I've Been Dreaming About My Exes Lately...
October 4, 2024 | Issue No. 3
I’ve been dreaming about my exes for the last month. And in my dreams, the worst parts of those relationships have been popping up, night after night, like little clouds of what in the hell were you thinking back then Yasmine?
A few months ago I decided to start keeping track of my dreams. I noticed that they were sharper, more vivid, and that I remembered them with detail like I’d just watched a movie. My dreams have always been this way, off and on, but lately I’ve been going through a deep healing season in my life, and so I felt inspired to record these colorful dreams in a journal for the first time. What I didn’t expect was the ex-file dreams to begin.
Gather with Yasmine Cheyenne is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
There’s two things I’ve noticed each time these dreams occur. The first, is these dreams have resurfaced harsh moments where I would choose others over myself. I’d forgotten how my heart used to not be a priority to me or to those I chose to be in relationships with. In one dream I made excuses for an exes habitual lying. In another dream, I waited by the phone for a text from an ex who was supposed to pick me up and go with me to an important family event, only to receive a very last minute text that he had “something come up” as it would happen in real life. And in another dream, I watched myself devoted to someone who was simply not respectful.
The second thing I noticed about these dreams? I never woke up in panic or feeling like I’d just had a nightmare. So for me, that had to mean that I was subconsciously revisiting these parts of me as a gift. That it was showing up for me to witness, and let go.
Of course it’s easy to focus on the fact that I was dreaming of past folks I’m no longer with, and I could spend the next 12 newsletters analyzing who they were to me, and who they most definitely were not. But that is not where I’ll be putting my energy. I’d rather focus on who I was then, what that version of me needed then, and most importantly what I can give to that old part of me now.
And ultimately, that version of me deserve(d)(s) GRACE.
The same grace that I gave so willingly to every ex, or friend, or person who has straight up wronged me.
The same grace that I needed when I’ve told past stories and used words to describe myself that were harmful.
The same grace that we all deserve when looking at a version of ourselves who was willing to allow ourselves to be ignored, unseen, unloved, disrespected, and unheard.
We usually, or at least I know I have, look at old versions of ourselves and say…
“I was broken”
“I’m so ashamed of who I was back then”
“I could never be her”
“What was I thinking?”
“I was such a fool”
And we just throw these words and phrases around. And I don’t know why we aren’t more careful with our hearts. I don’t know why we don’t think those daggers we aim at ourselves won’t cut just as deeply as if they were coming from outside ourselves. We deserve softness too. And not just when we get it right!
For me, grace can sound like talking to your past self with healing words…
You were so in love that you were willing to wait for them to see you. But, I see you. I’m so glad you stopped waiting when you knew it was time to walk away. That’s the true testament of your heart, of your spirit. Of your knowing.
You really, really wanted everyone else to be wrong about that relationship. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out but, I’m glad you know that you really deserved something better.
I know that your worth was steeped in what others saw in you, and so it wouldn’t have occurred to you that working to change the way they treat you was not your work. You were not childish, you were not stupid, you were never a doormat. What you were was misinformed. What you were, was loving from hope rather than reality. We all learn this lesson in one way or another. This is just life. Not foolishness, not ignorance, just life.
I’m so grateful to revisit a version of myself through a dream world, constructed from a part of my mind that is keeping tabs on where I still need to open my heart and be loved by me.
I wonder for you, where are you needing to open your heart? Where are past versions of you due some grace?
How can you talk about those past versions of you with a sense of care, rather than a desire to discard any remnants of evidence that past you existed?
Here’s to giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. Goodness knows, we’ve given it to everyone else. It’s about time we get it too, don’t you think? xx
______________________________
Moments from the last month that brought me so much joy:
In September, I held two workshops, and they were WONDERFUL! There was laughter, healing, breakthroughs! Y’all - I am so so grateful.
And guess what? Another workshop is happening in DC this November!
Grab your spot because the last workshop sold out quick :). GET YOUR TICKET
I LOVE making things from scratch, I always have. It’s a different kind of slowing down for me. I play music, I’m off my phone, and I’m just in the moment with the food and my family, who often pops in and out of the kitchen as I cook.
This month I very sporadically made some homemade pasta and it was so so so worth it. Even though I find the process pretty simple, because of the time that it takes, it feels special.
I’ve been taking photos on my daily walks, because I’m always amazed at how I can walk past the same space everyday and see it in a new light.
I’m in a space of recognizing how the small things really matter. The small things are actually the big things in our lives, especially the things we over look as normal.
What small things in your life are actually big things?
Lastly, I went to a wonderful event held by birthFUND last month that was beautiful. On any given day, if you ran into me, I’d be in yoga pants, hiking boots, and a t-shirt. But I love style so much and when it’s time to go somewhere, I see clothes as a moment of play.
What’s part of your every day life that feels like play for you?
Okay y’all, this is issue number THREE of this newsletter format, and I’ve gotten so much positive feedback. Thank you for the flexibility. Thank you for the love! I’m still thinking of ways to add to it and make it even more special.
So many new things coming in my world that I’ll share with you soon.
In the meantime, I hope you feel a little more curious, empowered, and hopeful.
I’ll see you in the next newsletter, Nov 4. Chat soon xx
Gather with Yasmine Cheyenne is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
