Dan Trelfer's Blog

I did want to, in the manner of turn-of-the-century R&B mixture Cleopatra, ‘come atcha’ with this Column a little earlier, but unfortunately, or fortunately, I should say, the wholly expected birth of our first child, Leo, somewhat thwarted my attempts to lead a normal life for a while. Not for long, though, I’m already back to doing things I’ve often done in the past, like watch Breaking Bad and laugh at ridiculous Aussie cricketer, Mitchell Johnson.

Awesome

Anyway, some time ago I ran a competition challenging you, my loyal readers, to make up some bizarre stunt you’d be willing to pull in aid of charity. The strangest, or the ones I liked best for whatever reason, would win a copy of I Am Suicide Man, which, as you probably know, is about a man who receives corporate sponsorship to knock himself off.

Anyway, we have two winners for that now – Claire Waldron, who, among other things, expressed a willingness to eat worms, and Singapore-based Dave Benoy, who vowed to grow a moustache for Movember and then dye it in the style of the man with the 24-inch pythons, Hulk ‘The Hulkster’ Hogan.

Well done to both of them. The second competition was much simpler – to be in with a chance of wining, all you had to do was either tweet me that you wanted a book or like a Facebook post that I made. I had more entries to this one – clearly many of you are a little lazy – and below is the official result in the form of a YouTube video, featuring Leo himself drawing the winning ticket from the tombola.

Until next time.

This week’s soundtrack: My Favorite Things – John Coltrane

This week’s e-book recommendation: My Secret History: A Novel – Paul Theroux

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You may remember a couple of weeks ago I revealed that HR guru Bev Mallon was triumphant in the ‘Guess the number of times the word ‘organic’ appears in I Am Suicide Man‘ competition at the book launch (the correct answer, stat nerds, was 123 times). I remarked at the time that Bev had already bought a book, so winning a further copy may be a source of annoyance rather than joy.

This is how many entries I expect to receive (courtesy of State Archives of Florida)

Fury

And indeed, Bev was furious to have won a book she already owned, so we did a deal and Bev will be receiving a paperback of last year’s Sunday Times Bestseller, The Flathunter (recently the subject of a one star review on GoodReads, incidentally, with the words: ‘Setting up ‘fake’ viewings of flats in order to provide material for a book of advice is downright rude; I felt very angry on behalf of the people who had wasted their time and energy ‘entertaining’ the author!’), instead.

Her original prize will now be up for grabs in an online competition for all of you who couldn’t make the launch party – and even for those who came, but didn’t win a book on the night. In fact, as the title of this Column hints at, I’m offering up three free copies of I Am Suicide Man to give away. My generosity has very few bounds.

How You Can Win This Magical Book

As you may know, I Am Suicide Man is, broadly, the story of a man who receives corporate sponsorship to commit suicide, with the money going to a good local cause. The story mushrooms in the media and Suicide Man becomes a grotesque celebrity, appearing on TV and radio shows in a bid to explain himself and plug his sponsor.

So, taking sponsorship as a theme, I’d like you lot to enter this competition by answering the following question:

What unusual activity would you be willing to undertake to raise some money for charity?

One book will be awarded to the person who I deem to have provided the best or most unusual answer. The rest of the entrants will all be put in a hat and two further winners will be randomly selected. I might film this so that there’s no cheating. How about that?

Send your answer to me in any of these ways:

1. Phone me, if you have my number.

2. Text me, if you have my number.

3. Email me: dantrelfer at gmail.com.

4. Tweet me @dantrelfer.

5. Facebook me.

6. Leave your answer in the comment section below.

We’ll let this run for a couple of weeks, shall we?

Good luck everyone!

This week’s soundtrack: You Win Again – The Bee Gees

This week’s e-book recommendation: Playing to Win: How Strategy Really Works

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Courtesy of Sadie Hasler

Thank you very much to everyone who came to the launch of I Am Suicide Man last Thursday evening, and to all those who sent their best wishes for the evening. I think it’s safe to say we all had a very nice time – there was a touch of gravitas, a pinch of stardust, plenty of glamour and lots of humour. Alec Mattinson came too. Ha ha.

