Debra Smouse's Blog - Posts Tagged "john-o-donohue"
August 2021: on Awareness
I saw my first bright yellow school bus this week. I saw the first sunflower, standing out against a field of green. We’re still weeks and weeks away from the first day of Autumn, I’ve noticed the sun is setting just a little earlier each evening....
We're in the season for transitions and new beginnings.
On Wednesday evening, I wrapped a very full day of writing and coaching wonderful people, poured a glass of Rose, and wandered outside with my book. The sun was shining, a soft breeze was blowing and I was overwhelmed with gratitude.
For most of my life, I believed that in order for life to be interesting , then that meant life had to be more downs than ups and fill with all kinds of angst (and other such nonsense). That we had to rush around to prove our worth and relaxing was for those "privileged people".
Well, baby, I'm here to tell you that though life is a glorious adventure, living a daily life you love includes lots of peaceful moment. That, at the end of the day, I don't have to rush around like a crazy person - I can actually relax and enjoy my home, a good book and an excellent glass of wine - sans drama.
I can't tell your how incredible that feels to a once-upon-a-time drama queen. Or, how contrary that is to what I was taught growing up.
I'm living proof that we don't have to follow in path of what we grew up believing. We get to choose our path and alter it to be experience in a way that feels loving and nourishing.
But I mentioned that all around us are signs of shifts. Even for folks who don’t have kids, August is one of those transitional months where we get that “back to school” energy.
It’s a restart, the edges of the fall, the longing to complete a 2021 goal, and looking to the new year.
Though the new year doesn't arrive for four and a half more months, we've shifted into Next Year Thinking at our house.
JB's work uses a fiscal year calendar that begins October 1st, and their class - and travel - schedules are beginning to emerge. (Though, of course, we don't know about the travel portion).
So during my morning porch time, when I sit with my coffee and journal, I'm pondering what's on the horizon while savoring the goodness in my present.
It’s also when I begin not just my personal planning and household planning around his work commitments, I’m pondering what business goals I want to set…and frankly, what areas of my business need to shift. And what needs to change about ME so that I can better tend all the areas of my life?
Here's what I'm pondering lately:
--Is the blog still a good use of my time? Do people even read blogs in 2021?
--Is it time to rework my coaching packages? Though I have always loved working long term with clients which allows us to go deeper and deeper into their desires and growth, I would be lying if I didn’t admit how much I love doing strategy sessions with folks. You know, where someone presents a problem or challenge and we brainstorm all the ways to address it. And then create a plan. That’s super fun – and useful.
--I’m thinking a lot about my creative time. Is it time to finally finish that book that’s 90% complete so I can release it into the world? Or should I create – or revamp – some of my courses and breath new life into them?
--Social media is often on my mind when it comes to my professional life….as a coach and writer, is social media a good use of my time? Or is it all just noise anymore?
--And while we're thinking about social media, I'm wondering if it's good for me when it comes to my own mental health...
--How can I better tend my home without using it as an excuse not to write?
--What have I always wanted to do but held back from? Where are my own excuses getting in the way of loving myself and my life more?
--And, frankly, I’m thinking a lot about the future. Though I’m looking at the last four months or 2021 and ahead to 2022…I am also imagining a life where JB is retired and I am finding a balance of enjoying my time with him and doing a little work…
I share all the things I'm pondering because we're friends here. And pulling back the curtain on my process invites you to begin thinking about yourself and your life. Because while this can seem like minutia and a bit of naval gazing, it's about being open to possibility and digging into what I desire for the big picture of my life as well as the rhythm of my daily life.
All of this thinking and pondering is really about awareness.
When it comes to living a life you love, one of the first pieces of advice I give is to dive into your own self-awareness. Yes, even though it not always easy to look in the mirror and see who we are, warts and all. You may be asking why awareness, then, is worth the trouble. That’s because without awareness, you are cutting yourself off from the very tools you need to, not just pursue your desires, but enhance the quality of your everyday experiences
Self-awareness is the ability to observe ourselves – why we react and how we behave – and not only accept what we discover, but make informed decisions about the changes we want to make.
