Shame is not an emotion

Many suggest shame is an emotion that can be experienced like you experience embarrassment or humiliation. It’s not an emotion. Emotions are responses to external stimuli. For example, when we screw up a speech, we feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is an emotion that shame can use to prevent us from ever wanting to give a speech again.

For example, If someone corrects our speech we feel humiliated that we got it wrong or we feel angry that someone found a flaw. These are all emotional reactions to an event that are generated by shame.

Shame generates and uses emotion to get us to act

Using these emotions, shame will then insist we flee, or fight. It will insist we quit in disgrace or find someone to blame. These are all actions that feel normal once shame has convinced us that they (the actions) are in our best interest.

Shame actually generates and uses emotions in us to aid in our psychological survival. So, it is not an emotion, it is a defense mechanism inside each of us. When we feel psychologically vulnerable, it will come to our defense.

A protective defense mechanism

I look at shame like bone marrow. Bone marrow produces white blood cells when the body comes under physical attack from infection. Shame produces emotional defense reactions in us when we feel we are under psychological attack. This can happen when we get corrected or discovered having made a mistake.

In this example, when our boss corrects our work, we feel emotionally attacked and emotionally vulnerable. When that happens, shame jumps into action. This may well happen even though part of our bosses job is to correct our work!

We will feel emotions surge through us like humiliation or rage. Shame will then guide is in how to manage those emotions – it will begin making decisions for us. I could suggest we hide under our desk or lashing out at a coworker we blame for our failure. It could cause us to lash out at our boss and get fired or feel under appreciated and quit.

The hidden defender

Bone marrow is hidden away deep inside the most inner parts of our physical body. So too shame is hidden away in the most inner parts of our mental constructs. Both shame and bone marrow do their work without being instructed to do so. The bone marrow has the body’s best interest in mind. Shame has our psychological survival in mind.

So, it is not an emotion. Emotions are not bad. However, allowing shame to make our decisions for us will almost always result in decisions we will later regret. The key to managing all this is thinking – using our brain

Bone marrow’s job is to keep us protected against illness, however bone marrow does not prevent us from becoming exposed to pathogens or injury. Our brain does that. Our brain tells us to wash our hands and avoid situations where we could get sick. Bone marrow let’s our brain make our decisions for us.

Shame, on the other hand, intends to prevent us from being exposed to psychological harm to begin with. Shame’s desire is to prevent us from being exposed and found vulnerable psychologically. It does this by offering us disguises to wear and places to hide so no one really sees the real us.

Shames desire is to prevent exposure to unpleasant realities

Shame tells us to quit our job or blame our coworker or quit giving speeches – all to prevent the exposure we fear. Shame’s desire is to prevent people from finding out that we are a fundamentally flawed creature. Shame doesn’t want our brain making our decisions for us. It wants to be making the decisions for us that prevent our flaws, shortcomings, and inadequacies from being exposed.

This is why fear (an emotion) of failure and mistakes, keeps so many people immobilized. Shame’s desire is to immobilize us so we don’t make mistakes and become exposed as someone capable of failure. Shame’s fear is that we become exposed not as someone who failed, but someone is IS a failure. Big difference.

Shame is Rooted in self-contempt

As fuel, shame carries a belief that in our flawed condition (which is a normal human condition), we are a disgusting being. Humans make mistakes. Shame says: you ARE a mistake. All this is rooted in self-contempt. Shame’s goal is to prevent people from seeing what it believes is true about ourselves – that we are fundamentally “bad”.

This is the myth we must overcome if we want to overcome shame: just because we’re flawed, doesn’t mean we’re bad. Just because we fail, doesn’t mean we are a failure.

We are creatures that were designed to need each other and need God. We don’t like the idea that we are needy, but we are. So shame helps us militate against a basic human reality. As such, shame is nearly always a harmful actor in our lives because it prevent us from embracing reality. Shame is nearly always harmful even though it presents itself as our helper and friend.

We hate that we are flawed

Herein lies the problem. No one likes the idea that we are flawed. No one likes the idea that we are imperfect creatures. As such, none of us want those imperfections on display. Shame assists us in hiding those flaws. The trouble is, we are all flawed. We are all imperfect. It simply is being part of the human race. So shame is in a battle against our human nature. This won’t end well.

The problem with shame is not shame itself. The problem is what shame produces: emotions and actions based on those emotions that are most likely not in our best interest. As I said, unlike bone marrow that allows our brain to make our decisions about getting our body exposed to danger, shame wants to make those decisions for us.

Shame is The Hidden Driver Behind our Destructive Decisions

The actions shame insists we take are largely unhealthy and not in our best interest, but they will throw people off the track of what we fear most – being discovered as flawed. Ultimately, we fear that when (not if) we are found inadequate, we will be abandoned.

What shame prevents us from doing is hearing criticism. It can prevent us from actually hearing anything as we anticipate that whatever anyone is saying is criticism even though it’s not meant that way. How many of us have misread an email where we think someone is attacking us when that’s not what they were saying at all? That’s shame talking.

When we can’t hear criticism and correct, we can’t learn and grow. We can’t do the fundamental things humans are required to do. It also prevents us from honestly apologizing when we need to. Oddly it can also force us to apologize when we don’t need to. Shame prevents us from learning, growing and realizing we need other people at times – which I realize can be a frightful thing to acknowledge. It can turn us into bashful, fearful wall flowers that take all the blame on themselves or it can turn us into raging narcissists that blame everyone else for everything. It will do whatever it needs to do to prevent our vulnerability and exposure.

How to regain control

Our mission is to recognize when shame is beginning to affect us. Our goal is to sense when an emotion has been released to come to our defense whether that emotion is rage or embarrassment or fear or jealousy. Then, when we sense that emotion wants to start making our decisions for us, we use that moment to assure this hidden driver that we are big boys and girls capable of knowing what’s in our own best interest.

When we have control of shame instead of it controlling us, we can realize that emotions are not bad in and of themselves. We can simply begin to control them in a way that’s consistent with the life we want to live – a life without fear.

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