Contest Result 1

The evening saw two competitions to win free copies of the book. The first contest required guesswork. A chain of supermarkets called ‘The Organic Way’ is prominent in the book, so I asked people to guess how many times the word ‘organic’ appeared in the story. The actual answer was 123, meaning the extremely nice Matthew Boulter was furthest away with an outrageous estimate of 500.

In the end, Laura Williams’ guess of 118 was defeated by just a single digit by Beverley Mallon’s entry of 127 – which was actually the first guess of the night. So, many congratulations to Bev!

But there is a caveat. Bev also purchased a book on the night, so I’d like to offer her a choice. She can either accept the second book and perhaps gift it to someone else, or she can have a copy of last year’s mediocre-seller, The Flathunter, which, as I probably should have told people, has recently become available in paperback form. If Bev chooses the latter, I will run an online contest for the orphaned copy.

Contest Result 2

The second contest asked people to write down one thing they’d like to do before they boot the bucket. The winner would be based on my totally arbitrary decision of which one I liked best.

It was an extremely tough choice. There was the sneakily flattering: ‘To not commit suicide in a flat at the end of the line in Beijing’ (Dan J); the erotic: ‘Make love to a midget’ (Laurence); the never-ever-likely-to-win: ‘See QPR merge with Chelsea – it makes sense for all parties’ (Tom); the transparent: ‘Attend a Dan Trelfer book launch’ (Bev); and the concise: ‘Opium’ (Greg). Other entries involved masturbation, nudity, singing and parties.

In the end, I decided on the entry from Laura Williams, the best Primary School teacher this side of Miss Honey from Matilda. Laura’s winning entry was: ‘To beat Alec Mattinson in a Super Mega Fifa Tournament.’

Now, to most of you, this likely means next to nothing. I won’t go into too many details, but it involves a prestigious annual computer game tournament run by Robbie Knox. Had someone like Laura’s husband Andy written this, then it would not have won. But Laura spent much of the last few months having to watch Andy train for the tournament before not coming close to winning it, so the idea of ehr turning up next year and defeating the almost unbeatable Mattinson in front of her flabbergasted husband would be something I think we’d all like to see. So that, combined with the fact she only just lost out on the first contest, means Laura is the winner.

Thank you

Thanks again for everyone’s support and for making the Launch another great night. Don’t forget, if you have not bought or did not win a book, they are available now – £2 for e-books, £7.99 for paperbacks. Reviews also always gratefully received.

This week’s book recommendation: Same as last week – I Am Suicide Man: The Truth Behind the ‘Cash for Suicide’ Scandal

This week’s soundtrack: Organic – Groove Matrix

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Well, Book Launch is just about upon us my friends. It’s taken me many years to reach this stage with this particular book; it’s been a path fraught with rewrites and self-doubts and rejections. But finally, I Am Suicide Man: The Truth Behind the ‘Cash for Suicide’ Scandal is now officially on sale as both an e-book and a paperback.

As if you needed any more encouragement to buy my book, below is the trailer. It’s really a foretaste of what you’ll see in the cinema in a year or two once Thomas Vinterberg options the book. Thanks to the generous Robbie Knox, the brilliant Bev Knox, the wonderful Sadie Hasler and the lovely Carmen, for their help, advice and/or expertise in this little enterprise.

I should warn you that it’s much better to watch the trailer here. The videos in the right hand column on YouTube look fairly horrific. That’s what happens when you put ‘suicide’ in the title.

Mouth-Watering Launch Party Minutiae

Book Launch!

If you haven’t been paying attention over the last three weeks or so, the Launch Party is this Thursday, 18th July from 7pm, upstairs at The Marquis, Chandos Place, Covent Garden. Invite to your right, there. In response to a couple of queries, if you would like to bring friends, acquaintances, partners or colleagues, they would all be very welcome indeed. No need to ask first.

A few announcements about the attractions you can expect on the night:

1. Like last year, there will be a limited amount of something cold, fizzy and alcoholic available for FREE on arrival, if you get there before it’s all been consumed.