Awareness is also the ability to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses and strengths, as well as our thoughts, motivations, and emotions.
Awareness often done through a personal inquiry process: asking yourself good questions and getting nakedly and brutally honest about your real answers. And trust me, even if you're not much of a journal keeper, it is so helpful to do this on paper. To ask yourself good questions, record your answers, and then ask yourself "Why?" and "And what would that give you?" several times until you get to your deeper truth.
Because you don’t know what you don’t know, even about yourself. This is something that I believe is critical work - especially right now.
Because even if you've done a ton of personal growth work in the past, not one of us is the same person we were before March 2020. It's just not possible to experience - or witness - so much chaos and worry and stress without it changing you.
The beauty of awareness is that it allows us to make better choices and curate a lifestyle that makes us feel engaged and alive.
Remember when we talked in June about idleness? From the outside, awareness can look an awful lot like idleness. And making the decision to dig in means that you may look idle on the outside....and your actual productivity for getting things done - such as laundry, errands, chores, and work that produces something tangible - is going to languish.
For me, personally, this means that less consumable content can be created because all my energy is going towards digging in. Because when you are asking yourself the harder questions around what you need and desire? All that brain work takes energy, time, and bandwidth.
As a still-reforming perfectionist, I often get into my head the idea that I should be able to do EVERYTHING. I am wired as a "J", which means I tend to see a lot of black and white in the world as my norm. It's sometimes hard to remember that I can't always BE and DO everything. To leave behind the idea that I should be able to do more work in a single day - coach more people, get more words on a page, not need quiet, not need company, and certainly never battle resistance.
So, darling, when you're choosing to live in the question and go deeper for your answers, be patient with the lack of exterior results. Because it's frustrating to reach the end of a day - or week - when you've done so much exhausting, inner work....but have nothing "productive" to show for it.
This is why I’m often asked if self-awareness is worth the trouble. Because there’s the shadow side of it.
This shadow side can make us angry or sad at our past choices, and can send us spiraling down the rabbit hole of the so-called “bad” emotions. And how can I forget the Inner Critic’s ability to become oh so judgmental when we play with being more aware of ourselves as our ally.
Let’s be honest, sometimes too much self-awareness can be downright exhausting. And no one enjoys digging into painful, old wounds and stories.
Yet, awareness, while sometimes a bit painful, is actually quite freeing. If we can pair the awareness with kindness towards ourselves, it gives us a great opportunity to step into our own greatness. To allow what could be seen as flaws or cracks in our perfect facades to burst open so that the light from our souls can shine.
Even when we deal with the painful side of awareness, it invites us to dream and go more deeply into our desires and wishes. Because, as my old pal Cinderella would say "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes".
It's the most beautiful part of my work as a coach. To finally understand that when we step into our own awareness that life only gets sweeter. That we aren't made to be perfect. That our cracks don't indicate brokenness, but the ways in which we've been touched by the world and our existence in it.
Awareness is always worth the trouble. That’s because, without taking the time to observe how we feel about what we’re doing, seeing, or experiencing, it’s impossible to feel fully engaged. Or, as I have to remind myself regularly: when you plant new seeds, the first thing to come up is dirt. Yet, before anything can bloom, working through the dirt is necessary.
If you'd like to read the August 2021 love note in full, you can do so here.
And, if you'd like to receive my Monthly Love Note, sign up here. You'll also receive my BRAND NEW free E-Book - Create a Life You Love:
Standards Help Curate Delightful Days
That’s my wish and hope for you this month. That you find loving, gentle ways to deepen your own self-awareness. To dig more deeply into what you desire, what you need, and how you can make it happen.
For when you do, you're sure to recognize it as an opportunity to look around you and really love yourself and your life even more.
We're in the season for transitions and new beginnings.
On Wednesday evening, I wrapped a very full day of writing and coaching wonderful people, poured a glass of Rose, and wandered outside with my book. The sun was shining, a soft breeze was blowing and I was overwhelmed with gratitude.
