Harry Whitewolf's Blog - Posts Tagged "humour"
50 Books I'll Never Write.
By Harry Whitewolf.
1. Hilary Pitta And The Chamber Of Baguettes.
2. The Whistle Blower Referee.
3. Better Than Shakespeare.
4. God's Last Sausage.
5. Get-Together-And-Have-Some-Nice-Cake-Instead-Of-Fighting Club.
6. The Genres Keep Getting Younger Games.
7. The Greatest, Steam-punk, Bum-drunk, Jam-funk, Slam-dunk Of Naughty Dystopian Nightmare Sci-fi Thrills With Enough Ker-pow To Kill The Genre Dead Book Ever Written!!!
8. My Boring Dad Is The Head Of The Illuminati.
9. The Ruff Guide To Dogs.
10. An Idiot's Guide To Idiot Guides.
11. Cutting Corners: How To Pack Sandwiches Successfully.
12. Blank.
13. Smiley Face Emoticon.
14. Forget The Money And The Career, You're Going To Die.
15. Super Sarcastic And The Satirical Sidekick.
16. Young Fonzie.
17. The Help Your Self Be Selfish For Your Soul Help Secret Soul Help Book.
18. This Is A Trashy Romance And Yet You're Still Gonna Read It!
19. Some Vampires Who Fall In Love With Satan's Cock Whilst Battling Against Werewolves, Monsters, Demons and Dumb Blondes With Big Swords.
20. Describing The Invisible World.
21. Txt Bk. :)
22. Lolita 2: Lol!
23. The Worst Book Ever Written.
24. Sham, Pain And Champagne.
25. Everybody's Reading This, So It's Either Great Or Crap.
26. The Annotated Phone Book.
27. Dark Something.
28. Cold Something.
29. Hard Something: The Revenge.
30. The White House Murders.
31. Keep Off The Grass: A Guide For Parents With Teenage Stoners.
32. The Holy Bible 2: The Next Generation.
33. How To Juggle Cornish Pasties Whilst Simultaneously Strangling Chickens.
34. A Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables.
35. The Most Famous Pelican In The World.
36. The Tip Top Hip Hop Flip Flop Chip Shop Scandal.
37. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It).
38. The City And Sex: Feminism In The Twenty First Century.
39. Blink: A Short Ironic Epic.
40. Oh! The Hokey Cokey For Beginners.
41. How To Become Homeless In 3 Easy Steps.
42. Conversations With Cod.
43. Publish a Book Like This And Earn Millions Just Like Me! (Including 100 Exclusive Tips!)
44. So You Want To Be A Mass Murderer?
45. Charlie And The Chick-Lit Factory.
46. Naked Breakfast.
47. Extra Terrestrial Politics – Part One.
48. Time Is Just A T.V Show.
49. Fifty Shades Of Shit.
50. The Book Of The Film Of The Book That Was Never Made.
1. Hilary Pitta And The Chamber Of Baguettes.
2. The Whistle Blower Referee.
3. Better Than Shakespeare.
4. God's Last Sausage.
5. Get-Together-And-Have-Some-Nice-Cake-Instead-Of-Fighting Club.
6. The Genres Keep Getting Younger Games.
7. The Greatest, Steam-punk, Bum-drunk, Jam-funk, Slam-dunk Of Naughty Dystopian Nightmare Sci-fi Thrills With Enough Ker-pow To Kill The Genre Dead Book Ever Written!!!
8. My Boring Dad Is The Head Of The Illuminati.
9. The Ruff Guide To Dogs.
10. An Idiot's Guide To Idiot Guides.
11. Cutting Corners: How To Pack Sandwiches Successfully.
12. Blank.
13. Smiley Face Emoticon.
14. Forget The Money And The Career, You're Going To Die.
15. Super Sarcastic And The Satirical Sidekick.
16. Young Fonzie.
17. The Help Your Self Be Selfish For Your Soul Help Secret Soul Help Book.
18. This Is A Trashy Romance And Yet You're Still Gonna Read It!
19. Some Vampires Who Fall In Love With Satan's Cock Whilst Battling Against Werewolves, Monsters, Demons and Dumb Blondes With Big Swords.
20. Describing The Invisible World.
21. Txt Bk. :)
22. Lolita 2: Lol!
23. The Worst Book Ever Written.
24. Sham, Pain And Champagne.
25. Everybody's Reading This, So It's Either Great Or Crap.
26. The Annotated Phone Book.
27. Dark Something.
28. Cold Something.
29. Hard Something: The Revenge.
30. The White House Murders.
31. Keep Off The Grass: A Guide For Parents With Teenage Stoners.
32. The Holy Bible 2: The Next Generation.
33. How To Juggle Cornish Pasties Whilst Simultaneously Strangling Chickens.
34. A Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables.
35. The Most Famous Pelican In The World.
36. The Tip Top Hip Hop Flip Flop Chip Shop Scandal.
37. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It).