2. The Marquis serves large, tasty platters to share plus the usual excellent snacks such as chips, wedges, onion rings etc. So bring your appetite.

3. A very limited number of paperback editions will be on sale on the night priced at £8 each. The E-Book version, which is considerably cheaper at just £2, as well as paperbacks are available from Amazon now.

4. There will be two contests running throughout the evening, with copies of I Am Suicide Man up for grabs.

5. I am afraid there will be no tarot reading this year, as The Great Trelerfski is off conning people in Denmark this week and I forgot to check dates with him. Instead, I will be showcasing The Amazing Pregnant Woman. From behind she looks normal. From the front, she’s heavily pregnant. How does she do it?

I do hope to see you all there. It will be a half-decent night out.

This week’s soundtrack: Petrecerea cu taraf – Tudor Gheorghe

This week’s e-book and paperback recommendation: I Am Suicide Man: The Truth Behind the ‘Cash for Suicide’ Scandal – By Me

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I’m keenly aware that trying to sell a book with a title like ‘I Am Suicide Man’ is not an easy proposition. It’s a loud title, possibly even a scary, off-putting title. But after much discussion with my wise editor, it is the one that fits best (although we decided to add the subtitle: ‘The truth behind the ‘Cash for Suicide’ scandal’ to soften it slightly).

‘He cares… he actually cares for these Earth people’
‘Like pets?’
‘I suppose so.’

Kneel Before Zod

What does the title conjure in your head? Do you think about suicide bombers? Dare devils? Super heroes? (My mind occasionally throws up a bastardised General Zod line: “This… Suicide Man is nothing of the kind…”). All kinds of images and emotions might be encouraged by the title. So it’s important to explain the story itself.

At the moment, I’m reading Jon Ronson’s The Psychopath Test. There’s a section where he meets a TV producer who used to work on an unnamed show (possibly Jeremy Kyle’s programme). The producer admits to judging potential subjects by what medication they were taking. If they were on nothing, they probably weren’t ‘mad’ enough to make interesting telly. If they were taking several kinds of pills, they would probably be too ‘mad’. And if they were on Prozac, that was usually a sign of the right level of ‘madness’.

This kind of detached callousness when making TV is hardly rare, but it was still shocking to read. Stories like these demonstrate not only what kind of things we now class as entertainment (and the primary focus of shows like Kyle’s is entertainment) but also what kind of lengths people go to, what lines they will cross, to produce that ‘entertainment’.

Very Extreme Makeover

And this is really what I Am Suicide Man is all about. Yes, it is about a man who finds sponsorship to commit suicide for a charity, but it is also about the fact that this could really happen. It sounds fantastic – but it isn’t.

Listen, Ronson also tells the story of an Extreme Makeover contestant in America who was jettisoned from the programme before her ‘life-enhancing’ surgery could take place. This happened after the subject had watched her closest family and friends talk on camera about how ugly she was. This bitter pill may have been swallowed had she had the surgery, but when she was cast aside (her recovery time wouldn’t fit into their schedule), she was left with the knowledge that the people she loved thought she was a freak and the apparently-confirmed belief that she was, as she had suspected, hideous. Her sister, wracked with guilt, later committed suicide. This is a tale that in the 60s or 70s could have passed as science fiction. But it happened, and these things continue to happen.

Suicide, of course, is a taboo. It’s not like murder. We’re allowed to love a juicy murder. Suicide is far more difficult, much darker. So this was a very hard story to write. I hope it’s a story, though, that is enjoyable, even blackly comic at times, because it is not really about suicide, it’s about fame and money and notoriety and ambition and advertising and desperation and the million messages flung at us every day.

Here’s the blurb:

The ‘Cash for Suicide’ scandal occurred in the late summer of 2006, after a man, known only to the public as ‘Suicide Man’, managed to secure corporate sponsorship to end his life.

In a controversial saga played out in newspapers, on the radio and on television, Suicide Man’s vision and character were destroyed and his philosophy lost, amidst a tumult of unfair criticism and ill-informed comment. Suicide Man was profoundly misunderstood. His aim – to help a local school and to do more in death than he ever could in life – was forgotten; trampled in the rush to condemn his actions.

