Recently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on a research deadline. Inside. In the air conditioning.

So, I figured the least I could do was make them a favorite meal for lunch: savory baked cheeseburger pockets. There was just one problem. I was so distracted by the research deadline that I completely forgot the cheese. I had a beautifully baked but tasteless meal to serve my hard-working, sweaty, exhausted guys. As my son stood there with his plate, I found myself not only apologizing but saying, “I’m such an idiot.”

He looked at me funny. After all, I had been all over our kids for years to stamp out that kind of negative self-talk. And here I was doing it myself… right in front of him. Turns out, I wasn’t nearly as attuned to negative self-talk when it was my own!

How about you? If you pay a bill late or your boss points out something that needs correction, are you more likely to say to yourself:

I am always a step behind.I am a total screw-up. I never get things right.I am doing the best I can, especially with everything that’s on my plate right now.

With the last one, you toss a little kindness to yourself. The first ones? Not so much. But being purposefully kind to yourself is an absolutely essential characteristic for a thriving life.

When I set out to study kindness ten years ago, and subsequently wrote The Kindness Challenge, the research eventually quantified how kindness—when directed intentionally toward one person for 30 days—improved that relationship. The data was astounding! Of those who took The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, nearly nine in ten reported that their target relationship improved. This was true for even the most difficult relationships.

Recently my staff director Eileen Kirkland, one of the kindest people I know, pointed out that we usually think about kindness as something we extend to others—being patient with a coworker, showing appreciation to a spouse, or forgiving a friend. Yet we often overlook ourselves. Our self-talk sometimes isn’t so great.

She got our whole staff thinking …

What would it look like to take The 30-Day Kindness Challenge with ourselves as the recipients? What if we started correcting our own running commentary of self-criticism?

It’s an interesting idea—one that frankly holds the power to open up more positivity and hope in our lives. So if you think you might benefit, here are the house rules for a “kindness to yourself” version of The 30-Day Kindness Challenge. You can also refer to the link if you want to see specific, daily ideas (adapting them, of course, for yourself.)

Step 1: Say nothing negative about yourself to yourself or to anyone else.

In the traditional 30-Day Kindness Challenge, let’s say you were taking the challenge with your spouse in mind. This would mean that you say nothing derogatory about your spouse to your spouse or to anyone else about your spouse.

In other words, nix the negative.

So, with yourself in mind, for 30 days:

Don’t mutter ugly self-talk to yourself or think it in your mind. If you slip, rebuke it with truth. (For Bible readers, Psalm 139:13-14 and Isaiah 43:1-4 are great verses to reference and memorize.)Don’t degrade or express irritation about yourself to others.

We say things to ourselves we would never dream of saying to someone else. Imagine how your life might change if you spoke to yourself with the same encouragement you’d offer a friend.

Step 2: Each day, find one thing about yourself to affirm, and tell yourself and someone else.

Anyone who watched Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live in the 1990s (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”), may resist this step as hokey.

It’s not!

Sometimes we just need to stop for a moment, put ourselves in the gentle cycle, and “tell ourselves” what we’re doing right. I especially think of young moms here. It’s so easy (especially with social media lunging everyone else’s “perfect” kids at us) to think we’re falling short.

Let’s resist this temptation to feel defeated by purposefully engaging in self-talk that acknowledges the good things. And if you have someone safe—like a spouse or best friend—who will go on this 30-day journey with you, tell them each day what you come up with.

This could be as simple as:

“I am a patient mom who gives my kids a lot of room to learn from mistakes.”“I handled that meeting at work really well today.”“God has been showing me so much about grace—and I think it’s rubbing off in how I treat my spouse.”Step 3: Each day, do a small act of generosity for yourself

Finally, do one intentional action of self-kindness each day. It doesn’t have to be grand. It could be going for a walk, making a healthy meal, getting enough sleep, or simply reading a chapter in a book. These actions reinforce a vital truth: you are worth caring for.

What fills you? Do more of that. What drains you? Do less of that.

My research into kindness uncovered something unexpected: kindness changes the giver as much as the receiver. In aiming kindness at ourselves, we may find that we soften, heal, and grow. We may reprioritize things. We may become aware of how negative our self-talk is. For those who are made in God’s image (which is all of us), how our self-scorn must hurt God’s heart!

If you’re walking through a tough season—stress, burnout, disappointment—remember: kindness is a superpower. It’s not just for the people around you. It’s for you, too.

Start today. Speak life to yourself. Here are a few truths from scripture that will help:

              I am a child of God (1 John 3:1)

              I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)

              I am God’s workmanship, created for good works (Ephesians 2:10)

If you embark on this unique 30-day journey, please let me know. Comment on this blog post at shaunti.com/blog or drop an email to webcontact@shaunti.com. I’m excited about this different spin on the original Challenge.

What our world needs more of right now is kindness. How cool would it be simply to start with ourselves?

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: How to Be Kind to YourselfRecently, Jeff and our son Luke worked on outside projects all morning in the Atlanta heat, while I worked on… Favorite Podcast Moments– and a Big AnnouncementHi everyone!  This Fourth of July week marks the end of Season 1 of our new podcast I Wish You… What I’m Loving Lately – Summer 2025Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I… A Boy Mom Cracks the Code on Male Behavior with Jenilee Samuel If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the… Fatherhood Goes Viral: Dave Barnes Ponders the Laboratory Called HomeThis week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I… Making Marriage EasierHave you ever wished your marriage was just … easier? No retreating to corners, feeling like roommates, or feeling like…

The post How to Be Kind to Yourself appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.