38. The City And Sex: Feminism In The Twenty First Century.
39. Blink: A Short Ironic Epic.
40. Oh! The Hokey Cokey For Beginners.
41. How To Become Homeless In 3 Easy Steps.
42. Conversations With Cod.
43. Publish a Book Like This And Earn Millions Just Like Me! (Including 100 Exclusive Tips!)
44. So You Want To Be A Mass Murderer?
45. Charlie And The Chick-Lit Factory.
46. Naked Breakfast.
47. Extra Terrestrial Politics – Part One.
48. Time Is Just A T.V Show.
49. Fifty Shades Of Shit.
50. The Book Of The Film Of The Book That Was Never Made.
THE ROAD TO PURIFICATION: Hustlers, Hassles & Hash.
COMING VERY SOON: THE NEW BOOK BY HARRY WHITEWOLF.
A post-modern, pot smoking Egyptian pilgrimage. The true story of a backpacking journey like no other!
THE ROAD TO PURIFICATION: Hustlers, Hassles & Hash.
When Mad Harry spontaneously books a flight for Egypt, he doesn't know that he's about to embark on a fate given pilgrimage.
In fact, he's not even sure why he's going, or what he's going to do when he gets there.
All he knows is he's got to get away.
Guided by signs in numbers, names and otherworldly encounters, Mad Harry's trip often seems to be a magical manifestation of his mind.
A crazy headed, hassle driven, sleep deprived, dope smoking journey with non-stop tests of trust and temptation.
A holiday this is not.
This good humoured true story is told in a frank, rhythmic and playful voice. Set in 2010, shortly before the revolution, it's a backpacking odyssey through tremendous temples, towering pyramids, chaotic cities, small villages and dirty beaches, with a backdrop of ancient spiritual gnosis!
In real life, the story of this book took place seven months before the tale told in my debut: Route Number 11. But The Road To Purification is more of a sister book than a prequel and it can most certainly be read in its own right.
A post-modern, pot smoking Egyptian pilgrimage. The true story of a backpacking journey like no other!
THE ROAD TO PURIFICATION: Hustlers, Hassles & Hash.
When Mad Harry spontaneously books a flight for Egypt, he doesn't know that he's about to embark on a fate given pilgrimage.
In fact, he's not even sure why he's going, or what he's going to do when he gets there.
All he knows is he's got to get away.
Guided by signs in numbers, names and otherworldly encounters, Mad Harry's trip often seems to be a magical manifestation of his mind.
A crazy headed, hassle driven, sleep deprived, dope smoking journey with non-stop tests of trust and temptation.
A holiday this is not.
This good humoured true story is told in a frank, rhythmic and playful voice. Set in 2010, shortly before the revolution, it's a backpacking odyssey through tremendous temples, towering pyramids, chaotic cities, small villages and dirty beaches, with a backdrop of ancient spiritual gnosis!
In real life, the story of this book took place seven months before the tale told in my debut: Route Number 11. But The Road To Purification is more of a sister book than a prequel and it can most certainly be read in its own right.
Another 50 Books I'll Never Write.
1. Henry Thunder And The Secret Of The Copycat Book.
2. Don't Comb My Hamster.
3. Legal Advice For Snake Charmers.
4. Explaining Cockney Rhyming Slang To Septic Tanks.
5. Life Of Fibonacci: A Lame Yann Martel Related Joke.
6. Pot The Green: The Tale Of A Stoner Snooker Star.
7. Part One.
8. Part One: Part Two.
9. Part One: Part Three.
10. When The Bees Have All Gone, We're F***ed.
11. Trip Tips.
12. The Nation's Favourite Terrorist.
13. Cats And Raccoons In Catacombs.
14. The Church Of Atheism.
15. Being Irony: The Tale Of A Piece of Metal.
16. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It) Part Two: Bliar Forever.
