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“There is a long history of asking African-Americans to endure racism silently; it’s characterized as grace, as strength.” @lesellele (on Twitter).

The grace thing is being over- and mis- used.

When I worked at EVEREVE (the most racist and abusive work environment I’ve ever experienced), the leadership there kept asking me to be gracious.

Melanie Koup (Chief of Stores), Megan Callan (Regional Director), and Megan Tamte (co-CEO) repeatedly placed the grace and patience request on the table.

Once, after a customer hit me in the face and knocked my glasses off my body and onto the floor, I reported it to Megan Fitzgerald, my manager. Her reply? First: “What did you do?”

When my feedback to HR included concern about limited advancement opportunities beyond my position as store manager, Kelly Farrish (Vice President of Talent) replied by saying, “Yes. We hear that a lot…Oh, but Deidra. My goodness! You started as a part-time stylist and now you’re a store manager! You’ve moved up so quickly.”

Megan Tamte once told me, after asking me to be patient while they worked on their diversity issues, “Your dream is not going to come true here.”

And still, “We’re asking for grace. Please be patient.”

I Belong Wherever I Show Up

I belong wherever I show up. I know that to be true. I belong as myself and not as a watered down version of me. 

The other day, Erin reached out to tell me she didn’t like the way I talked about white people. She didn’t like that I was using generalizations. She didn’t think it was fair. I respect her right to feel how she felt. 

Erin and I spent the good part of a day emailing back and forth with her telling me how she didn’t like how I said what I said and me telling her I didn’t appreciate her telling me how to talk about my lived experience. 

In the end, Erin told me (completely unsolicited by me) that, “in the interest of good faith,” I could feel free to share our exchange, but not to use her name.

So. I should not speak generally about white people, but I also cannot speak specifically about her?

People. No. 

I talk about what I want to talk about, the way I want to talk about it. This is my very own space. I write on my very own blog and my very own Instagram feed. You get to decide whether or not to follow along. No one is making you be here. 

Once We Truly See Each Other

Dissent and differing opinions are welcome. Here is the key to that, though: the goal is not to change anyone’s opinion. I am not here to bully you into seeing things my way. I am here to teach you how to see me, just as I am learning how to see you. Once we truly see each other, we can begin to move toward one another.

The goal is to increase our capacity for engaging difference without feeling threatened by differences. The goal is to honor the capacity and desire for growth in each other. 

We are being transformed here, not conforming. It’s a thin and nuanced line we are walking. 

Yes, I get angry. Yes, my feelings get hurt. Yes, I sometimes cry. Or scream. Or disengage. I am human. Aren’t we all?

Grace for Me

When you hear me say I bless your leaving and your staying, you need to understand that the grace I am extending is to myself. The patience I have is for the process. 

I don’t have grace for your fragility or privilege or latent feelings of supremacy. I have understanding. I see it for what it is, even when you do not. I do not have patience for your insistence that I do and say my things in ways that make you more comfortable. I understand why you insist as you do, even when you perceive yourself to be extending grace toward me. You are not.

Inextricably Connected

I recognize we will always be connected to one another. If I am to truly live into the sacredness of the Truth of our eternal connectedness, I must bless your going, without malice in my heart toward you. I do it for myself, and not for you. 

I am not “letting you go” or “releasing you.” I do not claim you, understand? I hold your presence here very lightly, because to do so, for me, is grace.

I believe you will find your way, as I am finding mine. It doesn’t matter if you like me. This work and our living of it is about Love. Love grows and heals and mends and binds, regardless of our enneagram numbers, or astrological signs, or emotional intelligence, or values, or beliefs, or favorite color. We are inextricably connected to each other, forever and always. 

What questions do you have? What emotion/s does this stir up in you? Tell me. 

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