“Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires.”
--Henri Nouwen



I’ve been thinking a lot about desire. I’m sure with this being February you probably expected this love note to be about love. Or exploring self-love again like I did last year.

But I’m going to tell you something, my dear: it’s hard to love your life without playing with the concepts around desire.

Our souls yearn. Our hearts secretly lust. Most of the time, we neglect these deep-seated needs of our souls because what we want doesn’t seem practical or sounds selfish to our critical minds. So, our desires lay fallow in our hearts and continue to be secretly pushed into the back of our minds when they surface. And life shouldn't be or feel that way.

I'm the first to admit that leaning into and playing with desires probably doesn’t come easy.

Many of us have negative childhood associations with desire. From being told “no” for a desire for a cookie to being told that our teenage body’s desire for another human made us a “bad girl” we’re often conditioned away from using desire as what it’s meant to be: a tool for living a life that is of service to us.

And aside from childhood morals and the rights and wrongs, desire for physical things can be viewed through a negative lens of materialism or as a proof that we are narcissistic or selfish. Because longing for something like a designer purse, expensive shoes, or a fancy car seems selfish.

But the truth is, God gave us desires to help us fine-tune our lives. Desire for something can propel us towards our goals – whether it be intimacy, love, or a specific goal. By exploring one single way to go deeper into your own life, you began priming your brain and your soul to think about the possibilities of wanting MORE for your life.



If desire feels like a challenging concept for your life, especially in our current times, let’s begin in small ways.  When it comes to exploring desire for myself or in discussions with clients, I like to begin with the body. As Mary Oliver says in her oft quotes post  Wild Geese:  “You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

Valentine’s Day, of course, brings to mind romance, the longing for intimacy, and of course if we were more straightforward, sex. Yet, as I mentioned, we often can get stuck in the mindset that those are things we shouldn’t want, let alone talk about with anyone.

But if you desire something in the realm of sex or intimacy, I will challenge you to go a little deeper on unraveling what that means for you: is it just sex or is a desire for closeness? Is it feeling good in your body or the way you feel when you’re with another person in an intimate setting?

Listening to your body can be the clue you need to take action or make space for particular activities.

And if you found that a longing for something in the sexual realm when you were younger, but don’t seem to go there now when it comes to your desires, remind yourself of what it accessed for you.

Now, I’m not saying to take sex off the table if that’s what you’re desiring. I’m just saying this is a Yes, AND opportunity to allow your body to help lead your mind towards what desire offers.

Maybe it's about pure pleasure. Or perhaps it's about feeling in touch with your body, a deeper connection to someone else, or powerful in who you are. That's the way to expand desire.

So, to play with desire, brainstorm ways in which you can parlay a particular experience when it comes to your body in small ways – from long showers with a thick, luxuriant delicious smelling shower gel, to getting a pedicure or a massage, to crawling into bed with fresh sheets.

Perhaps you can rediscover a bodily pleasure by moving your body in some for of exercise like walking. And is there anything more pleasurable at times than a good stretch?

When you allow yourself to experience bodily pleasures you desire to feel and experience, taking action bodily gives your mind permission to pursue bigger desires.


“Desire is a teacher: When we immerse ourselves in it without guilt, shame or clinging, it can show us something special about our own minds that allows us to embrace life fully.”
--Mark Epstein

So ask yourself: beyond what you want to experience when it comes to feeling good in your body, play with what you desire to BE, do, have, or experience.

Because playing with desire can invite you to get to the core of the bigger things you want and desire in your life.
Yes, I’m talking about those bigger concepts of how exploring your desires can lead to setting goals that matter to you – heart and soul.

Sometimes the easiest way to explore desires is to think of something you want, set a timer for five minutes, and brainstorm all the little and big things that means to you.

Think about desire as an unraveling. Desire to BE a certain kind of person can help us align actions. Desire to experience pleasure.
Before you begin to explore your desires, please know that NONE of your desires are selfish. 

For example, wanting something physical isn’t wrong. Don’t let this exercise trigger feelings of being greedy if you desire something that might be judged as materialistic. It doesn’t have to feel noble, okay? This is all about exploring the breadcrumbs desire is showing you. Which then allows you to take action.

I'm going to challenge you to choose one thing you desire. And then make the choose to pursue for the next few months.
Write it down as a declaration to breathe life into your desires. And then, take some sort of action towards your desire.

Remember that the smallest steps towards what you want, especially those that give you physical pleasure, gives your mind more permission to keep going.

If you aren't quite sure where to go from here, don't be afraid to go a little deeper.



Maybe your desire is about that kind of esoteric thing, like a feeling.

For example: when I was first self-employed, my first thoughts were “I need lots of clients.” But the truth was I wanted more freedom, a sense of control over my own schedule, and more time at home. The answer wasn’t more clients, but quality clients that desired solid chunks of time instead of an hour here or there.

If you bypassed a desire because it seemed shallow or ignoble, reconsider, okay? Because your feelings aren’t shallow.

Say for example you want to feel sexy; allow yourself to pursue feeling sexy. Ask yourself what would make me feel sexy?

What makes me feel sexy? Nice lingerie, a fresh haircut, getting my nails done, high heels, and my favorite Lucky Berry lipstick.

Perhaps the path to pursuing your desires means you need to get in touch with tiny delights. What makes you “simply happy” throughout the day? For example: Is it walking your dog in the woods in the crisp morning air make you happy? Then, make sure you add a daily walk to your life. Wake up early if necessary.

These delights are breadcrumbs. They'll start to show you the way to the bigger picture desires that you've pushed away for so long! Be patient. Your deeper desires may need some time to trust you to honor them again.



And in the meantime, to strengthen your desire muscles, pursue some sort of small (perhaps bodily) desire as I suggested. Because exercising our desire muscles are like other forms of exercise: sometimes you need to build them up and strengthen them.

If you are ready to pursue a larger goal or bigger desire, start with a single thread and be willing to go deep... And, if you get stuck, ask "Why do I want that?" and then "And what would that give me?"

These deeper answers may surprise you, but these are the answers under the answers: Freedom. Passion. A sense of purpose. Empowerment. Accomplishment. Joy. These are not uncommon answers to this question.

Darling, it’s time to stop denying your desires and bring them into the light. Be honest and allow yourself to long for a secret passion. Dive into how you really want to feel.

If you'd like to read the February 2022 love note in full, you can do so here.

And, if you'd like to receive my Monthly Love Note, sign up here.

Here's to giving yourself permission to follow the threads of desire and allowing those thread to lead you towards deepening your life in meaningful and nourishing ways.