17. Henry Kissinger Can Kiss My Ass.
18. Frigid Bridget And The Fidgiting Midget.
19. Thou Shalt Not Kill: A Vegetarian Cookbook For Recently Repenting Christians.
20. Shut Harry Whitewolf The Fuck Up.
21. Digital Days Part One: Since The Internet Happened, Everyone Thinks They're A Graphic Designer.
22. Digital Days Part Two: Since The Internet Happened, Anyone Who Can Read And Write Can Claim To Be An Author.
23. Dog Eat Dog Orobouros.
24. What If 42 Really Is The Answer?
25. Hot Hearts Entwined.
26. Hearts Entwined With Love.
27. Love Hearts Hot Entwined.
28. Part Two: Part One.
29. Part Two: Part Two.
30. Part Two: Part Four – What Happened To Part Two: Part Three?
31. What Is It With Bloody Vampires?
32. The Thai Light Saga.
33. The Bruce Forsyth Saga.
34. Pictures Of Cute Kittens That'll Make You Say “Ohhh!”
35. Some Lucky Bastard's Five Star Globe Trotting Journey Tale.
36. Bad-reads.
37. How To Give Up Giving Up.
38. His Shark Materials.
39. Bend Over And Let This Book Shove It To Ya!
40. Stop It With The Opposites.
41. The Forty Steps.
42. Seriously, What Are We Fighting For?
43. Handel's Tricks With Candlesticks.
44. More Bloody Vampires.
45. The Cut In The Hut.
46. The Sodding Something Code.
47. Does Everybody Understand My Humour?
48. Black Cover, Red Lettering: You Can Bet It's A Thriller.
49. Withering Hats.
50. Still Waiting For Godot.
2. Don't Comb My Hamster.
3. Legal Advice For Snake Charmers.
4. Explaining Cockney Rhyming Slang To Septic Tanks.
5. Life Of Fibonacci: A Lame Yann Martel Related Joke.
6. Pot The Green: The Tale Of A Stoner Snooker Star.
7. Part One.
8. Part One: Part Two.
9. Part One: Part Three.
10. When The Bees Have All Gone, We're F***ed.
11. Trip Tips.
12. The Nation's Favourite Terrorist.
13. Cats And Raccoons In Catacombs.
14. The Church Of Atheism.
15. Being Irony: The Tale Of A Piece of Metal.
16. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It) Part Two: Bliar Forever.
17. Henry Kissinger Can Kiss My Ass.
18. Frigid Bridget And The Fidgiting Midget.
19. Thou Shalt Not Kill: A Vegetarian Cookbook For Recently Repenting Christians.
20. Shut Harry Whitewolf The Fuck Up.
21. Digital Days Part One: Since The Internet Happened, Everyone Thinks They're A Graphic Designer.
22. Digital Days Part Two: Since The Internet Happened, Anyone Who Can Read And Write Can Claim To Be An Author.
23. Dog Eat Dog Orobouros.
24. What If 42 Really Is The Answer?
25. Hot Hearts Entwined.
26. Hearts Entwined With Love.
27. Love Hearts Hot Entwined.
28. Part Two: Part One.
29. Part Two: Part Two.
30. Part Two: Part Four – What Happened To Part Two: Part Three?
31. What Is It With Bloody Vampires?
32. The Thai Light Saga.
33. The Bruce Forsyth Saga.
34. Pictures Of Cute Kittens That'll Make You Say “Ohhh!”
35. Some Lucky Bastard's Five Star Globe Trotting Journey Tale.
36. Bad-reads.
37. How To Give Up Giving Up.
38. His Shark Materials.
39. Bend Over And Let This Book Shove It To Ya!
40. Stop It With The Opposites.
41. The Forty Steps.
42. Seriously, What Are We Fighting For?
43. Handel's Tricks With Candlesticks.
44. More Bloody Vampires.
45. The Cut In The Hut.
46. The Sodding Something Code.
47. Does Everybody Understand My Humour?
48. Black Cover, Red Lettering: You Can Bet It's A Thriller.
49. Withering Hats.
50. Still Waiting For Godot.
20 ANAGRAMS OF FAMOUS BOOKS.
Here are twenty anagrams of famous books that I've created. Can you solve them?
(Ignore punctuation. Answers in comments below.)
1. He Hurt Eggs Within.
2. Odd, Hectic, Naive.
3. Worship Wanted.
4. Hamlet Ethics.
5. That Hot Bird Celery-proof Panhandler.
6. Shane the Mugger.
7. Yo! Ape Travel.
8. Better At Shaggy.
9. Teeth Cent Hierarchy.
10. Do Another.
11. Am Firm Anal.
12. Defy Shit Of Greasy.
13. Hit The Bob.
14. Engine Or Tax.
15. Her Jet Ball.
16. Named Of Mince.
17. Agent Cot: Sex Pirate.
18. Candle Hunk.
19. El Mojo Urinated.
20. Lo! Wank Cracker Goo!
(Ignore punctuation. Answers in comments below.)
