Tabitha Vohn's Blog - Posts Tagged "dealing"

Really there's just
this one
She lurks in my bones
like poison in the marrow
I can't fully extract
this journey of
spiritual transplant I'm on
makes her
more phantom
than
poltergeist
but she's the
scar of Morgoth blade
wound that keeps on
wounding
resurrects like those
mythic demons who take on
childlike form
she is the small girl with
terror tears who
sits
abandoned
in that
space
you said you needed
Frozen
waiting for you to
come and claim her
She whispers that it's
all my fault
all my fault
all my fault
I'm too much
or not enough to
ever win first place
in this
war for hearts
but now I've circled
back to sawing souls
in two and whether I'm
hacking limbs or
letting go of you
still she whispers
the issue
is not what I do
to show
I love you
Failure
is that I've already
lost you
or found my value's
ringing up expendable
on your price tag
And It's not just you
If it was she'd relinquish
this power over me
instead she
laundry lists the
loved ones who've
chosen someone else
over me
I carry every
forfeit
like it's become my DNA
this catastrophe of complex
I cannot reconcile except to
accept her accusations that the
summation
of these incidents
the
Common Denominator
is
--Me--
so I went to my husband a
month ago
sobbing
asking
why is it always me
who gets chosen over
even if the other person is
clearly
blindingly
wrong!
He'd know
Even he
chose someone else
over me
Maybe that's what makes
this monster
so complicated
that it's not some
distorted vision some
illusion in my head
He paused
and said
"I can't speak for ----
but
with me
it's because I knew
You were the one who
wouldn't leave"
Maybe
if I thought enough
of myself
to believe that this could be
I wouldn't be spinning this
neverending mindfuck of a
web over you
I wish I thought enough
of myself
to believe such things are true
But she pokes inside my bones
reminds me I've come up lacking
Again
and
to see her for what she is
maybe I just need to
Accept it
maybe that's
Just okay
to be the
one person
no one has to worry
about losing
because I love you all
too much
to raise a fuss
Learned to keep it inside
not let her out much
--You--
turned me inside out
and woke her up
and I'm sorry if I've
expected too much
from you
deafened by her whispers
I've been busy banking
on grace
to make me less
of a headcase
and part of that
is acknowledging her
so I can let her go
Love
the way she's supposed to be
and make less of a
Monster
out of me.

Sometimes
I pen these lines
to keep my fingers free
of Smartphone keys

I'm always the one
to reach for you first
it seems
I'm bad at taking hints

though your silence reads
like neon strobe light
signs in rain

this metamorphosis
I've made
tear-soiled
castaway
outgrown comfort object
cast into the back of the
closet
Maybe useless
Maybe an embarrassment
Maybe too sentimental to
throw away

Just
tell me
someone
is wiping your tears with
their tongue
someone is soothing
you with maternal hymns
trading nightmares for sage
is there for those 2am texts
I still check for

It's true
I remain your
guardian angel on
the back burner
hoping your back has bent
to fit the shape of feathers

Tell me
you've drifted into a
breeze true enough
to carry you
Tell me something real

Something you're Afraid to

Anything True

give me --Something-- to hold onto

Free me of this Addict's lie
that pain is the only sure thing
I have left of you

I'm bad at taking hints
and Time's
falling slack on this whole healing
all wounds instead she's compounding
how much I fucking miss you

at least
I'm running out of ways to say it
hoping that means I'm closer to
accepting it
though I don't feel like I am

How can I be?
How do you force your soul
to stop loving someone
or needing to be needed
once you've been on the
other side of that altar?

Do you know I still can't
listen to that Jaymes Young
song?
You're still the first person I
give to God in the morning
ask Him to watch over you
while you sleep

Tell me that
-- Once--
It was Real
For now
that's all I need.