For most of my life, I believed that in order for life to be interesting , then that meant life had to be more downs than ups and fill with all kinds of angst (and other such nonsense). That we had to rush around to prove our worth and relaxing was for those "privileged people".
Well, baby, I'm here to tell you that though life is a glorious adventure, living a daily life you love includes lots of peaceful moment. That, at the end of the day, I don't have to rush around like a crazy person - I can actually relax and enjoy my home, a good book and an excellent glass of wine - sans drama.
I can't tell your how incredible that feels to a once-upon-a-time drama queen. Or, how contrary that is to what I was taught growing up.
I'm living proof that we don't have to follow in path of what we grew up believing. We get to choose our path and alter it to be experience in a way that feels loving and nourishing.
But I mentioned that all around us are signs of shifts. Even for folks who don’t have kids, August is one of those transitional months where we get that “back to school” energy.
It’s a restart, the edges of the fall, the longing to complete a 2021 goal, and looking to the new year.
Though the new year doesn't arrive for four and a half more months, we've shifted into Next Year Thinking at our house.
JB's work uses a fiscal year calendar that begins October 1st, and their class - and travel - schedules are beginning to emerge. (Though, of course, we don't know about the travel portion).
So during my morning porch time, when I sit with my coffee and journal, I'm pondering what's on the horizon while savoring the goodness in my present.
It’s also when I begin not just my personal planning and household planning around his work commitments, I’m pondering what business goals I want to set…and frankly, what areas of my business need to shift. And what needs to change about ME so that I can better tend all the areas of my life?
Here's what I'm pondering lately:
--Is the blog still a good use of my time? Do people even read blogs in 2021?
--Is it time to rework my coaching packages? Though I have always loved working long term with clients which allows us to go deeper and deeper into their desires and growth, I would be lying if I didn’t admit how much I love doing strategy sessions with folks. You know, where someone presents a problem or challenge and we brainstorm all the ways to address it. And then create a plan. That’s super fun – and useful.
--I’m thinking a lot about my creative time. Is it time to finally finish that book that’s 90% complete so I can release it into the world? Or should I create – or revamp – some of my courses and breath new life into them?
--Social media is often on my mind when it comes to my professional life….as a coach and writer, is social media a good use of my time? Or is it all just noise anymore?
--And while we're thinking about social media, I'm wondering if it's good for me when it comes to my own mental health...
--How can I better tend my home without using it as an excuse not to write?
--What have I always wanted to do but held back from? Where are my own excuses getting in the way of loving myself and my life more?
--And, frankly, I’m thinking a lot about the future. Though I’m looking at the last four months or 2021 and ahead to 2022…I am also imagining a life where JB is retired and I am finding a balance of enjoying my time with him and doing a little work…
I share all the things I'm pondering because we're friends here. And pulling back the curtain on my process invites you to begin thinking about yourself and your life. Because while this can seem like minutia and a bit of naval gazing, it's about being open to possibility and digging into what I desire for the big picture of my life as well as the rhythm of my daily life.
All of this thinking and pondering is really about awareness.
When it comes to living a life you love, one of the first pieces of advice I give is to dive into your own self-awareness. Yes, even though it not always easy to look in the mirror and see who we are, warts and all. You may be asking why awareness, then, is worth the trouble. That’s because without awareness, you are cutting yourself off from the very tools you need to, not just pursue your desires, but enhance the quality of your everyday experiences
Self-awareness is the ability to observe ourselves – why we react and how we behave – and not only accept what we discover, but make informed decisions about the changes we want to make.
Awareness is also the ability to be honest with ourselves about our weaknesses and strengths, as well as our thoughts, motivations, and emotions.
Awareness often done through a personal inquiry process: asking yourself good questions and getting nakedly and brutally honest about your real answers. And trust me, even if you're not much of a journal keeper, it is so helpful to do this on paper. To ask yourself good questions, record your answers, and then ask yourself "Why?" and "And what would that give you?" several times until you get to your deeper truth.
Because you don’t know what you don’t know, even about yourself. This is something that I believe is critical work - especially right now.
Because even if you've done a ton of personal growth work in the past, not one of us is the same person we were before March 2020. It's just not possible to experience - or witness - so much chaos and worry and stress without it changing you.