In an effort to redress the balance before his death, he wrote this memoir, covering the last weeks of his life. He hoped that it would help people understand how he felt and why he acted as he did, while at the same time documenting the manner in which his life spiralled so quickly out of control.

If you condemned Suicide Man, read this book. Allow him to present his side of the story. You may change your mind.

Book Launch Reminder

Don’t forget: BOOK LAUNCH is one week today, Thursday 18th July, at The Marquis in Chandos Place, Covent Garden from 7pm. Do come, you are more than invited. More details here, but I’ll reveal a few more important elements of the evening next Tuesday.

This week’s soundtrack: The Soundtrack to Fame

This week’s e-book recommendation: The Psychopath Test – Jon Ronson

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Well, hi there. After much deliberation, I’m now in a position to finally confirm all the details for the Launch Party for my forthcoming book and e-book, I Am Suicide Man.

Book Launch!

By reading this blog post you are very definitely invited to attend the party. Full details are in the invite that you can see to the right there – just click on it to get the full picture. And if that isn’t enough, I present to you…

10 Reasons to Come to the Launch Party for I Am Suicide Man on 18th July

1. Because at the plainest possible level, you’re being invited to eat and drink at a pub. Why would you turn that down?

2. Because either you attended the launch for The Flathunter last year and had an amazing time, what with the filming and the tarot reader and the free Prosecco, so you must be gagging to come to this too, or you didn’t attend, which means you owe me.

3. Because it’s in a mightily convenient location for even the busiest person to pop in for at least one drink and a kind word. Just show your face.

4. Because if the Romanian Witch is right, then I Am Suicide Man will be made into a film by the brilliant Danish film director, Thomas Vinterberg. If you attend this Launch Party and the Prophecy comes true (which it will), I guarantee you will be invited to at least one red carpet event when the film is released.

5. Because my wife is heavily pregnant. She will get really emotional on my behalf if no one turns up. Is that what you want?

6. Because, listen, the bloody minimum bar spend at this place terrifies me. Don’t leave me out of pocket by not turning up and therefore not drinking or eating or toasting my admittedly vain and vein self-publishing adventures. Not when there’s a baby coming.

7. Because Latitude will be shit. You’ll regret it, Phil Summers.

8. Because I’m not demanding any kind of fancy dress.

9. Because, due to a lack of acclaim (I think it will come after I die, like van Gogh or Robin Friday) this could be my last ever book and therefore, by default, my last ever Launch Party. You really, really don’t want to miss it. Do you?

10. And because, most importantly, there will be the possibility of buying a hard copy of the book, of meeting the famously reclusive author, and of possibly getting said book signed by said reclusive said author. Achieve all those things and in 25 years you’ll have a collector’s item that will fetch literally several pounds on the Amazon MarketPlace.

So, see you all there, right? Right? Apart from you, Lou Pond-Jones, who has more important things to do, apparently.

This week’s soundtrack: Don’t Let Me Down – The Beatles

This week’s e-book recommendation: It’s Party Time! Salsa and Dip Recipes

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Hey you! Hey you! Hey you get ready get on your feet, get into gear and hit the street!

The gang, barring ubiquitous guest Captain Sensible

Yes, It’s (Internet Column) Number 73! Sandi Toksvig! The Sandwich Quiz! Neil Buchanan! And, more than likely, Captain Sensible. All coming at you from glamorous… wait for it… Maidstone.

Well, I’m afraid there will be no Sandi (aka ‘Ethel’ – ‘Sandi’ was deemed too ‘foreign’ in the 80s. Dark times), sandwiches or sensible captains here, because in reality the only similarity this week’s Column has with Number 73 (apart from its title) is that I, like that seminal 1980s Saturday morning kids extravaganza, fifth or sixth only behind Tiswas, Going Live, SM:TV, Live & Kicking and, maybe, Swap Shop in the great pantheon of Saturday morning kids extravaganzas, am also from Maidstone.

No, this week’s Column is less a Column and more a series of Amazing Huge Announcements.

Move over Brown, there’s a new Dan in town.