1. He Hurt Eggs Within.
2. Odd, Hectic, Naive.
3. Worship Wanted.
4. Hamlet Ethics.
5. That Hot Bird Celery-proof Panhandler.
6. Shane the Mugger.
7. Yo! Ape Travel.
8. Better At Shaggy.
9. Teeth Cent Hierarchy.
10. Do Another.
11. Am Firm Anal.
12. Defy Shit Of Greasy.
13. Hit The Bob.
14. Engine Or Tax.
15. Her Jet Ball.
16. Named Of Mince.
17. Agent Cot: Sex Pirate.
18. Candle Hunk.
19. El Mojo Urinated.
20. Lo! Wank Cracker Goo!
GENRE GRIPES
I'm one of those people that's bookish, but not overly bookish; if simply for the fact that life often throws curve balls at me, during which it is sometimes difficult to read amongst the chaos. But I digress already. My point for bringing it up is that I would have once been able to easily list the genres into which books are categorised, and before joining Goodreads, I thought I was still pretty much up to date with things. I knew about YA. Yeah, I was down with the Harry Potter kids. Hm, what I didn't realise was that the last ten years had just flown by in the blink of an eye and I was now digitally handicapped in a new author age.
Steampunk? What the hell is that? Dystopia's now a genre? What is the correct classification for all these goddamn vampire books? What the hell is the difference between New Adult and Young Adult? Isn't a new adult young by nature? What's the difference between Memoir and Autobiography? Does the latter have to be written by someone famous and the former by some wannabe writer describing their funny holiday to The Isle of Wight? Steampunk Romance, Western Historical Romance, Paranormal Romance... And Amish Fiction? Doesn't anyone see the irony of selling Amish literature on the internet? I mean, who the hell buys that?
Hm, at thirty eight years old, I am not up to speed. Not that I'm much interested in those genres anyway, but it would be good to think that, as an author, I knew about books.
So, with all the hundreds of genre choices available (just like shampoo, for instance), it's frustrating for me to be the author of books which are still pretty unclassifiable. Route Number 11 and The Road To Purification are in: Travel and Mind Body Spirit (which is confusing in itself, seeing as that term is correct in the U.K, whereas it's Body Mind Spirit in the U.S, and simply Spirituality on Goodreads). Equally, my work could be a Memoir, or perhaps, at a long shot, be included amongst Poetry. And yet, the whole of Route Number 11- a uniquely written, cut up, beat-like true story of travel, hedonism and spirituality which reads somewhat like fiction- remains unclassifiable. As an author attempting to find a target audience, this is in no way helpful.
Hopefully my books find the right readers amongst the blur of virtual bookshelf name tags, but, jeez, it's hard trying to promote oneself for such books as mine. But then I remember that it's those unclassifiable books that I've always loved the most. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, On The Road, Naked Lunch...
Though, if I'm ever to make any money out of this baring my soul, working like a madman activity of writing, perhaps I should just write 'The Vampires of Death Street' or 'Henry The Half Wizard' instead.
Steampunk? What the hell is that? Dystopia's now a genre? What is the correct classification for all these goddamn vampire books? What the hell is the difference between New Adult and Young Adult? Isn't a new adult young by nature? What's the difference between Memoir and Autobiography? Does the latter have to be written by someone famous and the former by some wannabe writer describing their funny holiday to The Isle of Wight? Steampunk Romance, Western Historical Romance, Paranormal Romance... And Amish Fiction? Doesn't anyone see the irony of selling Amish literature on the internet? I mean, who the hell buys that?
Hm, at thirty eight years old, I am not up to speed. Not that I'm much interested in those genres anyway, but it would be good to think that, as an author, I knew about books.
So, with all the hundreds of genre choices available (just like shampoo, for instance), it's frustrating for me to be the author of books which are still pretty unclassifiable. Route Number 11 and The Road To Purification are in: Travel and Mind Body Spirit (which is confusing in itself, seeing as that term is correct in the U.K, whereas it's Body Mind Spirit in the U.S, and simply Spirituality on Goodreads). Equally, my work could be a Memoir, or perhaps, at a long shot, be included amongst Poetry. And yet, the whole of Route Number 11- a uniquely written, cut up, beat-like true story of travel, hedonism and spirituality which reads somewhat like fiction- remains unclassifiable. As an author attempting to find a target audience, this is in no way helpful.