The beauty of awareness is that it allows us to make better choices and curate a lifestyle that makes us feel engaged and alive.
Remember when we talked in June about idleness? From the outside, awareness can look an awful lot like idleness. And making the decision to dig in means that you may look idle on the outside....and your actual productivity for getting things done - such as laundry, errands, chores, and work that produces something tangible - is going to languish.
For me, personally, this means that less consumable content can be created because all my energy is going towards digging in. Because when you are asking yourself the harder questions around what you need and desire? All that brain work takes energy, time, and bandwidth.
As a still-reforming perfectionist, I often get into my head the idea that I should be able to do EVERYTHING. I am wired as a "J", which means I tend to see a lot of black and white in the world as my norm. It's sometimes hard to remember that I can't always BE and DO everything. To leave behind the idea that I should be able to do more work in a single day - coach more people, get more words on a page, not need quiet, not need company, and certainly never battle resistance.
So, darling, when you're choosing to live in the question and go deeper for your answers, be patient with the lack of exterior results. Because it's frustrating to reach the end of a day - or week - when you've done so much exhausting, inner work....but have nothing "productive" to show for it.
This is why I’m often asked if self-awareness is worth the trouble. Because there’s the shadow side of it.
This shadow side can make us angry or sad at our past choices, and can send us spiraling down the rabbit hole of the so-called “bad” emotions. And how can I forget the Inner Critic’s ability to become oh so judgmental when we play with being more aware of ourselves as our ally.
Let’s be honest, sometimes too much self-awareness can be downright exhausting. And no one enjoys digging into painful, old wounds and stories.
Yet, awareness, while sometimes a bit painful, is actually quite freeing. If we can pair the awareness with kindness towards ourselves, it gives us a great opportunity to step into our own greatness. To allow what could be seen as flaws or cracks in our perfect facades to burst open so that the light from our souls can shine.
Even when we deal with the painful side of awareness, it invites us to dream and go more deeply into our desires and wishes. Because, as my old pal Cinderella would say "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes".
It's the most beautiful part of my work as a coach. To finally understand that when we step into our own awareness that life only gets sweeter. That we aren't made to be perfect. That our cracks don't indicate brokenness, but the ways in which we've been touched by the world and our existence in it.
Awareness is always worth the trouble. That’s because, without taking the time to observe how we feel about what we’re doing, seeing, or experiencing, it’s impossible to feel fully engaged. Or, as I have to remind myself regularly: when you plant new seeds, the first thing to come up is dirt. Yet, before anything can bloom, working through the dirt is necessary.
If you'd like to read the August 2021 love note in full, you can do so here.
And, if you'd like to receive my Monthly Love Note, sign up here. You'll also receive my BRAND NEW free E-Book - Create a Life You Love:
Standards Help Curate Delightful Days
That’s my wish and hope for you this month. That you find loving, gentle ways to deepen your own self-awareness. To dig more deeply into what you desire, what you need, and how you can make it happen.
For when you do, you're sure to recognize it as an opportunity to look around you and really love yourself and your life even more.
February 2022: on Desire
“Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires.”
--Henri Nouwen
I’ve been thinking a lot about desire. I’m sure with this being February you probably expected this love note to be about love. Or exploring self-love again like I did last year.
But I’m going to tell you something, my dear: it’s hard to love your life without playing with the concepts around desire.
Our souls yearn. Our hearts secretly lust. Most of the time, we neglect these deep-seated needs of our souls because what we want doesn’t seem practical or sounds selfish to our critical minds. So, our desires lay fallow in our hearts and continue to be secretly pushed into the back of our minds when they surface. And life shouldn't be or feel that way.
I'm the first to admit that leaning into and playing with desires probably doesn’t come easy.
Many of us have negative childhood associations with desire. From being told “no” for a desire for a cookie to being told that our teenage body’s desire for another human made us a “bad girl” we’re often conditioned away from using desire as what it’s meant to be: a tool for living a life that is of service to us.