Amazing Huge Announcement 1: LAUNCH PARTY

OK, this is effectively only half an announcement as I don’t have all the details, but I can confirm that the launch party for I Am Suicide Man will be held in London on the evening of THURSDAY 18TH JULY. Put that crucial date in your fancy iPhone calendars now.

I have chosen a Thursday because it gives people the chance to recover from a hangover at work rather than wasting one of the miserly two days reserved out of each week to make up our weekend. It’s a trick I learnt from the Danish when I was a teenager. They also used to paint their fingernails after completing each beer/shot so they’d know how much they drank the next morning. A canny race, the Danes.

Please be there, or it’ll be a huge embarrassment for me, having hired the venue etc.

Amazing Huge Announcement 2: RETRO, BABY!

This next announcement is against everything this Column stands for. It’s a Column called ‘Cracking the Kindle’. It’s about trying to become a successful e-author. That’s what I mostly write about here.

Yet, I am nothing if not a pragmatist. And therefore I have mixed feelings in revealing that I Am Suicide Man will also be available as an actual paperback – like we used to have in the noughties.

Pro: You’ll be able to shyly ask me to sign my name in it.

Con: It’ll cost much more than the electronic version.

I am hoping to have these books on sale at the launch. Perhaps there may even be a giveaway, but I’m not promising anything.

Amazing Huge Announcement 3: AND IT’S NOT JUST THE SUICIDE BOOK!

The Flathunter, the greatest novel not brought by the vast majority of people in general last year, will also very shortly be available to buy with real paper pages. For some of you, the last remaining excuse you have not to read this outstandingly mediocre piece of work has now been destroyed.

And finally…

Amazing Huge Announcement 4: THE FLATHUNTER GETS SMASHED

Until very recently, The Flathunter was only available on Amazon. That was the only way it could be bought, and it could only be read on a Kindle or by downloading the Kindle App.

But no more. The Flathunter is now available on Smashwords. This means that if you have a Sony e-reader, a Nook or a Kobo, you can now buy and easily download it to your device. Here is the link to the Smashwords page.

Thank you for reading. If I don’t see you before, see you on THURSDAY 18TH JULY.

This week’s soundtrack: Greatest TV Themes: Kids Favourites (No.73 theme criminally not included).

This week’s e-book recommendation: Legends of Kids TV

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Dear William

My darling. It’s Melissa here! I think of you as ‘William’ now, I won’t use that other name they gave you. I’m a little upset, well, concerned is probably a better word, that you haven’t replied to my letter yet. That’s if ‘they’ ever gave it to you! Maybe they didn’t. But if you did get it and you are reading this now please do contact me.

Of course, I understand that you must be so busy at the moment. What with everything going on. I didn’t see you on Richard and Judy last week. I didn’t know you were going to be on – if I did I would have recorded the whole thing! How terrible, William, that they’re saying all these terrible things about you. I know they’re not true. I know that in your heart you are a good man. Who could blame you for reacting how you did when you’re being questioned like that?

It hasn’t changed anything for me, though. I still love you. I still listen to your voice on my little iPod every night! Imagining you’re there with me, whispering gently into my ear. People can be so cruel, can’t they? But if you were with me I could protect you. We could protect each other. We could work together to help kids – fundraising, that sort of thing. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

William, I’m just asking for a chance. I know in my heart we can be happy together. Please call or write or get in touch by carrier pigeon! Anything! I just want a chance to prove how much I love you.

Melissa

X

*This is an extract from my forthcoming book, I Am Suicide Man – The Truth Behind the Cash-for-Suicide Scandal. 

PS: I could do with a few more voices for my trailer for the book – last week’s appeal wasn’t the most successful I’ve ever had. Have a read and get back to me, please? Thank you!

This week’s soundtrack: One Way or Another – Blondie

This week’s e-book recommendation: How to Stop a Stalker – Detective Mike Proctor (As I said last week, there is truly an e-book for every occasion. This book is non-fiction).

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Thanks to all who voted on the cover designs for I Am Suicide Man - I’ll leave the poll open for anyone who missed it, but it appears we have a clear winner. Today though, let’s talk trailers.

