Tabitha Vohn's Blog - Posts Tagged "grief"
Poem: Revival
Last week
On the drive home thru un-changed streets
was the first time I noticed the leaves had changed. Maple trees sport bursts of burnt gold and ocher rust like flame
Patches ignited from within like they know these dying days with waning light are beautiful
especially when we let ourselves be reminded that they're leaving with it.
I can't help but think of you.
Birthdays bear less than subtle needle pain loss why your heart chose two days before mine to stop I'll never know but our birthdays and death days broke juxtaposed patterns like stillborn shutters those blind hands that cut threads saw a suture they could weave when you left.
And we stayed.
Reminded with our pastel candles that we are still here. Alive.
I didn't keep the Cranberries CD or that pair of jeans nobody bothered to wrap gifts that year the idea of our birthdays too vulgar.
[I just looked up that album on amazon bc all I could remember was War Child how I couldn't stop listening to it. To the Faithful Departed. Are you kidding me? God and His humor sometimes.]
But I remember that disc being plopped into my lap before or after your funeral I can't remember. But my exact placement on the love seat and that numbness of life with no taste is photo album vivid.
I wonder if that is why I always feel undeserving of presents?
I passed those clusters of shivering colors and the number hit unexpected as the phone call that said "He was headed out on his tractor and hasn't come back..." Twenty years.
That number.
We've been taught to revere the accumulation of decade days to take notice of the solidity of zeros like stones when I was 20 I was engaged I was on the scabbed side of those fresh wounds and I was scrubbing salt out of the angry skin of others I'd outgrown childhood a lifetime in the solid round numbers and now...you're 20 yrs gone.
More of my life spent without you than with but...you--permanent--.
So ingrained into the DNA of my days that I mourn the existence of that Oct 15th as it becomes the mountain that diminishes within its own horizon the farther away the road leads
To lose the potency of that day doesn't stick and the hit of that number is a glimmer in the rear view In autumn especially on birthdays --I remember you-- And we
Are the war torn past
The hope of that spirit world
And the fringe soul revivals
Of the present.
On the drive home thru un-changed streets
was the first time I noticed the leaves had changed. Maple trees sport bursts of burnt gold and ocher rust like flame
Patches ignited from within like they know these dying days with waning light are beautiful
especially when we let ourselves be reminded that they're leaving with it.
I can't help but think of you.
Birthdays bear less than subtle needle pain loss why your heart chose two days before mine to stop I'll never know but our birthdays and death days broke juxtaposed patterns like stillborn shutters those blind hands that cut threads saw a suture they could weave when you left.
And we stayed.
Reminded with our pastel candles that we are still here. Alive.
I didn't keep the Cranberries CD or that pair of jeans nobody bothered to wrap gifts that year the idea of our birthdays too vulgar.
[I just looked up that album on amazon bc all I could remember was War Child how I couldn't stop listening to it. To the Faithful Departed. Are you kidding me? God and His humor sometimes.]
But I remember that disc being plopped into my lap before or after your funeral I can't remember. But my exact placement on the love seat and that numbness of life with no taste is photo album vivid.
I wonder if that is why I always feel undeserving of presents?
I passed those clusters of shivering colors and the number hit unexpected as the phone call that said "He was headed out on his tractor and hasn't come back..." Twenty years.
That number.
We've been taught to revere the accumulation of decade days to take notice of the solidity of zeros like stones when I was 20 I was engaged I was on the scabbed side of those fresh wounds and I was scrubbing salt out of the angry skin of others I'd outgrown childhood a lifetime in the solid round numbers and now...you're 20 yrs gone.
More of my life spent without you than with but...you--permanent--.
So ingrained into the DNA of my days that I mourn the existence of that Oct 15th as it becomes the mountain that diminishes within its own horizon the farther away the road leads
To lose the potency of that day doesn't stick and the hit of that number is a glimmer in the rear view In autumn especially on birthdays --I remember you-- And we
Are the war torn past
The hope of that spirit world
And the fringe soul revivals
Of the present.