Hopefully my books find the right readers amongst the blur of virtual bookshelf name tags, but, jeez, it's hard trying to promote oneself for such books as mine. But then I remember that it's those unclassifiable books that I've always loved the most. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, On The Road, Naked Lunch...
Though, if I'm ever to make any money out of this baring my soul, working like a madman activity of writing, perhaps I should just write 'The Vampires of Death Street' or 'Henry The Half Wizard' instead.
My new New Beat Newbie book!
My new book of unique beat driven poetry is ready to orgasmically burst out into the world... so you'd better watch out! Whitewolf's about.
Come on cats, let's go.
Let's teach those old dog cheap trick beatniks some new kicks and bottle up and blow.
Explode, like helter skelter moon dogs in the night.
Overdose with bebop prose bent towards the ears of no fear's generation.
A new razzmatazz jazz jerking sensation.
-From 'The Beats Go On'.
NEW BEAT NEWBIE.
Written in a frantic blur of inspiration over the first two months of 2015, this short collection of contemporary neo-beat poetry by spiritual travel writer Harry Whitewolf is a passionately delivered, in your face dose of pop prose for the digital, conspiratorial, twenty first century world.
Political poems like Kissinger Can Kiss My Ass and Frack Off ride alongside conspiracy themed odes like Illuminate Me Illuminati and Fly Your False Flags. There are beat homages (Cider With Snyder, The New Beat Newbies), mystical musings (Bye Bye Bao Bao, Mystic Prison), poems mimicking and mocking the modern age (#Smiley Face, Googling Goo), as well as tales of timeless hedonism (Legless Pub Crawls, Malbec Green Bottle Neck).
Both comic and tragic, angry and compassionate, this collection of new poems is ultimately Whitewolf's howling for a peaceful revolution. Beginning with rhythmic baby new beats.
NEW BEAT NEWBIE FREEBIES!
You can read a lot of my book New Beat Newbie here:
https://www.goodreads.com/reader/6745...
And if you ask nicely, I might send you a pdf or epub copy- just message me!
Available on Amazon Unlimited for
£/$0.00!
Kindle edition:
$1.48 including VAT (U.S)/£0.99 (U.K)
http://www.amazon.com/New-Beat-Newbie...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Beat-Newb...
Paperback edition:
$5.38 (U.S)/£2.99 (U.K)
http://www.amazon.com/New-Beat-Newbie...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Beat-Newb...
Thanks for your interest!
Harry.
I would also like to thank Mat Kondo, not only for his liberal allowance of my stealing the term 'neo-beat' from him, but also for his book First Harvest: Collected Poems, 2003-2013 for igniting the poetic flame.
Farquhar the Phoenix: a taste of ReejecttIIon.
Finding an idea for a story isn’t too difficult. Finding a really good story idea, however, is harder than a skinhead Rottweiler from Glasgow named Reggie Kray wielding a machete.
Some ideas just come, and as much as they plead with me to be written, they seem unable to evolve beyond that simple germ of an idea. So it is with this short piece entitled Farquhar the Phoenix, which was rejected from the final edit of the upcoming book ReejecttIIon: A Number Two, the sequel to that marvellous writer and all-round good bloke Daniel Clausen’s Reejecttion – which you can read for absolutely free here:
http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t...
(Hell, if I can write for a sequel when I had nothing to do with the original, I might make it as a Hollywood script writer yet!)
The short tale of Farquhar the Phoenix may not have made the cut for ReejecttIIon, but as is the habit of that particular breed of birds, it has now risen from the dead…
FARQUHAR THE PHOENIX
by Harry Whitewolf
“Oi mate! Are you a phoenix?” a spotty adolescent yelled aggressively.
“Er… no,” lied Farquhar the phoenix, as he began to quicken his step down the dark side street and ignore the bunch of youngsters who were striding towards him. “I’m a pigeon,” he said, pulling his coat collar up.
“He is!” said one of the youths. “He’s a phoenix all right!” And they began to circle Farquhar.
“Oh, won’t you just leave me alone?” Farquhar shouted. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for an old bird like me to survive in such a depressingly divisive and aggravating modern world of bigotry?”
As Farquhar said those words, one of the kids lunged forwards with a rather large knife. He stuck it deep into Farquhar’s jugular and blood cartoonly spluttered out, as the other kids all jeered and cheered their mate on. The phoenix instantly died and dispersed into ash before WHOOSH! – great flames quickly rose up and Farquhar came back to life; as was the habit of phoenices.
The teenager who had stabbed Farquhar leant in to the last of the flames with a cigarette. “Thanks mate,” he said. “I needed a light.”