Put your voice in this, my ear

Wet Beaks

The book trailer is a funny old thing. I think it’s mainly the preserve of vanity publishers like myself; most proper authors wouldn’t be caught drunk lowering themselves to such a contemptible art form. I’m not sure if a book trailer has ever really helped sales, but pretending my book is being made into a film, with a star name attached and 17 Executive Producers wetting their beaks, is, trust me, a lot of fun.

Of course, the idea of I Am Suicide Man being made into a film has been around for some time – 18 months ago a Romanian witch insisted that Danish director Thomas Vinterberg would adapt it into an arthouse masterpiece. I am yet to hear from Thomas, mind, while my famous Danish actor friend, Nicolai (who I’ve earmarked to play the lead – you may have seen him being murdered in The Killing, or acting like a despicable coward in Vinterberg’s superb The Hunt), has been similarly quiet. But there’s still time. Rights are still available.

I Need You

Anyway, like a very thin Hitchcock with much less drawing and directing talent, I’ve been sketching out, frame by frame, the way in which I’d like my trailer to work. And, as per bloody usual, I need your help.

I Am Suicide Man is not really about suicide. It’s about fame, modern media and society and the way we all feel the day we realise that our childhood dreams probably won’t come true after all, and all that’s left is the brisk onrush of middle-aged drudgery and then old age and then death.

You all feel like that, right?

I want your voice talents to help construct a kind of sonic montage to reflect that the Suicide Man and his idea and his actions create, within the book, a national scandal that everyone discusses on TV, forums, the radio and in newspapers. You know, like how people have been talking about Cowell getting hit by an egg.

It’s Good to Talk

If you are kind enough to volunteer, the process would involve delivering a single line of dialogue. If you are technologically minded, you could do this by crafting a voice file, perhaps using your iPhone, and then sending it to me. Or, if that is a hassle, you could simply leave the dialogue on my voicemail and I’ll ‘rip it’ (get me) from there.

People who can do a newsreader-style voice would be especially useful, but I do need variety. If you’re worried about the company you’d be keeping, I can confirm that the incredible actress/playwright/vamp/raconteur Sadie Hasler has agreed to take part – this is not a Mickey Mouse operation (although, in terms of using disembodied voices, I suppose it is).

If you’re up for this, I’d be massively grateful. What do you get in return? Immortality.

To take part, leave a message here, drop me a line on Facebook or Twitter, or email me: dantrelfer at gmail.com.

There are tons of exciting developments coming up in the next few weeks, including news of the LAUNCH PARTY. So do stay tuned.

This week’s soundtrack: With A Little Help From My Friends – Joe Cocker

This week’s e-book recommendation: Quick Guide to Producing Your Own Book Trailer – Wade Vendon (There really is an e-book for everything these days).

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You may remember that around this time last year I held an exciting vote on which book cover I should use for The Flathunter. As exciting as that was, I wasn’t going to bother with a vote for the I Am Suicide Man cover because I am very much a tyrannical dictator of an author, not a sweet-faced democratic scribe (although I do have a sweet face) and I have no time for wishy-washy focus groups etc.

Privileged

But then I couldn’t decide between two designs, so, reluctantly, I’m offering you, my loyal peons, the chance to become involved in this terribly creative process by voting on which one you think is best. I realise the dimensions are slightly different on each one, but don’t worry about that (I’ll sort it out in post). Just have a good, hard stare at them, for at least 15 seconds each, and then tick the box in the voting panel below that corresponds to your most strongly-held belief.

Just in case you don’t know (and I’m sure you do, because the literary world has been abuzz about this work for some time – if any of you lot from Hay are reading this; I will get back to you as soon as I can) the idea for I Am Suicide Man is simple: Man raises money for a good cause by getting corporate sponsorship to kill himself, and becomes a kind of grotesque celebrity in the process.

All pomp and circumstance out the way, I really do value your opinion, so please vote. Off we go:

Hourglass

Hand and Sand

Take Our Poll 

This Week’s Soundtrack: Getz/Gilberto – Classics

This Week’s E-Book Recommendation: The Ethics of Voting – Jason Brennan

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