And aside from childhood morals and the rights and wrongs, desire for physical things can be viewed through a negative lens of materialism or as a proof that we are narcissistic or selfish. Because longing for something like a designer purse, expensive shoes, or a fancy car seems selfish.
But the truth is, God gave us desires to help us fine-tune our lives. Desire for something can propel us towards our goals – whether it be intimacy, love, or a specific goal. By exploring one single way to go deeper into your own life, you began priming your brain and your soul to think about the possibilities of wanting MORE for your life.
If desire feels like a challenging concept for your life, especially in our current times, let’s begin in small ways. When it comes to exploring desire for myself or in discussions with clients, I like to begin with the body. As Mary Oliver says in her oft quotes post Wild Geese: “You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Valentine’s Day, of course, brings to mind romance, the longing for intimacy, and of course if we were more straightforward, sex. Yet, as I mentioned, we often can get stuck in the mindset that those are things we shouldn’t want, let alone talk about with anyone.
But if you desire something in the realm of sex or intimacy, I will challenge you to go a little deeper on unraveling what that means for you: is it just sex or is a desire for closeness? Is it feeling good in your body or the way you feel when you’re with another person in an intimate setting?
Listening to your body can be the clue you need to take action or make space for particular activities.
And if you found that a longing for something in the sexual realm when you were younger, but don’t seem to go there now when it comes to your desires, remind yourself of what it accessed for you.
Now, I’m not saying to take sex off the table if that’s what you’re desiring. I’m just saying this is a Yes, AND opportunity to allow your body to help lead your mind towards what desire offers.
Maybe it's about pure pleasure. Or perhaps it's about feeling in touch with your body, a deeper connection to someone else, or powerful in who you are. That's the way to expand desire.
So, to play with desire, brainstorm ways in which you can parlay a particular experience when it comes to your body in small ways – from long showers with a thick, luxuriant delicious smelling shower gel, to getting a pedicure or a massage, to crawling into bed with fresh sheets.
Perhaps you can rediscover a bodily pleasure by moving your body in some for of exercise like walking. And is there anything more pleasurable at times than a good stretch?
When you allow yourself to experience bodily pleasures you desire to feel and experience, taking action bodily gives your mind permission to pursue bigger desires.
“Desire is a teacher: When we immerse ourselves in it without guilt, shame or clinging, it can show us something special about our own minds that allows us to embrace life fully.”
--Mark Epstein
So ask yourself: beyond what you want to experience when it comes to feeling good in your body, play with what you desire to BE, do, have, or experience.
Because playing with desire can invite you to get to the core of the bigger things you want and desire in your life.
Yes, I’m talking about those bigger concepts of how exploring your desires can lead to setting goals that matter to you – heart and soul.
Sometimes the easiest way to explore desires is to think of something you want, set a timer for five minutes, and brainstorm all the little and big things that means to you.
Think about desire as an unraveling. Desire to BE a certain kind of person can help us align actions. Desire to experience pleasure.
Before you begin to explore your desires, please know that NONE of your desires are selfish.
For example, wanting something physical isn’t wrong. Don’t let this exercise trigger feelings of being greedy if you desire something that might be judged as materialistic. It doesn’t have to feel noble, okay? This is all about exploring the breadcrumbs desire is showing you. Which then allows you to take action.
I'm going to challenge you to choose one thing you desire. And then make the choose to pursue for the next few months.
Write it down as a declaration to breathe life into your desires. And then, take some sort of action towards your desire.
Remember that the smallest steps towards what you want, especially those that give you physical pleasure, gives your mind more permission to keep going.
If you aren't quite sure where to go from here, don't be afraid to go a little deeper.
Maybe your desire is about that kind of esoteric thing, like a feeling.
For example: when I was first self-employed, my first thoughts were “I need lots of clients.” But the truth was I wanted more freedom, a sense of control over my own schedule, and more time at home. The answer wasn’t more clients, but quality clients that desired solid chunks of time instead of an hour here or there.
If you bypassed a desire because it seemed shallow or ignoble, reconsider, okay? Because your feelings aren’t shallow.