“Do you mind?” asked Farquhar, very unhappily. The kids just laughed, shouted and called him names before running off.
“Oh… dear….” sighed Farquhar. “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…” It was the fourth time he’d been killed this week and Farquhar was fed up with it. There would always be some joker who would spot that Farquhar was a phoenix and spontaneously decide to murder him. Just for a laugh. There were plenty of YouTube videos showing Farquhar being shot, kicked, drowned, trampled on, decapitated, exploded… and any number of other ways you can kill a bird. All done to just see the phoenix rise from the dead in flames of glory; for damn entertainment. “Why can’t people just leave me alone?” asked Farquhar. “I’m not some goddamn toy!” He was fed up. Indeed, Farquhar was more than fed up. In fact, he was way past clinical depression. Actually, Farquhar the phoenix was completely suicidal.
*
As Farquhar walked down the street, he lit up a cigarette of his own. Some old woman ambled past saying, “You shouldn’t smoke you know! It’s bad for your health.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” replied Farquhar, before crossing the road and disappearing into the corner shop to buy two bottles of whisky and a twelve pack of beer that would accompany his solitary evening alone in his smelly basement flat. Like every night.
Farquhar had had enough of living. He was stuck. Completely trapped. There was no way out.
So if you ever think you’ve had it bad, remember it could be worse. You could be a suicidal phoenix.
Some ideas just come, and as much as they plead with me to be written, they seem unable to evolve beyond that simple germ of an idea. So it is with this short piece entitled Farquhar the Phoenix, which was rejected from the final edit of the upcoming book ReejecttIIon: A Number Two, the sequel to that marvellous writer and all-round good bloke Daniel Clausen’s Reejecttion – which you can read for absolutely free here:
http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t...
(Hell, if I can write for a sequel when I had nothing to do with the original, I might make it as a Hollywood script writer yet!)
The short tale of Farquhar the Phoenix may not have made the cut for ReejecttIIon, but as is the habit of that particular breed of birds, it has now risen from the dead…
FARQUHAR THE PHOENIX
by Harry Whitewolf
“Oi mate! Are you a phoenix?” a spotty adolescent yelled aggressively.
“Er… no,” lied Farquhar the phoenix, as he began to quicken his step down the dark side street and ignore the bunch of youngsters who were striding towards him. “I’m a pigeon,” he said, pulling his coat collar up.
“He is!” said one of the youths. “He’s a phoenix all right!” And they began to circle Farquhar.
“Oh, won’t you just leave me alone?” Farquhar shouted. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for an old bird like me to survive in such a depressingly divisive and aggravating modern world of bigotry?”
As Farquhar said those words, one of the kids lunged forwards with a rather large knife. He stuck it deep into Farquhar’s jugular and blood cartoonly spluttered out, as the other kids all jeered and cheered their mate on. The phoenix instantly died and dispersed into ash before WHOOSH! – great flames quickly rose up and Farquhar came back to life; as was the habit of phoenices.
The teenager who had stabbed Farquhar leant in to the last of the flames with a cigarette. “Thanks mate,” he said. “I needed a light.”
“Do you mind?” asked Farquhar, very unhappily. The kids just laughed, shouted and called him names before running off.
“Oh… dear….” sighed Farquhar. “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…” It was the fourth time he’d been killed this week and Farquhar was fed up with it. There would always be some joker who would spot that Farquhar was a phoenix and spontaneously decide to murder him. Just for a laugh. There were plenty of YouTube videos showing Farquhar being shot, kicked, drowned, trampled on, decapitated, exploded… and any number of other ways you can kill a bird. All done to just see the phoenix rise from the dead in flames of glory; for damn entertainment. “Why can’t people just leave me alone?” asked Farquhar. “I’m not some goddamn toy!” He was fed up. Indeed, Farquhar was more than fed up. In fact, he was way past clinical depression. Actually, Farquhar the phoenix was completely suicidal.
*
As Farquhar walked down the street, he lit up a cigarette of his own. Some old woman ambled past saying, “You shouldn’t smoke you know! It’s bad for your health.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” replied Farquhar, before crossing the road and disappearing into the corner shop to buy two bottles of whisky and a twelve pack of beer that would accompany his solitary evening alone in his smelly basement flat. Like every night.
Farquhar had had enough of living. He was stuck. Completely trapped. There was no way out.
So if you ever think you’ve had it bad, remember it could be worse. You could be a suicidal phoenix.
Another short story rejected from ReejecttIIon.
Author Daniel Clausen and I are continuing to edit our upcoming book, so it's time for a great guest blog post from Daniel:
Politics Wins! A Story Cut from ReejecttIIon for Political Reasons.
