Hey you! Hey you! Hey you get ready get on your feet, get into gear and hit the street!

The gang, barring ubiquitous guest Captain Sensible

Yes, It’s (Internet Column) Number 73! Sandi Toksvig! The Sandwich Quiz! Neil Buchanan! And, more than likely, Captain Sensible. All coming at you from glamorous… wait for it… Maidstone.

Well, I’m afraid there will be no Sandi (aka ‘Ethel’ – ‘Sandi’ was deemed too ‘foreign’ in the 80s. Dark times), sandwiches or sensible captains here, because in reality the only similarity this week’s Column has with Number 73 (apart from its title) is that I, like that seminal 1980s Saturday morning kids extravaganza, fifth or sixth only behind Tiswas, Going Live, SM:TV, Live & Kicking and, maybe, Swap Shop in the great pantheon of Saturday morning kids extravaganzas, am also from Maidstone.

No, this week’s Column is less a Column and more a series of Amazing Huge Announcements.

Move over Brown, there’s a new Dan in town.

Amazing Huge Announcement 1: LAUNCH PARTY

OK, this is effectively only half an announcement as I don’t have all the details, but I can confirm that the launch party for I Am Suicide Man will be held in London on the evening of THURSDAY 18TH JULY. Put that crucial date in your fancy iPhone calendars now.

I have chosen a Thursday because it gives people the chance to recover from a hangover at work rather than wasting one of the miserly two days reserved out of each week to make up our weekend. It’s a trick I learnt from the Danish when I was a teenager. They also used to paint their fingernails after completing each beer/shot so they’d know how much they drank the next morning. A canny race, the Danes.

Please be there, or it’ll be a huge embarrassment for me, having hired the venue etc.

Amazing Huge Announcement 2: RETRO, BABY!

This next announcement is against everything this Column stands for. It’s a Column called ‘Cracking the Kindle’. It’s about trying to become a successful e-author. That’s what I mostly write about here.

Yet, I am nothing if not a pragmatist. And therefore I have mixed feelings in revealing that I Am Suicide Man will also be available as an actual paperback – like we used to have in the noughties.

Pro: You’ll be able to shyly ask me to sign my name in it.

Con: It’ll cost much more than the electronic version.

I am hoping to have these books on sale at the launch. Perhaps there may even be a giveaway, but I’m not promising anything.

Amazing Huge Announcement 3: AND IT’S NOT JUST THE SUICIDE BOOK!

The Flathunter, the greatest novel not brought by the vast majority of people in general last year, will also very shortly be available to buy with real paper pages. For some of you, the last remaining excuse you have not to read this outstandingly mediocre piece of work has now been destroyed.

And finally…

Amazing Huge Announcement 4: THE FLATHUNTER GETS SMASHED

Until very recently, The Flathunter was only available on Amazon. That was the only way it could be bought, and it could only be read on a Kindle or by downloading the Kindle App.

But no more. The Flathunter is now available on Smashwords. This means that if you have a Sony e-reader, a Nook or a Kobo, you can now buy and easily download it to your device. Here is the link to the Smashwords page.

Thank you for reading. If I don’t see you before, see you on THURSDAY 18TH JULY.

This week’s soundtrack: Greatest TV Themes: Kids Favourites (No.73 theme criminally not included).

This week’s e-book recommendation: Legends of Kids TV

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