In 1981 the book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People was initially published. Since that time it has sold over four million copies. I think those sales numbers are proof the title resonated with many people. I would say unequivocally that everyone has had something or multiple things that are bad happen to them. Some of us have had multiple adverse childhood experiences and could have easily allowed ourselves to be defined by the traumatic events.

My premise is there is no question bad things happen. However, I can tell you if you’re reading these words then you have survived! This is the more than subtle shift in perhaps a long healing process. 

Revisiting traumatic events in therapy or even when triggered by some reminder can leave us stuck in a victim mode. Acknowledging we are a victim is one thing, but realizing we are a survivor shifts our minds to the fact we are not helpless or weak. We are strong and capable. No matter what we have been through we have in fact survived and in many cases learned how to thrive.

In recent years there’s been a major shift in bringing to the forefront trauma-informed approaches. Whether that’s in the classroom, in a therapy office, a workplace environment or just about anywhere really. The four R’s of a trauma informed approach are: realize, recognize, respond and resist re-traumatization. I believe we can benefit from self-reflection using a trauma-informed approach.

First, realize the prevalence of the trauma experienced. In other words, what was it and how often did some type of trauma occur. Secondly, recognize signs and symptoms we may be experiencing. Trauma effects mental, physical, and spiritual health. Third, have empathy for us. Be kind and gentle with self-talk. Fourth, and this is important, resist re-traumatization. 

The first step in coping with some type of traumatic event is in the acknowledgement of what happened wasn’t good and it probably has had some kind of effect. Recently I had taken a grief writing course (I lost my mother in September). One of the writing prompts was a reflection on where my grief story started. I came to realize my grief story mirrored my trauma history. It was in this very realization that I was better able to cope in the present. It did have an effect on me, making me a little tired and somewhat foggy. But I was able to bounce back quickly. 

When it comes to realizing things from the past which may have been traumatic, my philosophy has evolved into saying “the past is a place to visit, not to stay.” I realize, then I recognize how that trauma may have impacted me in the present. And then I respond, I take actions to move myself toward a different mindset. 

And above all I resist re-traumatizing myself. I’m very particular of what information I expose my brain to. One example is, I stopped watching much of the news. I realized it was so incredibly negative all the time. I simply didn’t want to be doused in the constant stream of fear inducing information. It’s not to say I’m not aware of what’s happening in the world, it simply means I choose not to focus on the many things I have absolutely no control over. I tend to focus on the things I can control, of which are few.

In my soon to be released book, Unsilenced: A Memoir of Healing from Trauma (You can preorder the Kindle version here) I tell my story of how I faced a great deal of trauma and was re-traumatized by therapy itself. In the past, it really frustrated me to know I sought help and the very help I received made my situation and overall life much worse. Even putting me in a life-threatening position on more than one occasion.

But the truth is I’ve come to realize that what helped me move forward in my life was to constantly check-in with what my thoughts were telling me. If I stayed stuck in the past, angry about clear injustices, and frustrated with an unaccountable mental health system, I would essentially keep re-traumatizing myself. Instead, I shifted my focus on how to take what I have learned and experienced and attempt to help others by shedding light on subjects and topics that inform, educate, and hopefully inspire.

Unfortunately, bad things do happen. But if I’m breathing, I have survived. And since I’ve survived, I can thrive. My mindset allows me to do just that. 

I encourage you to increase your awareness and reflect on your experiences with a focus on the fact that you have survived. Be kind to yourself. Shower yourself with empathy. And know that whatever happened to you, you are not alone!

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