If you’ve read any of my Jack Lazar novels, you know that Jack is somewhat of a star performer in the bedroom. Or wherever sex is happening, be it on the hood of a car, a cruise ship balcony or in the cargo hold of an airplane.

But how does he consistently knock the ball out of the park? Well, here are a few of his secrets, and I’ll do my best to keep the descriptions PG-13. If you feel that I’ve taken it too far, you can always move on to one of my blogs about chipmunks.

So, here goes:

1. Start Off with the Right Mindset

A frequent mistake men make in bed is allowing their primal instincts to control them. It’s not that those instincts aren’t useful at the right time, but if we surrender to the innate programming that tells us to “plant our seed” and focus exclusively on chasing down our big moment, no one is going to look back on the escapade as anything special. Not even the male participant in the equation.

The point is we aren’t just animals. We are intelligent creatures who use our brains to improve our quality of life in every possible way. So we must temper those primeval instincts and balance them with thoughtfulness, caring and…strategy.

So, what makes a woman think a man is great in bed? It’s pretty simple, really, if not totally obvious. He focuses entirely on her pleasure and makes it clear that nothing else is more important. Not even his own, personal gratification. However, he ends up being so tantalized by what he’s rousing in her (sounds, movements, tastes, smells) that his own pleasure is inevitable, and it eventually hits him like an asteroid scorching the Earth, leaving him unable to resist. He gets what he ultimately craves by association, and it’s so much yummier that way.

2. Focus on the Emotional before the Physical

Moving along with the concept of solely intending to provide pleasure, let’s look at some ways we men can do that.

First, it’s important to recognize that men are intensely visual when it comes to sex, but women are more emotional. Yes, there’s some crossover, but this is nevertheless a fundamental truth. Therefore, foreplay for women doesn’t begin with the physical attention she gets just before the headboard starts banging against the wall. It begins with thoughtful endeavors by her man that make her feel desired and sexy, which eventually lead to a craving in her heart and soul that can only be cured by him. Men have a tendency to rush into sex with the mistaken impression that the physical act is what it’s all about, and that’s a shame.

Verbal foreplay is a highly underrated phenomenon, and it works extremely well on both sexes. For a woman, messages about her beauty and sensuality are so important. And since she most certainly is beautiful and sensual, why not tell her in soft and sexy ways?

It’s also important for men to build anticipation. Sometimes it’s just as simple as little messages about what he wants to do to her, starting with delicate things like running his fingers through her hair, kissing her neck and nibbling on her ear. These acts also let her know she is cherished and appreciated, not just a female to be conquered. If the latter is a man’s consistent goal, his woman is going to lose interest in sex pretty quickly, at least with him.

3. Find Out What She Likes and Do It

Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it? But most guys don’t ask, and most girls don’t volunteer this kind of delicate, classified information either. Nevertheless, it doesn’t take a genius to know that all women are different. Everyone’s body is unique, so while one woman may go crazy being touched in a particular place, another may like it somewhere entirely different. Or just one millimeter that-a-way. Ah, yes. Perfect.

There’s also the question of HOW a woman likes to be touched, and it will often vary from one delightful location to the next, not to mention change with the level of heat involved. It’s not just a matter of pressure, but how much. Then there’s the matter of motion, whether it be circular, side to side, up and down, or some combination. And how about twists versus tugs, nibbles versus bites, and licking versus suction?

And what about the WHEN? Men are often teased for pouncing immediately on a woman’s breasts, whereas some women prefer for that to happen later. And then there’s the pièce de résistance, which is the way she likes being “done”. It’s not just about the position, but the angle, speed, depth, and where to focus the pressure. Women are complicated creatures, both physically and emotionally, and guys need to get on board with that.

The point is that a man probably won’t find out all this important stuff without asking, and doing so during the act can get a little awkward (“How does that feel, honey? Good?”). So a man shouldn’t hesitate to ask, and Jack thinks it can be the exact opposite of awkward. Instead, it should be part of the verbal foreplay and sexy as hell.

Consider sitting on the floor together with a bottle of wine and telling her you want to discover everything about her, which includes knowing the subtle nuances of every intimate part of her body. Make it fun, daring and oh so personal. Perhaps even get her naked and experiment on her. That means you’re not having sex, but conducting an intimate exploration that just happens to result in tantalizing foreplay.

4. Pleasure Her Before You Pleasure Her

As we all know, unlike the male species, women have the capability of experiencing multiple climaxes, so there’s no reason why a man shouldn’t make the most of that. Besides, for most women, the more they have, the more they want.

In Jack’s experience, most women also love being the recipient of oral sex, whether it takes them all the way or not. But one thing is for sure. If it doesn’t achieve the desired effect, there’s definitely a technique that WILL, so a man needs to find out what it is and make it happen (see point #3). If he’s really lucky, she doesn’t know what that is yet, and they can figure it out together.

Jack just has one piece of advice: don’t be intimidated by the prospect of including toys, especially ones that vibrate. If men understood how much they increase a woman’s desire for sex, they would be buying them for their wives and girlfriends by the case instead of naively believing them to be a “substitute” for a man. They are the exact opposite.

But it doesn’t have to be all about orgasms. There are so many attentive things to bring her a desirable level of bliss such as massages, foot rubs, back scratching, applying lotions or oils, bathing her, shampooing her hair, and so much more. One just needs to get creative.

5. Arouse Her Sensibilities

We talked about how emotions play such an important part in building up to sex. But what about during the act itself?

Jack likes to ping a woman’s sensibilities and maybe even give her something new to process while he’s making love to her. Perhaps it’s stirring up a twinge of fear by making her believe he’s going to lose control on her, or letting her know how beautiful she is, or telling her how amazing she feels. As we learned in Psychology 101, women love being adored and desired, so why not let them know it’s true? The important thing is to determine what might ignite an emotional spark in your woman, and exploit it.

But Jack will always let a girl know when he’s approaching the moment, whether it’s through noises, actions or some breathy, erotic declaration, because let’s face it. It’s a huge turn-on when we find out our partner is about to explode, and it immediately throws us on the same track. I think this is particularly true for women because it is so enticing to know their beauty and sensuality were responsible for making it happen.

Of course, hardly any of this matters when two people are in a torrential lust storm, and all they can think of is tearing each other’s clothes off. In that case, go ahead and be an animal.

We can all be flexible, right?

Cheers.