So I haven't posted in a month and a half. I'm ashamed of that, because there was no logical reasoning behind it. I didn't break my thumbs. I didn't lose my computer. Nothing except for life, and the way it often interferes with even the best laid plans.

A general outline of my reasoning for laziness:


1. I moved home from Belgium to America. It was incredibly stressful to try and pack up our life there (including a temperamental cat) and relocate back to the states, where we were stuck in a tiny hotel in a town we knew nothing about with one car.

2. We had to find a place to live with zero knowledge of anyplace decent to live in New Jersey. Although I'm happy about where we ended up living, the journey to get here was stressful to say the least.

3. We got hit by a hurricane. Only a week and a half after returning home, New Jersey gets hit by a hurricane. Seriously? I didn't have access to the outside world for over a week, and I was stuck in a tiny hotel room while my husband was away working in Philadelphia. It was scary at first and then it got incredibly lonely.


4. My book wasn't selling. Not anything like I had hoped for, at least. I knew that when I made the decision to go indie, it was going to be tough. But I thought the fact that I was doing a blog tour and putting myself out there (which is not at all easy for me, mind you. I'm about as introverted as they come) would be enough. It's not. Not even close to being enough. I guess the part that's the toughest to deal with is the fact that I gave myself a self-imposed deadline: have it all figured out by the time I move home to America. I had 2.5 years in Europe to do nothing but write and build a career for myself, and I'm upset with myself for not doing that. I feel like I should be further along by now. I should be selling consistently. I should feel confident. I should be...anything but this. But I'm not, and I know that's due to my own fear and avoidance of doing what may be necessary to be successful. Who knows. I feel very stuck with the topic right now.

5. I can't find a job. I can't even get an interview. Of course I wanted to have writing as my main gig by now, but since that isn't working out like I once planned, I feel like I need to find a "real" job--the $800 student loan bills I pay every month gently remind me of that. But for a field that was once lucrative (teaching), I'm completely overlooked. I've been sending resume after resume for over a year now, and 90% of the time I can't even get a courtesy e-mail stating the my resume was received. To be honest, the whole situation makes me feel completely shitty about myself, and frankly, somewhat worthless. I've never had to deal with constant rejection, and it's wearing me down.

6. I turned 30. I had all these plans for where I wanted to be in my life by the time I hit that elusive age where you officially become a grown-up, and I didn't really accomplish anything. In fact, I feel further behind in life than I did as a 21-year-old fresh out of college. The realization of this fact made me break down and cry instead of celebrating, and I'm still sort of in a fog about the whole thing.



All in all, I've just never felt so...lost. My life has always been chugging along at a steady pace and I never really had to push myself too hard to get what I wanted (or maybe I just never wanted anything quite as big as I do now), and I simply don't know how to deal with it. Hopefully writing it out right now will help me take a step back and re-evaluate my approach to my career and getting my all-around shit together.

Anyways, back to the whole writing thing. I can't just keep sitting on my ass and twiddling my thumbs, waiting for something to happen. I have to just bite the bullet and learn how to do it myself.

Because I'm the only one who can make it happen.