Say for example you want to feel sexy; allow yourself to pursue feeling sexy. Ask yourself what would make me feel sexy?
What makes me feel sexy? Nice lingerie, a fresh haircut, getting my nails done, high heels, and my favorite Lucky Berry lipstick.
Perhaps the path to pursuing your desires means you need to get in touch with tiny delights. What makes you “simply happy” throughout the day? For example: Is it walking your dog in the woods in the crisp morning air make you happy? Then, make sure you add a daily walk to your life. Wake up early if necessary.
These delights are breadcrumbs. They'll start to show you the way to the bigger picture desires that you've pushed away for so long! Be patient. Your deeper desires may need some time to trust you to honor them again.
And in the meantime, to strengthen your desire muscles, pursue some sort of small (perhaps bodily) desire as I suggested. Because exercising our desire muscles are like other forms of exercise: sometimes you need to build them up and strengthen them.
If you are ready to pursue a larger goal or bigger desire, start with a single thread and be willing to go deep... And, if you get stuck, ask "Why do I want that?" and then "And what would that give me?"
These deeper answers may surprise you, but these are the answers under the answers: Freedom. Passion. A sense of purpose. Empowerment. Accomplishment. Joy. These are not uncommon answers to this question.
Darling, it’s time to stop denying your desires and bring them into the light. Be honest and allow yourself to long for a secret passion. Dive into how you really want to feel.
If you'd like to read the February 2022 love note in full, you can do so here.
And, if you'd like to receive my Monthly Love Note, sign up here.
Here's to giving yourself permission to follow the threads of desire and allowing those thread to lead you towards deepening your life in meaningful and nourishing ways.
--Henri Nouwen
I’ve been thinking a lot about desire. I’m sure with this being February you probably expected this love note to be about love. Or exploring self-love again like I did last year.
But I’m going to tell you something, my dear: it’s hard to love your life without playing with the concepts around desire.
Our souls yearn. Our hearts secretly lust. Most of the time, we neglect these deep-seated needs of our souls because what we want doesn’t seem practical or sounds selfish to our critical minds. So, our desires lay fallow in our hearts and continue to be secretly pushed into the back of our minds when they surface. And life shouldn't be or feel that way.
I'm the first to admit that leaning into and playing with desires probably doesn’t come easy.
Many of us have negative childhood associations with desire. From being told “no” for a desire for a cookie to being told that our teenage body’s desire for another human made us a “bad girl” we’re often conditioned away from using desire as what it’s meant to be: a tool for living a life that is of service to us.
And aside from childhood morals and the rights and wrongs, desire for physical things can be viewed through a negative lens of materialism or as a proof that we are narcissistic or selfish. Because longing for something like a designer purse, expensive shoes, or a fancy car seems selfish.
But the truth is, God gave us desires to help us fine-tune our lives. Desire for something can propel us towards our goals – whether it be intimacy, love, or a specific goal. By exploring one single way to go deeper into your own life, you began priming your brain and your soul to think about the possibilities of wanting MORE for your life.
If desire feels like a challenging concept for your life, especially in our current times, let’s begin in small ways. When it comes to exploring desire for myself or in discussions with clients, I like to begin with the body. As Mary Oliver says in her oft quotes post Wild Geese: “You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Valentine’s Day, of course, brings to mind romance, the longing for intimacy, and of course if we were more straightforward, sex. Yet, as I mentioned, we often can get stuck in the mindset that those are things we shouldn’t want, let alone talk about with anyone.
But if you desire something in the realm of sex or intimacy, I will challenge you to go a little deeper on unraveling what that means for you: is it just sex or is a desire for closeness? Is it feeling good in your body or the way you feel when you’re with another person in an intimate setting?
Listening to your body can be the clue you need to take action or make space for particular activities.
And if you found that a longing for something in the sexual realm when you were younger, but don’t seem to go there now when it comes to your desires, remind yourself of what it accessed for you.
Now, I’m not saying to take sex off the table if that’s what you’re desiring. I’m just saying this is a Yes, AND opportunity to allow your body to help lead your mind towards what desire offers.