This story just got cut from “ReejecttIIon - A number 2.”
Still, writing about politics has got me in the mood to “stump” for my book. I feel like a good stump speech should be like a nascar race -- lots of drinking and people going around in circles. Thus, I submit this reejectted story for all the middle class Americans who just want politicians to be sensible again -- to solve their problems the way our forefathers did, by sitting on top of monster trucks with javelins and trying to knock each other off or impale each other. It’s like ol’ Frank used to say, you can’t make meatballs without squeezing a bull’s testicles, and wherever you find an omelet, it’s like trying to walk on eggshells.
Well, I’m not a man trying to walk on eggshells. But I do have the courage to squeeze a bull’s ball if it means getting some shit done, especially a fine meatball spaghetti. Which is exactly what this country is about -- making shit! Omelets, meatballs, or synthetic bull’s testicles (none of mine are imported from China!)
What it all comes down to is this -- you should read the first “Reejecttion” book here: http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t... or here: https://www.goodreads.com/reader/5905... -- if you love your country or you have nothing to do with the next hour of your life.
As for the sequel -- “ReejecttIIon - a number 2” for president 2016!
***
The Untimely Demise of Frank Hand
(a political memoir by Frank Hand’s Mustache)
Long after the mustache had gone out of fashion, he had a big, thick, dirty one.
Legend had it that his mustache was cloned from hair plucked from Tom Selleck’s mustache which had been genetically modified to give off the impression of ruggedness.
He wore T-shirts and jeans. He prefaced everything with, “I don’t want to make a political statement, but...”
He made jokes that weren’t quite jokes. And he talked with an accent that made him sound slightly Mexican. But he wasn’t Mexican. Not one bit.
He was dirty. None of his advisers knew how he got that coat of dirt. His critics claimed that he would coat himself with special dirt imported from the Egyptian desert. They also claimed that he was an East Coast liberal that had been coached to act the way he did by a Berkeley-educated anthropologist.
Frank Hand, when accused of these things by a conservative radio host, stroked his mustache and said, “The East Coast. I have a cousin up there who wants to get into the radio business. You oughta help a feller out.”
Not sure what Frank was talking about, the radio host stopped in his tracks a full five seconds. Five seconds of dead air. Legend has it that the radio host’s head exploded right there on the spot.
Legend also has it that when Frank Hand saw the mess of the exploded head, he said, “Somebody oughta do something about that.”
Confused about how to handle Frank Hand, the conservatives employed two candidates, the smartest conservative they could find, and an oil baron who employed the slogan, “I’ll drill that economy so hard, she’ll scream jobs!”
To which Frank Hand replied, “Sure, you guys are gonna do that, because that’s what you do. But what about the other guys?”
And finally, after ten years in office, when people had a general sense that things were improving for some at least, a new conservative opponent finally said on national television, “Frank Hand is a demon.”
And then, Frank finally made his first political faux pas when he said, not really paying attention to what had been said, “Somebody ought to do something about that.”
That was the end of Frank.
Legend has it his mustache moved on and flourished as a city councilman somewhere in Arkansas.
Politics Wins! A Story Cut from ReejecttIIon for Political Reasons.
This story just got cut from “ReejecttIIon - A number 2.”
Still, writing about politics has got me in the mood to “stump” for my book. I feel like a good stump speech should be like a nascar race -- lots of drinking and people going around in circles. Thus, I submit this reejectted story for all the middle class Americans who just want politicians to be sensible again -- to solve their problems the way our forefathers did, by sitting on top of monster trucks with javelins and trying to knock each other off or impale each other. It’s like ol’ Frank used to say, you can’t make meatballs without squeezing a bull’s testicles, and wherever you find an omelet, it’s like trying to walk on eggshells.
Well, I’m not a man trying to walk on eggshells. But I do have the courage to squeeze a bull’s ball if it means getting some shit done, especially a fine meatball spaghetti. Which is exactly what this country is about -- making shit! Omelets, meatballs, or synthetic bull’s testicles (none of mine are imported from China!)
What it all comes down to is this -- you should read the first “Reejecttion” book here: http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t... or here: https://www.goodreads.com/reader/5905... -- if you love your country or you have nothing to do with the next hour of your life.
As for the sequel -- “ReejecttIIon - a number 2” for president 2016!
***
The Untimely Demise of Frank Hand
(a political memoir by Frank Hand’s Mustache)
Long after the mustache had gone out of fashion, he had a big, thick, dirty one.