Poem: Wavering
I stood in front
of a mirror today
just staring the
wounded animal behind
her eyes brought tears
to mine I find the woman
I was most sure of
wavering
I've often
wondered what it's
like to reach the point
where I'd have to
search to find her
we only ever see from
inward out but I am not
so cleverly disguised
as to fool those eyes
I knew stepping on
the unmarked path
to you meant
getting lost along
the way but I forsook
the breadcrumbs fallen
blind at the last crimson
sunrise did not know it
was my inner peace
dropping sweetness I
took for truth in the
imprint of my footsteps
It was easier when
I hoped for nothing
easier when nothing
was all I had to lose
of a mirror today
just staring the
wounded animal behind
her eyes brought tears
to mine I find the woman
I was most sure of
wavering
I've often
wondered what it's
like to reach the point
where I'd have to
search to find her
we only ever see from
inward out but I am not
so cleverly disguised
as to fool those eyes
I knew stepping on
the unmarked path
to you meant
getting lost along
the way but I forsook
the breadcrumbs fallen
blind at the last crimson
sunrise did not know it
was my inner peace
dropping sweetness I
took for truth in the
imprint of my footsteps
It was easier when
I hoped for nothing
easier when nothing
was all I had to lose
Poem: Catherine
There's a reason
I took to you
You were the girl
crouch-kneed
in the corner
I was the ghost
on the moor
You arranged dolls
gym class popularity
order on the bathroom
floor I loved him
for what I saw
We both clung
to silence as
to an absent father
sometimes pressed so
spirit bone deep we'd
feel the need to rattle
pots break glass scream
our voiceboxes hoarse
in starless storms where
he was nowhere to be found
You and I know the
Greek myth purgatory of
grieving the loss of the
living having failed him
already though the home
of his body was within reach
you knew the only thing
to do was hum lullabies
in salt-soaked clothing and
let your eyes swell shut
that surrender to the inevitable
the only two good choices
this false hope-held breath
or false pretense of healing
every lowering rock or
grey sky a mockingbird
every cave you let your
legs bend inward a
reminder
that if you let yourself
be honest about
how much you miss him
you'd let sulfur streams
surround you let the
roof fall snuff out that
impostor pinhole of light
and let the cave
swallow you.
I took to you
You were the girl
crouch-kneed
in the corner
I was the ghost
on the moor
You arranged dolls
gym class popularity
order on the bathroom
floor I loved him
for what I saw
We both clung
to silence as
to an absent father
sometimes pressed so
spirit bone deep we'd
feel the need to rattle
pots break glass scream
our voiceboxes hoarse
in starless storms where
he was nowhere to be found
You and I know the
Greek myth purgatory of
grieving the loss of the
living having failed him
already though the home
of his body was within reach
you knew the only thing
to do was hum lullabies
in salt-soaked clothing and
let your eyes swell shut
that surrender to the inevitable
the only two good choices
this false hope-held breath
or false pretense of healing
every lowering rock or
grey sky a mockingbird
every cave you let your
legs bend inward a
reminder
that if you let yourself
be honest about
how much you miss him
you'd let sulfur streams
surround you let the
roof fall snuff out that
impostor pinhole of light
and let the cave
swallow you.
Buffy
What I loved about you
a second secret skin
how you knew
eventually
you’d lose him
but loved him anyway
He asked, “Are you still my girl?”
You said, “Always.”
Hearts held impossibility
like fingers tangled in each others
hair like palms anchored in
holy water his presence
a constant burning
you forgave the marks
his teeth left
his metallic knowledge
within your veins
forgetting the way
you glowed in him
forgetting
how many times you
saved him
grown insubstantial as
shadows in the black
trench coat that turned
towards the moon and
turned towards you
just before your light
became a casket door
to close
a home to walk out on
You tried warmer arms
like sample drugs
sharper teeth
made passionate
distractions of enemies
fooled yourself into
sympathy pains for
ones you convinced
yourself you craved
them
misshapen puzzle pieces
scraping against the tender
edges of his heart-space
The Truth
shape-shifted
into something you didn’t
want to recognize
That it was never the demons
or vampires
witches’ spells
wrathful goddesses
or harbingers of death
that had the power
to break you.
Only love
Could do that.
a second secret skin
how you knew
eventually
you’d lose him
but loved him anyway
He asked, “Are you still my girl?”
You said, “Always.”
Hearts held impossibility
like fingers tangled in each others
hair like palms anchored in
holy water his presence
a constant burning
you forgave the marks
his teeth left
his metallic knowledge
within your veins
forgetting the way
you glowed in him
forgetting
how many times you
saved him
grown insubstantial as
shadows in the black
trench coat that turned
towards the moon and
turned towards you
just before your light
became a casket door
to close
a home to walk out on
You tried warmer arms
like sample drugs
sharper teeth
made passionate
distractions of enemies
fooled yourself into
sympathy pains for
ones you convinced
yourself you craved
them
misshapen puzzle pieces
scraping against the tender
edges of his heart-space
The Truth
shape-shifted
into something you didn’t
want to recognize
That it was never the demons
or vampires
witches’ spells
wrathful goddesses
or harbingers of death
that had the power
to break you.