Maybe it's about pure pleasure. Or perhaps it's about feeling in touch with your body, a deeper connection to someone else, or powerful in who you are. That's the way to expand desire.
So, to play with desire, brainstorm ways in which you can parlay a particular experience when it comes to your body in small ways – from long showers with a thick, luxuriant delicious smelling shower gel, to getting a pedicure or a massage, to crawling into bed with fresh sheets.
Perhaps you can rediscover a bodily pleasure by moving your body in some for of exercise like walking. And is there anything more pleasurable at times than a good stretch?
When you allow yourself to experience bodily pleasures you desire to feel and experience, taking action bodily gives your mind permission to pursue bigger desires.
“Desire is a teacher: When we immerse ourselves in it without guilt, shame or clinging, it can show us something special about our own minds that allows us to embrace life fully.”
--Mark Epstein
So ask yourself: beyond what you want to experience when it comes to feeling good in your body, play with what you desire to BE, do, have, or experience.
Because playing with desire can invite you to get to the core of the bigger things you want and desire in your life.
Yes, I’m talking about those bigger concepts of how exploring your desires can lead to setting goals that matter to you – heart and soul.
Sometimes the easiest way to explore desires is to think of something you want, set a timer for five minutes, and brainstorm all the little and big things that means to you.
Think about desire as an unraveling. Desire to BE a certain kind of person can help us align actions. Desire to experience pleasure.
Before you begin to explore your desires, please know that NONE of your desires are selfish.
For example, wanting something physical isn’t wrong. Don’t let this exercise trigger feelings of being greedy if you desire something that might be judged as materialistic. It doesn’t have to feel noble, okay? This is all about exploring the breadcrumbs desire is showing you. Which then allows you to take action.
I'm going to challenge you to choose one thing you desire. And then make the choose to pursue for the next few months.
Write it down as a declaration to breathe life into your desires. And then, take some sort of action towards your desire.
Remember that the smallest steps towards what you want, especially those that give you physical pleasure, gives your mind more permission to keep going.
If you aren't quite sure where to go from here, don't be afraid to go a little deeper.
Maybe your desire is about that kind of esoteric thing, like a feeling.
For example: when I was first self-employed, my first thoughts were “I need lots of clients.” But the truth was I wanted more freedom, a sense of control over my own schedule, and more time at home. The answer wasn’t more clients, but quality clients that desired solid chunks of time instead of an hour here or there.
If you bypassed a desire because it seemed shallow or ignoble, reconsider, okay? Because your feelings aren’t shallow.
Say for example you want to feel sexy; allow yourself to pursue feeling sexy. Ask yourself what would make me feel sexy?
What makes me feel sexy? Nice lingerie, a fresh haircut, getting my nails done, high heels, and my favorite Lucky Berry lipstick.
Perhaps the path to pursuing your desires means you need to get in touch with tiny delights. What makes you “simply happy” throughout the day? For example: Is it walking your dog in the woods in the crisp morning air make you happy? Then, make sure you add a daily walk to your life. Wake up early if necessary.
These delights are breadcrumbs. They'll start to show you the way to the bigger picture desires that you've pushed away for so long! Be patient. Your deeper desires may need some time to trust you to honor them again.
And in the meantime, to strengthen your desire muscles, pursue some sort of small (perhaps bodily) desire as I suggested. Because exercising our desire muscles are like other forms of exercise: sometimes you need to build them up and strengthen them.
If you are ready to pursue a larger goal or bigger desire, start with a single thread and be willing to go deep... And, if you get stuck, ask "Why do I want that?" and then "And what would that give me?"
These deeper answers may surprise you, but these are the answers under the answers: Freedom. Passion. A sense of purpose. Empowerment. Accomplishment. Joy. These are not uncommon answers to this question.
Darling, it’s time to stop denying your desires and bring them into the light. Be honest and allow yourself to long for a secret passion. Dive into how you really want to feel.
If you'd like to read the February 2022 love note in full, you can do so here.
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Here's to giving yourself permission to follow the threads of desire and allowing those thread to lead you towards deepening your life in meaningful and nourishing ways.
