How to say no
By Maryanne Comaroto
“NO” is one of those words that most women have difficulty uttering for fear we will not be liked or loved, yet sometimes it is the very word that is a door between us and what we really want. Think about it for a minute, and you will see that “No” sometimes means you might have avoided some unnecessary discomfort, even pain and suffering. Practically speaking, NO is the sound that your body makes when it contracts, and it’s a natural reflex. It’s when we override this inner wisdom that we get into trouble.
Evans asks,
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?”
What about “she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment” is confusing you? I would say it sounds like she has made it clear she does not want more (beyond a few shnuggles). If you genuinely want to know why she left you so you can better yourself or learn something about relationships, ask her; but only because you would like to understand where you went wrong in her eyes, not because you want to win something, particularly her affection and heart. My advice: relationship is not a sport!
Brandon asks,
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?"
Instead of focusing on the idea of: “How do I love thee? Let me count the things that I will sacrifice to prove it!” why not instead rejoice in the fact that out of almost 7 billion people on the planet she chose YOU? There you have it, instant feel-good. You’ll see that she is committed (and has sacrificed) after all - you’ve simply been staring at the glass half-empty!
Melissa asks,
"My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 ½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2 ½ yr affair and have no feelings for her? "
I think I understand your dilemma; you want to believe him yet the very nature of what he has done makes that seem impossible. Monogamy, while it’s not always easy, makes us feel safe and is a way we respect our personal boundaries with other people as we move through the world. Then there is the second and equally devastating issue of lying; in your case not just once but for two-and–a-half years straight. When any one of these foundational pieces takes a hit, naturally our relationship falls apart. The question is, what would it take for you to trust this man again, to believe that he will tell you the truth? And while you are at it, what’s your part in this?
If you had to ask yourself how you were complicit, what would you say? The good news is, never before have we lived in a time where we had more healing tools available to us. You can get a copy of one of my favorite books on the matter; How to Love your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan. Thank you for reaching out.
Blessings! http://maryannelive.com
“NO” is one of those words that most women have difficulty uttering for fear we will not be liked or loved, yet sometimes it is the very word that is a door between us and what we really want. Think about it for a minute, and you will see that “No” sometimes means you might have avoided some unnecessary discomfort, even pain and suffering. Practically speaking, NO is the sound that your body makes when it contracts, and it’s a natural reflex. It’s when we override this inner wisdom that we get into trouble.
Evans asks,
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?”
What about “she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment” is confusing you? I would say it sounds like she has made it clear she does not want more (beyond a few shnuggles). If you genuinely want to know why she left you so you can better yourself or learn something about relationships, ask her; but only because you would like to understand where you went wrong in her eyes, not because you want to win something, particularly her affection and heart. My advice: relationship is not a sport!
Brandon asks,
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?"
Instead of focusing on the idea of: “How do I love thee? Let me count the things that I will sacrifice to prove it!” why not instead rejoice in the fact that out of almost 7 billion people on the planet she chose YOU? There you have it, instant feel-good. You’ll see that she is committed (and has sacrificed) after all - you’ve simply been staring at the glass half-empty!
Melissa asks,
"My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 ½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2 ½ yr affair and have no feelings for her? "
I think I understand your dilemma; you want to believe him yet the very nature of what he has done makes that seem impossible. Monogamy, while it’s not always easy, makes us feel safe and is a way we respect our personal boundaries with other people as we move through the world. Then there is the second and equally devastating issue of lying; in your case not just once but for two-and–a-half years straight. When any one of these foundational pieces takes a hit, naturally our relationship falls apart. The question is, what would it take for you to trust this man again, to believe that he will tell you the truth? And while you are at it, what’s your part in this?
If you had to ask yourself how you were complicit, what would you say? The good news is, never before have we lived in a time where we had more healing tools available to us. You can get a copy of one of my favorite books on the matter; How to Love your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan. Thank you for reaching out.
Blessings! http://maryannelive.com
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