What Does a Recovering Couple

Look Like?

Whether or not we are consciously aware of the historical framework we come from, that framework will always inform the way we behave in our present-day primary relationship. As most recovering people discover along the way, it is imperative that consciousness be brought to uncovering old ideas that do not work anymore, letting them go, and bringing in new ideas that support the ability to sustain faith and trust in a collaborative way with yourself and in your partnership.

The following list of characteristics—obviously along a continuum of extremes on both ends of the spectrum—may be helpful in identifying what the potential can be of going from a dysfunctional relationship based on power, control, right, and wrong to a functional relationship of cooperative effort, mutual alliance, respect, and equanimity.

Historical Frame of Reference
Conscious


Rigid Roles
Role Flexibility


Don’t Talk
Open Dialogue


Don’t Trust
Safe Environment


Don’t Feel
Mindful—Loving


Fear-Based Environment
Faith-Based Environment


Dysregulated
Regulated


Chaotic
Calm


Unpredictable
Predictable


Auto-regulated through Objects
Self-regulated through Partner


Parental
Mature


Infantilizing
Empowering


Poor Boundaries
Respectful Boundaries


Exploitive Emotionally
Of Service Emotionally


Defended
Vulnerable


Power Struggle for Domination
Cooperative Effort for Connection


Independent
Interdependent


Dependent
Interdependent

Ultimately, when a couple is approaching their relationship from a present-day, conscious frame of reference, the following will manifest within the relationship:

Both partners desire to understand their beloved as much as they want to be understood.
Both partners know how to serve the needs of their beloved, even if it is done clumsily and imperfectly.
Both partners devote themselves to work at expressing their love for their partner every day, and are willing to kneel in apology with heart and soul in hand when harm has been done.
Both partners agree that love is an action. It is predictable, consistent, and kind.
Both partners take the time to find the words and actions that convey love to their beloved in the way that their beloved feels loved.
Both partners do not resent the burden of their beloved. They have enormous gratitude for having an object of love to grow with and be generous toward, and recognize the gift that the connection offers.
Both partners do not take the love of their beloved for granted. They recognize that death is near, and that one day a last breath will occur for both.
Both partners work toward expressing their erotic nature with their partner.
Partner love is both in the body and in the mind. It is protected and expressed through daily affection and verbal expression.
Both partners show sympathy and empathy for the suffering of their loved ones.
Both partners breathe out jealousy, resentment, competition, hatred, and indifference.
Both partners have a practice of connectedness to feel moment-to-moment gratitude for their beloved’s love at their fingertips, day or night.



Copyright © 2012 Beverly Berg, PhD • All Rights Reserved • Contact