Relationships are at the core of what it means to be human. They help to define us, shape our personal experiences, and in many ways give meaning to our lives. Whomever they are with, fulfilling relationships can be the foundation for emotional stability and happiness in life. With that said, relationships are a double-edged sword. Even though they can bring immense joy, love, and growth, they can also lead to pain, hurt, and dissatisfaction. This especially happens when they don’t go as hoped.

So many questions come up when thinking about the complexity of relationships. Are they worth the risk of being hurt? Are they really that important? What makes them fulfilling? And why do we struggle with them? When thinking of these questions, one has to wonder about the building blocks of human connection and how our formative experiences shape our understanding of relationships.

Why Relationships Matter 

Human beings are naturally relational. From birth, we seek connection for comfort and survival. This drive is biologically in all of us, dating back to our earliest days when cooperation and community were essential for safety. Over time, these survival-based needs evolved into emotional interdependence. Relationships not only protect us but also give us joy and fulfillment.

The significance of relationships goes beyond just feeling good; they are integral to our mental and physical health. A notable 75-year longitudinal study by Harvard University revealed that the quality of our closest relationships is one of the strongest predictors of both happiness and health throughout life. The findings showed that participants who reported the most satisfaction in their relationships at age 50 were more likely to be healthy at age 80. Strong human connections have protective effects, not just emotionally, but also physically.

Our relationships impact our worldview, shape our personalities, and influence how we engage with life’s challenges. Relationships even serve as mirrors, reflecting parts of ourselves we may not fully understand until we engage with others. It is within the context of relationships that we learn about ourselves. Relationships are where we find clarity in who we are and who we want to become.

But what happens when the very relationships that are supposed to be our anchors in life only give us pain and disappointment? Then that is when we can decide to make fundamental changes, not to get rid of personal relationships, but to grow and change to make them better or to nourish ourselves with healthier connections. How do we change this? By understanding the influence of early relationships.

The Influence of Foundational Relationships 

Our foundational relationships, which are usually with our parents, establish patterns of interactions that we bring into adulthood. A baby who cries and receives soothing comfort from their caregiver learns to expect that their needs will be met. This consistency creates feelings of safety and trust. However, if a baby’s attempts at connection are met with indifference or unpredictability, they may grow to expect inconsistency or rejection from others as they grow older. Early experiences create expectations and perceptions that influence how we understand relationships, not only in childhood but throughout life. These expectations shape how we respond to the people we develop relationships with.

For example, think about your own childhood role within your family. Perhaps you were the “fixer” who tried to resolve arguments, the overachiever working to gain approval, or maybe the peacemaker calming volatile situations? These roles are not isolated behaviors; they were shaped in your childhood and lead to your relational patterns as an adult. If you were the “fixer,” you might find yourself repeatedly taking on others’ emotional burdens in a search for stability and connection, even when that sacrifice comes at the expense of your own autonomy.

The interactional patterns established in early relationships form the blueprint for how we engage with intimacy, friendship, and even professional connections. However, the past does not hold us hostage. With awareness and intention, these patterns can be understood, modified, and reshaped, allowing your relationships to feel more fulfilling instead of draining.

Yet, many people find themselves feeling “stuck” in relational patterns that seem impossible to change. This feeling often arises when we focus solely on what others are doing wrong. For instance, it might feel natural to point to a partner’s lack of communication or a friend’s unreliability as the leading cause of conflict. However, real change begins not by changing someone else’s behavior but by looking at our own behaviors that were shaped by our past.

Bowen’s family systems theory teaches that relationships have a profound impact on our internal state, often shaping how we feel about ourselves and how we respond to emotional challenges. Interestingly, our inner world (our thoughts, emotions, and self-concept) is more influenced by our relationships than the reverse. What does this mean? To improve a relationship, we must focus on changing how we show up within it.

When one person in a relationship makes even a small, sustainable change to their interactions, the relational pattern shifts. Imagine a dance; if one person changes their steps, the other must either adapt or stumble. Relationships cannot remain static when one participant changes their role. Sustained changes to how we communicate, react, or set boundaries can transform even the most challenging relationships.

So, are relationships worth it? Even though they are hard, relationships are worth it because they encourage personal growth. They allow us to develop how we think, feel, and behave in ways no other experience can. We grow into ourselves through relationships, not despite them.

Clients in therapy often express doubts about whether troubled relationships can improve. “Nothing will change,” they say, frustrated with years of repeating the same fight or pattern. But even “stuck” relationships are not stagnant. When one person makes deliberate shifts in behavior—whether communicating differently, setting healthier boundaries, or stepping out of an unhealthy role—the ripple effects of those changes often lead to new patterns of interaction.

Even when relationships feel difficult or stuck, change is possible. With intentional effort and self-awareness, you can improve your relationships—not by changing others, but by redefining how you show up within them. And in doing so, you’ll discover one of life’s most profound truths: that relationships, while complex, are among our most significant sources of growth and fulfillment.