my own fault. I'm extremely introverted, and I need to push myself more to get out of my shell and network with more self-published authors. Unfortunately putting a book out all on my own took away that chance to work with agents and editors and the teams of people that would be there to support me--it's on my shoulders to find this all on my own. And that idea scares the crap out of me. Not only do I have to try and figure out how to sell my book, but now I have to try and figure out how to find my own support team for it as well?
It's an overwhelming concept. And I wasn't counting on it when I first decided to follow my dreams of becoming a writer.

Sadly, the whole thing feels like high school all over again. Granted I was never a complete outcast, but I was never one of the cliched "cool" kids either. I was just...there, floating around and doing my own thing. It didn't suck, but I still felt a pang of regret knowing that I never got to take part in any of those stereotypical "epic" high school parties. It's just a piece of life that I sort of missed out on. And here I am, almost thirteen years later, and I still feel like the same shy, introverted teenager watching from the sideline as the cool kids have fun and enjoy all the awesome things they have in their life. I'm hoping this will pass. I'm hoping that someday in the near future, self-publishing won't be the "un-cool" kids, and someday we'll be able to attend all of those awesome conferences and feel happy and welcomed as a vital part of the literary world. 
I hope that one day I truly feel like I fit in.
I know that traditionally published authors have bad days too. I know that their life isn't always as perfect as I may mold it to be in my own head. I hope one day we can break down the lines between self-published and traditionally published and really support one another. We are all writers working towards telling memorable stories--no matter how those stories are shared with the world.
But until then, I still feel lonely sometimes.
When I'm having my lonely days, it's hearing from my readers that makes me feel better. The readers that couldn't care less that I self-published my novel. The readers that have fallen in love with my characters and my story and want more. They make it all worth it, and they make this journey just a little less lonely. 
So thank you, dear readers.

So I haven't posted in a month and a half. I'm ashamed of that, because there was no logical reasoning behind it. I didn't break my thumbs. I didn't lose my computer. Nothing except for life, and the way it often interferes with even the best laid plans.

A general outline of my reasoning for laziness:


1. I moved home from Belgium to America. It was incredibly stressful to try and pack up our life there (including a temperamental cat) and relocate back to the states, where we were stuck in a tiny hotel in a town we knew nothing about with one car.

2. We had to find a place to live with zero knowledge of anyplace decent to live in New Jersey. Although I'm happy about where we ended up living, the journey to get here was stressful to say the least.

3. We got hit by a hurricane. Only a week and a half after returning home, New Jersey gets hit by a hurricane. Seriously? I didn't have access to the outside world for over a week, and I was stuck in a tiny hotel room while my husband was away working in Philadelphia. It was scary at first and then it got incredibly lonely.


4. My book wasn't selling. Not anything like I had hoped for, at least. I knew that when I made the decision to go indie, it was going to be tough. But I thought the fact that I was doing a blog tour and putting myself out there (which is not at all easy for me, mind you. I'm about as introverted as they come) would be enough. It's not. Not even close to being enough. I guess the part that's the toughest to deal with is the fact that I gave myself a self-imposed deadline: have it all figured out by the time I move home to America. I had 2.5 years in Europe to do nothing but write and build a career for myself, and I'm upset with myself for not doing that. I feel like I should be further along by now. I should be selling consistently. I should feel confident. I should be...anything but this. But I'm not, and I know that's due to my own fear and avoidance of doing what may be necessary to be successful. Who knows. I feel very stuck with the topic right now.

5. I can't find a job. I can't even get an interview. Of course I wanted to have writing as my main gig by now, but since that isn't working out like I once planned, I feel like I need to find a "real" job--the $800 student loan bills I pay every month gently remind me of that. But for a field that was once lucrative (teaching), I'm completely overlooked. I've been sending resume after resume for over a year now, and 90% of the time I can't even get a courtesy e-mail stating the my resume was received. To be honest, the whole situation makes me feel completely shitty about myself, and frankly, somewhat worthless. I've never had to deal with constant rejection, and it's wearing me down.

6. I turned 30. I had all these plans for where I wanted to be in my life by the time I hit that elusive age where you officially become a grown-up, and I didn't really accomplish anything. In fact, I feel further behind in life than I did as a 21-year-old fresh out of college. The realization of this fact made me break down and cry instead of celebrating, and I'm still sort of in a fog about the whole thing.



All in all, I've just never felt so...lost. My life has always been chugging along at a steady pace and I never really had to push myself too hard to get what I wanted (or maybe I just never wanted anything quite as big as I do now), and I simply don't know how to deal with it. Hopefully writing it out right now will help me take a step back and re-evaluate my approach to my career and getting my all-around shit together.

Anyways, back to the whole writing thing. I can't just keep sitting on my ass and twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something to happen. I have to just bite the bullet and learn how to do it myself.

Because I'm the only one who can make it happen.