My daughter got three shots at her recent doctor’s appointment. That morning, she was scared. I asked her before we left if she wanted to bring something for comfort (lollipop, stuffed animal, etc.). She said, “You.” All she wanted for comfort was her mom. When the nurse pulled out the needle, she asked me to sit next to her and hold her hand. She got the shots and said, “That’s it?” We all laughed and the color returned to her face and she smiled for the first time that day.  

Me.  

All she needed was me.

As a therapist, I had been really tempted to give her strategies to manage her anxiety about the shots—help her rate her stress level on a scale of one to ten or teach relaxation breathing techniques. It’s great to have tools to manage stress and anxiety, but I’m always surprised when I remember that the best tool I can give my loved ones is the comfort of my presence. I should know how well this works. I teach it all day long in couples therapy.

Often, my clients don’t believe me that being able to effectively comfort their partner is the most important connection skill. They push back on this idea. They have never considered themselves as part of the solution other than to offer suggestions. They say things like: “I think they need to stop taking things so seriously,” “They should not let other people’s opinions affect them so much,” or “They should just focus on what they can control, you know?” Yes, I think . . . I do know. But you telling them that is about as helpful as handing them a box of rocks. 

Often, we don’t realize that the most comforting thing we can do is just be close when our partners are struggling. Your partner doesn’t need to be told what to do when they are struggling, they just need to know they aren’t alone in their struggles.

Telling someone what to do is keeping them at arm’s length. “I’ll stand over here and judge your problems and offer you logical solutions.” Being with someone in their struggles is different. It’s leaning in with empathy, compassion, care, and love. It feels good. It helps your spouse not feel alone.  

Why Doesn’t Offering Solutions Work? 

If your partner feels distress and needs comfort and you leap in with judgments and suggestions, you have missed the boat. This miss leaves your partner not only feeling the weight of their struggle, but now they also feel judged and weak. Basically, they brought their distress to you for comfort and ended up feeling worse than just handling it on their own—without you. Then, distance is created and disconnection is inevitable.  

I can see the love driving partners when they offer suggestion after suggestion. I get it . . . it’s so hard to see our partners struggling. At best, we want to help. At worst, we want them to feel better because when our partners aren’t struggling, we feel better ourselves.

What To Do Instead

If you aren’t sure how to comfort your partner without rattling off what you think they should do to tend to their struggles, let me help. Here are some ideas that my clients say they actually do find helpful when they are having a tough time.  

Encouragement—“You can do hard things; I believe in you.”Affection—Hugs, tender touches, snuggles.Reassurance—“We will figure this out together; I’m here.”Understanding—“I get why this is so hard.”Validation—“It would be hard for most people.”Empathy—“I feel sad thinking about this too; I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”Comfort—“Can I make you a hot tea or rub your shoulders?” Time—Giving your partner non-distracted time to talk about their feelings: “I’m here if you want to talk about it. I’ll listen and take as long as you need.”Expressions of care—“I care you are going through this; I wish I could make it better; I’m thinking about you today.”Expressions of love—“I love you.”Checking in—“I was just calling/texting/stopping in to check on you.” 

If you did not receive this type of comfort as a child, it may be foreign to you to give it. It might be something you need to practice with intention. You will be much better served to learn the relational skill of comfort than to focus one more day on solving your partner’s problems. Save your time and energy. Learn this skill instead. 

This skill helps. It helps partners feel close to each other. It helps partners feel secure in this world. It helps partners not feel alone.  

If this is the type of relationship you want with your partner, then do your part to create it.