Only love
Could do that.
One of the Reasons I Love Charlotte Eriksson
"I was younger then and easily fooled
and the ocean was deep and dark and blue
and I took off my shoes to let the water freeze my bones.
I waded until I could no longer walk and it was too cold to swim but
still I kept on walking at the bottom of the sea for I could not tell the
difference between the ocean and the lack of someone I loved and I
had not yet learned how the task of moving on is a muscular task,
a skill you need to learn,
as necessary as survival." (Eriksson, 12)
--from I Go to the Ocean to Say Goodbye
P.S.
If the choice is to move on
or not survive,
I'd rather be food
for the fishes
than to
love you
or miss you
less
than I do
in this moment <3
and the ocean was deep and dark and blue
and I took off my shoes to let the water freeze my bones.
I waded until I could no longer walk and it was too cold to swim but
still I kept on walking at the bottom of the sea for I could not tell the
difference between the ocean and the lack of someone I loved and I
had not yet learned how the task of moving on is a muscular task,
a skill you need to learn,
as necessary as survival." (Eriksson, 12)
--from I Go to the Ocean to Say Goodbye
P.S.
If the choice is to move on
or not survive,
I'd rather be food
for the fishes
than to
love you
or miss you
less
than I do
in this moment <3
Monsters
Really there's just
this one
She lurks in my bones
like poison in the marrow
I can't fully extract
this journey of
spiritual transplant I'm on
makes her
more phantom
than
poltergeist
but she's the
scar of Morgoth blade
wound that keeps on
wounding
resurrects like those
mythic demons who take on
childlike form
she is the small girl with
terror tears who
sits
abandoned
in that
space
you said you needed
Frozen
waiting for you to
come and claim her
She whispers that it's
all my fault
all my fault
all my fault
I'm too much
or not enough to
ever win first place
in this
war for hearts
but now I've circled
back to sawing souls
in two and whether I'm
hacking limbs or
letting go of you
still she whispers
the issue
is not what I do
to show
I love you
Failure
is that I've already
lost you
or found my value's
ringing up expendable
on your price tag
And It's not just you
If it was she'd relinquish
this power over me
instead she
laundry lists the
loved ones who've
chosen someone else
over me
I carry every
forfeit
like it's become my DNA
this catastrophe of complex
I cannot reconcile except to
accept her accusations that the
summation
of these incidents
the
Common Denominator
is
--Me--
so I went to my husband a
month ago
sobbing
asking
why is it always me
who gets chosen over
even if the other person is
clearly
blindingly
wrong!
He'd know
Even he
chose someone else
over me
Maybe that's what makes
this monster
so complicated
that it's not some
distorted vision some
illusion in my head
He paused
and said
"I can't speak for ----
but
with me
it's because I knew
You were the one who
wouldn't leave"
Maybe
if I thought enough
of myself
to believe that this could be
I wouldn't be spinning this
neverending mindfuck of a
web over you
I wish I thought enough
of myself
to believe such things are true
But she pokes inside my bones
reminds me I've come up lacking
Again
and
to see her for what she is
maybe I just need to
Accept it
maybe that's
Just okay
to be the
one person
no one has to worry
about losing
because I love you all
too much
to raise a fuss
Learned to keep it inside
not let her out much
--You--
turned me inside out
and woke her up
and I'm sorry if I've
expected too much
from you
deafened by her whispers
I've been busy banking
on grace
to make me less
of a headcase
and part of that
is acknowledging her
so I can let her go
Love
the way she's supposed to be
and make less of a
Monster
out of me.
this one
She lurks in my bones
like poison in the marrow
I can't fully extract
this journey of
spiritual transplant I'm on
makes her
more phantom
than
poltergeist
but she's the
scar of Morgoth blade
wound that keeps on
wounding
resurrects like those
mythic demons who take on
childlike form
she is the small girl with
terror tears who
sits
abandoned
in that
space
you said you needed
Frozen
waiting for you to
come and claim her
She whispers that it's
all my fault
all my fault
all my fault
I'm too much
or not enough to
ever win first place
in this
war for hearts
but now I've circled
back to sawing souls
in two and whether I'm
hacking limbs or
letting go of you
still she whispers
the issue
is not what I do
to show
I love you
Failure
is that I've already
lost you
or found my value's
ringing up expendable
on your price tag
And It's not just you
If it was she'd relinquish
this power over me
instead she
laundry lists the
loved ones who've
chosen someone else
over me
I carry every
forfeit
like it's become my DNA
this catastrophe of complex
I cannot reconcile except to
accept her accusations that the
summation
of these incidents
the
Common Denominator
is
--Me--
so I went to my husband a
month ago
sobbing
asking
why is it always me
who gets chosen over
even if the other person is
clearly
blindingly
wrong!