Legend had it that his mustache was cloned from hair plucked from Tom Selleck’s mustache which had been genetically modified to give off the impression of ruggedness.
He wore T-shirts and jeans. He prefaced everything with, “I don’t want to make a political statement, but...”
He made jokes that weren’t quite jokes. And he talked with an accent that made him sound slightly Mexican. But he wasn’t Mexican. Not one bit.
He was dirty. None of his advisers knew how he got that coat of dirt. His critics claimed that he would coat himself with special dirt imported from the Egyptian desert. They also claimed that he was an East Coast liberal that had been coached to act the way he did by a Berkeley-educated anthropologist.
Frank Hand, when accused of these things by a conservative radio host, stroked his mustache and said, “The East Coast. I have a cousin up there who wants to get into the radio business. You oughta help a feller out.”
Not sure what Frank was talking about, the radio host stopped in his tracks a full five seconds. Five seconds of dead air. Legend has it that the radio host’s head exploded right there on the spot.
Legend also has it that when Frank Hand saw the mess of the exploded head, he said, “Somebody oughta do something about that.”
Confused about how to handle Frank Hand, the conservatives employed two candidates, the smartest conservative they could find, and an oil baron who employed the slogan, “I’ll drill that economy so hard, she’ll scream jobs!”
To which Frank Hand replied, “Sure, you guys are gonna do that, because that’s what you do. But what about the other guys?”
And finally, after ten years in office, when people had a general sense that things were improving for some at least, a new conservative opponent finally said on national television, “Frank Hand is a demon.”
And then, Frank finally made his first political faux pas when he said, not really paying attention to what had been said, “Somebody ought to do something about that.”
That was the end of Frank.
Legend has it his mustache moved on and flourished as a city councilman somewhere in Arkansas.
ReejecttIIon - OUT NOW!
ReejecttIIon - a number two – my new collaborative book with Daniel Clausen is now available. Woo-hoo! What’s more, it’s free on Kindle for five days: 9th March – 13th March (links below). So rather than poo yourself with excitement, why not grab a copy of A Number Two* instead? (*Toilet tissue not included.)
Here’s the blurb:
By reading ReejecttIIon, it’s likely you’ll discover: colorful short stories, funny flash fiction, hilarious cartoons, riveting reviews, wondrous anagrams and other assorted skits and titbits of under-achieving literary genius.
If you’re lucky, you might come across sci-fi tales about the privatization of words, horror stories about hair and ruminations on indie writing. It’s also possible that you’ll find commentary on the hazards of greedy literary agents and stories about washed up movie directors who receive financial backing from space aliens.
Publisher’s Meekly calls it: “a thought-provoking fable about technological hubris and the hazards of bioengineering.” (*This may or may not be referring to Jurassic Park and not ReejecttIIon.)
Reader’s Indigestion says: “this book quietly stands as one of the most powerful statements of the Civil Rights movement.” (*This may or may not actually refer to To Kill a Mockingbird and not ReejecttIIon.)
But why not read this seriously comical scattergun book and see what you can discover about ReejecttIIon for yourself?
And here are the links you’re surely itching to click on:
Amazon.com:
Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/ReejecttIIon-nu...
Paperback:
http://www.amazon.com/ReejecttIIon-nu...
Amazon.co.uk:
Kindle:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0...
Paperback:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/ReejecttIIon-...
You can also start reading ReejecttIIon here:
https://www.goodreads.com/reader/7516...
Thank you!
The Newleyweds Game Interview
If you missed Daniel Clausen's blog post, you won't know that we've just been interviewed by the lovely Cristel Orrand (author of The Amalgamist which I highly recommend), and it was a pretty fun interview to do, seeing as she got us to play the Newleyweds/Mr and Mrs game, with questions and answers like this:
Q. If Daniel got a book deal for 2M dollars, what would he do?
A. He would celebrate by forming a prog-rock-hillbilly-steampunk-funk-schwang band, with a chimpanzee on bass and Henry Winkler on fiddle, for a one-off performance on top of the Hollywood sign.
You can read the interview here: https://freerreds.wordpress.com/2016/...
And check out our book ReejecttIIon - a number two if you haven't already done so.
Cheers!
Q. If Daniel got a book deal for 2M dollars, what would he do?
A. He would celebrate by forming a prog-rock-hillbilly-steampunk-funk-schwang band, with a chimpanzee on bass and Henry Winkler on fiddle, for a one-off performance on top of the Hollywood sign.
You can read the interview here: https://freerreds.wordpress.com/2016/...
And check out our book ReejecttIIon - a number two if you haven't already done so.
Cheers!