He'd know
Even he
chose someone else
over me
Maybe that's what makes
this monster
so complicated
that it's not some
distorted vision some
illusion in my head
He paused
and said
"I can't speak for ----
but
with me
it's because I knew
You were the one who
wouldn't leave"
Maybe
if I thought enough
of myself
to believe that this could be
I wouldn't be spinning this
neverending mindfuck of a
web over you
I wish I thought enough
of myself
to believe such things are true
But she pokes inside my bones
reminds me I've come up lacking
Again
and
to see her for what she is
maybe I just need to
Accept it
maybe that's
Just okay
to be the
one person
no one has to worry
about losing
because I love you all
too much
to raise a fuss
Learned to keep it inside
not let her out much
--You--
turned me inside out
and woke her up
and I'm sorry if I've
expected too much
from you
deafened by her whispers
I've been busy banking
on grace
to make me less
of a headcase
and part of that
is acknowledging her
so I can let her go
Love
the way she's supposed to be
and make less of a
Monster
out of me.
Self-Medicating
Sometimes
I pen these lines
to keep my fingers free
of Smartphone keys
I'm always the one
to reach for you first
it seems
I'm bad at taking hints
though your silence reads
like neon strobe light
signs in rain
this metamorphosis
I've made
tear-soiled
castaway
outgrown comfort object
cast into the back of the
closet
Maybe useless
Maybe an embarrassment
Maybe too sentimental to
throw away
Just
tell me
someone
is wiping your tears with
their tongue
someone is soothing
you with maternal hymns
trading nightmares for sage
is there for those 2am texts
I still check for
It's true
I remain your
guardian angel on
the back burner
hoping your back has bent
to fit the shape of feathers
Tell me
you've drifted into a
breeze true enough
to carry you
Tell me something real
Something you're Afraid to
Anything True
give me --Something-- to hold onto
Free me of this Addict's lie
that pain is the only sure thing
I have left of you
I'm bad at taking hints
and Time's
falling slack on this whole healing
all wounds instead she's compounding
how much I fucking miss you
at least
I'm running out of ways to say it
hoping that means I'm closer to
accepting it
though I don't feel like I am
How can I be?
How do you force your soul
to stop loving someone
or needing to be needed
once you've been on the
other side of that altar?
Do you know I still can't
listen to that Jaymes Young
song?
You're still the first person I
give to God in the morning
ask Him to watch over you
while you sleep
Tell me that
-- Once--
It was Real
For now
that's all I need.
I pen these lines
to keep my fingers free
of Smartphone keys
I'm always the one
to reach for you first
it seems
I'm bad at taking hints
though your silence reads
like neon strobe light
signs in rain
this metamorphosis
I've made
tear-soiled
castaway
outgrown comfort object
cast into the back of the
closet
Maybe useless
Maybe an embarrassment
Maybe too sentimental to
throw away
Just
tell me
someone
is wiping your tears with
their tongue
someone is soothing
you with maternal hymns
trading nightmares for sage
is there for those 2am texts
I still check for
It's true
I remain your
guardian angel on
the back burner
hoping your back has bent
to fit the shape of feathers
Tell me
you've drifted into a
breeze true enough
to carry you
Tell me something real
Something you're Afraid to
Anything True
give me --Something-- to hold onto
Free me of this Addict's lie
that pain is the only sure thing
I have left of you
I'm bad at taking hints
and Time's
falling slack on this whole healing
all wounds instead she's compounding
how much I fucking miss you
at least
I'm running out of ways to say it
hoping that means I'm closer to
accepting it
though I don't feel like I am
How can I be?
How do you force your soul
to stop loving someone
or needing to be needed
once you've been on the
other side of that altar?
Do you know I still can't
listen to that Jaymes Young
song?
You're still the first person I
give to God in the morning
ask Him to watch over you
while you sleep
Tell me that
-- Once--
It was Real
For now
that's all I need.
Second Attempt
The way I love you
wouldn’t cause any notes
on a scandal
yet every contact I
get from you is a high
it’s true
I drop tears from
missing you
Read more at: http://tabithavohn.com/blog
wouldn’t cause any notes
on a scandal
yet every contact I
get from you is a high
it’s true
I drop tears from
missing you
Read more at: http://tabithavohn.com/blog
